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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SAHM who are to busy too work??

336 replies

donners312 · 06/04/2018 21:39

I honestly don't have a problem with SAHM BUT I admit I am fed up of SAHM who claim they are fed up with their car/where they go on holiday/their house/kitchen etc BUT do not work.

If your DH is so shit at providing why don't you get a job and pay for it yourself?

I keep hearing it is because you are too busy to get a job?

or maybe i just need new friends?

I am NOT having a go at SAHM if you and your DH are both happy then `I am honesty happy for your family but i do feel there are some women who would rather not work and accept no responsibility for family finances whilst complaining about how shit their (lovely) life is?

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 06/04/2018 23:42

The last bit isn't my words but I would agree and that is up to them - sp what? unless they complain about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 06/04/2018 23:44

Also i don't know what the statistics are of SAHD I think 5%.

And again so what - the point is the same if it was a SAHD complaining i would say the same if you want more then you go and get a job?
(unless as i have repeatedly said that for some reason it is not tenable)

OP posts:
SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 06/04/2018 23:50

The last bit isn't my words

Cut and pasted from your OP, OP.

And again so what - the point is the same if it was a SAHD complaining

So what? You repeatedly lay into women and then grudgingly accept that the same just might apply to some men and you don't see why that's a problem?

Original poster
donners312 · 06/04/2018 23:53

Maybe you are right and there are loads of men doing the grunt work and i just haven't noticed. I honestly don't know any or know of any.

I am not laying into women, it is because women are the ones in my experience who literally get left doing all the child care, and then end up complaining about it that i started the thread.

OP posts:
SentfromHeaven · 06/04/2018 23:54

If you earn't exactly the same wage for being a SAHP or you go out to work, what would you choose?!!

Off to Zzz now!

Original poster
donners312 · 06/04/2018 23:56

shegotbette - you are right i did say it - sorry!! I think it is true in SOME cases though.

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 06/04/2018 23:58

sentfromh - I have honestly never thought of that and it is a great question! I don't know I think probably SAHP.? however when I have had times in my life i didn't work it didn't make me feel all that good (personally not criticizing other people who enjoy it) so I really don't know!!!!!

OP posts:
twelly · 07/04/2018 00:00

Some have a choice whether to be a SAHM some don't. Those who chose have made a conscious deviousness for whatever reason to stay at home - in which case they deem that to be more important. That is their decision but they cannot then complain that they do not have the benefits of an extra income.

Thinkingofausername1 · 07/04/2018 00:03

You seem like you do have a problem.
I would work, if I didn't have on going health issues. But I'm not exactly sure employers would love me having appointments all the time. So I choose not to work.
I've come across lots of people like you with this attitude. all people ask is 'oh do you work' blah blah. And if I say I don't work the response has been bloody appalling sometimes. Work isn't everything.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/04/2018 00:08

People moan regardless. If they weird worked and moaned would you say they shouldn't moan they should get a better job?

If they're really annoying with incessant moaning about how terribly hard their life is, say something. Perhaps they just need to vent, perhaps they are ungrateful of their fortunate circumstances.

I had to give up work when I had mummy son, we survive basic life with help from benefits and I'll struggle to quirk around his school hours knowing I can't use wrap around. At some point some of those benefits will stop and we'll be screwed. I suspect I'll be working nights and sleeping when he's at school but such is life. I'm entitled to moan about it to my friends, just as they can moan about their jobs. That's how friendship works

Goldenbear · 07/04/2018 01:01

I was a SAHM for a fairly long time and now work in a professional job that is supposed to be 32hrs a week but in reality I have to work most evenings from home to keep on top of things. I think that as others have mentioned SAHM status does not discount the right for you to moan about things and this is the thing I hated most about it - everyone feels they have a right to question you on your decision and you have to justify yourself in a way that you don't when you carry out a paid occupation. My husband earns well but I wanted to return to work as I missed the social side of work and wanted the same reasons for not doing things around the house as him, i.e working. I have to say though that I commute and start work very early to enable me to pick up my children most days from school and he takes them. So after commuting and working a 7hr day with a break at the desk as there's too much work, I pick up the children and am doing all the stuff I did as a SAHM on top of that day. After they're in bed it's back to working from home on the laptop and getting the children's stuff ready for the next day. My husband ordinarily gets in at 9. I am very anemic at the moment so that doesn't help but even if I wasn't I am shattered and it is surprising to hear that a PP who is a SAHM says her husband admits he is not as exhausted as her even though he works full time! On the other hand I suppose it depends on the type of work he does and whether he lifts a finger at home. IMO, working now and still doing most of the childcare is much more exhausting than when I was a SAHM.

Weebo · 07/04/2018 04:58

I hate the pissing contest.

Why would it be surprising to hear that someone who works is not as exhausted as a SAHM when you know nothing about their life?

If a woman is saying it's hard for her then listen - Don't aim to make her feel bad by listing all the ways you assume you have it worse than her.

It's the equivalent of saying SAHM's are closer to their children because they are more involved in their day to day lives which is, of course, total bollocks.

It would still be crap to hear though, right?

MaisyPops · 07/04/2018 07:44

Some have a choice whether to be a SAHM some don't. Those who chose have made a conscious deviousness for whatever reason to stay at home - in which case they deem that to be more important. That is their decision but they cannot then complain that they do not have the benefits of an extra income.
This.
It's not about people being a SAHP.
It's people who are in a position to change theit situation endlessly moaning about things but aren't willing to do anything about it.

E.g. SAHP who choose to stay at home but want the lifestyle that comes with having 2 salaries so complain they don't have what thry want.
E.g. People who could get another job moaning day in day out about why they hate their job
E.g. People who complain about how awful their DP is but then go on to have a baby with them & spend the next 2 years complaining only to split up and then be complakning about how useless their ex is. They knew DP was useless before having a baby.

If you can't change a situation, make peace with it and be grateful for what you do have.
E.g. If you can't work because being a SAHP is fhe best option for your family, don't waste your days comparing to others. Make the most of thr good things in life.

If you can't change jobs for whatever reason then sure have the odd rant about your boss, but accept you've got a job to do and don't be that person always whining about work.

staydazzling · 07/04/2018 07:46

oh bore off the entire mentality of this thread is SAHM's shouldn't complain.

Grobagsforever · 07/04/2018 08:00

One of the most satisfying moments on a recent holiday (I'm a widowed parent, went lots of other widowed parents, to a villa which hosts about 15 families and everyone shares a meal in the evening so group chat) was as follows:

Lots of married SAHMs with high earning husbands 'Oh I would work but it's just so hard to find a job that fits round school hours don't you find'

Me: 'It is a challenge yes, but isn't it fascinating how you never hear a man say that'

Them 'Stunned silence at plain obvious truth'

Me 'Of course as a widowed parent I have to work, funnily enough it's fine with a bit of planning and juggling'

So yes, SAHMs who claim they don't have time to work are by and large being ridiculous - Especially if they think it's because they have to 'clean and feed' a high earning DH. FFS.

MiaowTheCat · 07/04/2018 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MCSpammer · 07/04/2018 08:12

Right. So you're only allowed to have a moan if you've got a job? Christ, sometimes you just want to let off steam to a friend, it doesn't actually mean you do want to divorce your husband or you're that pissed off with your life. People moan.

MaisyPops · 07/04/2018 08:16

My cars functional but knackered, we haven't had a holiday in years... that's the trade off we made in life.
Maybe I'm being too charitable to the OP but I took it as they were irritated by people who could work opting not to and spending their time whining about all the extras they want in life. So they have no issue with people opting to be SAHP, no issue with people having ti stay at hoke because working isn't viable ib their situation. They are irritated (unless I've read it wrong) with a certain group of SAHP who could work, don't have to be at home but then continually feel hard done to.

Sort of like my friend's mum when I was in school. We were in secondary and sitting GCSEs all NT kids, no wrap around care needed, school in walking distance of home. Friend's mum 'couldn't work' and made a huge fuss about how awfully busy she was (kept the house like a show room and then did her own thing all day). We were round and would hear her mum on the phone to her friends whining about how they wouod just loveto have x y z but obviously with DP's job that's never going to happen. Even as a teen I remember thinking 'well get a job'.

As you've said, you've made your choices in life and are getting on with it. I don't think the OP was meaning people like you.

MaisyPops · 07/04/2018 08:18

MCSpammer
Yes people moan and have the odd rant.

But people who whine endlessly about things they have no ability to control or intention to change are mood hoovers (whatever they are moaning about).

Ansumpasty · 07/04/2018 08:29

People presume that everyone else has the same opportunities as them. It’s a human trait: ‘I have it, it was easy to do, if everyone else worked a bit harder and got off their lazy arses then they could have it, too.’

I feel panicked when I think about my first class degree and potential career dwindling away. I have 0 support network, with a husband who works abroad full time, family who live on the other side of the world and in laws who live in a different European country. Going back to work with young children and no help to do drop offs and pick ups and school holidays and sick days would be very hard for me. I’m looking every day for a job that is as flexible as I need it to be and they seem very few and far between. I’m allowed to moan that I haven’t bought myself new clothes in years, etc. I work by arse off raising the kids on my own and holding up the family so my husband can work abroad and fulfill his dreams of having his own business, etc.

Threads like this always make me feel so shit Angry

YoohooDorothy · 07/04/2018 08:36

@Ansumpasty genuine question but why do you live where you live if you have no support, don't work and your DH doesn't work there? What keeps you there?

peanutbutter310 · 07/04/2018 08:36

I would class this as comparable to a WOHP having a moan because they missed the school play due to work, first steps happened at nursery, etc.

Ignoring the people for whom the decision was made through necessity, these people have made a choice based on what they prioritise most. Whether that be two incomes to pay for nice things or tightening their belts so one parent can stay at home. Either way, there are benefits and sacrifices. That doesn't mean that they can't occasionally glance over and think the grass looks a bit greener on the other side.

Shinycantle · 07/04/2018 08:47

Grobags surely you never hear men saying how difficult it is to find work that fits around school hours because they usually have a sahm wife (or wife who works of hrs) at home taking care of all of that?

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 07/04/2018 09:08

This is a very strange thread.

Shinycantle · 07/04/2018 09:10

pt hrs