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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist that it’s either all of us or only 2

174 replies

Emerencealwayshopeful · 07/04/2018 13:40

FIL is planning a party for his 70th in July. BIL who lives OS is flying in. SIL and her DH and kids live in the same city at PIL so will obviously all be there. Issue is our family.

It’s a 7 hour drive up there, so if we go we’ve generally stayed at least 4 days before heading back. DH and I have 4 children, eldest turns 12 the following week so they’ll be 6, 8, 10 and about to be 12.

But the party is unlikely to be wheelchair accessible. Or at least, there will be family get-togethers where I can’t get into the space.

I’m currently holding out. Either I can be there and all 6 of us go up, or I can’t and DH flies up with 1 child. His family is refusing to outright say that I’m unreasonable and that I’m spoiling the party by insisting that these are the only 2 options on the table, but it’s clear from what communication there has been that they think I should be happy for DH to take all 4 kids and for me to ‘enjoy the peace’.

Further info: DH and I are not particularly close at the moment though neither of us intends to seperate - we both have reasons to stay together that are good, not great, involve children/are nothing to do with kids. FIL has never really liked me/approved of me and likes to tell my children things to undermine me whenever he’s alone with them. If the family attends without me there will be community members who read this as a statement that we are separating. I don’t want this, and especially want if possible to avoid causing undue anxiety for my children about the shape of our family changing.

Either I’m being reasonable demanding that the celebrations be accessible to me as a wheelchair using family member, or I’m not. I can’t tell anymore so am asking for thoughts.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 07/04/2018 16:28

Are you not in the UK? The community Center has to have an accessible toilet, even if it's a listed building.

If you can afford a hotel, I would plan for a two night stay, one travelling late. Then they accommodate you for food etc, during the day of the party, Party in the night. Home the next day.

Otherwise sod the people who would think you've split and send DH and the children.

I think that you are being totally unreasonable about the two choices. Unless they moved into an inaccessible house after your DH got with you, then that can't be helped.

I think the feelings towards your FIL is clouding your reaction. This is really unhealthy and damaging for your children to be in the middle of this.

Sirzy · 07/04/2018 16:30

Quite often accessible toilets aren’t actually all that accessible sadly. Especially where it is just a “we must do this to comply with the law” thing. I have used accessible toilets it’s close of impossible to access with ds if we actually want to shut the door when he is in there!

snewsname · 07/04/2018 16:33

I'd let whoever wanted to go, go.
You know how they feel about you so you do what you actually want to do rather than what you feel you should. let the others decide for themselves.

RepealMay25th · 07/04/2018 16:34

Quite often accessible toilets aren’t actually all that accessible sadly. Especially where it is just a “we must do this to comply with the law” thing

True. We were recently directed to one that was not only locked (and took 20 mins to find who had the key to unlock it) but was then discovered to be full of mops and buckets and signs etc, with no transfer space of any kind or even to shut the door properly with 2 people and a chair in there!

AjasLipstick · 07/04/2018 16:35

I can't see what difference one or all makes either.

Who goes is surely a separate issue to the fact OP and him are having marital difficulties.

If you DID split, then he would obviously have the chance to take all his children to places...

Birdsgottafly · 07/04/2018 16:36

I understand about the toilet issue, I've been a Carer. The issue is the Ops relationship and the feelings towards her FIL. That she needs to admit and then decide.

It's visiting family that seems to be the issue, which can be cut out and they go for the party.

RepealMay25th · 07/04/2018 16:38

I understand about the toilet issue, I've been a Carer. The issue is the Ops relationship and the feelings towards her FIL. That she needs to admit and then decide

Its not though. She doesn't like him, but that doesn't change the fact that she CAN'T attend the party. Can people stop pretending that disabilities somehow change if you just make more effort for people you like>

MadMags · 07/04/2018 16:44

But there’s no reason to stop the children from going.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 07/04/2018 16:45

My DH would (and indeed HAS done) refuse to visit family where I wasn’t welcome.

It is appalling that family would be so unwilling to make sure that family events were accessible to all.

Slartybartfast · 07/04/2018 16:45

But the party is unlikely to be wheelchair accessible. Or at least, there will be family get-togethers where I can’t get into the space.

Talk to them op. See what they recommend. They too are putting their heads in the sand by the sound of things Sad

RepealMay25th · 07/04/2018 16:47

So thats a no, Slarty, you are unable to answer my question? Then your apology to OP is coming next is it?

Hateloggingin · 07/04/2018 16:49

Repeal - I think slarty’s comments were sarcastic earlier

RepealMay25th · 07/04/2018 16:51

No, they weren't.

MadMags · 07/04/2018 16:53

I’m just confused.

OP doesn’t mind her DH and one child going, so I’m not sure why she would mind all the children going. After all, he’s the grandfather of all of them.

Lunde · 07/04/2018 16:54

Many "accessible" places are not fully wheelchair accessible as there is not enough space alongside for transfer. Or the space has been filled with other stuff.

I would not go at all to a venue where I could not do to the toilet.

Boulshired · 07/04/2018 16:59

It just seems two different aspects, no consideration to the wheelchair and the one child. Can understand the wheelchair but not the significance of all go or two. Why just one child?

CountFosco · 07/04/2018 17:07

I think your PILs choosing a venue that is not accessible is awful and I'd want to go low contact if that's their attitude to you. The only reason I'd let them off would be because you've only recently been wheelchair bound and they are taking a while to get up to speed and think you'll cope. It's up to you DH to disabuse them of this and tell them the venue is not suitable.

If you've been disabled for a long time he should tell them if the main venue is not accessible they need to find an alternative venue or you can't come. Which is more or less where you're at I guess. Have they been asked to change the venue so you can attend and said no? In which case either none of you attend (by far the best option) or if DH says he can't miss it then let him go either by himself or with all the kids but make sure the story you both tell the kids over the next few weeks is 'Such a shame Mummy can't attend but PILs couldn't find somewhere with an accessibility loo so Mummy has to stay at home'. They should hopefully repeat this to any rude bastard who speculates on the state of your marriage.

Jenna43 · 07/04/2018 17:39

Actually, OP, I'm beginning to wonder if your FIL and family are not busting a gut to accomodate you because you are a whiner who has to make everything about you

Christ almighty, back off will you?

OP if I were you I'd tell DH to go with all the kids and enjoy some time for yourself if possible. FIL sounds like a plonker so why would you want to be there anyway? Let them crack on with it.

Toffeelatteplease · 07/04/2018 18:01

It seems to me your in laws and DH already see you as seperate entities and the idea of maintaining what seems to be a charade of a relationship is failing.

If they viewed you as a couple they would have considered you when choosing a venue.

If your DH viewed you as a couple or had any respect for you, he would have been up in arms at the choice of inaccessible venue and refuse to go to the party at the very least, if not refused to have anymore to do with them.

If you viewed you as a couple,even just respectful cohabitees, you would be talking divorce at your DH's lack of care. You'd be telling him there is no way any of your family would be going to see people who had no respect for their mum.

As it stands your busy wondering what looks most normal for a together family when the answer is none of it. As soon as the family chose an inaccessible venue and anyone turns up its clear the relationship is dead.

You've already checked out emotionally from this relationship. Your DH has already checked out. You can't make this look normal because it isn't.

My kids wouldn't be seeing people with such appalling attitudes to disability while it was in my power to stop them. I'd send send DH on his own if anyone went at all.

NotTakenUsername · 07/04/2018 18:18

DH wants me to stop being disabled and making life difficult.

This is so sad. But that is exactly the vibe I got from the start. If my extended family didn’t accommodate my dh needs I’d be ashamed of them. Christ! He works ridiculously long hours sometimes and even so they arrange every tiny little celebration to make sure he is always included.

honeyroar · 07/04/2018 18:23

For a normal family id say your husband should insist that venues are fit for you too, however you don't sound like a normal family, your relationship is at best strained, if not fake, and you don't get on with your in laws. Why not let him and the children go to see their family? Why is it right for you to make demands on how they celebrate with family they don't see often? It seems a bit nasty and selfish to me. You wouldn't like it if he dictated how you and the children saw your family, I expect?

Ragwort · 07/04/2018 18:30

Tend to agree with honey - in view of what you have said about your marital relationship, let your DH take the 4 children and you stay at home.

If anyone makes any comment - the honest answer is 'unfortunately the venue chosen for the party is not wheelchair accessible' - which sounds perfectly true from what you have said, and if anyone is offended by that comment, or wants to read more into it - they surely that is up to them? Confused.

CotswoldStrife · 07/04/2018 18:37

I agree with ToffeeLatte tbh. Sorry OP, but it would seem that more people know that your relationship is over than you realise Sad No matter who goes or doesn't go to the party that won't change.

The thing about only taking one child is a bit strange though - what is it about that (one child rather than your DH and all of them together) that makes you look less separated in your mind?

If you are going, then the celebrations should be wheelchair accessible, absolutely.

Sweetpea55 · 07/04/2018 18:49

why does it need to be wheelchair accessible

SandyY2K · 07/04/2018 18:51

@NorthEndGal

That was a good post.

There's more than the accessibility issue here. It's the poor relationship with your FIL. He's never liked or approved of you, so thinking logically why would he bear your needs in mind with the venue? I woudnt go out of my way to do so if I didn't like someone either.

That's not meant to be harsh or mean...I'm just being real about i and play devil's advocate. I mentioned somewhere else...This isn't a case of mathematical problem where there's only one right answer.

Not only has he never liked you ...but he's made it known he doesnt like you or you wouldnt know his feelings. That's something your DH should have tackled long ago ... or something you have to accept having married into a family where you aren't fully accepted for whatever reason.

In addition you're marriage isn't great.. your DH may have shared this with them .. making them even less inclined to think about you with accessibility.

I wasn't overly keen on my SIL to begin with...but I never let my brother know and I certainly never let my SIL know.

Either I’m being reasonable demanding that the celebrations be accessible to me as a wheelchair using family member, or I'm not

I just read your OP again. I think YABU to demand actually. You dont have the right to demand.

I would never demand that any family member organises their party to suit me.

I would expect them to bear me in mind, bit both of I knew they didn't like me. Having organised parties myself...finding a venue to suit all your needs (catering, drink arrangements, decor, distance, capacity, car parking, price) ....is not always easy

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