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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SAHM who are to busy too work??

336 replies

donners312 · 06/04/2018 21:39

I honestly don't have a problem with SAHM BUT I admit I am fed up of SAHM who claim they are fed up with their car/where they go on holiday/their house/kitchen etc BUT do not work.

If your DH is so shit at providing why don't you get a job and pay for it yourself?

I keep hearing it is because you are too busy to get a job?

or maybe i just need new friends?

I am NOT having a go at SAHM if you and your DH are both happy then `I am honesty happy for your family but i do feel there are some women who would rather not work and accept no responsibility for family finances whilst complaining about how shit their (lovely) life is?

OP posts:
InDubiousBattle · 06/04/2018 22:02

You have a lot of friends who are like this? The overwhelming majority of people are not SAHPs , even less moan about not being able to afford things so you have a massive pool to find new , better, working friends from!

Labradoodliedoodoo · 06/04/2018 22:05

You don’t quite get it do you? You’re assuming that these women can find work that covers the cost of childcare.

MammaTJ · 06/04/2018 22:06

A lot of my life would be better if I could bring some money into the house as well as DP! However I am disabled, not able to work in care, which is all I have ever done. Just s well really, because I had to pull DD out of school due to extreme bullying. I now home educate her and will for the next school year too.

She is 12, too young, IMO, to be left for long periods, she wouldn't let me anyway. So, I could not work right now.

I am considering trying for an evening supermarket job though. Would that meet your high standards OP, HE my DD during the day, then miss out on time with my DS, who already resents the time I spend with DD, to work!

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 06/04/2018 22:06

Sahp don't have to be grateful to their dh's for jack shit. Having a sah partner is a joint decision and one that suits both parties. If it didn't, then it wouldn't happen. The woh partner should be as 'grateful' for the childcare provided and the freedom of never having to worry about school holiday cover/ehat happens when the kids are sick, as the sah partner should be for the financial support!

beaut2123 · 06/04/2018 22:06

Totally agree with OP!

Original poster
donners312 · 06/04/2018 22:07

Eggz - yes it these type of SAHM i'm referring to.

I get sick kids, or children who need additional requirements or it just doesn't work..

I am specifically talking about the SAHM who could work but choose not to and then say the yard too busy whilst complaining about holidays/cars etc

They want to get divorced , hate their husbands but refuse to work because they ar somehow too busy??

I am not a OW or anything BTW I am single Mum supporting my DC myself. Regularly telling my lucky SAHM mates to start appreciating their husbands they say they do nothing which may well be true but they do provide the family finances honestly appreciate it if you have it!!!!

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 06/04/2018 22:08

Sahp don't have to be grateful to their dh's for jack shit. Having a sah partner is a joint decision and one that suits both parties. If it didn't, then it wouldn't happen. The woh partner should be as 'grateful' for the childcare provided and the freedom of never having to worry about school holiday cover/ehat happens when the kids are sick, as the sah partner should be for the financial support!

Well yes. Except that rather than saying neither of them should be grateful, I think both of them should be grateful.

PasstheStarmix · 06/04/2018 22:09

‘They want to get divorced , hate their husbands but refuse to work because they are somehow too busy??’

Never met anybody like this. How did you meet so many SAHM’s?

Hassled · 06/04/2018 22:09

I was one of those women - I was a SAHM for years after DC4, far far longer than I needed to be, and yes, we could have done with me earning money.

A lot of it was just that my confidence was shot to hell - the longer I was out of the workplace, the more daunting it seemed. So I used any excuse to justify why I couldn't possibly work (in my defence, I did do a lot of voluntary stuff, but it wasn't the same).

With the benefit of hindsight, I would never have stayed at home so long. It did me no good. But I absolutely understand why one can feel stuck in that role.

Hoppinggreen · 06/04/2018 22:11

Once I’ve done the school run and taken the dog out I have around 4 hours a day to do everything before I have to do the school run again.
Maybe I could get a job for those 4 hours, term time only and I do sometimes do some freelance work if it fits in but I also have 2 voluntary positions so generally yes I am too busy to work.
I suppose I could use childcare but both me and DH don’t want me to and he earns plenty anyway, also due to our financial set up I’m not actually vulnerable either

AlonsoTigerHeart · 06/04/2018 22:11

Other people can whinge too.
Comparison is the thief of joy

And saying your honestly not then adding BUT constantly shows you do have a problem eith it

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 06/04/2018 22:12

Have a (‘lovely’) Biscuit

Labradoodliedoodoo · 06/04/2018 22:12

Your point is tottaly rubbish. It’s perfectly fine to complain about a knackered old car whether you’re a SAHP or not. SAHPs can still complain about a car while still prioritising being their children’s childcare. SAHPs often find that pay doesn’t cover the cost of childcare.

YoucancallmeVal · 06/04/2018 22:13

I think you must know someone on my fb list! Two late teens, spends her time posting on fb that her day has been 'crazy'. "Two loads of washing and a trip to the post office and it's only 10am!!!!" Sahms who look after little ones all day deserve medals, it's joyless. Adults who do no childcare but complain they are flat out are just pensioners in waiting. I've got zero sympathy for anyone who thinks clearing out the under stairs cupboard over a 3 day period needs a standing ovation.

Fruitcorner123 · 06/04/2018 22:13

Is there a minimum number of hours you are allowed to work before you have a bit if a moan about any aspects of your life?

MaisyPops · 06/04/2018 22:13

Are SAHM's never allowed to complain then? Are they supposed to be eternally happy with their lot like some sort of Stepford wife?
There's a difference between saying

E.g. DH and I both work. We both find ourselved saying 'It would be so good to travel there but the mortgage won't pay itself'. I've got car envy from a friend abd DH has kindly pointed out that we aren't due a new car any time soon.

A SAHP saying it would be nice to do a big family break. Don't you just hate people who do disney each year Smile is perfectly reasonable. Ditto to any of the types of chats me abd DH have.

I would be pissed off if DH was at home all the time constantly going on about how Danny has a new kitchen. They'rr revamping their whole downstairs because it's getting dated. They decorate every 3 years. We haven't done ours in 5. We rrally should. There's some lovely neff ovens for £1000. Have you seen Tim's new car. I want a car like that oh yeah but we can't afford it can we because Sarah and Tim nust easily have £80,000 between them and to be fair most of that is Sarah anyway. Tim just pulls in a bit on the side doing his hobby business. It must be so nice not having to worry like that abd have nice things. Why do we never go to Florida on holiday? Simon says his family all go away each summer and they go skiing over the Easter break.
It's not an attractive trait to have and I would start resenting him.

user1474652148 · 06/04/2018 22:14

I choose not to work. I enjoy raising our children, looking after the house and doing voluntary work. I feel very lucky that i can do this, however, I am twice as exhausted as my dh at 6pm (and he freely admits it is much easier to work) so we both work extremely hard I different ways, so I have equal say in any expenditure.
We all complain we want new kitchens, bathrooms no? Regardless - such a weird fixation

Hoppinggreen · 06/04/2018 22:14

And as for gratitude if I took a full time position DH couldn’t work the way he does or have the free time he does and his life would be more difficult so gratitude works both ways in our house

kaytee87 · 06/04/2018 22:14

Yawn

stayathomer · 06/04/2018 22:14

This is like where people are not allowed to complain about their job, they should be happy they have one. Unless you know people who moan all of the time, yes, sahms can surely the odd time vent that their car is breaking down or they can't have a holiday. They vent at others so that they don't vent at their DH and make them feel like they're not providing. Most people (obviously not the privileged entitled bratty people) are very very grateful, but it is rubbish being made feel like you're a kept person or aren't entitled to take part in any conversations because you no longer contribute to society and are at home doing nothing all day. Most of us would love to work but don't have the babysitting back up or money to do so.

user1474652148 · 06/04/2018 22:15

In

MonkeyPoke · 06/04/2018 22:16

I don't have time to work because my husband must work nearly 70 hours a week, but he does bring in enough money for us to live comfortably. I make sure he's fed and in clean clothes every day! :D

MaisyPops · 06/04/2018 22:17

*There's a difference between saying 'here's a small observation and some wishful thinking' and being an ungrateful PITA whining about wanting more but think others should.provide it.

curious86 · 06/04/2018 22:17

I have a friend who wants to go back to work after having her DS but when she applied for the nursery for her sons childcare they wouldn't take him on, they said they only had places for people that struggle. When she asked what this ment the lady told her we only have places for people who don't work. I don't understand how this works and my friend was not happy, she wants to provide for her family but can't get childcare

nursy1 · 06/04/2018 22:18

Some SAHM are like this and yes, it’s annoying. I think it’s whatever works in a marriage. Me and DH had six kids between us who all lived with us and were in 4 different schools.
Our early lives together I was a SAHM because I just could not earn enough to cover the costs of working. However I totally recognise the type of SAHM you mean. They are just annoying people with that lazy entitled attitude. One of my daughters school friends is one like this now. Her husbands business is on very shaky ground but my daughter reckons she is totally unaware. Last time I saw her she was planning their next holiday. His, “ I’m not sure we can afford a holiday this year love” is just him being a whinge. Wilful blindness I think! His fault I suppose, they seem to have a real old fashioned marriage.