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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be home alone for just two hours a week?

189 replies

limon · 07/04/2018 09:51

Preferably to have a lie in on a saturday and a slow solitary breakfast.

For context I work full time and have one dd. Dh works part time and has on average four days a week hone alone while I'm at work and dd is at school or when it's a weekend day and I take DD out (often both weekend days).

OP posts:
RosaDeZoett · 07/04/2018 23:01

You are not being unreasonable, wanting some down time to yourself. But if you keep doing what you have always done, you will get what you have always gotten. So unless you do something differently, nothing will change.
Maybe You should not have to, maybe your husband should respect your request, maybe you shouldn't have to micro manage, maybe you shouldn't have to ask and ask ask every single time. You can continue to be pissed off about where you should be, or do something proactive about the situation you are in.
It's about mutual respect really, or lack of it

RandomMess · 07/04/2018 23:06

YANBU but your H seems to have no respect for you or what you bring to the family table...

I would insist on some couples counselling and if still no change or refusal to go I would be pursuing divorce! What are you teaching your DD?

You would have less work and time to refuel yourself if you separated. He is being utterly selfish and lazy Thanks

MoreProsecco · 07/04/2018 23:11

Yes, it's not really about the lie-in on a weekend morning.

It's about being with a partner who does not support or value you, and who behaves selfishly. Who sabotages your free time & is controlling you through his inaction.

He's not much more than a cocklodger.

I think you need to do a lot of work on yourself OP; looking at your assertiveness & boundaries.

LittleOwl153 · 07/04/2018 23:30

I think independently of whether you find a way to redress the balance, you need to look at the fact that he would be likely seen as the primary carer in the event of a split as he is at home more. You maybe need to do something to protect yourself there sooner rather than later if you would not want to leave your dd/home if it comes to it.

Personally I would stop facilitating his hobby. This maybe through time/childcare money whatever it takes if he cannot afford you the 2hrs you need to keep well. I would also stop doing the laundry if he is at home for 3 days he can definitely do that.

I think you should find away quickly of getting some rest if you are exhausted. Could you book a hotel for a weekend, or stay with a friend for a couple of Friday's? Every just go to bed super early for a few days/weeks. Not a long term solution but it sounds as though you need to get yourself straight to start with.

I doubt you can force your dh to take her out. Clubs and especially things like swimming lessons are beneficial but you haven't (I don't think) said how old dd is so maybe it's a little early and if you booked her would he consistently take her?

Singingtherapy · 07/04/2018 23:55

I'm also in the minority and although I understand how you feel I think yab a bit u. When our children were little dh worked full time and I worked 18 hours a week in a fairly stress free job. To be honest I'd have been deeply hurt if he'd have given me orders to leave the house for 2 hours every saturday as he needed time away from us all.

twelly · 08/04/2018 00:02

I think this post and the responses are very interesting. I agree with the op. Had the original post been about a partners request for 2 hours I would have agreed with him.

SweetMoon · 08/04/2018 00:33

A little concerned about the message your dd is getting tbh. You work all week in a stressful job, so I'm assuming you're not home til early evening? Then as soon as the weekend starts you want her removed from the house.

YANBU to want some me time every once in a while. I think YABU to want it every weekend and by ordering everyone else Out in order to get it.

The lack of help from your dh regards housework is an entirely separate issue.

Look at it from your daughters perspective.

grumpy4squash · 08/04/2018 01:09

Which days does he work then, if he works 3, not at the weekends and yet has lots of time off in the week?

Marriedwithchildren5 · 08/04/2018 01:16

Yabu. You work full time and want a break from family life ? Your poor child may want a lie in and a morning at home. You go out. Sorted!

AjasLipstick · 08/04/2018 01:41

I struggle with the idea that he HAS to leave the house with DD so you can be alone in it.

Evenings are yours to be alone at home surely? You don't have to sit with your DH....your DD is in bed...why do you have to demand the house to yourself?

RicStar · 08/04/2018 01:45

I am afraid I am another one who thinks yabu - I just think having a lazy morning at home is nice it's a lot to ask for Dh to give this up with no regular commitment for dd just killing time. Space to yourself yes absolutely but in the house every sat am first thing - no way would I facilitate this for Dh. Generally one of us gets up with dc and tries best to ignore them for a bit reading the paper while the other lies in. Up parent after a bit might play a game / craft etc or make pancakes / potter in garden.

unicornfarts · 08/04/2018 01:46

Also in the yabu minority. For the same reasons as the others...

AjasLipstick · 08/04/2018 01:58

RicStar I work part time and DH works full and if he told me I had to get out every saturday morning so he could have a "long breakfast" I'd tell him to jump.

It's my fucking saturday too! I like being in the house on a weekend morning and enjoy cooking with my DC and sitting in the garden to eat breakfast etc.

BlueLightPanda · 08/04/2018 02:17

@limon YANBU, my dp way works 3-4 days a week and as DC is school aged he gets 9:15-3:00 to himself every weekday plus saturdays as i take my DD to her activities on saturday morning so he gets a day to himself till the evening.

Like you i work full time and i’m just so tired! i’ve also asked my partner to do something with DC on sundays so i can have a few hours to myself. Since January there hasn’t been 1 day where he has actually done this so i know exactly where your coming from.

RicStar · 08/04/2018 02:30

One thing op (and others) is that I would not say I would do this and then just not. I would never agree to it in the first place. Nor would I want / expect / need most of the rest of the weekend for my solo hobbies so I think your dh is being very unreasonable too! You need to agree a fair split of weekend time that works for all of you and stick to it. I just wouldn't clear the kids out one day every weekend first thing.

Parentingissotough · 08/04/2018 03:30

I’m afraid I agree, YABU.

I agree with a PP, I work 3 days a week, my DH works full time. My DS is not school age yet. As I work PT I do most of the housework. I also do most of the cooking. If my DH told me to get out one morning a week week with our DS I’d be really annoyed. That kind of non-negotiable dictat just doesn’t work with real family life.

A friend’s ‘D’H does just this. He works full time so demands every Saturday off from family life to recover. Suffice to say he is not well thought off. Your child isn’t a job. You can’t just opt out of being responsible for them when you’re tired / don’t want to anymore.

What does you DD want / need? If there’s a swimming club or whatever she wants to go that your DP can take her to that’s fine - although you may need to take her occasionally too - but if not then demanding every Saturday morning off just isn’t realistic. Real life just isn’t that rigid.

What you’ve clearly got is a much bigger issue with your DH which is making you massively resentful. That’s what you need to talk about. Not throwing your child out of the house every Saturday morning. It comes across as quite cold to be honest. But I think that’s a sign you’re at the end of your tether with your DP to be honest. That’s what you need to work on.

Hobnobsarenotfordunking · 08/04/2018 03:46

Parentingistough that isn’t the same. Your DC are at home, this man has 3 full days to himself.

It’s not throwing the child out, it could be a lovely way for a child who from the sounds of it doesn’t spend much time with her dad to have a few hours with him.

This is a person who is completely exhausted. Who is possibly on the way to a break down and some of you can’t see that a few hours free time would support her. Crazy.

AjasLipstick · 08/04/2018 03:53

HobNob NOTHING wrong with her having or wanting a few hours to herself but she can't/shouldn't dictate them out of their own home in order for her to have it.

It's his home too...if my DH said "I want to have a slow breakfast on saturdays alone so you need to take DC out every saturday" I'd tell him to piss off.

It's my home too. I work part time like OP's DH and my DH works full time.

He has a lie in on Saturdays and is left to his own devices. What's wrong with OP doing that?

She could go out for breakfast....why should her DH get booted out?

RandomMess · 08/04/2018 07:41

I wonder if the op needs her H to take DD out because otherwise she actually does all the parenting...

I agree it's all about the resentment of him contributing so little to the family!

RicStar · 08/04/2018 07:49

random I agree. I like having some time at home alone - but every sat first thing is not realistic is it. It will be raining / someone will have a cold / dd will want to watch cartoons. Me and Dh plan each weekend so we do chores / family stuff / social stuff. Hobbies a bit - neither have time consuming ones.

Parentingissotough · 08/04/2018 08:21

Hobnob, maybe I didn’t put it well. We all need some time to ourselves, it’s the demanding every Saturday that’s an issue, but I agree, there are bigger issues here and OP needs some support to adddress those because she’s clearly at the end of her tether.

TitsalinaBumSquash · 08/04/2018 08:30

I can see this as being a 'normal' thing! If my DH asked me to get up on a Sat or Sun morning and take the kids away from the house so he could lie in I would raise my eyebrows and think he's joking ... it's one thing to have a lie in but to have the house totally vacated and quiet when you have a young child is U.

TitsalinaBumSquash · 08/04/2018 08:30

*can't.

Tumbleweed101 · 08/04/2018 08:58

Does it have to be a lay in and breakfast? Could they go out later and you have all afternoon instead (for example). Sometimes it’s easier to go out a bit later than it is first thing and this might be why he’s reluctant? I’m a single parent but ex will take mine out from about 10- 3 if he’s not working a weekend and that bit of space is lovely but it’s the only bit I get. Never get a lay in either as have teens to ferry about to work at weekends and school age and work the rest of the week.

Original poster
limon · 08/04/2018 09:37

Thanks to everyone for the advice.

It's given me food for thought.

I get that he might feel turfed but by the same token i dont think each of us giving the other a rest each week is unreasonable.

dd doesn't feel turfed out...she loves 1:1 time out and about wirh each of us.

I do need to work on my boundaries and how to handle his passive aggression.

The crux of the matter is that I do more of the parenting/childcare, housework, life admin, planning and working. I do four bed times a week and usually fall asleep at the same time as I am so tired and the nights I don't I spend a couple of hours doing house stuff or watching crap tv because I'm so tired. It's not exactly six hours of quality time in the evenings.

At the moment I am utterly exhausted and it really got to me yesterday.

He has got the message and taken her out shopping this morning (after a discussion last night)

OP posts: