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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say we get rid of cleaner when maternity leave starts?

411 replies

dazedconfused81 · 06/04/2018 20:32

Man alert!! 😂 So my wife starts maternity leave soon and is adament she wants to take as long as possible off, so 12mths probably. (Which is another bone of contention, as I would have liked to take longer off work than the standard 2 weeks!)

Obviously I’m worried about the financial impact this will have, and we’ve discussed cutting back. One of the things I think we should get rid of is the cleaner, which currently costs us about £140/mth. She disagrees, saying we will need it more than ever.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Flutterbyeee · 07/04/2018 10:31

Yes...maybe your butler can handle it on your behalf.

Pikehau · 07/04/2018 10:31

I got a cleaner when i went on mat leave.

I guess if u r happy to do the cleaning (everything) for the first few months until she finds her feet then sure get rid of cleaner.

I could maybe have managed a bit of cleaning with my first after 6 ish months but not much more!

Phineyj · 07/04/2018 10:31

It's not martyrdom to refuse to do what you know well your partner wouldn't do if you didn't do it!

I have never, ever, come home when DH has had a day off to find he has spontaneously done house cleaning. Car or bike maintenance, yes. Cleaning, no. At some level he simply doesn't see it as his job.

Pikehau · 07/04/2018 10:32

Oh and now on mat leave with dc3.... taking full 12 months and now I don’t even tidy some days before dh is home.... kids are alive fed loved and have had fun.... he can help me with the tidy and clean when they are in bed!

MsGameandWatching · 07/04/2018 10:34

When you are cutting back for a household, everyone should get a say on how the available money is spent as time also = money. You don't get to save 'your' money by spending someone else's time.

This is a very good way of putting it.

trixymalixy · 07/04/2018 10:34

I would wait and see. I ended up getting a cleaner for the first time when I was on maternity leave as I was sinking into post natal depression.

PancakeBum · 07/04/2018 10:36

Figgygal

I think you've misunderstood the meaning of the word martyr.

Onecutefox · 07/04/2018 10:39

Anotheremma, I have a good sense of humour but his jokes are dickish.

Pikehau · 07/04/2018 10:40

and I sent ds to nursery when dd was a baby and again dd is at nursery now ds2 is here. (Ds1 at school)

Nursery is great for mums and kids with babies. Mine are still with me more but dd who is 3.5 still asks when she will go to nursery again.

I think you keep both or decide that cleaning once a fortnight with the cleaner and you doing a good once a week clean.

Your wife should not do everything or be expected to do anything beyond care for her children. Clearly squirting bleach down loo / cooking/ washing clothes/ putting clothes away / sweeping up the constant crumbs also is included but that sometimes takes me a full day without a 3 year old!!!

Gwenhwyfar · 07/04/2018 10:42

"women have always breastfeed and always managed to continue looking after their homes at the same time. I’m not sure why suddenly in the last few years there’s become this attitude that BF is a full time job."

That's an old idea though isn't it? The wet nurse had a full time job.

"And less well off women manage perfectly fine without a cleaner in the early months."

Breast feeding rates decline as you go down the income scale.

dragonwarrior · 07/04/2018 10:44

Nobody will ever take my cleaner away from me! I miss her dearly when she is on holiday..... however you do have time when you are on ML a although people will tell you otherwise

Mxyzptlk · 07/04/2018 10:47

I wish I had had a cleaner when my babies were young. The house was a tip!

NameChange30 · 07/04/2018 10:51

@Onecutefox
Unfortunately you misinterpreted my post, I was being sarcastic!

Mxyzptlk · 07/04/2018 10:54

Wtf those of you that had babies that slept 20 mins / 15 mins at a time. confused

That must be bloody rare, right? All the small babies (6 months or less) I’ve ever seen have been conked out at least half of the time.

When my DS went to sleep, I'd throw myself on the bed and immediately conk out for 15 mins, unless he woke me up before that of course.
I always woke up after 15 mins and if he was still asleep I'd know I had an hour or two (not more) to rush and eat / wash nappies / wash his clothes / wash our clothes / just sleep again.
It sometimes happened that he'd drop off in my arms and then suddenly screw up his face and start howling. Colic!!
Not my imagination, not my inexperience, not him being a 'bad baby'. It happens.

bastardkitty · 07/04/2018 10:58

I just popped in to say I think it's incredible that someone has had sex with the OP at least 3 times....

WeAllHaveWings · 07/04/2018 11:03

If money is going to be tight then the cleaner and the full 12 months maternity leave is a luxury many also cant afford, sounds like you and you dw are at different places with this though.

Have you sat down and went through all the figures to work out what you can afford and come to a compromise of what you both want?

Maybe reducing or stopping the cleaner will allow for another x months maternity or more paternity leave, or keeping the cleaner means going back to work x months earlier, agree who does what housework/chores/taking out older dc, dropping hobbies for a while etc when the new baby is here. You should be a team recognising each others physical/mental/financial needs, constraints and wants (in that order) and neither of you should be dictating these things to the other.

IntoTheFloodAgain · 07/04/2018 11:10

If you managed without a cleaner before, and you will struggle to afford it now then I don’t think its fair to keep paying for one. Especially considering how much £ you’ll be losing a month.

Mxyzptlk · 07/04/2018 11:20

There seems to be an immense amount of hatred towards men in general, principally due to bitterness regarding biology and the fact men don’t have to carry young, or so it seems.

You're right. It's a fact that the biology of this is different for men and women.
You're wrong that it inspires hatred of men, only hatred for a dismissive attitude from anyone (man or woman).

I just checked back to your OP. Your first paragraph sounds adversarial towards your wife, not as if you and she are a team trying to work out the best way forward.
That is what has set the tone of this thread, not weird attitudes of posters.

Btw, drip-feeding is heartily disliked on MN, and that's what you were doing by not mentioning your two other DC.
Their needs will make a big difference to how your wife will cope after baby is born.

caffeinefreebutsadaboutit · 07/04/2018 11:34

Since you talked off not wanting to stress your wife out by bringing it up again, I very much doubt she was sitting next to you while you posted.

Your posts about your wife and other posters on here are very passive aggressive and patronising. I feel sorry for your wife.

Idontdowindows · 07/04/2018 12:37

your wife should share the maternity leave you're just as much of a parent - regardless of wether you birthed the child or no

No man on this planet has spent 9 months building a baby entirely out of his own energy and resources. Maternity leave is designed to help the mother recover from this enormous drain on her energy and resources, to enable her to care for her baby, and to help her to regain her energy and recover some of those resources.

That baby wasn't built out of thin air. The father contributed half a cell to that baby and nothing else, so why he thinks he's entitled to anything at all is beyond me.

RedSkyAtNight · 07/04/2018 12:50

This thread is bonkers. OP, I think asking on MN was a bad idea.

In the real world in which I live, I know hardly anyone with a cleaner. OP's house might not be as clean as usual if they stop their cleaner, but the world will really not end in the way that some on here seem to be suggesting.

Also, people seem to have actually missed the point. With OP's DW taking a year's maternity leave (a relatively new concept, to remind everyone) the family is stretched financially. TBH I think OP's question would have been better framed as "we need to save money during maternity leave. Would it be better to cancel the cleaner, stop the DC's extra curricular activities, not have a holiday/any break at all or ...." Because that's essentially the question isn't it? Not whether or not it's possible to survive without a cleaner (hint - it really is!) but whether losing a cleaner is more palatable than whatever other saving would have to be made. I'd include in here the option of taking a shorter maternity leave for OP's DW. (and unlike others on this thread, I don't think suggesting this would make him an awful husband who doesn't understand how hard childbirth and looking after a baby is - just a normal practical one making a practical decision, like most of us have to!).

Jenna43 · 07/04/2018 13:00

This thread is bonkers. OP, I think asking on MN was a bad idea

Agreed, and especially on AIBU but oh so predictable. Every time a man posts, he's torn to shreds.

Chocolaterainbows · 07/04/2018 13:05

Meanwhile, in the real world, most women don't have cleaners.

I had an emergency c-section with my first child, husband self employed, was back to work within a couple of days. I still managed to keep my home clean and tidy, do the washing etc. I just prioritised what needed doing. When my husband came home from work he would share any outstanding housework that needed doing and help with the baby.

When I had my second we did the same. Babies don't make a mess and we all have kitchen appliances that do the bulk of the work for us. Being organised is key.

Glug44 · 07/04/2018 13:08

Nobody needs a cleaner. Fair enough if you have one because you aren’t at home (work, live abroad, caring) or disabled; but an ablebodied person should be able to manage with basic housework regardless of whether they have just had a baby. Most people manage!

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 07/04/2018 13:08

I think it did come across that you were a bit bitter about your wife taking the leave, however misintended.

However, by way of a compromise, could you cut down the cleaners hours? So she comes fornightly?