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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to say we get rid of cleaner when maternity leave starts?

411 replies

dazedconfused81 · 06/04/2018 20:32

Man alert!! 😂 So my wife starts maternity leave soon and is adament she wants to take as long as possible off, so 12mths probably. (Which is another bone of contention, as I would have liked to take longer off work than the standard 2 weeks!)

Obviously I’m worried about the financial impact this will have, and we’ve discussed cutting back. One of the things I think we should get rid of is the cleaner, which currently costs us about £140/mth. She disagrees, saying we will need it more than ever.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
MsGameandWatching · 07/04/2018 13:22

With OP's DW taking a year's maternity leave (a relatively new concept, to remind everyone)

So?

PoorYorick · 07/04/2018 14:18

Read OP's latest update. I'm absolutely convinced he is currently in a dungeon somewhere squealing while Miss Whiplash belts his arse.

I don't know why, he just comes across that way. He's obviously trying to wind everyone up with that parting 'shot' (more like a parting dribble...I was hoping for something more powerful but I doubt I'm the first woman he's disappointed) but I don't think he was trolling before. He lacks the self awareness and he was clearly unprepared for the response he got. I think he's just got some thing going on whereby he really, really needs to put himself in female spaces, say utterly stupid things, get his bum handed to him and then whinge about misandry. I've met these schmucks, they have a certain air.

It would explain all the whinging to his wife anyway.

parklives · 07/04/2018 14:32

ODFO op you been told you are being an arse by the majority of people on here....but instead of being gracious and accepting the opinions of those you have canvassed, you resort to insults.
Who's being the clique here?

BerylStreep · 07/04/2018 15:08

There are just too many unknown variables for anyone to make an informed comment about OP's situation, so the posters on the thread can only guess at the situation and use their own experience to inform their views.

For example:

Is the loss of DW's income going to stretch the household budget to breaking point or is it just a dip in the overall finances?
How much disposable income is there in the family finances? Does paying for a cleaner mean cutting back on food, or a holiday to Florida? Is the consideration of cutting back on the cleaner because it is genuinely going to stretch finances to breaking point, or is it because the OP thinks his DW will be lazing about the house anyway, and she should therefore be doing it? (and tbh, that was how I interpreted the tone of the first post)
Are there other 'luxuries' that are also being considered as part of the adjustment in finances? Phones on contract, holidays, gym membership, expensive hobbies?
What savings are there to cover for this scenario?
What are both attitudes to cleanliness and tidiness of the home? Is it a big deal if floors aren't mopped or hoovered? (personally I have quite a low tolerance for chaos, so would find it quite challenging not to have the place clean & tidy)
How much does OP already contribute to cleaning and running of the house, and how much does he intend to do after his DW gives birth (and not just in the first few weeks)?
OP and his DW can't even know what sort of temperament and needs their baby is going to have. Similarly, there are a lot of unknowns around how the DW is going to cope physically and emotionally following the birth.

And OP, I honestly don't see the replies and opinions on here being evidence that misandry is alive and well amongst a bunch of feminazis. Your posts do show a certain attitude towards your DW and posters who have taken the time to reply. I don't have time to cut & paste everything, but a few examples, along with my thoughts:

Wow ladies, the powers of presumption are strong here!! - honestly, referring to a group of posters as ladies is patronising. As I've said above, posters can only reply on the basis of the information which is provided and their own experiences. Comments about the powers of presumption just make you sound sarcastic.

so I don’t need a lecture please 😊 - people weren't lecturing, they were providing opinions, which you asked for. Just because they were opinions that you don't agree with, doesn't make it lecturing - but it does give a very clear message about your attitude towards others if they hold a different viewpoint.

Yes, I had considered keeping the cleaner for the first month or two, to at least give her a fighting chance of recovering from childbirth - this statement makes it look as if you believe that this decision is entirely yours to make. This may not be the case, as you stated later, but I know I certainly picked up on it when I read this statement. Your comment about 'giving your wife a fighting chance to recover' also sounds patronising, and again reinforces the impression that this is a favour you are bestowing on her.

Since you both rather pedantically picked up on my use of “I” rather than “we”, the “I” in this statement was in reference to myself as it was I doing the thinking. as above, I don't think it was pedantic of posters to point out your statement. A person's use of language belies their fundamental attitudes and beliefs.

But I’ve threatened that with the next baby, she can go back after 2 weeks and i’ll have the 9mths paternity. I know you said this was a joke, but a lot of truth around attitudes are conveyed in 'jokes'. This suggests that you think maternity leave is a piece of piss with your DW lazing about doing nothing, or at least having the capacity to do what the cleaners is currently doing.

Silverbitchtree - I’m not sure what powers of inference you possess, but they seem to be malfunctioning slightly. Again this just reads as sarcastically having a go at posters who hold different opinions to you.

I think I will delay the cessation of the cleaner for a month or two into mat leave. That old 'I' chestnut again.

Ok, to put some of the harmful misconceptions and presumptions to bed As I've already mentioned above, without full information people can only respond on the information which is there and their own experiences. It doesn't make them misconceptions, and they certainly aren't harmful. I'm not sure why you chose to characterise people's comments in that way. Adding another 2 children into the mix late into the thread is a bit of a massive drip feed.

There seems to be an immense amount of hatred towards men in general, principally due to bitterness regarding biology and the fact men don’t have to carry young, or so it seems. This, coupled with a lack of sense of humour, means that you come across as a bunch of jumped up, judgemental bigots, who only serve to give genuine feminists a bad name. Where do I start?

I'm not pointing these out to have a go at you OP, but you seem to genuinely not understand why you may have got some of the responses you have, resulting in you calling posters on this thread a 'bunch of jumped up, judgemental bigots'. If it suits your internal narrative to think that you are getting a hard time because you are a man then I very much doubt that anyone will be able to change that. However I have seen a great many threads where male posters have been provided with support and good advice, so I'm not sure I agree with your viewpoint.

Whatever you and your DW decide to do as a family, I hope you all have good luck with the baby. When is it due?

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/04/2018 15:34

Wow that last post. Pheweeee. And there was me trying to be constructive.

Prettylovely · 07/04/2018 16:06

Which ever way you look at it having a cleaner isn't a necessity most people cope fine without one, If you can't afford it you can't afford it.

Makingworkwork · 07/04/2018 16:13

I have not read any replies past the first page.

DH and I worked over 60 hours a week and had a cleaner before your baby. We needed/ need our amazing cleaner so much more after a baby.

I had an EMCS with complications and I was very ill afterwards. With a standard c section you can’t hoover for at least 3 months although the midwife hold DH that I could not hoover until DD was 16. Jokes aside, I could not get in and out of bed without help for the first two weeks, normal jobs around the house like loading the washing machine were out of bounds to me for weeks. Babies and toddlers at home create a lot more mess than two adults out at work all day.

BerylStreep · 07/04/2018 16:25

Mummyoflittledragon too much?

BerylStreep · 07/04/2018 16:25
Grin
CreamEggEnthusiast · 07/04/2018 16:31

If you need to cut back then yes cancel the cleaner. Its a luxury not a necessity but you will have to lower your standards with regards to housework, or do it yourself!

Twounder1 · 07/04/2018 16:37

I've got two kids. My first is now 1 and my son is 5 days old.

My house is spotless despite my lack of sleep and my dp doesn't really help with housework either..
No one really needs a cleaner. I see that as a luxury. But then again, if I could afford one, I wouldn't have one. I hate people messing in my home.

peachgreen · 07/04/2018 16:38

With a standard c section you can’t hoover for at least 3 months

Where did you hear that? (Not goady, interested - I had a c-section 2 months ago which included an emergency cystectomy, an extension of the excision, massive blood loss and several bouts of unconsciousness amongst other things but I wasn't given this advice and have hoovered quite a lot since I got home! Shock)

BerylStreep · 07/04/2018 17:17

Twounder1 It's great that you are managing well, and congrats on the new baby.

Jenna43 · 07/04/2018 17:23

With a standard c section you can’t hoover for at least 3 months

I think I held back on the hoovering for a week when I had my c-section.

Sleeplikeasloth · 07/04/2018 17:25

With a standard c section you can’t hoover for at least 3 months

Lol, come off it. If it goes well many women are back to normal within a few weeks.

Figgygal · 07/04/2018 17:32

No hoovering for 3 months???
What bollocks

Katara · 07/04/2018 18:15

Twounder congratulations on the new baby. You are you, all people react and manage differently. I cannot imagine your post is going to make someone who is exhausted and struggling feel better, though. A bit of compassion goes a long way.

Katara · 07/04/2018 18:17

And now I have read the OP’s last post, what is a ‘genuine feminist’?

Twounder1 · 07/04/2018 18:35

Thank you Beryl, I actually wish I didn't mind the help but for me it's worse than actually doing the housework 😂

C0untDucku1a · 07/04/2018 18:51

After the op i was going to say get rid of the cleaner, but ensure you do all the cleaning. My husband did the majority of the cleaning when i was on mat leave, i was in charge of tidying, and he makes 98% of evening meals still. During mat leave i was in charge of clothes washing, which included reusable nappies, and breastfeeding. He was also in charge of the babies from 9pm until the first nighttime feed so i could get couple of hours sleep. I was in charge of feeding the babies through the night, and husband was in charge of winding and resettling. I had a cleaner up until Mat leave then husband took over. Also, my mum would visit with her cleaning bucket and do the kitchen and bathroom. So i guess technically i did have a cleaner, but i didnt pay.

So id say you need to think about, realistically and honestly, how much cleaning do you actually do in a week?

I think you should start by making a list of the jobs the cleaner does atm. Make sure you include everything, like Changing beds, windows / mirrors, skirting boards, bath, etc. Then make a list of what your wife does now, then what you do weekly now. that way
you
can objectivdly look and make the decision on whether you, as a father of three, will be able to
pick up the tasks of the cleaner.

PoorYorick · 07/04/2018 20:17

When my (only) baby was a newborn, I was a bleeding, sobbing, leaking, stitched up, pain-riddled, sleep deprived, postnatally depressed mess. The house was fine but that was only because I had both mums round, plus my husband, who knows how to be a man. (Seriously, the guy can fire juggle, rock climb, sexually dominate AND use a hoover. It's incredible.)

I'm just saying that because I know full well I wasn't the only one and I want other struggling, recovering, mentally ill new mums to know they're not alone and a messy house when you're postnatal is not a sign of failure in life. Though marrying a guy like the OP might be.

MistressDeeCee · 07/04/2018 21:23

The crave for female attention is just so strong in some. Hence the footstamping as the replies from women aren't deferential enough.

If he's this much time on his hands to ponce about in a forum when his wife's due to give birth soon, then I reckon he's loads of hours spare to get the arse off the chair and get on with housework.

Oh wait..he didn't ever say yes he was going to help, did he.. ?

londonmummy1966 · 07/04/2018 21:35

I just find OP so disingenuous. First he says that he wants to cancel the cleaner as it's too expensive whilst wife is off on ML. At the same time he says that he wanted to do some of the ML and resents the fact that his DW wants to take the full 12 months. Then in a later post he says that the reason he is worried about money is because she is taking 12 months off. Somewhere something does not compute................

I smell a misogynist rat who wants to have his Cake and eat it - hey OP have my first Biscuit instead.

ihatetosay · 07/04/2018 21:44

get rid of the cleaner money can be spent or saved on better more worthwhile things. Your wife will be home all day if you both do night feeds she should do the cleaning and you do it weekends

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 07/04/2018 21:51

..."if you both do night feeds"

That'll be a good trick if she breastfeeds.

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