"I just want you to be submissive sometimes"

[Peanutbutternut]

AIBU or has my DP lost the plot!?!

Maybe I am BU but he's really fucked me off with this comment.

Sorry I need to rant (Please excuse my language)

DP has always tried to be controlling with me. It's an endless string of behaviours over the years but the general consensus is that he is often selfish, it's 'his way or the highway', ignores any suggestions I make, has to be in charge, interrupts me constantly etc. I'm sure he probably was like it in previous relationships (and probably got away with it). He's similar with his parents too.

For example today we were looking for a certain building. I found and pointed out the building to him (which was clearly visible) He completely ignored me and asked a man in the street where the building was. Leaving me a bit I point out his behaviour and he says "Oh well, I would have asked him anyway".

He not too keen on strong women/feminism etc which really pisses me off and I think is an outdated fucking moron opinion.

I'd say I'm fairly tough/will stand up for myself and I think this is the problem. I think ultimately we're incompatible.

The thing is that he completely acknowledges that he's controlling, but insists that there's nothing wrong with it and that I should "just be submissive sometimes". He insists that it's just his personality.

He says that he needs to be the dominant person in the relationship because they are all dominant/submissive under the surface. He doesn't acknowledge that he is the fucking problem!

Maybe a lot of relationships ARE like that but I'd rather have an equal one!!

I try not to put up with the controlling behaviour and confront him when he's trying it.. which ALWAYS leads to him getting upset/annoyed. It often feels like a power struggle which is just childish and tedious.

He then refuses to make up with me and insists that I make an effort to make up because 'he's bad at it'... nothing to do with his fucking pride I'm sure.

Our relationship is on thin ice at the moment due to me sticking up for myself more regularly during the past few months. And I have being calling him out on his behaviour.

Maybe I'm the problem for being 'too stubborn' as he says. I genuinely don't know anymore!!

I feel like I'm dating an insecure 14 year old boy sometimes, not a 36 year old man

Other times are fine, but this behaviour is ingrained in everyday life. We've had a good few happy years. No kids yet but talk of marriage. This is what has me thinking.

It's the same old story. He's older than me, intelligent, drinks slightly too much, and we started dating when I was fairly young.

Now I'm older and have developed some self respect I find myself getting irritated by his behaviour.

So is there such thing as an equal relationship without ridiculous power struggles??!

Please rant with me because I'm 3000 miles away from home and I've got nobody to rant to here

Before you go into another relationship take the Freedom Program which helps you identify good and bad relationships and how to avoid the later.

Your youth gives you an excuse for your naivety but he had no excuse as wasn't he around 30 when you met?

DH and I are both 49 and met at 26, your partner is very immature and not capable of a balanced relationship. Our eldest dd will be 18 this year and her sister will be 15 soon. I talk to them about what makes a good and bad relationship, how to treat others and how they should expect to be treated. We often grow up without really having any of those conversations with adults (I know I didn't) and can miss Red Flags when entering a relationship because we don't always know what to look for and/or avoid.

My Dsis married and now had kids with hers. Biggest mistake ever. Is he better now? Nope.

He’s worse, as now as well as being emotionally abusive he’s financially abusive too - buys himself top of the rang tech and cars and expensive hobbies from their joint account (they both earn about the same amount, she doesn’t have ‘permission’ to have her own account as according to him he needs to keep an eye on her spending as she’s bad with money ) yet she’s not allowed (like literally he bans her and she obeys) to drive anywhere he deems as a waste of petrol - days out for their kids or to see family/friends. I fucking hate him.

Funnily enough they met when she was young and he’s quite a bit older than her, flattered with the attention of an ‘intelligent’ man.

Please leave him. These abusers don’t change.

Without trying to be a drama queen I feel like I've just had an epiphany. I just hope this feeling lasts

My epiphany (different situation) was in early 2005, 13 years later, the feeling has lasted - be strong

Run far and run fast and never have a child with him. You are young, get free and enjoy yourself! Good luck op x

This man has done you a great service by showing you exactly what you don't want from a relationship and equally, who you want to be within a relationship but you've "got it" now and it's time to cut the cord.

You are not inescapably entwined with captain caveman your DP, so get out now whilst the going is good and enjoy the treasure that is your self realisation as a full human being and not a subservient fembot. Plenty of men like that in a woman, but you'll never meet them whilst your with "Poundshop Trump".

Glad your epiphany has arrived. You'll feel so much better when you ditch him. A man that says he's not keen on strong women has no respect for ANY women. He doesn't want a partner, he wants a doormat. Don't be his doormat.

OP,
You've matured and outgrown him.

Good luck and don't change your mind when you get back from Holiday.

Gosh, if every relationship has a dominant and submissive one, perhaps he could be the submissive one for a change?

Seriously, you are lovely and young and sound like you still have some self respect and sense of self worth. Please leave before he erodes that completely.

He couldn’t even let you correctly point out a building to him - Jesus Christ! That’s crazy. He’s not interested in your needs or happiness, he wants you to bend to his. That’s not love :(

Yes OP, keep everything in mind that you're feeling now. I also had an epiphany and realise that I wasn't going to let that be my life.

I wrote in my pp that it's been nearly 20 years since my divorce, so it's 22 years since I told him I'd had enough and he left; not one moment of regret, never.

Stay strong and do the right thing for you.

"I just want you to be submissive sometimes" OMG what an ocean-going arsehole.

OP you're still so young, and you're in the best possible situation to listen to your epiphany and get away. As PPs have said, be safe. Plan carefully, make sure you cut it off cleanly and don't have to keep seeing him afterwards, and don't dump him when you're alone with him.

This kind of man will, or would if you didn't end it, get significantly worse if you marry him or have children with him, because the more tied down you are, the more he'll want to exercise what he sees as his right to power.

I remember having an epiphany with my ex but it was when our DC were only little, and it was very scary as I'd been trying to persuade myself all along he was this lovely bloke I'd been sold at the start. I realised that all his shitty behaviour and sulking and passive aggressive shite and the endless rows, which he'd made me think were my fault, were because he actually would be abusive and controlling if I only let him. I didn't let him, I was always pulling the equality card and fighting back and giving him a hard time over his selfishness, laziness, dishonesty and deeply embedded sexism, and he fucking hated it.

It took me another few years to leave, and I'm much happier now, but tied to him because of the DC, and I worry about his effect on them.

You are seeing the light now and a lot earlier than i did and some others of us on here. Good for you – and you'll always find support on here because plenty of people know what you're dealing with.

Don’t marry him, it will get worse

Good op. Well done. Go find s nice kind bloke and put this down to experience

Please keep that epiphany moment alive when you return from holiday. If you need support, remember just how many posters on here will help you through it.
I had a really shit ExH who ground me down constantly and it was so wearing. Now, I don't miss him in the slightest or any aspect of his imbecilic, controlling personality that constantly undermined my abilities and screwed with my head. I had a look at NoSquirrels Sunk Costs Fallacy information and it resonated so much for me. I even recognised it at the time with ExH but did nothing about it. Your DP will only (I totally believe) get worse and you deserve better than that. So much better.

Leave. I would not stay for this.

To have to fight to be respected or equal in a relationship it’s a non -starter.

Imagine you’re kids seeing you being treated like this and thinking it’s ok to talk to you like your an idiot.

Me and my dp are equal. Equal in the jobs we do round the house and equal in the childcare we do.

Don’t get me wrong, we row about stuff now and then, but not about a lack of regard for each other.

I think that you know the answer and are just seeking confirmation that he's a bad bet.
If he treats his parents similarly I think that you can assume he would treat your children the same way too.
I wouldn't stay if I were you.
Good luck.

Two words. Pack. Airport.
Two more. Be happy.

the other thing with profoundly inadequate men like this is they have a tendency to seek out strong, smart, competent women and try to destroy them.

Yes, absolutely. This happened to me, and it took me years to realise and break away.

Good luck OP, absolutely do not marry him or have children with him. Leave. You deserve so much more than him. Be brave.

Excellent decision, OP, there are far, far better people out there than the one you are currently with, those who treat others as equals and value them accordingly. Please do take care when you leave and good luck.

I was going to reply with LTB but I think you have already come to to that conclusion.

You are so young!

There is so much more to life than the misery he has to offer.

Make plans. Send him a Dear John letter when you are out of there.

Don't try fixing this relationship even if he gets down on bended knee and begs to go to Relate, produces a ring and proposes, threatens to commit suicide, hurt you, whatever.

the other thing with profoundly inadequate men like this is they have a tendency to seek out strong, smart, competent women and try to destroy them.
YYY to this^^

You have so much going for you. And you have no children together, which you will find is an immense blessing as yo proceed with the rest of your life.

I went out with someone like this. When I met him I was quite a quiet person, but then I changed jobs to one where I had to be more assertive and it gave me more confidence.
He did not like me pulling him up on his crap and unfortunately for him, because I had started to pull him up, so did his friends.
The more I stood up for myself, the worse he got. In the end I just dumped him. Life is to short

Yeah, you know he's a complete cunt, get the fuck away.

He sounds like a complete knob. You deserve better. Get out now while you can.

The building thing really rings bells with me. My ex always had to drive - (the implication was that I was shit at driving, though actually he was), but that meant I sometimes had to give directions etc. He would never take a turning when I pointed it out, he'd ALWAYS miss it. If possible, he'd ask me at the last possible moment which way to go, so I wouldn't have time to tell him properly and he'd blame me for missing it. Every time - but if I dared to show any exasperation he would kick off and be really aggressive and it would turn into a row.

It took me so long for the penny to drop that he wasn't just a ditherer or unable to follow instructions. He couldn't take the turning when I pointed it out, BECAUSE I'd pointed it out and it was too much of an insult to his ego to do what I'd said (even though I was saying it in a perfectly relaxed, helpful way ant being "bossy").

What I thought was a lot of baffling incompetence and selective deafness from a clearly intelligent man, was actually his desperate and increasingly pathetic efforts to cling to some kind of "upper hand" where he wasn't being told what to do by a woman. When all I wanted was a happy, equal, give-and-take relationship with someone I could respect.

ant = "and not"