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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SAHM who are to busy too work??

336 replies

donners312 · 06/04/2018 21:39

I honestly don't have a problem with SAHM BUT I admit I am fed up of SAHM who claim they are fed up with their car/where they go on holiday/their house/kitchen etc BUT do not work.

If your DH is so shit at providing why don't you get a job and pay for it yourself?

I keep hearing it is because you are too busy to get a job?

or maybe i just need new friends?

I am NOT having a go at SAHM if you and your DH are both happy then `I am honesty happy for your family but i do feel there are some women who would rather not work and accept no responsibility for family finances whilst complaining about how shit their (lovely) life is?

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 06/04/2018 23:01

They are women I know pretty well and like i say maybe it's time for me to find different friends.

They are all lovely in lots of ways and I have known them for all for 10 -20 years.

But they slag off their DH for not providing what they want and have for years but yet cannot get jobs because they are too busy. That means going to the gym, picking kids up from school etc.

I admit things have been hard for me and maybe like other posters say that makes me jealous or bitter i don't know. But equally i cannot help thinking well you get a job and buy it then?

OP posts:
CherryBlossom321 · 06/04/2018 23:02

Have you considered questioning your friends directly about this?

g1itterati · 06/04/2018 23:02

OP - I find the whole concept for your thread very peculiar. Who are all these SAHMs you know who are constantly moaning? Where on earth do you live where this is a noticeable phenomenon?

I've been a SAHM for 14 years and I don't moan about my DH. I don't really think of him as providing for my lifestyle any more than I'm providing for his. And we both provide for the kids, just in different ways.

Probably 80% of my friends are SAHMs and I don't think I can recall a single occasion where any of them have moaned about their DHs not providing this or that. Nobody is in that mentality at all. To be fair, the DHs are all high earners, but if the women felt financially restricted, they would do something about it obviously.

Most families with a SAHM have the mentality that it doesn't matter who earns the money. It's family money and you live within those means.

People who work sometimes moan about wanting a different car or whatever too you know. Confused

Orangettes · 06/04/2018 23:03

donners312 I did have a lovely friend a few years ago who was very materialistic and she suffered for it, they lost their house several times and I felt sorry for her because it all seemed to stem from her upbringing, her dh just wanted to make her happy and she just really wanted to have a pristine house and give her ds everything he wanted and more...but it was like putting sticky plaster over a festering sore, she had so much baggage, so much to prove...she made me feel sad, she didn't whinge though she just silently got her family debt.

SentfromHeaven · 06/04/2018 23:04

OP it sounds like it's a problem in your friends relationship, whether they're a SAHM or not!!

zzzzz · 06/04/2018 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
donners312 · 06/04/2018 23:07

g1 - I agree with you and that is my point. You facilitate their high earning by being a SAHM.

I don't want to say where I live and it would not be reflective anyway as i did move as I moved when I got divorced.

I am talking about high earners as well though.

Good you and your friends all appreciate what you have!! Like i say i feel i need to find some more positive friends.

OP posts:
Orangettes · 06/04/2018 23:07

How many women do you know seriously want to get divorced but are just staying for the money? Sadly too many but none are SAHMs

g1itterati · 06/04/2018 23:08

Raoul here. Is Carlos with you?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 06/04/2018 23:08

People don't need an 'excuse' not to work ehen their dc are in school. Their lives, their business! If it suits the family to have one parent sah still, it's nothing to do with anyone else. There's no law setting out a societal pecking order of who is allowed to complain about their kitchen!

mancmummy1414 · 06/04/2018 23:09

I am a struggling (financially) SAHM.
DH earns a decent wage but outgoings are high.
I don’t want to put my DS in nursery or childcare, for reasons including; I don’t want to pay someone to do what I could be doing and earn less than minimum wage after childcare costs are deducted, my DS has issues with food and attachment which would mean he would hate nursery, starve himself and spend all day asking for me, and my career was not one that offered part time hours so it was always all or nothing for me.
YABU to judge, staying at home is not the privilege of the rich and we are allowed to moan about being skint whilst also appreciating that we get to make this life choice at all.

timeisnotaline · 06/04/2018 23:10

I work ft but seeing my friends with older children I can perfectly well understand thinking not working is the best thing for family but stilll wishing we had more money!

Weebo · 06/04/2018 23:13

You also said they are pissed off because their 'DH is shit and does nothing'.

That's a pretty big, common problem in marriages where one person stays at home.

Perhaps that's where the resentment is coming from.

SleightOfMind · 06/04/2018 23:17

When I was a child, the majority of DMs with primary aged DC were Sahms ( and most got a bloody shit deal).
The left decided to push mothers into work from a feminist perspective, the right from an economic perspective, and the upshot is fucking horrendous for women and children.

DMs going out to work at jobs they don’t want to do for awful wages while leaving their DC with someone else’s DMs or young girls working for worst wages.

The only way things are going to change is if ‘woman’s work’ is valued as highly as men’s.

Notso · 06/04/2018 23:19

I'm a SAHM to school age children, I've never moaned in the way you describe.
I have however on occasion wondered if we would be better off if I went back to work but DH and me have been through it several times and have decided it's better that I don't. Although DH would fully support me if I really wanted to.
I know several working couples who bought the most expensive house they could, have expensive cars, live generally lavish lifestyles who then have complained that they can't afford to take full parental leave/go part time/stay at home for a few years once children came along. When they could have made different choices and afforded to.
I think people who repeatedly moan about things they could change are annoying but I also understand that sometimes people need to let off steam.

Original poster
donners312 · 06/04/2018 23:20

yes i think it does - I think on days off both parents often feel they need a 'day off' and neither get it.

I get that, but once you are a single mum/dad you really are doing it all!!!

So what i am saying is appreciate what you have when you have it!!

(although my ex was a lazy arse) but lots of my friends husbands are doing their best and just get slagged off for doing nothing. I might add at this point i definitely do not fancy any of my friends husbands and definitely do not want them but think my friends could be a lot worse off!!

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 06/04/2018 23:24

Notes - I am just letting off steam!!!

Sleightofmind - totally agree!!

OP posts:
jealousmuch · 06/04/2018 23:30

To the moaning old bags - What's is got to do with you how anyone else chooses to live and run their home and family life?! Absolutely NOTHING!

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 06/04/2018 23:31

when they are not making a financial contribution themselves when they are perfectly capable of doing so

Because possibly providing childcare, laundry, food preparation, transport, cleaning, etc. isn't a worthy enough contribution? Hard cash counts only?

OP, although you've backtracked pretty hard during the course of the thread, your OP is titled SAHM who are to busy too work, and then goes on to mention SAHM's a further three times.

Not SAHP. Not SAHD. Just SAHM.

It couldn't be clearer. Poor show, from where I'm sitting.

Original poster
donners312 · 06/04/2018 23:35

I actually don't know any SAHD?

But i actually don't care for the purpose of the thread if it is male or female?

If you don't make a financial contribution then why complain about financial/material things you d not have but are quite capable of earning.

Funnily enough Full time workers also provide child care, laundry, cooking, etc etc AND money???

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 06/04/2018 23:36

Shegotbettedavis - I equally have no time for parents who only provide money BTW the other things are equally important.

OP posts:
TheJoyOfSox · 06/04/2018 23:37

You DO have a problem with it
And you ARE having a go

This⬆️

SentfromHeaven · 06/04/2018 23:38

Capitalism
Materialism

It's a Friday night. A bit too heavy to expand lol!

springmachine · 06/04/2018 23:40

I am not a SAHM but the comments I get from some family members is along the lines of telling me I should be.

No one can get it right

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 06/04/2018 23:40

I actually don't know any SAHD?

Irrelevant. You know they exist. You just excluded them.

But i actually don't care for the purpose of the thread if it is male or female?

And yet you just mention SAHM until pulled up about it?

i do feel there are some women who would rather not work

Your words.

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