"I just want you to be submissive sometimes"

[Peanutbutternut]

AIBU or has my DP lost the plot!?!

Maybe I am BU but he's really fucked me off with this comment.

Sorry I need to rant (Please excuse my language)

DP has always tried to be controlling with me. It's an endless string of behaviours over the years but the general consensus is that he is often selfish, it's 'his way or the highway', ignores any suggestions I make, has to be in charge, interrupts me constantly etc. I'm sure he probably was like it in previous relationships (and probably got away with it). He's similar with his parents too.

For example today we were looking for a certain building. I found and pointed out the building to him (which was clearly visible) He completely ignored me and asked a man in the street where the building was. Leaving me a bit I point out his behaviour and he says "Oh well, I would have asked him anyway".

He not too keen on strong women/feminism etc which really pisses me off and I think is an outdated fucking moron opinion.

I'd say I'm fairly tough/will stand up for myself and I think this is the problem. I think ultimately we're incompatible.

The thing is that he completely acknowledges that he's controlling, but insists that there's nothing wrong with it and that I should "just be submissive sometimes". He insists that it's just his personality.

He says that he needs to be the dominant person in the relationship because they are all dominant/submissive under the surface. He doesn't acknowledge that he is the fucking problem!

Maybe a lot of relationships ARE like that but I'd rather have an equal one!!

I try not to put up with the controlling behaviour and confront him when he's trying it.. which ALWAYS leads to him getting upset/annoyed. It often feels like a power struggle which is just childish and tedious.

He then refuses to make up with me and insists that I make an effort to make up because 'he's bad at it'... nothing to do with his fucking pride I'm sure.

Our relationship is on thin ice at the moment due to me sticking up for myself more regularly during the past few months. And I have being calling him out on his behaviour.

Maybe I'm the problem for being 'too stubborn' as he says. I genuinely don't know anymore!!

I feel like I'm dating an insecure 14 year old boy sometimes, not a 36 year old man

Other times are fine, but this behaviour is ingrained in everyday life. We've had a good few happy years. No kids yet but talk of marriage. This is what has me thinking.

It's the same old story. He's older than me, intelligent, drinks slightly too much, and we started dating when I was fairly young.

Now I'm older and have developed some self respect I find myself getting irritated by his behaviour.

So is there such thing as an equal relationship without ridiculous power struggles??!

Please rant with me because I'm 3000 miles away from home and I've got nobody to rant to here

I could not be with a man who thought I was worth less than what I am.

You are equal. He is no more important than you.

I cannot believe someone has treated you like this. I hope you find an escape x

I’m just exhausted reading your OP - aren’t you exhausted living it?

Get out quick before kids. He sounds awful.

DO NOT SHOW HIM THIS THREAD!

He sounds fucking horrible.

I imagine you're with him because you were young when it all started.

Jack his sorry arse.

My very first LTB.

He doesn't sound dominant in the slightest, he sounds like a childish brat. So unattractive.

I couldn’t stand this but I’ve definitely seen plenty of relationships where one person is “in charge” so to speak and the other person just goes along with what they decide. BUT I think those kind of relationships come about naturally, some people are naturally more dominant and others are happy to be taken care of but not have much input, you can’t force it.

This was my life 2009-12. Hell. Wrapped up as love. Everything was about him. Everything we did, are, went, watched. The lot.
I remember once, he called me whilst I was in Asda. Just as the tannoy went off. He went BALLISTIC. I should've been at home waiting for his call! I "knew what time he finished work!" He dumped me for a week because of that!
I loved him so I couldn't see it until after. I was submissive and it's damaged me beyond repair. I've ended up a single mother (not to him thank god) as my subsequent relationships failed as I was unable to accept being treated well! My DD's Dad sent me flowers and I gave him the evils and walked away. It's like I'm subconsciously convinced all men are only ever nice if they want something. I push men away now and I can't stop myself, because it's so ingrained in me to be controlled and treated badly.

Please don't end up like me. It's a lonely, miserable life x

Be with someone who wants you to be the strongest, most powerful and best version of yourself.

This. It's absolutely true.

I bet he can't genuinely laugh at himself.

You can't change him, he doesn't want to change. He wants someone to adore him, be led by him and do all he says. Is this what you want?

Imagine your future children growing up with your relationship as their template for what relationships are like. Listening to Daddy telling Mummy she should just be submissive.

I've sat and read all of the replies now and have completely sobbed reading them all (in the shower, and I never cry!)

Without trying to be a drama queen I feel like I've just had an epiphany I just hope this feeling lasts.

He has been a particularly bad bullying shit bag today funnily enough.

Thank you to everybody, especially those who have been through this and out the other side with shitty marriages and kids. This is my fear and reason for posting.
I'm so incredibly sorry for you all and I really hope you're happier now. Well done for having the guts to escape this endlessly mentally draining bullshit.

I honestly feel dread for the next poor girl that he dates. It's been a fucking miserable, mentally draining few years and I've had enough of his shit.

Answering some questions - We haven't been together for a very long time, around 6 years now. I was 18, nearly 19 when we got together. We're on holiday at the moment. I will not be showing him this thread!

Thank you to everybody who has taken the time to reply. I really do appreciate it.

I think hearing it 'on paper' has actually hit home tonight.

I think ultimately we're incompatible.

You said it yourself. Seriously, get rid!

I was in a relationship with an older man from 22 - 35 and wasted so many years, you're in your prime and will be well placed to seek out a healthy and supportive relationship. Leave the miserable sod to his own devices, he will only get worse with age.

Hi OP, I had a similarly utterly crap relationship at around that age. I was miserable beyond believe and I felt I couldn’t leave - my sister called my boyfriend at the time “Stockholm Syndrome” because she knew I felt trapped with him.

We had a trip where, again, he was an emotionally manipulative, controlling shit-bag and something just clicked. I was somewhere really beautiful and just so full of dread, fear, misery and self-loathing. I decided then that was it and when we got home I got myself together and after a bit of to-ing and fro-ing I left. He had been seriously ill post-leukaemia and I felt terrible leaving him but it was absolutely the best decision.

Two years later I met my now husband - as ardent a feminist as me, my equal and my best friend. There are, weirdly, times I’m glad of that terrible relationship because it so makes me value my husband.

I really hope you manage to leave your partner.

We haven't been together for a very long time, around 6 years now.

It is way too long to put up with this crap, although, he probably didn't start off like this, did he?

Be careful when leaving. He will pull all his tricks and could treat you very badly.

Don't talk to him about it. He'll make all sorts of promises, use emotional blackmail, and possibly threats. Just make it a clean break, ensure all is in place and tell him in public, preferably.

LTB

Do not have children with this man.

Blimey. I would get out of this relationship now, before you are too worn down to face the truth.
Sorry OP. You deserve better.

Oh OP. Here you go:

I remember that stage of realisation/grieving for the relationship you’d hoped you would have but cannot, because it turns out he’s not really the ‘best version of him’ you initially believed he was.

It sucks. But it passes quite quickly, because you know deep down you’re absolutely right to be moving on. And you are so young (I honestly don’t mean that in a patronising way) that you have loads of time to explore all the kinder and lovelier and more genuinely fantastic people who are out there waiting for you.

Oh love, at least you've realised now what a cock he is. Onwards and upwards, plan your escape! Life will be better when you're free.

He very likely was attracted to your youthfulness because he believed you would be easier to dominate, manipulate and he could groom you into the woman he expected you to be.

I have been married 21 years (22 in June). We are happily married and have a very balanced relationship where neither tries to dominate the other. At times one of us may be at a low ebb due to stress or whatever so we may take turns in taking the lead or responsibilities but in a cooperative manner. No bullying or manipulation involved.

On reflection we both had a parent, in his case parents who attempted to dominate and control, and his mum and dad although they are divorced still do! So we both resist being controlled and we respect each other and others, such as our kids boundaries.

Being very controlling is a sign of emotional immaturity and it is often very difficult to have a relationship hip of any kind with someone who is not trying to achieve emotional maturity (i.e. no ability to self-reflect).

You have clearly emotionally matured and he has not. Look for emotional maturity (empathy, ability to freely apologize, not resentful or controlling, respects your uniqueness and boundaries, takes appropriate responsibility) in future partners and friends.

Once you've got kids it will be ten times worse.

Keep that epiphany feeling and get out.
In your next relationship demand respect and only allow yourself to be treated how you would treat him.

Seriously, get rid! This isn't a good relationship & you know it.

Well done op. He is an abusive bully and you deserve better.