To insist that it’s either all of us or only 2

[Emerencealwayshopeful]

FIL is planning a party for his 70th in July. BIL who lives OS is flying in. SIL and her DH and kids live in the same city at PIL so will obviously all be there. Issue is our family.

It’s a 7 hour drive up there, so if we go we’ve generally stayed at least 4 days before heading back. DH and I have 4 children, eldest turns 12 the following week so they’ll be 6, 8, 10 and about to be 12.

But the party is unlikely to be wheelchair accessible. Or at least, there will be family get-togethers where I can’t get into the space.

I’m currently holding out. Either I can be there and all 6 of us go up, or I can’t and DH flies up with 1 child. His family is refusing to outright say that I’m unreasonable and that I’m spoiling the party by insisting that these are the only 2 options on the table, but it’s clear from what communication there has been that they think I should be happy for DH to take all 4 kids and for me to ‘enjoy the peace’.

Further info: DH and I are not particularly close at the moment though neither of us intends to seperate - we both have reasons to stay together that are good, not great, involve children/are nothing to do with kids. FIL has never really liked me/approved of me and likes to tell my children things to undermine me whenever he’s alone with them. If the family attends without me there will be community members who read this as a statement that we are separating. I don’t want this, and especially want if possible to avoid causing undue anxiety for my children about the shape of our family changing.

Either I’m being reasonable demanding that the celebrations be accessible to me as a wheelchair using family member, or I’m not. I can’t tell anymore so am asking for thoughts.

I think it is a bit strange that you would stop your DH taking your children to a party that, unfortunately, isn't accessible to you. I can see why you would be angry that the party isn't accessible. I can't see why your DC should miss out or your DH should take just one of them.

I know, in my marriage, my DH would tell his parents he couldn't go if I couldn't go. That's because our marriage is (luckily) a relatively happy one. But your DH isn't prepared to do that, is he? He's going anyway. But I don't see why that should affect the children.

Normally I would say either all of you go or none of you. But in this case you don't get on with your FIL so I am not sure why you want to go especially if you and DH are not happy together. I also think it is a bit controlling to say only one child can go. How do you decide which child and are the other three not going to mind they don't see your DHs family? If this had been your family how would you have taken to your DH telling you you could only take one DC?

I think it is unfair of your FIL to book somewhere inaccessible and if anyone queries why you are not there your DH should be shaming your FIL and tell people why you are not there. If he wants you to stay together I don't see why you are worried about people asking if you are separated. You and your DH have decided not to separate and you have a valid reason for not attending.

Anyone who undermined me to my children would no longer be allowed to see my children. Fuck his party - I say you should stay home with all youf kids and let your h do as he pleases in terms of attending or not. I would expect though, that a husband who wants to fix his marriage, would do well to openly support his wife.

IWanna but the OP is happy to send her children to stay with the FIL - it seems strange to say that they can go and stay for a bit but can't attend the party?

Happy or tolerating it? Even if she is happy to do it, I think she is mad to. It's not good for children to hear their parents being disrespected by their grandparents - it puts the kids in a really awkward position of wanting to be loyal to their mum but maybe not knowing how to deal with their grandfather. And I'm not sure how much use her h will be, under the circumstances. I would keep my dc far away from that situation.

Given the issues you're currently having with your marriage I think it'd be good for your DH to go alone with the 4 DC so he knows what it's like to cope alone (unless you need one of the DC to care for you? In which case they should all stay home, it's not fair to put that burden on a child).

YANBU

Our family has flexed what we do and where we go, to accommodate everyone, the standard being that no one should have to feel they are being a burden. Imagine my surprise recently when we went to a funeral, where the 'private space and buffet' were all in a space up a spiral staircase.

I was inclined to stay in the seating area below this private area, to make a point. I know my family felt i should suck it up and not make a fuss. Just as i was wavering (hate being carried up stairs) a wheelchair user rolled up and looked at the stairs. We eye rolled at each other and decided to stay put. Am delighted to report that the craic was much better in our area, mote and more guests sloped off
/ down to join us.

Sorry, long explanation. In this day and age, there is no excuse to hold a party in an inaccessible place. Ya boo shucks to anyone who tries to do so. Pah!

Anyone who undermined me to my children would no longer be allowed to see my children.

You're forgetting you don't own your children and in this case the OP isn't the only parent. ..
Her DH has parental responsibility and therefore the right to take his/their DC to see his parents if he wants to.

I'm not supporting the undermining BTW.

It's just too controlling to demand and also not to allow all the children to go to the party.

You want to separate from your h then let him take the 4 kids and stay at home. His family isn't your concern since you don't want to be wit your husband

It's not a question of owning, but of doing what I would consider to be in the best interests of my children, which would not be hearing me criticised by their gps.
If the dad was going to put a stop to his parents inappropriate behaviour then that's one thing, but if he is the type to let it pass, then that is crap parenting, in which case OP has to act. It is not controlling behaviour to put boundaries in place to protect one's children. Neither would it be controlling to insist that her ILs behave respectfully in the presence of her children. Her relationship is dead in the water if her h allows his parents to disrespect her, esp to the dc.

Anyway, that's my take on it. OP is free to take from it what she wants.

why does it need to be wheelchair accessible

Duh, I wonder if OP's frequent references to being in a wheelchair might be relevant to that question?

I think it's rude & thoughtless the venue isn't suitable

I’d let DH take the kids and as they say make the most of the peace myself. I’ve not read all the comments but did read one where you say one or two of your children will be going to stay with the GPs later in the year which indicates you are happy for contact to remain between them and your children so I don’t see an issue of them all going with their dad and enjoying the party. I sympathise with how unaccommodating they seem to be for your needs and the strain with your relationship but simply because of this I wouldnt put yourself in a position where your made to feel awkward and unwelcome tbh.

Jeez, there's some real nasty disablist bastards on this thread. I know a lot of people are like this but I'm still shocked to see it. You'd better hope that none of you become ill or disabled if this is how you want the world to be. Your attitudes are disgusting.

The PIL are utter, utter shits for not ensuring the OP has full access - whether they like her or not it is the only decent thing to do.

I wouldn't want my kids to spend time with nasty people like that and who also undermine me (and risk upsetting and confusing the kids and setting a terrible example) so I think if they cannot do better, DH goes on on his own.

Explain to the children matter of factly that the PIL's have chosen a place where there isn't a toilet for Mummy to use so you cannot go and how they wouldnt like that to happen to them, and then have a bloody good time without him.

Hope you can get away from DH and PIL sooner rather than later OP and start afresh. Disability sucks but at least you have your humanity unlike some posters

Sarsparella Unfortunately accessibility is not a legal requirement in exsisting establishments but the establishment must have a plan of how they will strive to achieve disabled access ( can be dated 10+ years from now & reviewed annually) crazy!

I've read all the pages, but I still can't get past the point that the FiL has arranged a party at a venue that his own DiL can't attend. I mean, who would do that ??? I don't know whether to be , , or just .

I know if I were you, my dh would ask that of his parents, and just not go.
I can sort of understand it if they weren't aware - say, a former colleague's partner, or potentially inviting someone from their past who has recently become a wheelchair user and the didn't know when planning the party, But your own DiL ????

Of course YANBU to say the family aren't going, unless everyone can go. I would leave dh to make his own decision, but I can tell you now he wouldn't go if that's the way his df were treating his wife, whatever your marriage difficulties. That is none of your FiL's business.
If your dh does choose to go, then he should go alone. I think it's odd to take one child with him.

YANBU you are a close family member. The wife of his son. Not some second cousin. They should have thought of your wheelchair when arranging the party! Its horrible that they expect you to stay home alone and all the kids go.
Id be saying DH should go alone at the very most.

But FIL isn’t keen on DIL so probably doesn’t give a fuck. OP even says how the see it as her having peace and quiet so I’m not sure why they would then make an issue out of separating.

To me it sounds like it’s his birthday, a big birthday, he’s having it where he wants, would like his son and grandkids there, semi thought about DIL (thinking it was accessible enough but not really thinking about it) or didn’t at all but doesn’t really like her anyway.

If staying in a hotel, go buy only do the bits you can do as going to show you are still together seems to be important to you.

If not, I would just let them all go. Your life doesn’t have to change as a result. They’re 7hrs away... the kids love in the house with both of you... Grandad gets to spend his birthday with his son and grandchildren... You’re letting the kids go other times, the only difference is DH...

I’m not sure I get it.

I think disabled people should be able to demand whatever they need to take part in day to day life. Demand it loudly over and over again - well, most of the time they have no choice in the first place - and those of us able bodied should be demanding it with them. Wheelchair users shouldn't need to be carried in or out of places and should have dignity using toilets - of course they don't because most "accessible" toilets are anything but, and for those of you saying that all community centres should have an accessible toilet, does the fact that all SHOULD mean that all DO? Really? You've been to different community centres to me then

The FiL is an arse.

No parent should be expected to send their kids into the care or company of someone who will then make nasty comments about that parent. I thought this was non-negotiable on MN.

Your DH can go to his own father's birthday and tell everyone that you aren't there because his family made it impossible. End of.

I’d be really pissed off in your position. I’m not sure if I’d prevent the kids from going or not. One things for sure, I wouldn’t just pick one child as that is grossly unfair and could have jealousy/repercussions within your little family, which is the last thing you need especially given the state of your marriage. A party is different from the eldest visiting in the summer. They are going for a completely different reason.

As a disabled person myself, I would not be facilitating a relationship between my children and my fil if my fil were so dismissive of my physical needs, or if he undermined me to my children, or both.

I would not be going to his party. I would not want my children at his party.

Agree with jux ^

I think the problem is also what are the children learning here? that it is ok to exclude disabled family member if it is convenient? their own disabled mother? it's awful, my kids would not be going

Thank you SandyY2K

I say let your DH take the DCs up there alone.

School the kids to tell anyone and everyone that asks/comments on your absence that you were unable to come due to their f*cking selfish DGP refusing to hold the party/events in places where their DM would actually be able to get in. "Mummy thought it would be very boring to just sit outside the building for several hours whilst we have fun inside so she's at home."

Your 'D'H needs a good kick up the arse for clearly not having strong words with your FIL. Maybe give the kids a shit tonne of energy drinks, sweets & E numbers before strapping them into the car for daddy to deal with for 7 hours...

--Or break FIL legs so he ends up in a wheelchair for a bit and maybe then he'll appreciate how important accessibility is.

Seems like you don't want to go to the party really, ship the lot off to your PIL for a few days, chill out at home and try and relax. As long as your kids know you and their father aren't separating, no matter what others may say, who cares?