To insist that it’s either all of us or only 2

[Emerencealwayshopeful]

FIL is planning a party for his 70th in July. BIL who lives OS is flying in. SIL and her DH and kids live in the same city at PIL so will obviously all be there. Issue is our family.

It’s a 7 hour drive up there, so if we go we’ve generally stayed at least 4 days before heading back. DH and I have 4 children, eldest turns 12 the following week so they’ll be 6, 8, 10 and about to be 12.

But the party is unlikely to be wheelchair accessible. Or at least, there will be family get-togethers where I can’t get into the space.

I’m currently holding out. Either I can be there and all 6 of us go up, or I can’t and DH flies up with 1 child. His family is refusing to outright say that I’m unreasonable and that I’m spoiling the party by insisting that these are the only 2 options on the table, but it’s clear from what communication there has been that they think I should be happy for DH to take all 4 kids and for me to ‘enjoy the peace’.

Further info: DH and I are not particularly close at the moment though neither of us intends to seperate - we both have reasons to stay together that are good, not great, involve children/are nothing to do with kids. FIL has never really liked me/approved of me and likes to tell my children things to undermine me whenever he’s alone with them. If the family attends without me there will be community members who read this as a statement that we are separating. I don’t want this, and especially want if possible to avoid causing undue anxiety for my children about the shape of our family changing.

Either I’m being reasonable demanding that the celebrations be accessible to me as a wheelchair using family member, or I’m not. I can’t tell anymore so am asking for thoughts.

I think if your DH can go your children, probably all of them should go.
I do understand your hurt and frustration, I have been in a similar position with my in-laws not taking into account my needs but I also think you don't want to go, and so I probably wouldn't go.
Children end up understanding a lot either now or in the future and they will form their own opinions, they may well respect you all the more if you let them enjoy the party now and let them come to their own realisation in the future about why you couldn't go if you had wanted to.
I would send them all. Don't tell them what to say, or prep them. They know how home life is. They may have their worries but if you and your DH are on top of it they will know fact from fantasy.
I also think you need to let go of what others think, yep if you don't go some people may gossip get their hopes up if you do go people will scrutinise you both to see what the state of your relationship is. Either way people are going to observe talk, so let that go. It says more about them than you and you can't raise your family based on how it looks to the outside world, only on doing what causes the most comfort to all.

I think accessibility is a general issue. It wouldn't do any harm to write to the venue and say I couldn't attend because the toilets weren't accessible how will you manage that for the next Emerence gathering. Making that venue wheelchair accessible goes beyond this party.

The fact is that the OP could go if she was on good terms with her husband's family and was able to ring them up and discuss it. They would surely all help her to get in and out of homes and up steps? They can't all be heartless bastards. The FACT is, is that they choose a place that would cause op great difficulty in terms of accessing not only the actual party, but also the bathroom.

Each time she needed the toilet, she would need a companion to take her wheelchair down and then back up the stairs, causing a degree of inconvenience to both op & her helper.

To me, that alone puts them in the heartless bastard category!

Good posts

@missperegrinespeculiar
and
@Jux

My family would not attend because your inlaws basically are saying screw you. They should have an accessible venue, your family's feelings are being disrespected. Them choosing a venue you cannot access is mean.

This has been helpful. Thank you all who responded.

PIL own a flat on the next street to us and stay local whenever they like. MIL has also helped me with kids quite a bit over the years, and despite her and I not seeing eye to eye she’s mellowed as her own daughter had babies, and mine stopped being babies and the co-sleeping, babywearing and breastfeeding of ‘older’ toddlers stopped. My relationship with her is not as strained as with FIL. But she definitely has her head in the sand about the wheelchair and accessibility.

Yes - someone upthread asked if this was new, I used crutches and even sometimes just a walking stick till July ‘17.

If we stay at a hotel they pay. I’m always grumpy at having to be grateful. This is my issue and is not in any way part of the equation.

None of the children are particularly keen to go. None are likely to object strongly to either going up then or not. We can easily have a local celebration with PIL when they are next here.

I’m giving all comments consideration.

Also - not in the UK and accessibility laws don’t seem to have actually changed anything on the ground. I’m hoping that the responses here about access mean that when I’m next in London, first time as a wheelchair user, I’m pleasantly surprised by how easy it all is.

OP - I'm not sure that your relationship issues or any perception of them should enter into this.

Your PILs have chosen a venue for a big family celebration which is not accessible to their DIL/mother of their grandchildren. That, in and of itself, is enough for all of you to say "you've excluded Emerence and we can't come". This is not of your making. The signals it sends your DC are truly appalling.

If your "H" can't see that and still intends to go then he goes on his own. Your DC don't sound like they will miss out on too much and if FIL feels like he's missing out then he has the power to prevent that by picking a different venue?

Ultimately, DH and kids attending means that FIL gets to have things exactly as he planned and your DC get to learn that making sure that mum is included is not that important. Not sure that's what's in your DCs best interests and surely that's what should be important to your "H" and PILs?

Dubmum

Thank you. Your response (maybe because I read it alone without the framing of the nastier comments) helps me clarify the issues at hand. I appreciate that.

Similarly to dubnum. If I was having a party and I knew one of the guests was using a wheelchair my first concern in choosing the venue would be accessibility. Even if that guest wasn't someone I'm particularly close to, let alone a DIL! I'd be mortified to think someone couldn't come for those reasons.
The fact they haven't done this is probably the most telling thing about this situation. I can't imagine my DH being any less that outraged if we were in this situation, though I appreciate its very hard to be sure until you're in it...
Do they not see your disability as 'valid'? I have seen this attitude in relatives of people with fibromyalgia, for example. As if you'd choose to be in a wheelchair to be difficult or something

Sod that for a game of soldiers - if they choose to exclude you by their choice of venue, then none of you go, or DH goes alone if he must. And if FIL puts you down to your kids, then he doesn't get to see them anymore. Hugs!

Yanbu.
However as you said you're not a big fan of Fil is it an option for the kids to go with their dad-
You'd get some peace which is presumably quite rare with 4 kids. That'd be my personal preference!

Sorry if the kids don't particularly want to go that's probably not a good option. Also I'm guessing the kids (some of them) help you practically. Send dh and one or two children then. Don't worry how it looks to the rest of the family.

If the family attends without me there will be community members who read this as a statement that we are separating does that really matter though? From what you have said it would be better if you did. Staying together when you're unhappy is shit for the couple and the kids. Really shit.

Yes they should have made it accessible. They haven't, they're not nice people. If my kids father wanted to take them to a family party I wouldn't say no, they are his children as much as yours and you should trust him to keep them safe.

I think on your visit to London you may be pleasantly surprised by some things, but also frustrated by others here is some information or Lonely Planets take
And this is essential information for using public transport - including the fact that if a lift is broken and there isn't a simple accessible alternative route, such as a step free bus, the tube station have to get you a free taxi to your next stop.

Oh and you PIL sound awful.

Can you no longer walk with a stick for even short distances so that you could use the toilet that’s available? Only asking as I have a relative who uses a wheelchair most of the time but can do this when out and only uses a stick when at home if anything.

user1487671808 pretty sure op would have mentioned that if it were possible.

Op my sympathy, it all sounds like a very difficult situation.

If the family attends without me there will be community members who read this as a statement that we are separating
Why does it matter what these people think, as they clearly don't care about you? In your situation I would let your dh take all the kids, and enjoy a break, and not having to see people who don't support you.

I just think you’re getting too hung up on what people think.

Besides it’s easy to say “Emerence couldn’t come because the venue isn’t wheelchair friendly.” It’s the truth! And if it opens people’s eyes to FIL’s and DH’s dickness well, so be it!

I think it matters because I (not sensibly) like to think I have some control over what people say about me. After 16 years together DH’s community of origin’s opinion of me and our relationship shouldn’t matter. But I think writing this out has shown me that it does. Which I need to think about.

I’m definitely just using a wheelchair full time to be difficult. If only I’d done x, y or z or tried a, b or c magical cure I’d be walking like a real live human instead of making life so much harder on all around me. But I decided that inconveniencing others was so much fun I’d take it up as a full time hobby. I mean, isn’t that what other people resort to after they can no longer shock by breastfeeding a three year old in public?

And bekabeech - thank you. I was over jan 17 with my two eldest and my mother, but as a stick user I didn’t have issues. Vague promises that younger 2 will get a similar ‘once in a lifetime’ Europe trip in a few years mean I’m hoping that most of what we did then will be possible on wheels. The biggest difference is going to be theatres. I can no longer just buy last minute seats, too many theatres have only limited wheelie accessible spots. Will mean more forward planning or less theatre or (whispers) both.

For the theatre This might help or This as obviously you chose to be disabled to save on theatre tickets!

It actually sounds as if this venue has been picked to deliberately exclude you. I certainly would be saying that either everyone goes or no one at all.

Interesting thought. If you did go, what would need to happen for you to be treated as an equal? If I was feeling really pissed off (and had the emotional strength) I would be inclined to go and be as awkward as possible (eg. Lots of trips to the toilet etc) to demonstrate how your needs have not been considered and by how not doing so, they will therefore be inconvenienced.

But ultimately you know what your limits are. I would absolutely not send a single child without me. If they aren't going to accommodate you then only DH goes.

Sorry they're treating you like this. It's shit.

If your DC don't want to go, please don't insist one of them has to draw the short straw and go just so people don't think you are your H are separating which, well you are.

You DC are being subject to their views put them first, let your H go alone.

I think it matters because I (not sensibly) like to think I have some control over what people say about me.

Unfortunately, no it isn’t sensible! :) but we can’t help how we feel.

The thing is, it sounds like they’ll talk a or you no matter what! They don’t like you and they seem to want you to know that.

But it’s no reason to “pick” a kid to go and some to leave behind, I don’t think.

I do think letting the children decide is the best course of action.

I really understand your feelings.

People don't understand that being disabled is not only physical but that there is a HUGE mental load of having to check and double check accessibility of everywhere that you go. That just because a place has an "accessible" toilet does not mean that you can get a wheelchair in or transfer. That when a hotel says it has a disabled bathroom in one of the rooms does not mean it is usesable (learned this the hard way - was expecting a walk-in shower - but got a bath that you have to haul yourself out using rails but useless in my case with a dislocating wrist, forcing me to go without a wash). That you have to check out accessibility for every journey, every meeting room and cannot visit many homes.

Then there is the humiliation of having to be a spectacle that is announced to the world if you have to be carried every time you need the toilet - or in OP's case even to access the building.

I would be seriously unimpressed to be excluded like this by ILs. I would not be happy if my DH treated me like this either. I would go with the all or none if it was me. But I understand how painful, tiring and stressful it will be without accessibility.

I am lucky as my own DH is very aware of how the situation affects me. He has put the work into planning our holiday but started last September as it takes ages to e-mail backwards and forwards with hotels and tour organisers to ascertain the extent to which they are accessible.