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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to be home alone for just two hours a week?

189 replies

limon · 07/04/2018 09:51

Preferably to have a lie in on a saturday and a slow solitary breakfast.

For context I work full time and have one dd. Dh works part time and has on average four days a week hone alone while I'm at work and dd is at school or when it's a weekend day and I take DD out (often both weekend days).

OP posts:

Emeralda · 07/04/2018 21:00

Can you work less? Or suggest that to even things up now that DD is at school, you decrease your working hours and he increases his?

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 07/04/2018 21:01

Is your DD particularly noisy, are you a very light sleeper or is he accidentally or accidentally on purpose letting her make a lot of noise?

Redcliff · 07/04/2018 21:02

There is nothing wrong with wanting a lie in (I get one a week as does my DH ) but even though I work all week and my DH is SAHD with 8.30 to 11.30 with no kids I wouldn't dream of asking him to take kids out so I could have the house to myself. I wear headphones - can drown out lots of kid noise if that is your issue.

Queenio24 · 07/04/2018 21:07

I think a more reasonable request would be for him to take on more of the chores, or like a PP has said you can re-adjust your working hrs maybe?

imnottoofussed · 07/04/2018 21:09

So when does he have his lie in? I get that he has some time when dd is at school but that's not a choice of his and he can't just do whatever he wants at that time as he would have to drop off/ pick up etc. You've decided that your alone time will be at a specific time on a specific day and he has to leave the house for you to have it. I think yabu for this.

mrsm43s · 07/04/2018 21:17

Yep - you're dealing with the wrong problem.

If he has 3 week days off, he should be doing a good chunk of the housework/laundry/shopping/life admin etc in that time whilst your DD is at school. The stuff that can't be done then (e.g evening meal/loading dishwasher/bedtime routine etc) should be shared equally in the evening. Weekends all chores and child activities should be shared equally, but there should be plenty of time for you both to chill out a bit.

Original poster

limon · 07/04/2018 21:19

Emerelda I went back after maternity leave four days but had to increase back to five days after a year.. without going into detail, my job can't be reduced on hours. It sisnt work well last time.

As my.salary is vastly higher than his, me dropping a day and him working more doesn't make financial sense.

OP posts:

Original poster

limon · 07/04/2018 21:20

imnottoofussed on the weekend day that i am not having mine. When I take my dd out for breakfast.

He also gets more or less the full day of both days to himself, most weekends.

OP posts:

Original poster

limon · 07/04/2018 21:22

imnottoofussed

Actually we have decided together that we each get a lie in one day.of the weekend each. Mines Saturday his is Sunday.

OP posts:

Avasarala · 07/04/2018 21:29

I find it very hard to sympathise now, as you're refusing to actually DO something to help yourself here.

I'm a single mum and work full time with 2 kids. It's just me with the nursery and school for childcare. Havn't seen my ex for o er 4 years so there is no one else here to let me sleep/shower/eat in peace and quiet. So, no option of a lie in. You have the option, you just need to have a frank and honest discussion with you husband to make sure it happens. And then follow through each time he doesn't go out. As long as he's getting an equal shot at rest then it's fair. But you don't want to do that - you just want it to magically start happening. So, no sympathy left for you.

SweetMoon · 07/04/2018 21:29

I think YABU to want them to go out every single week. He gets up with dd and you say she's loud so ask him to make sure she plays quietly for a bit.

Could you compromise with every other week? Or a full day once a month? Most parents get 'me' time by going out unless you are a sahp with dc at school as opposed to asking everyone else to leave the house.

I work full time, am a single parent with 5 dc. I'd kill for 2 hours once a year

Original poster

limon · 07/04/2018 21:31

" I get that he has some time when dd is at school but that's not a choice of his and he can't just do whatever he wants at that time as he would have to drop off/ pick up "

Yes it is! He can work full time anytime he pleases! We have after school.and holiday childcare in place two days a week and this can be extended.

He has to himself - to do whatever he wishes - (bar the weekly shop which eats up max two hours and cleaning which takes up one hour) from 9.15 til.3.15, three days per week.

OP posts:

Original poster

limon · 07/04/2018 21:36

Avasrala really? No one has really offered any advice that's practical or that I haven't already tried or that requires me to micro mnage.

My DH gets approx 21 hours every week entirely to himself to do whatever he wants and about 10 hours of that is when both dd and I are out together at weekends.

The one thing I want - a couple of hours at home on my own - and I feel like i have to beg for it. After working myself to exhaustion all week in a stressful job.

The balance is just plain off, surely?

OP posts:

DoJo · 07/04/2018 21:36

*mrsm

Original poster

limon · 07/04/2018 21:39

avasarala I've just 're read your post.

I don't want it to magically happen. Have you read all my posts?

We've agreed it but he keeps stopping. I speak to him every time he stops and he behaves as if I am unreasonable.

Hence my question about whether it's an unreasonable request.

OP posts:

EweDoEwe · 07/04/2018 21:46

It’s not an unreasonable request.

However it is a request that your DH will continue to persistently ignore, despite your various efforts to get him to stick to the agreement.

So now that you’re out of options, nobody here can come up with a solution, and he just plain old won’t do it, what do you intend to do about that?

Hobnobsarenotfordunking · 07/04/2018 21:48

Limon I really feel for you. Your DH is a selfish git who shouldn’t have a lie in on either day at the weekend as he can go back to bed on his days off!

I can’t believe people on here begrudge you 2 hours when this man gets 3 full days in the week to himself plus time at the weekend.

Do you ever do things together as a family? You very much sound separate entities with you each taking a day with your DD at the weekend.

Original poster

limon · 07/04/2018 21:50

ewe I intend to take heart that people don't think iabu. And remind him again.

OP posts:

mrsm43s · 07/04/2018 21:50

As a minimum, he needs to add laundry to his chores.

So he does all laundry, cleaning (would take much more than 1 hour a day 3 x a week though, think you're being v optimistic there!), supermarket shop and prep of evening meal. That would absolutely fill his days off, he really wouldn't have much "me time" left.

Then there really isn't anything much left for you to do evenings or weekends. But what there is (which will mainly be "parenting" rather than "chores") you obviously share equally. But there should be no need for major cleaning, hoovering or washing/ironing at the weekend, as it would be done during the week.

I do think that you need to recognise that a SAHP makes just as much of a contribution as a WOHP. Obviously I don't know your DH, and he may indeed just be sitting down all day while your DD is at school, but if he is, you'll know it as you'll be coming back to complete chaos. If your house is broadly clean and tidy, your fridge is full, your dinner is prepped etc then likely he's doing more than you recognise while your DD is at school.

Original poster

limon · 07/04/2018 21:53

hobnobs Thanks.

We don't each take a day with dd at weekends.

We don't do much as a family, no.
I take her somewhere (or look after her at home while he does his hobby) both weekend days usually.

OP posts:

Avasarala · 07/04/2018 21:54

If you want it to happen, then you don't have any other option but to micro manage it for a few weeks. Get you daughter ready, get her in the car, call DH and say "she's ready and waiting in the car since you promisesd, to take her out, I helped get her ready" then step it down to "I've packed her bag; it's in the hall and she's waiting for you to take her out to the car".

Keep insisting, Keep reminding him he has promised to do it.

If it doesn't work, get up early on Saturday and Sunday, and go out. Leave him to deal with everything at home by himself. I know you've said you don't want to go out, but if you won't do anything about making him or if he won't listen, then just leave him to it, if he wants helo at the weekend, then he will break first.

Hobnobsarenotfordunking · 07/04/2018 21:54

Limon so this man works 2 days a week. Spends 3 of them at home alone lounging about and 2 of them at weekends doing his hobby.

You work 5 days and then look after your daughter for the other 2.

If that’s correct then I’m struggling to understand what you see in his man? He is so pig ignorant for not thinking at all about your needs that I don’t think I could be with him!

EweDoEwe · 07/04/2018 21:56

You could always just tell him to fuck off, and then you’d have every other weekend and an evening or two during the week to yourself.

You might as well, it doesn’t sound like much of a relationship or a great family set-up anyway.

Original poster

limon · 07/04/2018 21:57

mrsm honestly?!?

He cleans for about an hour a week - as in an actual clean.

We each do a bit of general tidying up as we go during the weeek - I wouldn't say more than three hours a week cleaning is necessary to keep the house clean.

The weekly shop takes two hours

I do most of the laundry evenings and weekends.

Cooking - half an hour per meal.

There is absolutely no way housework, laundry, cooking and shopping would fill an entire day every day! Except for a clean freak!

OP posts:

pinkhorse · 07/04/2018 21:58

A school aged child can't be that loud in the house surely? A toddler yes but not a school aged child.
Can you get some ear plugs? I wouldn't want to be forced out of the house early in the morning every Saturday tbh.

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