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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist that it’s either all of us or only 2

174 replies

Emerencealwayshopeful · 07/04/2018 13:40

FIL is planning a party for his 70th in July. BIL who lives OS is flying in. SIL and her DH and kids live in the same city at PIL so will obviously all be there. Issue is our family.

It’s a 7 hour drive up there, so if we go we’ve generally stayed at least 4 days before heading back. DH and I have 4 children, eldest turns 12 the following week so they’ll be 6, 8, 10 and about to be 12.

But the party is unlikely to be wheelchair accessible. Or at least, there will be family get-togethers where I can’t get into the space.

I’m currently holding out. Either I can be there and all 6 of us go up, or I can’t and DH flies up with 1 child. His family is refusing to outright say that I’m unreasonable and that I’m spoiling the party by insisting that these are the only 2 options on the table, but it’s clear from what communication there has been that they think I should be happy for DH to take all 4 kids and for me to ‘enjoy the peace’.

Further info: DH and I are not particularly close at the moment though neither of us intends to seperate - we both have reasons to stay together that are good, not great, involve children/are nothing to do with kids. FIL has never really liked me/approved of me and likes to tell my children things to undermine me whenever he’s alone with them. If the family attends without me there will be community members who read this as a statement that we are separating. I don’t want this, and especially want if possible to avoid causing undue anxiety for my children about the shape of our family changing.

Either I’m being reasonable demanding that the celebrations be accessible to me as a wheelchair using family member, or I’m not. I can’t tell anymore so am asking for thoughts.

OP posts:
Slartybartfast · 07/04/2018 14:38

sorry they undermine you

SandyY2K · 07/04/2018 14:39

If I were you I would be saying that either we all go or DH goes by himself.

This sounds awfully controlling to me. It's their grandfather's birthday... and the children are not possessions of the mother.

Slartybartfast · 07/04/2018 14:39

he could take the 4 children, and brazen it out? explain to dc that this is not because you are intending to split up

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 07/04/2018 14:39

It’s your FILs 70th birthday. That’s an important milestone and one to be celebrated. You should all go and make the most of it: your DH should do his damndest to make sure you can participate as fully as possible.

My DF died 11 days before we could celebrate his 70th. I would have given anything to be able to celebrate with him.

RepealMay25th · 07/04/2018 14:41

It’s your FILs 70th birthday. That’s an important milestone and one to be celebrated

yeah but he's a dick. And they won't accomodate OP to go, so what do you want her to do?

Sirzy · 07/04/2018 14:41

So you haven’t found out yet about the accessibility of the party venue? Surely that needs to be the first step before making any decisions?

BewareOfDragons · 07/04/2018 14:43

WorkingItOut, did you not see that OP said she is in a wheelchair and the party is unlikely to be accessible?

How kind of you to tell her that she and her DH should be doing their damndest to make sure she goes and participates ... when the inlaws who have arranged the party for themselves have essentially made sure to exclude her. If they wanted her there, they would have made sure it was accessible. She is part of the family ... even though they don't seem to give a crap.

catinapoolofsunshine · 07/04/2018 14:44

Are they actively saying you aren't invited because a venue is not wheelchair friendly? Or is there second guessing and assuming about venues going on? Is it a situation where clear communication and facing things head on might help? Or past that?

Sandy if the family have actively said that Emerence should stay at home because they can't accommodate her wheel chair then it isn't controlling not to take that with a graceful smile and send the children off as requested. If the children knew their grandparents had told their mum she wasn't wanted enough to arrange wheelchair friendly venues it's unlikely they'd want to go without her!

Urubu · 07/04/2018 14:51

OP, is it the birthday celebration that is not accessible or the "unofficial" things planned for the other days if you stayed longer?
If the celebration is accessible then why don't you all just go and then either go back home instead of staying 4d or do your own thing (with or without the DC) the other days?

CoffeeOrSleep · 07/04/2018 15:02

I don't understand why it's not DH going alone, or DH going with all the DCs, or you all going, why pick between the DCs?

It doesnt make sense to me, unless your DH is one of those men who can't look after his own DCs until they are nearly teens and don't need looking after...

If your PIL want you all there, then they need to make it accessable to you all. But don't understand why your DH can only go with some DCs but not all.

Flopsymopsycottontailbuns · 07/04/2018 15:04

Why won't it be accessible? Can he not have the party in a hotel or big hall like most parties?

Re enjoying the peace - got to admit I'd be tempted ;)

Butterymuffin · 07/04/2018 15:05

Has your (D)H said he wants to just do what his family say and take the kids, without you? Is he very hostile to the 'all of us or none' idea?

ReanimatedSGB · 07/04/2018 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

nemno · 07/04/2018 15:07

If the main party is wheelchair accessible I'd go, other events in family members's houses I would go to if possible but if not let my DH take all the DC while I did something else.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 07/04/2018 15:08

Yes, YABU to demand the venue is suitable for you. It’s your FIL’s party, he can hold it up a tree if that’s what he wants.

You don’t know whether it’s suitable or not? Have they even booked a venue yet? If they have either it is or it isn’t and if they haven’t they would need to decide whether it will definitely be wheelchair accessible or not IF they wanted you to come.

But even if his party venue is accessible, you're saying other family get togethers might not be. Yet again, you don’t know.

You feel they’ve said you should stay home & enjoy the peace, surely that tells you all you need to know? They don’t actually want you there, if they did, reassuring you it would all be wheelchair accessible would be a priority.

In the past he’s made it pretty clear he doesn’t like you. You and your DH have decided to stay together only because of practicality/childcare as it benefits you both, which is sad, but it also means you can drop the family obligation shit, so why would you want to go to his party? I’d far rather stay home with the kids!

You’ve said he will undermine you etc with your children & so, on that basis, my children would NOT be going.

In a relationship that’s now based on convenience, I wouldn’t care whether DH went or not.

What they’ve done is incredibly hurtful, but they've made their position quite clear. I’d spell that out to DH until he can see why it would be wrong to take any of the children.

While he’s away, have a really good think about the decision to stay together for convenience. I understand it’s very hard when you’re wheelchair bound, and hard for him (I presume!?) re childcare if you split up - or whatever the practicalities are, but you need to think about your mental well being too. It might be incredibly sole destroying to stay in a relationship where you don’t feel loved & cherished. There might be a better solution 💐. The children will cope if you get divorced. Separated happy parents are better than unhapoy parents still living in the same house.

Go on, stay home, enjoy not having to go to the twats party! 🍫

Original poster
Emerencealwayshopeful · 07/04/2018 15:15

Clarifying: their home has the living/dining upstairs. It’s possible that just DH going to theirs for one of the meals won’t cause ructions.

The main event is currently planned to be at a community centre that is semi accessible. As in, I can transfer out of my chair onto a stair lift and have someone carry the wheelchair upstairs. And downstairs. There isn’t an accessible toilet in the building.

We’ve been together 16 years and married almost 14. The kids are all both of ours.

We’ve split up for holidays and events in the past - me taking 1 or 2 one direction, him taking 2 another. So him taking 1 child, or even 2, would not be too strange. DS1 is already going up to stay with them in may and October, and spent 3 days there in January so it’s not like I’m keeping my kids away from them (though after hearing what FIL was saying to my youngest over the summer I am honestly tempted).

It’s DH’s father. I wouldn’t stop him attending. I couldn’t anyway.

OP posts:
Nanna50 · 07/04/2018 15:18

How do you usually manage when you are there for 4 days? If the venue is semi accessible what else will be different?

Mightymucks · 07/04/2018 15:20

Do you actually want to go? It doesn’t sound like you do and I don’t blame you for that as it sounds like it would be awkward and unenjoyable for you to go.

I think you should just be honest and say you don’t want to go and send him with the kids.

RepealMay25th · 07/04/2018 15:20

Actually, OP, I'm beginning to wonder if your FIL and family are not busting a gut to accomodate you because you are a whiner who has to make everything about you

You think thats an acceptable thing to say to someone in a wheelchair who says that they are having family parties in places that she can't access?
Like seriously, you're not joking or something?

Viviennemary · 07/04/2018 15:21

Not sure where OS is but it's seems a long way away. Why don't you just let them go ahead with thing s as planned and do something else another time. I don't think anybody is being completely unreasonable but why not just miss out this time especially as you don't even seem you particularly want to go.

MiddleClassProblem · 07/04/2018 15:21

I’m a bit confused. Does it matter what they think of DH turns up with the kids alone? You don’t sound fond of them but if you’re still together then what they think isn’t relevant particularly if you don’t see them often.

If you go would you be staying in a hotel? If so could you just go to the doable bits and stay out the rest.

They are unreasonable for not considering your needs but it sounds like you’ve dealt with that all along and I wouldn’t expect any difference now.

Catspaws · 07/04/2018 15:24

It's shit that they aren't choosing wheelchair accessible venues. That said, why are you saying only DP and 1 child can go? Is there a reason he can't take them all? Sorry if I haven't understood something.

Original poster
Emerencealwayshopeful · 07/04/2018 15:26

Annie - yes of course we could be happier fully separated. But both of us are committed to making a shared parenting and householding thing work for now. Life is full of compromises.

DH wants me to stop being disabled and making life difficult. He stands by my statement that if I can’t be there then neither will all the rest of them. But his parents will frame whatever we do as me being unsupportive of him, and then we’ll spend time detangling that issue.

To those saying I haven’t confirmed that I can’t get into the building for the actual party - see above.

OP posts:
DoctorWhatTheFuck · 07/04/2018 15:29

They don’t give a fuck about you. If I knew someone in a wheelchair is on the guest list of an event I’m organising, the first thing when shortlisting venues is finding out if they are wheelchair accessible, and had disabled toilets.

Most venues do and you actually have to go out of your way to not have that somewhere that isn’t a private home.(e.g. listed buildings).

incywincybitofa · 07/04/2018 15:35

How does your DH think you can stop being disabled?
They don't hand out wheel chairs to fit and able people.
If he can manage 4 children I would send him with 4 children or 3 (minus the one who has been going up a lot on his own)
If you don't like your in-laws or anyone else going then I would say don't go, but I can maybe see why they would consider the venue accessible if they have never had to consider the pros and cons of what is considered accessible. They probably asked and were told yes.