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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SAHM who are to busy too work??

336 replies

donners312 · 06/04/2018 21:39

I honestly don't have a problem with SAHM BUT I admit I am fed up of SAHM who claim they are fed up with their car/where they go on holiday/their house/kitchen etc BUT do not work.

If your DH is so shit at providing why don't you get a job and pay for it yourself?

I keep hearing it is because you are too busy to get a job?

or maybe i just need new friends?

I am NOT having a go at SAHM if you and your DH are both happy then `I am honesty happy for your family but i do feel there are some women who would rather not work and accept no responsibility for family finances whilst complaining about how shit their (lovely) life is?

OP posts:
Orangettes · 06/04/2018 22:18

So OP as a SAHM friend of yours I would need to listen to my WOHM friends bitch and moan about their jobs, lives, dh but shut up about my own frustrations, right...that seems fair. Duly noted!

zsazsajuju · 06/04/2018 22:19

Women who absolve themselves of financial responsibility annoy me whether sahm or not. One of my friends told me “I’m allowed a new car”. Right. Her husband allows this you see. She has no idea what mortgage they have, etc. She is like a child and he is like the dad. Some women like that but it would drive me bonkers.

Does that help?

Original poster
donners312 · 06/04/2018 22:20

I do also get it can be a lack of confidence.

BUT still think if that is the reason then at last appreciate what you have and accept that you are not going to work and make the most of what you have and be grateful.

I d also appreciate the value of SAHM at think your DH should appreciate what you do too!

Most of my friends are ungrateful SAHM and I admit I need to look for some new friends. I have always worked personally and I have had some big life changes I don't know where to find new friends who are a bit more "realistic"

Have never posted on mumsnet and not had any criticism of my spelling or grammar. If it makes you feel better to correct me please go for it - I am in my 40s and shit grammar has made no difference to my life. :0)

OP posts:
SentfromHeaven · 06/04/2018 22:20

Why do women in our society attack women?!! Maybe because they feel incredibly insecure and like to counter transfer these onto others?!!

If a SAHM earn't a salary from the government for looking after their own child, do you think it would be viewed in the same way!! Essentially that's what the government are doing-paying to look after your children! What's wrong with being paid for looking after your 'own' children. Of course, because the minority would abuse it!!

There are women who go out to work not just for financial gain but to keep their sanity!!

Jenna43 · 06/04/2018 22:20

BUT I do have a lot of friends (and I do admit I am sick of listening to it) who claim to want to get divorced or that their DH is shit and does nothing BUT who do provide all the money that enables the DM t not work. The DM often complains kitchen or car is not good enough for them and sorry i do think well get a job and buy it yourself???

By being a SAHM, these women have enabled their DHs to go to work without having to worry about child-care, they've saved money by not putting their kids into nursery etc...you seem to be implying that these women shouldn't have a say in how the money is spent? It should be family money, not just the DHs.

Flopsymopsycottontailbuns · 06/04/2018 22:21

I don't know about moaning about not liking kitchens/financial issues etc but....

It drives me around the bend to hear about "how busy" they are which I repeatedly get from one of my friends and sister in law.
Claiming "busy" due to swimming/ballet/trampoline/diving lessons and cleaning whilst farming half of this off to grandparents. Try doing kids clubs whilst working and travelling up to 500 miles a week for work then you may have an idea of what other people's "busy" looks like.

No issue with SAHMs, I do have an issue with people who define busy as having to travel to a swimming lesson.

PasstheStarmix · 06/04/2018 22:22

@SentfromHeaven words of sense

SentfromHeaven · 06/04/2018 22:23

Why does a SAHM have to be ungrateful?!! Ungrateful for what?!! For looking after their own children which is in my opinion the most undervalued job yet the most important job in our society!!

Motherd · 06/04/2018 22:23

Just because they are a SAHM doesn't mean they have to be happy about every single thing in their life. They're entitled to not be happy with everything if they have a reason for it.. why don't you mind your own business instead of being so annoyed about someone elses life. If your sick of listening to it then don't listen. Simple

C8H10N4O2 · 06/04/2018 22:24

Sahp don't have to be grateful to their dh's for jack shit

Agree with that.

Having a sah partner is a joint decision and one that suits both parties

Don't agree with that.
Often the cost of childcare forces the decision, although somehow where neither partner is an above average earner its still usually the woman who sacrifices the financial independence.

MaisyPops · 06/04/2018 22:24

jenna
Yes it is family money. I agree.
But then it's family money to discuss how it is spent.

If the family money is paying the bills with a little bit left over and not enough for a new car/kitchen/bathroom then it's pointless whining about 'i want... i want...'

My logic is DH and I would love an extension on our house. We can't afford it. Neither of us spends time whining about what we can't afford and how unfair it is thay other friends have managed to self build a house.

KnackeredOldWoman01 · 06/04/2018 22:25

Why are they not allowed to have a moan about their car or holidays etc? Do you think they are not entitled to because they are not earning the money? I think SAHP are equal and their contribution to family life is of exactly the same value as the other person who will be earning the money. Nobody has to justify their role, be it at home or in the workplace.

You sound bitter and jealous. Do you wish you were able to SAH? Are the people you are referring to, your friends? Poor friends!

Weebo · 06/04/2018 22:26

Awk, I'm sure they are sick of the shite you moan about too.

Shame to lose out on friends because you can't get over yourself, though.

starlightmeteorite · 06/04/2018 22:26

We are financially better off if I stay at home. That said I do part time work from home which contributes financially.

Child care is expensive, especially when you factor in wrap around care and holiday clubs.

Viviennemary · 06/04/2018 22:26

We all moan about something. If people want to be SAHM's that's their choice. But fairly often it isn't really a wise one in the long term IMHO.

SentfromHeaven · 06/04/2018 22:27

I also think that anger, frustration, feeling undervalued as a SAHM is usually a reflection on how they feel undervalued by their partner!

KnackeredOldWoman01 · 06/04/2018 22:27

Op - maybe find a higher earning partner? Then you can fulfil your wish.

Jenna43 · 06/04/2018 22:28

They should just be honest and admit that they prefer being at home while their kids are young and show some gratitude to their DH's for paying for their lifestyle choice. Being able to not work is a tremendous privilege, and one that so few women globally have

When did it become wrong to want to bring up our own children..and then have to listen to this bollocks. Show gratitude to DHs? It's also their^ children we're looking after 24/7 and not handing over thousands every year to someone else to look after them. Gratitude my arse.

KnackeredOldWoman01 · 06/04/2018 22:30

OP is jealous or maybe just hates women? Note the SAHM, not SAHP

AssignedPuuurfectAtBirth · 06/04/2018 22:31

Why should you give a fuck? Who are these people who annoy you so much?

If they are your friends then go ahead and tell them. And then they will probably dump you. Problem solved.

(Your misuse of 'to/too' irritates me far more)

Original poster
donners312 · 06/04/2018 22:31

Once I’ve done the school run and taken the dog out I have around 4 hours a day to do everything before I have to do the school run again.
Maybe I could get a job for those 4 hours, term time only and I do sometimes do some freelance work if it fits in but I also have 2 voluntary positions so generally yes I am too busy to work.
I suppose I could use childcare but both me and DH don’t want me to and he earns plenty anyway, also due to our financial set up I’m not actually vulnerable either -

OK this is the sort of thing I MIGHT be referring to, once i've taken the dog out????? Now if you and your DH are totally happy with how it all goes then what the problem??? But i do have friends who say once i've taken the dog out etc and complain they are too busy?? well get rid of the dog? If you had to eat you would have to? but as you aid you are not in a financially vulnerable position so what is the problem?

Youcancallmeval - that is actually what i am talking about!!!!

As i say i get sometimes it doesn't work for whatever reason and i am not referring to you!!!!

OP posts:
zsazsajuju · 06/04/2018 22:31

How do we feel about sahms who live on benefits and complain they don’t have enough money? Don’t we tell them to get a job? Isn’t that what op is talking about?

Weebo · 06/04/2018 22:32

Fuck a duck, Knackered - I felt that blow from here.

Ouch. :o

Flopsymopsycottontailbuns · 06/04/2018 22:34

@donners312 forgot about the dog walking issue, my SIL's favourite. Get a cat.

KnackeredOldWoman01 · 06/04/2018 22:34

Weebo, you must be very delicate!