SAHM who are to busy too work??

[donners312]

I honestly don't have a problem with SAHM BUT I admit I am fed up of SAHM who claim they are fed up with their car/where they go on holiday/their house/kitchen etc BUT do not work.

If your DH is so shit at providing why don't you get a job and pay for it yourself?

I keep hearing it is because you are too busy to get a job?

or maybe i just need new friends?

I am NOT having a go at SAHM if you and your DH are both happy then `I am honesty happy for your family but i do feel there are some women who would rather not work and accept no responsibility for family finances whilst complaining about how shit their (lovely) life is?

Sorry you are so bitter takeit, but I very much doubt men with SAH wives need your sympathy. Save it for someone who cares.

I am sorry but I fail to see how SAHMs benefit society in any way.

yes, they benefit their families but outside that? They don't pay tax, they don't contribute to anything (unless they volunteer) and are solely concerned with their own family and their own world.

I am not saying that's a bad thing, I hate work and attach no moral value to it, I'd give up today if I could.

But to claim that they contribute to society by not working is just plain wrong.

Haven’t rtft, but I’m quite unhappy with your tone op. I’ve been a stay at home mum for 10 years and have recently gone back to work. I wouldn’t change a thing as I’ve been lucky enough to retrain and now have the career of my dreams, but it’s been hard going. Dh is very supportive and has picked up the slack when I’ve had to be away for courses etc. It’s been a huge shock to his system to find out what I actually do and how much it costs to pay for these things!!

Dog walking was mentioned earlier. We have two that I didn’t really want as I knew that as the sahp they would be my responsibility. But I gave in, not once but twice, and now the daily, midday half hr walk, which I used to do foc costs us £90 per week. I still walk them before and after work most days too. Of course we could just ‘get rid’ of them. We also now spend £60 per week on a cleaner which dh was appalled by, but not enough to actually do any housework himself so the cleaner stays.

The biggest adjustment has been actually having to help out with the school runs a couple of times a week. At first he point blank refused, and said he just couldn’t commit to helping, even though my new role requires a certain amount of travel and I just can’t physically be there every day. Eventually I got so upset that I told him if we were divorced he would have to pick them up at least once a fortnight eow and he realised how unfair he was being.

Dh has always been grateful to me for putting my career on hold to raise our family, just as I have always been grateful him for allowing me the opportunity to do so and maintaining a comfortable income for us all. But it is only recently that he realised just how much my being a sahm has aided his career in terms of saving us money and most importantly, allowing him extra time at work without worrying about the kids routines. I am very fortunate in that I have a supportive dh (for the most part!) who did help me to retrain, provided encouragement when my confidence was low after such a long time out of the work place and has finally begun helping with the realities of maintaining the family routines. Maybe these complaining, ‘ungrateful’ women don’t have that.

Takeit but why do you pay so much for child care if it’s not a valuable job that needs doing? Why pay over the odds unless you are paying for a valuable service. If your childminder deserves respect for what she does why is a sahm doing the same lazy? That said I would never dream of thinking I had it harder than a single parent. That must be the hardest thing in the world. And I feel really bloody lucky that I get to spend all day doing fun stuff with the person I Iove most whilst my dh works hard out of the home and I often thank him for the work he puts in. That doesn’t mean there’s no value to what I do though and he fully admits he wouldn’t be able to do it.

But to claim that they contribute to society by not working is just plain wrong.

Is this what anyone said?
I was under the impression that some of the things they do because they have spare time during the normal workday is of benefit to society. I'm pretty sure every sahm I know (myself included) has volunteered in some capacity or another. Whether this is running scout groups, helping in schools or charity organizations, whatever.

Oh dear, me. SAHM don't need to prove to anyone that they are 'contributing to society'. They're not on parole. They are contributing as much as the next ordinary person.

I stay at home but I'm poor and moan about it. If I work, il be £700 a month worse off than I am now. Catch 22!

Can't I moan??

You think that's bad I'm friends with a couple who have never workerd a day in there life's and they have no kids just lazy. im not usually a judgemental person but I Am with them infact I've distanced myself from them not because they dont work but because of their self untitled attitudes.

Wow so many typos

Maybe you have a point. Maybe you don’t.
I’m a stahm. I sometimes moan about being broke (we’re okay) because sometimes with friends you have a moan. Just like as a working parent you might moan about leaving your baby or nursery causing stress or an annoying boss. It doesn’t mean you want to be a SAHP. We all have the right to have a little moan about our lives from time to time!

If they are truly miserable then why not ask (not not not in PA way) if they are happy with the set up. Maybe they actually would like to work but have lost confidence or family circumstances prevent it.

"SAHM don't need to prove to anyone that they are 'contributing to society'. They're not on parole. They are contributing as much as the next ordinary person."

Yes this exactly.

To all those criticising SAHMs on here, I'd love to know what all their jobs actually are that they can presume the moral high ground and consider themselves to be making a "contribution to society" that is on any way greater than anyone else's. I find it staggering. Presumably, we have a forum of aid workers, research scientists, nurses and surgeons? Or should we get into the debate of which jobs are of more "value to society" than while we're at it. Then everyone can know their place and nobody can ever complain about anything again. If it's all about tax contributions, then presumably we revere city bankers above all else?

Presumably it is about the tax to some degree though - I doubt any government is going to offer free / subsidised nursery hours just out of the goodness of their own heart - they want to see the employment figures up. FWIW I think sahms make valuable contributions, but the tax collection from lower earners is more reliable - isn't the bulk of tax avoidance from the very rich?

Ridiculous thread. Why is there so much vitriol for mothers who choose to stay at home? You can dress it up with any heading you like, but the underlying sentiment is still the same. As for the comments that SAHMs do not contribute to society in any way, as they don't pay taxes etc. How utterly ignorant!
Most people have contributed prior to having kids, if they choose to take a break from their careers, in order to prioritise the needs of their family, then that is their choice. And anything that contributes towards raising a happy, well adjusted, successful family, is for a greater good. It might not benefit every Tom Dick & Harry, but who ever dictated that what we do in life should?
I've been in both roles. I've been a high earner and an unpaid volunteer, and stayed at home when that's been best for us. Neither option has been easy. And yes, sacrificing my large salary, for the flexibility of being at home with a child who has often been ill, has been no walk in the park. And yes, it's hard not being able to do the things we once did. But if you think people who lament that spending potential, are all doing it because we are lazy and bone idle, then seriously, your ignorance knows no bounds.

All the men I know who have long-term SAH wives are well into the top 1% of earners. The families have never used any free childcare places, benefits or even state school places. All these families are far and away net contributors of tax, regardless of whether the wife earns or not.

If a family has 2 children in state school, and receives an average wage, that family is likely to not be a net tax contributor, as the cost of the school places, free nursery hours or any top-up benefits /tax credits etc are likely to outstrip their tax contributions.

In any case, it is never as simple as saying two parents working = greater tax contributions.

If one parent's earnings are well out of proportion to the other, it can make sense - not only for the family, but for society as a whole - to focus on and support that earning potential and the tax contribution that ensues as a result. Many of the highest earners are also the entrepreneurs and job creators in society too.

Depends what you mean by lower earners. Current personal allowance is £11,850. A person on minimum wage won't be paying much income tax even if full time, and would need to be doing 30 hours plus to pay anything at all. A lot of lower earners will be paying no income tax or not really enough to cover the costs of administering it.

I agree indigo. My DH pays top rate tax. His tax bill alone is more than double the average salary. Are we to question our contribution to society?? I'm staggered how ignorant some people can be.

To be fair, if your experience of families with a SAHP is limited to those where the working partner is in the top 1% of earners, that's massively unrepresentative. We know SAHPs are found in all income brackets. I dont think any generalisations are helpful, be they relating to tax take or otherwise. Literally the only thing that families with a SAHP all have in common is that they have a SAHP.

Wow this thread has become quite nasty recently. I am virtually a long term sahp. I have been one with a bit of part time work for 13 years due to age gaps.
I resent the idea that I am lazy and give nothing back outside the family and my dh would be better off if I got off my lazy arse and went back to work properly.
Well let me tell you if I worked more hours he would have to help with childcare, pick ups, housework, medical appointments etc etc. No way would be want to do this any more than I want to slave away in a minimum wage job. I may feel differently if I had a well paid career like dh.
Incidentally I worked for 20 years straight from school before having children and will work again. Dh has been a hrt tax payer for most of his career and our children will too.
I also volunteer and have helped working parents with emergency childcare.
I don't care what others do and not need to attack others choosing or being forced to follow a different path.

That was will work too. Not saying they will be hrt tax payers.

The bitterness and venom I see on these threads never fails to fascinate me.

Until very recently I was a WOHM. I took ‘normal’ paid maternity leave and went back to working 5 days a week when both kids (now 11 and 8) went to nursery. It wasn’t really a choice - family finances made it a necessity. I never resented our family situation, nor did I look down on people who had made different decisions. Did it irritate me that other parents (male and female) moaned about their situations? Not particularly - it’s part of human nature to moan. Getting irritated by other people’s moans serves no purpose.

I have now become a SAHM. Again, it wasn’t really a choice - my disability and changing job role forced me into an early retirement. Am I less ‘valuable’ to society now than I was before? Well, yes - if my value is solely reflected by my personal contribution to the economy. But that’s a dangerous path to go down. Measuring someone’s value by how much they financially contribute to society is totally wrong in my opinion. It’s ironic that it seems so common on MN when it comes to women judging SAHMs.

Anyone who wants to look down their noses at me or make judgments about my worth or laziness can take a really long walk off a really short pier.

I think the long and short of this thread is that you are not too happy at your current setup, OP, and so you're getting irritated at those who seemingly have it easier than you do. Fair enough. That is human nature. The SAHM debate is another matter entirely and I think it always causes things to be sidetracked.

The question is, what can you do to make your life easier? Reduce your hours, increase your support network, get more assistance from EX DH, find out which benefits you may be entitled to?

I am married and work 5 days per week. I don't particularly like it but needs must. I do get what people mean when they say they're too busy to work. Running a house single-handedly for 4 people is no mean feet and to do that while working ft is doable but v stressful and not something I personally recommend. My DH does what he can but works more hours than me - my work is flexible and works around the school and the holidays but it still takes up much of my time.

I am currently off work for the holidays and my stress levels are notably lower. Really, I am too busy to work for my current lifestyle and it would be far better for my wellbeing to be a SAHM or far more part-time than I am.

So, really, that's what you need to focus on. Life is hard for you now. Do what you can to make it easier if at all possible. Distance yourself from anyone who irritates you.

I'm a sahm because childcare is so expensive

When your kids have left home, nobody will care who did what anyway. You can be you again. It's like the breast vs bottle debate.

Measuring someone’s value by how much they financially contribute to society is totally wrong in my opinion.

Agree. Imagine if everyone doing unpaid work stopped tomorrow. I think ‘society would notice. You’d never have this vitriol directed to someone who was caring for elderly relatives full time.