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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say we get rid of cleaner when maternity leave starts?

411 replies

dazedconfused81 · 06/04/2018 20:32

Man alert!! 😂 So my wife starts maternity leave soon and is adament she wants to take as long as possible off, so 12mths probably. (Which is another bone of contention, as I would have liked to take longer off work than the standard 2 weeks!)

Obviously I’m worried about the financial impact this will have, and we’ve discussed cutting back. One of the things I think we should get rid of is the cleaner, which currently costs us about £140/mth. She disagrees, saying we will need it more than ever.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 07/04/2018 04:10

StickThat
But if the ops child is in care for 30 hours a week, that’s already a lot of time for ops dw to be alone with the baby. And will it be beneficial for the 3 yo to spend time at home with mum and bonding with baby instead of full time at nursery seeing as mum is home? Given the choice, I’d also drop the nursery hours before the cleaning. If ops dw does this, cleaning with 2 in tow will be harder.

Op if your dw is thinking about dropping the cleaner, I’d wait a good long while. I’ve been told by parents with more than 2 kids is that going from 2 to 3 is apparently pretty exponential.

Secondly, you’re already complaining you’ll not be spending the amount of time you want with your baby/children. Why would you compound this by having to spend time apart from them cleaning once you return home from work?

Imo you should try to find other solutions. Eg reducing money spent on leisure activities, better budgeting on food, cutting back on tv of phone subscriptions etc.

Speedy85 · 07/04/2018 04:40

OP I think you genuinely need to have look up what humourous means before attempting any further jokes. Whilst I didn't take your comments seriously, I don't think that you have said anything that is actually funny and it's a bit sad if you think that you are in any way witty.

You're getting a hostile response on here because you come off very badly in your posts, including the patronising 'ladies' and the comments about 'being lectured' in response to people just answering your question. I could go on.

I just feel sorry for your wife tbh.

HeadingForSunshine · 07/04/2018 07:32

Best thing my mother ever said in my defence:

MIL "will you stop having the cleaner when the baby comes? I expected you to when you got married"

Ma "We weren't brought up to clean"

Happily neither was DH so he had no problem keeping the cleaner as he was never going to do his share.

Pengggwn · 07/04/2018 07:40

I find the way you are talking about getting rid of the cleaner as if it is your decision only, very unattractive.

Pengggwn · 07/04/2018 07:42

I love how people are talking about how babies sleep a lot and therefore the DW should be able to keep the house clean. When the hell is she meant to sleep, eat, dress herself, drink a cup of tea, get out of the house for a walk? Sod the cleaning for a bit. My DD did sleep a lot - on me, wanting breastfeeding every half an hour for about 4 months. It was horrific.

cindersrella · 07/04/2018 07:43

If you were to get rid of the cleaner does that mean you will start doing the cleaning 😂😂

Wishfulmakeupping · 07/04/2018 07:45

Can’t you just reduce the cleaners hours?

0hCrepe · 07/04/2018 07:53

I absolutely love having a cleaner and she’s worth every penny. I’d definitely keep them if possible - it’s a load off with a new baby plus 2 older children.

cindersrella · 07/04/2018 07:54

*If it helps, she is sitting beside me right now and is equally appalled (but less surprised) at some of the attitudes and insults
*
Welcome to mumsnet!

As soon as I saw what you were asking, I smiled to myself and thought you don't know what you have just let yourself in for off some people on here.

0hCrepe · 07/04/2018 07:57

And sorry but I believe it’s your wife’s decision as she will be the one at home.

cindersrella · 07/04/2018 07:59

Pen neither of my daughters really slept. I couldn't get nothing done, my husband used to come home and help me...

0hCrepe · 07/04/2018 08:09

Also irritated by the I statements and your ‘jokes’. Does your wife not understand finances and budgeting? How can you say you can’t afford it but she obviously thinks you can?

elizastarbeth · 07/04/2018 08:12

@dazedconfused81 I feel sorry for the amount of backlash that you're getting here! I think that you're asking a reasonable question, and if you were a woman you'd be getting reasonable answers! We've been through our finances considering a reduced income (and increased costs) for the first year, and it's completely sensible to consider what sacrifices you can make.

I'm pregnant with our first, and I'm going to other way - I would probably consider taking a cleaner when we don't currently have one! Even just with pregnancy tiredness (which extends to DH too as I'm waking him up during the night), I've noticed the housework has started to suffer already. Can't imagine what that'll be like with a newborn!

I feel for you with the shared parental leave - I think every man should get the chance to take it. My DH wouldn't be allowed to take it by his work and I'm really sad that he won't get as much as a chance to enjoy spending time with his first DC. Maybe with your second, she'll feel differently. (And contrary to popular belief, based on the couple of posts you've put up, you sound like a caring and reasonable husband).

StarkintheSouth · 07/04/2018 08:17

If you don’t mind accepting that the house will probably not be its usual cleanness & you’re not expecting your wife to deliver that level of cleanliness at all then get rid. If you can afford, I’d keep.

toasterstrudle · 07/04/2018 08:17

This is irritating. OP you're getting very defensive and posting crying laughing emojis all over the place, but people are getting irate because you displayed such casual ignorance with your expectations of a new mother that people assumed it was your first rodeo.

If she's breastfeeding, expect her to be tied to the couch for hours on end for the first 8 weeks as feeding establishes. I got nothing much else done, DH and I shared housework and cooking when he was home as one of us could hold or settle the refluxy baby. You may be lucky and have a good sleeper. But with having two children already and being used to the cleaner I'd really recommend keeping them on for the first two months, even if you cut back the number of sessions.

As regards shared parental leave, it's a tricky one. It has to be what benefits the family best. I think it's great that it's an option. BUT I think ultimately the mother should have greater say in it and should get to choose. I say this because 9 months of pregnancy is not fun. Childbirth is generally awful. Establishing breastfeeding is really tough. Many men seem to think the woman should take the first bit, then they get to have time with the baby at the end. Which is fine, but that's generally when the baby is finally in a bit of a routine, sleeping better, eating better, going out and about. The latter states of maternity leave are the most enjoyable and easiest in my opinion. Not least because you're more rested and your nipples are no longer working 24/7. Your body has also generally recovered by then. The last few months are almost the reward for the hard work at the beginning. If a mother wants to return to work, brilliant that the father can then be off! But otherwise I don't really think it's fair, even though it is a shame for dads.

Babyplaymat · 07/04/2018 08:18

Read the thread, this is #3.

Somerville · 07/04/2018 08:19

(How do people reply with a quote from previous poster? Some of the comments I’m replying to would make more sense if they had a quote)

You need to be taught how to cut and paste? Confused
If you're always that useless then no wonder your wife is desperate to hang on to the cleaner.

Pengggwn · 07/04/2018 08:23

I won't be sharing parental leave in anything like the same proportions again. I did what I thought was fair to my partner (went back to work when DD was 4 months and he had 4 months, then I went back to work part time) but it was exhausting. Baby still wanted breastfeeding, I was pumping, she wanted me in the night. Never again!

frutti · 07/04/2018 08:33

Maybe your wife might bed to go back to work and you’ll be having second thoughts once babies here.
I’d keep the cleaner if you can afford it but that’s because both of you will benefit from a clean home. I just gave up on cleaning. Dd has reflux and not only did I not get time to clean, she just mucked everywhere up constantly sicking up everywhere so I was constantly scrubbing carpets and blankets etc with a lot less time to clean bathrooms.
You do come across as presumptuous tbh. You need to see what type of baby you have before you assume shared parental leave will work.

Our dd refused outright to take a bottle after being breastfed, for 7 months!! I was so desperate to go back to work I just did it one day, I left for work and literally ran away from the house of horrors reflux baby. We then finally realised (with help from doctors) she was dairy intolerant and was advised to continue breastfeeding.
I would have thrown my dd at my husband and gone back to work full time but it was impractical.
Your wife however is being unreasonable to not be open to discussion about it.

Ghanagirl · 07/04/2018 09:12

I won't be sharing parental leave in anything like the same proportions again. I did what I thought was fair to my partner (went back to work when DD was 4 months and he had 4 months, then I went back to work part time) but it was exhausting. Baby still wanted breastfeeding, I was pumping, she wanted me in the night. Never again!
^^
Shared maternity leave only works if you’re willing to stop breastfeeding or express through out evenings, honestly don’t think it’s something a lot of Mother’s want to do

NameChange30 · 07/04/2018 09:22

YY that’s why I suggested that 9-3 would be a reasonable division. I breastfed and went back to work at 9 months which was my choice (not because DH was insisting on sharing some of the leave) and it was quite hard but doable, depends how good a sleeper you have and if you’re able and willing to express at work.

ChaosAndPiss · 07/04/2018 09:24

Drip. Drip. Drip.

You sound like a dick.

userabcname · 07/04/2018 09:40

With 3 kids including a newborn I would definitely keep the cleaner! We have kept our cleaner while I'm on mat leave. Can you cut costs elsewhere? Both our phone contracts came to an end so we went PAYG and kept old handsets, we do a lot more food shopping in Lidl, we went down to one car from two...apologies if you do all this already, just some ideas!

Original poster
dazedconfused81 · 07/04/2018 09:41

Ah, waking up to get more personal insults - refreshing! (and also water off a duck’s back). 😂😂

Once again, I will express sincere thanks to those who offered genuine advice regarding he question I asked on behalf of my wife and I.

To the others, some of the attitudes on here are astounding. There seems to be an immense amount of hatred towards men in general, principally due to bitterness regarding biology and the fact men don’t have to carry young, or so it seems. This, coupled with a lack of sense of humour, means that you come across as a bunch of jumped up, judgemental bigots, who only serve to give genuine feminists a bad name.

Good day to you all. 😂😂

OP posts:
cindersrella · 07/04/2018 09:43

Get ready for it again...

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