People offended by kids not being invited to wedding

[Timeforachange2018]

Going to a family wedding in June- the couple aren’t inviting kids apart from their own 2 and have made that clear. It’s for financial reasons and they are keeping the wedding small to 50 people.

Found out that some relatives are offended by this because their kids aren’t invited and were off with the groom about it.

Aibu to think WTF is wrong with people. I have been to plenty of weddings where my kids were not invited- I totally get why that would be the case & I am not remotely offended by it. I am just happy to be invited and am looking forward to a childfree day sipping champagne and celebrating with the couple.

Aibu to think WTF is wrong with people?

@willynillypie actually the 4 year olds I know love a family get together but that's not the point I was making. Maybe the parents are disappointed that their siblings would rather have people they work with at their wedding than their own nieces and nephews. The rest of the family would probably be sorry that the children are missing too especially if, like many families now, they don't often get together.

I think a lot of times it isn't about cost but about the bride and groom not wanting to share attention with their young relatives.

Your rule about under 12s for example makes sense, but I would be worried about drawing a line otherwise associated with closeness.

A line that everyone can understand and work out if they fit into the category or not should avoid offence in the majority of cases. The problem would be picking and choosing kids based on what seems like arbitrary rules.

So Jack and Anna can come because they're well-behaved, but Daniel and Emma can't because they like to run around, even though all four have the same relationship to the bride or groom.

Or, even worse, Jack and Anna can come because they're the bride's niece and nephew, but Daniel and Emma can't even though they're the groom's niece and nephew.

Madeline18 we have been looking into it however many hotels don't seem to offer childcare for under twos and DS2 will be only 18mo. Really not sure what we will do at the moment!

Definitely agree with others about there being something a bit sad about children not being welcome at weddings because the couple want the day to be 'perfect'. Totally get childfree weddings to save money and space and also the worry that horrendous tantrums during the ceremony could have an impact but there was a thread the other day where someone said they don't think children under the age of 10 need to be present at weddings! It's a bit sad, feeling children have no part in happy, family, community occasions.

Personally I always decline childfree weddings as we have no one to dump our child on. Yes the couple can have whatever wedding they like but should not be upset at declines. I can sometimes see where guests are coming from where it’s obvious no childcare is available. The bride and groom naught as well not have invited you. I think any decent person planning their wedding (as is the case with any good hosts) takes their invited guests needs into consideration. I’ve always been baffled by the budget constraints argument as well. Surely you work out who you want their first then find a venue who can cater for that number of people in your budget. Weddings used to be about the joining together of 2families (inc kids) now it seems to be an excuse to show off with the biggest party ever, like many things in modern life appearances seem to trump substance time and again.

Ok, so all those people who are huffy about (their) DC not being invited, what's the alternative, what would please you?

a) The bride and groom overstretching themselves financially to invite all DC

b) The bride and groom not inviting some of their good friends, who may mean more to them than some family members, and invite all DC instead

c) The bride and groom eloping and not inviting anyone

Genuine question, what would not 'offend' you? And if b) who are you to try to dictate someone else's wedding? Who do you think you are to feel you can make the bride and groom feel unhappy on their, THEIR, not your, day, just because you feel you want your DC there? Can't come, don't come, but it's not your place to dictate someone else's party, or are you offering to pay?

Totally agree with you, OP. I do also agree that the B&G shouldn't get snippy if some can't make it, but I've never actually known anyone who WAS upset ... more likely the couple are relieved if those who insist their children must accompany them absolutely everywhere just don't come

Using the MN parlance of "it's an invitation not a summons", for me you accept it - or not - in its entirety. What you don't do is expect exceptions to be made, guilt trip the B&G and start on the "yes buts ...", in the expectation that you alone should be treated as some kind of special case

Don'tforget

Are you suggesting that weddings these days are different because it is all about the show?

Yes I agree with you.

As for weddings today being different because of same sex weddings - your point is what?

Same sex weddings should also be about the uniting of 2 families etc.

Or do you not agree with that?

I recently went to a 'family' wedding where I hardly recognised anyone in the church. Or at the wedding breakfast.

The main wedding photo's are devoid of any family members. Hence no family is that bothered about seeing them. The bride got rather stroppy about that.

She has also got stroppy over the fact that she has also not been invited to a couple of family weddings. She is welcome at the evening do though.

Shiny you said A wedding SHOULD be a family event

I have no siblings. I have two aunts and uncles and three cousins on one side of my family, then eight aunts and uncles and 29 cousins on the other.

Of the eight aunts and uncles, I have not seen six of them in over 10 years, in some cases 20. Of the 29 cousins, I've never even met half of them and of the half I have, only two have I seen in the last 20 years.

Why SHOULD I invite any of those people, just because they are blood related, above friends whom I have seen lots of in the last 5, 10, 20 years, or people I have worked with and spent 35 hours of the week for 47 weeks of the year for the last 13 years?

Sorry, but that would just be barking bloody mad.

My Aunty once said "children and weddings don't usually mix because Mum and dad are either usually running themselves ragged after the dc and not enjoying the day or they are sat ignoring the dc and letting them run riot."

I wouldn't mind taking mine now they are older but when they were little it was just a lot of work all day trying to keep small dc on their best behaviour as to not spoil the couples day.

BuntyII

I understand what you are saying, but I do also understand that people might not want to share attention on the one day of their life where they are entitled to it! I think it would be different if all parents were equally responsible, but I am sure we have all been to weddings where parents have let their baby cry for too long before removing them from the church. Ultimately, it's people's prerogative and if they don't want to share attention they should not have to.

CaffeineAndCrochet

What you're saying makes complete sense

Your wedding so your choice. My kids were not invited to the last wedding me and hubby went to nor are they invited to the next one we are going. I wouldn’t take them even if they were unless the bride or groom had asked them to be part of the wedding as in flower girl etc. I never went to weddings when I was a kid.

Joanna57

Are you suggesting that weddings these days are different because it is all about the show?

No. I did not suggest that. That's in your head. It's about 2 people getting married and wanting their nearest and dearest there. Which may not be family members. Friends are the family you choose. My mother is an abusive bitch with whom I am NC. My best friend has been there for me when I was suicidal. Case in point.

*As for weddings today being different because of same sex weddings - your point is what?

Same sex weddings should also be about the uniting of 2 families etc.

Or do you not agree with that?*

See my point above

I recently went to a 'family' wedding where I hardly recognised anyone in the church. Or at the wedding breakfast.

It's not about you.

Dontforget - um, all your suggestions indicate the guests to be an inconvenient expense! Perhaps it's because in my day you had the guest list and then planned the wedding around what you could afford to fit them all in. It seems the other way around now, I want this party and to have it, I'll leave bits of my family out.

You don't have to leave anyone out.

It's a small wedding. if you know me well enough to invite me to a small wedding, you know my childcare difficulties, so no phone call means you don't even give a damn.

Same token if you are only having a handful of guests they should know you well enough to know you can't afford their life choices.

To get offended on either side Is stupid. I do think people can show courtesy. My Dcousin did recently. He has even said that if people knock back the invite my Dsis can bring her little one.

The only time I ever got annoyed about a wedding invitation and kids was bil's wedding. Kids were invited. Really expensive hotel, quite a distance away so we had to stay 2 nights. Bringing the kids meant we had to have 2 rooms so accommodation alone cost an extra €400 if we brought the kids.

I wasn't thrilled at the extra cost but it was family so I was willing to suck it up. Next thing, it was suggested that a separate room be provided for the kids and they could stay there with a baby sitter rather than joining the adults for the meal. That's when I put my foot down (politely though). I wasn't willing to pay at least an extra €700 (hotel, meals and clothes) for my kids to go and eat chicken nuggets with a stranger. Aside from which, my kids were 6, 9 and 11 and the older 2 would have been absolutely disgusted at the notion of chicken nuggets when we were eating proper food.

We told them that we didn't mind whether we brought kids or not as we could easily leave with my mother so if they didn't want kids at the meal etc then we just wouldn't bring them. The notion of the separate room and baby sitter was scrapped.

In fairness, I don't think it was bil or his wife who were originally behind the idea. I think mil and other sil came up with it as sil's kids are pretty badly behaved so it would be a more enjoyable meal for her if her kids were elsewhere.

Cotswold Yeah you do if you can't afford it. The difference between DC and no DC can easily be 50 guests (in my case). 1000s, whichever way you look at it. It really isn't as straightforward as 'just pick a larger AND cheaper venue'... Which then may be much further away from some people and then you get grief over that.

The guest list should indeed be about who you want to be there. Not who you might offend because people seem to think someone else's wedding is about them and their values, not the B&G's.

I wanted to elope to avoid all this shite. Still regret I didn't do it. My marriage was not about anyone else but my DH and me, our DP (DParents) and DS (Dsiblings), and some good friends. My DH's Ddad tried to get us to invite his colleagues. People we'd never met. My DU tried to get us to move the date as it didn't suit him. My DH's DCousins were enormously offended that we didn't invite them or their DC. They are racists, entitled and plain horrible people. Hence why we didn't want them.

And so on.

Family my arse.

I don't like them. Generally. I think you should invite who you want, elderly may leave early, parents with young ones may leave early. Fine.

I didn't like the fact that my closest friend had one. I tried to arrange childcare but couldn't, and in the end I went on my own.

If I want to go to one and can get childcare then ok. If not, would politely decline.

Why have a wedding? What's the point? To celebrate your love? With the ones you care about? Then presumably you don't actually care about those parents that much, or else you'd have chosen a different kind of wedding?

You really can't please everyone so i think you need to please yourself.

My wedding is 1/3 kids and my uncle is grumbling about it being 'a bloody creche not a wedding' MIL thinks it means it will be a very casual affair 🤔.

If it was kid free my guest list would reduce dramtically so I've choosen to have them there. People will always find something to moan about.

We didn't invite children to our wedding apart from our nephews & nieces. My OH & I both have huge families - 28 aunts and uncles, 35 cousins who nearly all have children. If we invited children that would have been over 30 children and we wouldn't have been able to invite some of our friends.

I now have my own DS & have been invited to child-free weddings which I have been more than happy about. I would actually rather not bring him, he is only 2 and still needs a nap so a full day wedding is actually not an ideal place to bring him.

I do think that some guests seem to feel remarkably entitled about weddings. I've heard people complain at weddings that the bride & groom haven't provided a creche for their LOs which I thought was unbelievable. I also had someone I invited to my wedding tell me she wanted to invite a casual boyfriend as a plus one - I said no which she was offended by

I'm getting married soon. DP is keen for a totally child-free wedding, but a lot of my friends have/will have very small babies, so we've compromised and said babies in arms are welcome but toddlers and older children are not invited (in reality this only affects two couples). Quite a few friends have said they'll leave their babies behind anyway and are looking forward to letting their hair down.

We are limited on numbers because of the venue we've chosen, and by not inviting those three older children, we've been able to invite three more of our friends that we want to share the day with. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Anditstartsagain

ou really can't please everyone so i think you need to please yourself

This with bells on.

Agree that a couple should have the wedding they want.
However the cost argument is annoying as it's so false. A newborn costs nothing. Children's meals are cheap (or were when I got married a couple of years back) plus no alcohol costs.
Just say you don't want kids rather than pretend they are super expensive.

Kadabra

It's not false. Not all DC are babes in arms. A lot of venues charge adult prices for DC meals and having lots of DC will mean bigger room, or different venue. A lot more expensive again. Look further than your nose is long for goodness sake.

Dontforget shop around a little. If a venue is charging you the same for a 3 course meal plus wine as a toddler meal they are taking the piss.