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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say we get rid of cleaner when maternity leave starts?

411 replies

dazedconfused81 · 06/04/2018 20:32

Man alert!! 😂 So my wife starts maternity leave soon and is adament she wants to take as long as possible off, so 12mths probably. (Which is another bone of contention, as I would have liked to take longer off work than the standard 2 weeks!)

Obviously I’m worried about the financial impact this will have, and we’ve discussed cutting back. One of the things I think we should get rid of is the cleaner, which currently costs us about £140/mth. She disagrees, saying we will need it more than ever.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
happychange · 06/04/2018 21:09

We fired our cleaner as well during my maternity leave. She actually expected it as she said lots of her clients get rid of her during their maternity leave

To be fair she wasn't very good and I was happy to be rid of her Grin

My husband does almost all the cleaning now though

windchimesabotage · 06/04/2018 21:09

Im a SAHM and we are getting a cleaner specifically BECAUSE im pregnant and for the months following the birth.
Honestly your wife will not be able to clean to a reasonable standard when heavily pregnant and just after giving birth... dependant on how the labour goes that could last some time as well. I could barely stand for the first few months after giving birth let alone lift a hoover!!
Not to mention the lack of sleep will also effect you which if you are also back at work is not going to leave you very inclined to do loads of housework on your days off is it?

I mean if you really cant afford it then you cant afford it... but actually this is one of things I would prioritise if you do really like a clean home because it will help ALOT during that time.

MsGameandWatching · 06/04/2018 21:10

My first slept a lot. My second didn't. My SIL has three, two of hers slept a lot, one barely at all, she was beside herself over him. It's just silly to say "babies sleep a lot" because a lot of them don't.

Frouby · 06/04/2018 21:10

Sack the cleaner for sure. Give the.saving to your dw. She can spend it on a shit hot divorce solicitor when she realises what a complete knobber you are.

Moxiebelle · 06/04/2018 21:11

Abusive arse alert. I bet you start telling her what to do, how much she should have got done all day and how much she can spend of the money you have earned.

starlightmeteorite · 06/04/2018 21:11

Have you ever been in sole charge of a baby day in day out for months on end?

Didn't think so.

You have no idea.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 06/04/2018 21:11

It depends. If you're willing to take on the cleaning for a few months then yes, cancel the cleaner. If, however, you're expecting your DW to take this on in addition to a newborn you're extremely naïve. It massively depends on your baby and how she's feeling post-birth.

For us, I said no to DH's suggestion of a cleaner, thinking that since I'd be at home all day I should do it. Then DS was born via emergency c-section and promptly decided not to sleep more than 1 hour at a time for his first 6 months. I was DESTROYED with tiredness, I could barely manage to wash myself and cook dinner by the time DH arrived home. He completely understood - when he did the odd night with DS alone (I pumped and left the milk in the fridge) he was shattered. Eventually DH booked a cleaner and it was a fab decision - I felt supported and like he understood what I was going through. 💕

However, some babies are easier than others. I think if you make it crystal clear that you're not expecting her to do the extra and that you'll genuinely step up then YANBU. However, if you expect her to do it all YABVU.

fleetingthinker · 06/04/2018 21:12

I came to post but frouby has said it all!

mum11970 · 06/04/2018 21:12

Of course his wife will be able to clean to a reasonable standard when heavily pregnant or just after giving birth unless there are any complications we don’t know about. Millions of us can and do manage to live our whole lives without a cleaner and have multiple children.

Liara · 06/04/2018 21:13

She will be at home, with a baby. Babies sleep a LOT.

Do they? Neither of mine did for more than a 15 minute stretch for the first year, and then only if I was walking them around on a carrier or sitting holding them upright against my chest.

Not all babies are the same, and you never know what you're going to get.

Almostfifty · 06/04/2018 21:13

You know, it really shouldn't be that hard with just one baby. I got a cleaner when I was pregnant with my fourth, but managed to keep the house tidy and the other three and my DH clothed before that.

And before someone says it, I'm not saying people with disabled children or those with SN or colic etc can...

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/04/2018 21:13

Having worked as a cleaner, I'm getting a bit touchy about posters saying "fire her" "sack her". Surely you mean politely ask her to work her notice as you unfortunately don't require her services, thanks for all the hard work though.
#RespectTheCleaner

Original poster
dazedconfused81 · 06/04/2018 21:14

Silverbitchtree - I’m not sure what powers of inference you possess, but they seem to be malfunctioning slightly.

The question was about the cleaner, and the associated cost, period. Yes, I’m annoyed about not being able to share the maternity leave, but I didn’t want to press the issue and end up stressing my wife out.

As for the “threatening” part, that was very much tongue in cheek - I’m absolutely astounded how many people missed that and resorted to personal insults - sad.

To those that offered actual advice - thank you. As I thought, I’m not being unreasonable to expect us both to cut our cloth a bit, but I think I will delay the cessation of the cleaner for a month or two into mat leave.

OP posts:
PizzaPower · 06/04/2018 21:15

Wow ladies, the powers of presumption are strong here!!

Sorry to disappoint OP, having checked my boxers, there is still a penis in there and so you aren’t the only bloke on here.

Your first post sounded a genuine question to which you were getting some sensible answers many of which having been a parent I agreed with. Unless you cannot absolutely afford it keep the cleaner, look for cut backs elsewhere.

Your second post made you sound like an arse!

PoorYorick · 06/04/2018 21:15

Yes, of course I was joking!

You're cringingly unfunny.

FinallyHere · 06/04/2018 21:15

I'm sure you are planning to take over the cleaning, good on you.

MsGameandWatching · 06/04/2018 21:16

As for the actual point of this thread. I didn't have a cleaner, I had a shit head ex H that did precisely nothing around the house. I managed. What I am adressing is the tone of resentment from the OP. He appears to be addressing issues, in a rather bossy way, that haven't even arisen yet and he can have no clue how things are going to be until the baby arrives. He's trying to make a big change just before the biggest of all changes happens. The timing is just silly really and thoughtless. Wait till the baby is here and see how you get on. Your wife is not used to doing her own cleaning, whatever anyone on here thinks about that, she isn't. As a couple you decided that working full time meant you needed a cleaner. Certainly in the first few months of a newborn then she will be working more than full time, why would you want to add to that load?

Mightymucks · 06/04/2018 21:17

I agree with Joanna.

Granted there is a possibility that the baby will be very restless, but if that turn out not to be the case then really she should be able to keep up with the housework.

I do find it a bit odd, women have always breastfeed and always managed to continue looking after their homes at the same time. I’m not sure why suddenly in the last few years there’s become this attitude that BF is a full time job. And less well off women manage perfectly fine without a cleaner in the early months.

Plus, if you have more than one child you can’t simply opt out of doing anything but sit with your baby no matter how much they scream or cry. And as a mother of multiples who’s had 3 under 5 I hate to say it but when I hear mother’s of one singleton talk about how hard it is they need a cleaner etc I do feel a bit Hmm.

If there are other things that can be easily cut it’s nice to have. But if it is a necessary economy she should go.

fleetingthinker · 06/04/2018 21:17

She might not want to Mum and as we're not in the 1950, that's ok

but I think I will delay the cessation of the cleaner for a month or two into mat leave.

It's this state that makes you look like a knob. You are not the boss of her.

Prancingonthevalentine · 06/04/2018 21:17

Since you're not sharing the ML, why don't you offer to go part-time for the next year or so when she returns to work? That's what my dh did.

MsGameandWatching · 06/04/2018 21:18

but I think I will delay the cessation of the cleaner for a month or two into mat leave.

Interesting that it's I and not we there...

Sleeplikeasloth · 06/04/2018 21:19

Whether the cleaner is needed or not really depends on the temperament of your baby. Certainly for the first 6 months, until my baby was mobile, chores were fine, and I had so much more time for housework than before a baby, even though there was more to do. Now I have a mobile baby, its less easy, but there are still nap times, cleaning round baby etc. So with a reasonably easy baby, who regularly naps etc, I've found that my house is tidier than before baby, just from pottering in the day.

BUT

  • Your wife may have a difficult recovery
  • Your baby may be clingy and that might make life difficult (though most household jobs can be done with a sling easy enough tbh)
  • your standards might be higher than mine. I'm not overly tidy, and am pleased if the washing up is done, there's no laundry and the loo is cleaned regularly. Pottering bits are often easy enough to do with a baby but deep clean are not so easy.
  • you will need to do your fair share. The way we do it is the person at home does about 2/3rds of the basic jobs, and the person at work 1/3rd on working days, 50-50 at weekends.

I agree though that if money is tight, it's a luxury that may need to go for a while, but keep it under review depending on how your wife is, and what the baby is like.

I think she should be compromising with you on leave btw

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 06/04/2018 21:19

Wow. Within two posts from Op the second obviously joking about leave, posters pile in to say he's passive aggressive, she should run for the hills etc Shock

Op I'd suggest if you can manage to keep the cleaner for the first month or two then do that. However £1500 less a month would have an impact on most people, it's really not unreasonable to look at where you can cut back and having a cleaner isn't essential.

FWIW I think it's extremely selfish of a woman to insist on taking full leave where the child's father is able to take some too. We often talk about the mental load and women being responsible for all things child/house related, that could slowly change if fathers experienced being the primary career for their babies too.

windchimesabotage · 06/04/2018 21:19

this is one of those threads isnt it? where women whove had uncomplicated births and clam easy babies think that nothing else exists.
It is extremely common for babies to not sleep more than an hour at a time in the first months.... difficult labours leading to all manner of complications are extremely common sadly as well.
You dont always get any sign during a pregnancy that the labour is going to be difficult or leave lasting damage.
Many women spend the first months after labour barely able to wash and feed themselves let alone look after a house to the standard that a professional cleaner has been doing!

So please can people stop saying that the OP certainly wont need a cleaner. If he actually wants his house to be clean during his partners maternity leave then he very well may NEED a cleaner or he will need to know that his house will end up being an absolute shed for a fair amount of time.

And from what OP says it sounds like his partner very much would like a clean house and so worries about this.

Personally I would wait until after the birth to assess the situation with the cleaner. If the birth did go smoothly and the baby does turn out to be an 'easy' baby, then maybe you could look at getting rid of the cleaner?
I would not assume anything before hand however because you may find that you are both completely unable to cope with the extra work and the state of the house gets you both down.

g1itterati · 06/04/2018 21:20

OP - if you don't mind me saying, you do sound a little naive about the impact of a baby. Fair enough, I don't think anyone is ever fully prepared.

Your wife may need stitches after birth. She may need an emergency c-section. The baby could be jaundiced, have feeding problems, colic - all manner of things. Having a baby has a massive physical and psychological impact. If your wife breastfeeds, it can be every two hours minimum with a small baby - it's totally exhausting and absorbing and you don't have the energy for too much else.

There is no way you can shoo yourself back to work after two weeks, so I hope that was a flippant remark.

Anyway, I get that you're concerned about finances, but this is the time to be supporting your wife, not making her feel guilty for bringing your child into the world and sustaining his / her life!

If you're prepared to help out while she's feeding - then go for it and get rid of the cleaner, but don't make a song and dance about it.

I had 4 DC and my DH never put any pressure on me to return to work as he undetstsnds the reality of what children involve.

Good luck!