Gloaty, smug parent- how do I manage this better?

[Dogjustguffed]

Due to see my friend tomorrow with her DD and my DS. Her DD is nearly 4, my DS is 6 and a half. Friend is obsessed with getting her DD ahead of her peers with reading and numbers. On the other hand, I very much took the view that the preschool years were for socialising and play. My DCs started school counting to 10 and knowing letters/alphabet but that was it!

Last time I was there my friend had written down some random words which are quite long sometimes (things like window, chair, cooker, butterfly etc). She changes them every week, and gets her DD to learn them. I am no expert but I think that the DD is just recognising the word itself rather than reading in the sense of understanding how the letters create a word.

Anyhow...last time I was there she introduced this ‘game’ to me by asking my DS to read the words on that week’s list. My DS is fine at reading so read it easily enough. She then announces loudly that her DD can read them too, and gets DD to recite.

This annoyed me, as it’s unfair to compare children like this (as if it’s a competition) and how awful would DS have felt if he hadn’t been able to read the words and then a 4 year old could have?

I was so surprised that I just stared at her and then said “Well done both DCs”. She then went on about how advanced her child was- in front of the children- and then I just said something about how the early years were all about play and socialising for my DS, but great that she was so happy with her DDs progress. Friend didn’t grasp that I was not engaging her in competition.

How do I manage this better this time? I want to halt any competition before it even starts!

I agree that it is not normal at all to do word games or maths games with visiting children. Do you schedule all games in advance? If they choose together to do such games then all would be fine, but it is a bit mean to decide in advance what a visiting child will be playing.

Does it matter that a child might have their confidence crushed by a situation such as this? I think it really does. I am a specialist teacher for children with SpLD and they often really struggle with having the confidence to attempt any word related activity.

I said earlier in the thread, I did lots of reading and playing of educational games with my own children but had no desire at all to do this with visiting children. It is not necessary.

HumphreyCobblers

Of course I wouldn't. But if you think of a few options for games in advance, and one is football, one is Monopoly and one is a word game, is there any issue with that?

but had no desire at all to do this with visiting children

Well said!

Let the kids decide in what to play on a play date!

My only input would be to get stuff out of and when asked to do so - paint chalk playdoh etc

At no point did I arrange any games for them or joined them in playing

they learn to entertain their friends

And this competitiveness is ridiculous because at no point do I ever ask my friends there OLevel grades or reading level

There is if you tell the visiting child they have to play it! You could offer them the choice of all three and let them choose, that would be fine.

But really, most children on play dates just run off and amuse themselves and that is an important skill in themselves. I would find your choice of activities limiting.

No no no you don’t think of any games in advance!

It’s the children’s play time. Stop micro managing activities and let them play and own the play they want! Jesus Christ

She sounds like Rick Moranis in Parenthood. Just have a little chuckle to yourself because you know that what she’s doing is completely in vain

I have a friend like this. Her girls play multiple instruments, dance, sing and go to Shakespeare club. They read everything and she is thinking about starting them on Latin.
But just before Christmas her darling daughters had a proper fist fight in Pizza Express over a colouring pencil. A really nasty,had to get one of the waiters to help pull them apart fight. It was awful.
I think they are tired and stressed and just need a chance to do nothing.

HumphreyCobblers

That's what I said, though. I wouldn't dream of telling children what game they had to play.

Mydoghatesthebath

I didn't say I had to. It depends on your child, doesn't it? Not all children are the same.

Not all parents are the same either

Local woman here and her DD were dropped like hot beocks here with her hurtful boasting (not even true)
She can't understand 'why DD doesn't get return invites'

I'm not enlightening her and neither is anyone else.

Her choice, it's a great way to lose friends

But don’t you just let them play? And you and the other adult chat? Sorry not meaning to b rude but I can’t get my head around organising word games for visiting children or caring what they play as long as they have fun and don’t trash the place.

We are all different though

Watch Parenthood with her. Especially the but with the kid that is educated to within an each of her life although about 3 years old, but totally loses it over a simple kids party trick because she never learned about fun and 'magic'!

Well done OP.

Sounds like you handled it perfectly. Good move to switch to a neutral (soft play) area. Even though it was a little awkward, I am sure will give it some thought

Ask yourself: do my children need/deserve this? Don’t feel you need be understanding about this, she is not thinking about your kids feelings or yours! I am part of a NCT group and one of the Mums is like that. Super competitive! After a fee meetings where she spoke about how incredibly developed her child was - probably the next Einstein 🙄 I decided to let it go. I am still friend with the others Mums but don’t hangout with her - N E V E R, E V E R!! All that talking made me feel so bad. My son do not deserve being around someone so insensitive and selfish! Oh don’t think she will change, she won’t. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. xx

@Dogjustguffed, do you have any idea why your friend is so worried/bothered/anxious about her DD not being "behind" when she starts school? It seems like a strange thing to be worried about, as all the children will be at different stages with a wide range of abilities. Some will pick it up faster than others, and they're not necessarily the children who have had more exposure of the alphabet or numbers, are they. It isn't actually that much of an advantage to be reading on school entry (and nobody ever looked on someone's CV to check they were reading by the end of Reception...)

I think I'd want to know why she's so concerned about it. Maybe she has some sort of inferiority complex and is anxious to bolster herself through her DD..?

I had a friend like this when DD was small. Her DD aged 4 used used to read to my DD who was a year older and was still telling the story by looking at pictures whilst friend looked proudly but smugly on.She was very pushy and I wasn’t.
Her DD and DS got scholarships to top secondary schools and went to Oxford.
Fast forward 25 years, her DD married a loser and lives in a council flat on run down estate. DS works in a cafe. Both have very poor social skills.
My DD has three degrees including a Masters, is a Nurse, married to a Consultant and is the most wonderful, kind, socially skilled woman you could ever meet.
They all get there in the end. It’s what they do with their education and life experiences that matter in the end.

Well done OP! You handled it very well!

Peng I asked your child’s age because if you DD is only a baby or toddler and you haven’t actually done any proper play dates yet your responses and assumptions should really be viewed in that light.

Tell her to get to fuck

If she thinks life is a competition she’s Alrady failed

Oh and by the way, please could you not play word games as my dd is borderline dyslexic. ... that is just not how these things work. I'd just assume the children would be having fun at their own games. And for most children I think the spelling/reading individual words isn't the magic of literacy. That's the story, or the world of imagination, not the spelling or the 'who can spot the split diagraph.'
My dd does love playing maths games, but I wouldn't introduce them as I'm aware other children feel less confident at maths and so wouldn't enjoy them. Unless they really demonstrated an incredible keenness to be given some maths probs.

In what way is asking 2 children to read a list of words a game? You’d have to be pretty easily pleased to find that a fun game! There are ways you could make reading words into a game but that isn’t one of them imo.
I agree that the ops friend was trying to show off but it just comes across as really desperate and I feel a bit sorry for the 4yr old that’s wasting her time learning long words when she could be learning about the world through play informally as 4yr olds should.
My kids were early readers but they learned from being read to —and watching too much Alphablocks— not having word lists age 4!
As for the phonics being useless argument I don’t think you can compare adult reading to a child learning to read. Adults rarely use phonics to read as they’ve had years of experience and can read most words by sight. When you’re learning to read though it’s inefficient to try and sight read everything. There are some common words that are good to learn by sight but not less used words like butterfly or cooker.
And if the 4yr old isn’t reading these words after she has ‘learned’ them I would be surprised if she could still remember them after a few weeks anyway. So the mum is completely wasting her time and irritating friends into the bargain imo.
Hopefully she will reflect and realise she was being ridiculous.

Drop her. She's not mature, she's a bad mother and worse friend.

Oh and by the way, please could you not play word games as my dd is borderline dyslexic. ... that is just not how these things work.

Apart from anything else it’s not just kids with learning disabilities whose feelings need considered. What about a child who just isnt as bright as their peer group?