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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say we get rid of cleaner when maternity leave starts?

411 replies

dazedconfused81 · 06/04/2018 20:32

Man alert!! 😂 So my wife starts maternity leave soon and is adament she wants to take as long as possible off, so 12mths probably. (Which is another bone of contention, as I would have liked to take longer off work than the standard 2 weeks!)

Obviously I’m worried about the financial impact this will have, and we’ve discussed cutting back. One of the things I think we should get rid of is the cleaner, which currently costs us about £140/mth. She disagrees, saying we will need it more than ever.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 06/04/2018 21:20

I do find it a bit odd, women have always breastfeed and always managed to continue looking after their homes at the same time.

They had a reputation for being quietly hysterical, irrational, not knowing what was good for them and all the rest of it. Can you think why?

SilverBirchTree · 06/04/2018 21:21

Lol @ how he thinks only sees the people who agreed with him as offering advice.

So you’ve decided about the cleaner. Are you going to make all your household financial decisions unilaterally OP?

You asked a non-question on this forum. You have ignored any POV that doesn’t suit you.

Your poor wife.

MistressDeeCee · 06/04/2018 21:22

You asked for advice and got it - nobody was rude to you yet here you are now trying to police womens' tone.

If you say you want to get rid of cleaner then of course people are going query you sharing the housework. Carrying a baby for 9 months is bloody tiring and once baby is born your wife will be shattered for a good while. You'll both have to be up in the night too. So housework Iis he least of it at that time.

I guess you'll have to wait until your wife's pregnancy is more advanced + when baby arrives to know the real deal, won't you? If you've not got a cleaner then - you'll wish you had.

Sleeplikeasloth · 06/04/2018 21:22

If you have a cleaner just for a few months don't do it when the baby is tiny, but when they can crawl at you, take things out of cupboards etc. Imo, it would be wasted with a newborn.

PoorYorick · 06/04/2018 21:23

It took me the best part of a year to recover from my labour, plus PND. I have never been so exhausted or so low. I was a suicide risk at the worst point. I forced myself to eat and drink to maintain my milk supply but I got no joy and was frequently dehydrated. Once I was so exhausted I fell down the stairs with the baby in my arms.

If my husband had whinged about the housework, or indeed anyone else had told me how in 1950 women were sailing through this (NO THEY WEREN'T, STOP GETTING YOUR HISTORY LESSONS FROM GRACE KELLY FILMS), I would no longer be married.

Luckily my husband is an actual man.

melissasummerfield · 06/04/2018 21:24

I ageee with most pp that the OP comes across like an arse, however I don’t think a cleaner is an essential cost when you are losing an income.

I had a 15mo old and then a newborn that had chronic colic / gastric problems till he was one and basically screamed for 12 months, but we managed without a cleaner!

MsGameandWatching · 06/04/2018 21:24

They had a reputation for being quietly hysterical, irrational, not knowing what was good for them and all the rest of it. Can you think why?

Yes many prescribed tranquillisers too as I recall - "Mothers Little Helper".

SoyDora · 06/04/2018 21:24

I do find it a bit odd, women have always breastfeed and always managed to continue looking after their homes at the same time

Or what is probably more accurate is that some women have managed to look after their homes at the same time, some have struggled but have kept their house vaguely clean, some have taken a while to recover from the birth or developed PND and got very little cleaning done at all,some have had help (paid or otherwise), some have had Velcro babies...
Just like today.

TheImprobableGirl · 06/04/2018 21:24

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties I didn't feel the need to sugarcoat Grin
No I never went to Antenatal classes, maybe I should've - I'm 10 weeks with no3, I fear that I have no sanity.

As for the subject of the cleaner... Maybe try a holiday for a week, or going part time before the baby is here - then if your house is unexpectedly filthy you will know that you can't cut back there!

PoorYorick · 06/04/2018 21:25

Who wants to bet that OP will not do any night wakings at any point because the wife's on maternity leave and postnatal women don't need sleep?

RandomWordsStuckTogether · 06/04/2018 21:25

When a woman does on maternity leave, she doesn’t stop work for a year, she essentially gets a new job. One from which there is no time off.

That job is to provide 24/7 childcare to your child. Which means that the responsibility for the housework falls to both of you equally.

RandomWordsStuckTogether · 06/04/2018 21:26

*goes

MinesABabyGuiness · 06/04/2018 21:26

Whilst of course it would be nice to keep the cleaner (I wish I had one when dc were small) if financially it doesn't work that you can afford it then of course it should go!

How important is it to your wife though? And is there anything else you could cut back on instead?

I don't think your wife should divorce you over it like some posters

hairycoo · 06/04/2018 21:28

*I really can't believe some of the responses on this thread. A cleaner is not essential. Everyone I know has managed to have a baby and still clean the house. Fair enough you can't expect to live in a show home but I think you know that op.

€1500 a month is alot of money to be down, I don't know why so many of you are refusing to acknowledge that.

YANBU op. Going from 2 wages to 1 requires sacrifice. Most of us who have had kids have had to give up some things. You cut your cloth...

As for the paternity leave, she's being very selfish to want it all. She could at least give you a month.* this really. Having a cleaner is a luxury, and one that most people cant afford. So countless other new mothers have to clean their house (with or without help from their dp) and look after their baby. In some countries the mum even has to do this on top of going back to work after 2-3 weeks. OP has said they are looking at £1500 less a month so things have to be cut back. In the real world the cleaner would be the first to go.

iMatter · 06/04/2018 21:28

You've decided?

How very noble of you.

Don't forget to give her "housekeeping" as well

stayathomer · 06/04/2018 21:29

YANBU You're trying to save money! For all the people above who are uppity over it, it's because they think you're implying your wife will now have time to clean because you're implying women on maternity have nothing better to do. I'm sure (I assume/ I hope!) this is not the case. A cleaner is a luxury. Just be diplomatic in discussions about it!

BerylStreep · 06/04/2018 21:30

I'm getting the impression that the OP will expect his wife to do all the night feeds, even on the weekends, because she is the one on maternity leave. I expect he will probably also be the sort to come in from work and flop down because he has had an exhausting day, you know, at work.

OP, honestly, you're not coming across well. I'm putting some of that down to unrealistic expectations of maternity leave because you and your wife haven't experienced it yet, but honestly the 12 months after a baby is really, really hard work for everyone. Put post birth injuries, hormones, breast feeding, fussy non-sleeping babies, possible PND into the mix and it really isn't a holiday camp.

I would keep the cleaner for as long as possible if you can both afford it. There is so much more to be done on top of that even beyond caring for the needs of a tiny baby who is totally dependant on you - laundry, shopping, cooking, sobbing into cups of cold tea. I know lots of people see it as a luxury, but having a cleaner once a week could really make a difference to your wife's mental health.

Original poster
dazedconfused81 · 06/04/2018 21:30

fleetingthinker and msgameandwatching...

Since you both rather pedantically picked up on my use of “I” rather than “we”, the “I” in this statement was in reference to myself as it was I doing the thinking. I don’t think for my wife, nor do I (despite what you may think) dictate nor tell her what she can/can’t do. My statement meant that I would leave it for a month or two before bringing up the topic of stopping the cleaning service.

Is everyone treated with such hostility here? Thankfully, it seems to be from a minority of users

OP posts:
NoCureForLove · 06/04/2018 21:30

The cost is 140 a month - not a week.
Your idea of joking needs some work op.

mum11970 · 06/04/2018 21:30

Fleetin she may not want to, but that’s completely different than not being able to. It also has nothing to do with being in the 1950s and all to do with their finances. Sometimes you can’t have what you want and have to settle for what you can afford.

NoCureForLove · 06/04/2018 21:31

Not everyone op...

Mumofkids · 06/04/2018 21:31

After the next 1 she'll go back to work after 2 weeks and you'll go back after 9 months 🤦🏻‍♀️ After my second I don't think I achieved getting dressed and leaving the house in the first 2 weeks and walking and sitting could still be challenging!!!
If you can't afford the cleaner, cancel her. However if you can I'm sure you will both really appreciate it. It's the only time some of my friends have had a cleaner.
I've never had one. I would love one but would be scared of the cleaning I'd have to do before she came! My h and I share a lot of the chores and cleaning but it's undeniably hard with a small demanding baby.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 06/04/2018 21:32

I think I will delay the cessation of the cleaner for a month or two into mat leave

You will, will you. Fair enough if you want to do 100% of the housework.

There really isn’t any need to worry about paternity leave for the next one, the chances of you getting near your wife again will make it an immaculate conception.

Littlemissdaredevil · 06/04/2018 21:32

Maternity leave is not a holiday or a ‘year off work’. Maternity leave was originally provided to allow a women time to recover from the birth. There was no way I could have gone back to work after two weeks as I could barely walk.

I did fantasise about going back to work as I could actually have a hot drink during the day (and drink it whilst it was hot), go to the toilet in peace (and not waiting until I was desperate and or holding a screaming baby whilst on the toilet) have adult interaction, and a lunch break!

Motherd · 06/04/2018 21:33

My partner is taking 2 weeks holiday ontop of his 2 weeks paternity leave so he will have a month with us when the baby is born, would that maybe be something you could do? Also I can see both sides with the cleaner. We used to have one but don't anymoreSmile