Gloaty, smug parent- how do I manage this better?

[Dogjustguffed]

Due to see my friend tomorrow with her DD and my DS. Her DD is nearly 4, my DS is 6 and a half. Friend is obsessed with getting her DD ahead of her peers with reading and numbers. On the other hand, I very much took the view that the preschool years were for socialising and play. My DCs started school counting to 10 and knowing letters/alphabet but that was it!

Last time I was there my friend had written down some random words which are quite long sometimes (things like window, chair, cooker, butterfly etc). She changes them every week, and gets her DD to learn them. I am no expert but I think that the DD is just recognising the word itself rather than reading in the sense of understanding how the letters create a word.

Anyhow...last time I was there she introduced this ‘game’ to me by asking my DS to read the words on that week’s list. My DS is fine at reading so read it easily enough. She then announces loudly that her DD can read them too, and gets DD to recite.

This annoyed me, as it’s unfair to compare children like this (as if it’s a competition) and how awful would DS have felt if he hadn’t been able to read the words and then a 4 year old could have?

I was so surprised that I just stared at her and then said “Well done both DCs”. She then went on about how advanced her child was- in front of the children- and then I just said something about how the early years were all about play and socialising for my DS, but great that she was so happy with her DDs progress. Friend didn’t grasp that I was not engaging her in competition.

How do I manage this better this time? I want to halt any competition before it even starts!

NumptyMum

Of course - there is providing a variety of things for them to do and there is being pushy, insensitive and plain rude. I'm none of those things. If a child didn't want to do X, we'd do something else for a bit. But it's a balance, isn't it? If my DD wants to play Connect 4, I'm not going to tell her no just in case someone happens to have a condition that precludes that game. Same with reading.

Oh God. Competitive parents. It's all about them and their own insecurities. She may as well say to your face 'I look great today, you look a little tired and not as great as me!' Swerve and find normal friends who don't make you feel bad.

It's sad how her children seem to get roped in to this made up competition she wants to have with other mums.

In my experience... my friend who was gloaty started to get a gloaty child who told other children they weren't as good at things as her and how she could read and they couldn't etc. She was very embarrassed seeing what she had created in her child by being that way, which chilled her out a bit...

Hi I don't reply that often but I had to when I read your post , omg that is so unhealthy for children to be compared like that , I agree cancel the play date no point going if your not going to enjoy it , you don't need her in your life she will only get worse as kids get older

I have a close relative whose DD is friends with a boy who gloats - definitely a horrible quality.

Oh how disappointing school will be for her. This shit usually lasts no more than one year before they enter y1 and realise all the kids are on pretty much the same level, can pretty much all read and write, it's not that exciting and their snowflake isn't that special.

Fuck that. Cancel. Or send her flash cards with the words 'FUCK' 'THIS' 'SHIT' on for her kid to read out.

Pahaha @battenberg that made me laugh out loud!

Ok hands up I havnt read the whole thread but

why the fuck are you friends with this twat?

Cancel and have a nice day out doing muddy stuff with your ds.

You are allowed to move on from insane friends love. Just protect yourself and your ds.

To add I knowsome parents like this in the early days, my 6 are all teens and older now. Without exception their kids rebelled come 14/15/16.

Sad really as kids may like being performing animals at 4 but no way at 14.

@battenbergbutterfly bloody brilliant. I'm making me some of those for my handbag.

i work in early years and you are correct
let them play
what they learn is invaluable because what you miss in not being able to swing from trees and play with mud and use imagination is not
build up gross motor skills and then fine motor skills and being able to recognise phonic sounds thro rhyme and music
and not being able to play together socially
(how are her social skills can she share etc )
how is her mark making coming along .
thus mother in her competitiveness is missing a stage and will never get it back .
her child will probably have mental health issues further down the line

Just say that after the reading competition your DS will be reciting an extract of Homer in the original greek.

Hopefully it will come across as so ridiculously competitive that she will realise what she is doing.

I used to have a 'friend' like this. Everything became a fucking competition....toilet training, you name it. In the end , when bragging about her ds sitting exams for grammar schools and quizzing me about grammar schools I looked at her for a long moment and said " you and your ds are so much more clever than us. Me and ds are stupid and thick compared to you aren't we?" I said it completely deadpan.

She shut the fuck up after that.

Pengggwn
My dd is also probably dyslexic and also would hate being given word games by a friend's parent. It would have crushed her fragile confidence with school. Bit she's also shy and would have found it hard to say no to you. We're working on that.
But I would never expect a parent to play word games of this type so wouldn't warn in advance.
Dd would say to a friend who suggested word games 'no thanks'. And what I'd suggest is you let the children choose their own games on a play date. Much safer.

Depends if the DC wants to do it. I nagged and pestered my mum into teaching me to read aged 2 (Yes, I was an annoying brat. I was reading Black Beauty independently by 4, and Lord of the Rings by 6). My older brother hadn't been interested, so he learned at school. We both ended up as fluent readers.

Oh, and I learned by recognising words from flashcards and put it together from there. Phonics is used because just about everyone can learn to read through that strategy. Quite a lot of us would learn from many other methods, but schools need to use an approach that works for the largest proportion of pupils.

Chathamhouserules

Up to you. If you don't want to tell someone in advance what your DD wants to do, we would find out on the day. And if my DD chose to play word games, we would prepare word games...unless someone said their child would be upset by that. It's reasonable to expect people to inform you about something like that.

He he tell her my 2 year old can count to 20 sadly her twin gets to 3 they are both good enough to eat so who cares

Sounds,like you handled it right OP.

If she pulls,that shit again, teach your DS to recognise a couple of words in Cyrillic script. That’ll learn her.

Peng I would disagree that it is my responsibility to acquaint you with private details of my child’s educational progress because they are visiting your house for a play date. What a strange idea.

My kids have been on hundreds of successful play dates. I’m very happy with how I approach them.

They’d both raise an eyebrow if they went to someone’s house and the parent said let’s all sit down to play a word or numbers game. That’s not how these things work.

This is how your average play date proceeds: the child arrives at your house, you wave goodbye to their parents and say “have fun” and the children disappear off to their bedroom/playroom/the garden until dinner time to build Lego castles/race cars/play with dolls/do an art or craft activity/dress up/play tennis/swings/skateboard etc etc

I’m highly entertained by posters on this thread who seem to think that saying testing someone else’s child’s reading is inappropriate equals “reading is boring and my house is learning free”.

I play educational games with my children.

I read to and with my children every day and have done since they were babies.

Our home is filled with thousands and thousands of books. Reading is central to our family life.

We don’t “hothouse” but we do undertake all sorts of fun learning at home both structured and unstructured. Both my children including my dyslexic child are at the top of their classes.

Learning is fun. Learning is essential.

Someone else’s child’s learning is nothing whatsoever to do with you.

Out of interest Peng how old is your DD?

Thistlebelle

Then don't tell me. I have no issue with that. But don't tell me I am being cruel because I'm not psychic, and can't tell that what to us, might be a perfectly normal game, will seriously upset your child. I am not being cruel. You are placing your child in a position where that might happen. Your choice.

Thistlebelle

Why?

Peng

Just spat out my large glass of wine at your post.

Doesn’t your dd just you know play??? Do you prepare for seeing other children?

Bloody hilarious

Mydoghatesthebath

Nice.