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AIBU?

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Original poster

People offended by kids not being invited to wedding

493 replies

Timeforachange2018 · 06/04/2018 08:49

Going to a family wedding in June- the couple aren’t inviting kids apart from their own 2 and have made that clear. It’s for financial reasons and they are keeping the wedding small to 50 people.

Found out that some relatives are offended by this because their kids aren’t invited and were off with the groom about it.

Aibu to think WTF is wrong with people. I have been to plenty of weddings where my kids were not invited- I totally get why that would be the case & I am not remotely offended by it. I am just happy to be invited and am looking forward to a childfree day sipping champagne and celebrating with the couple.

Aibu to think WTF is wrong with people?

OP posts:
BigPinkBall · 06/04/2018 09:18

Oh and I especially hate the phrase on the invitations “we hope you enjoy the opportunity to leave the kids behind and let your hair down” unless you’re organising childcare at the venue for your guests then don’t act like you’re doing me a favour when you’re actually just trying to save money by not inviting children.

switswoo81 · 06/04/2018 09:18

Have never been to a wedding where children (bar nieces and nephews) were invited. Have been to loads of big Irish weddings (200+people) . I would prefer to stay at home than bring mine to a wedding, up to 90 mins in church, 2 hour drinks reception, 4 course dinner , speeches then huge amounts of alcohol don’t seem toddler friendly to me!

goldopals · 06/04/2018 09:20

My wedding will be mostly child free apart from infants. It will only have forty guests due to price restraints and a very close relative who has trouble with crowds. We've had a couple of guests decline which is fair enough.

Eggzandbacon · 06/04/2018 09:21

ikeepaforkinmypurse the invite didn’t say no children - this was over 20 years ago when directions like that were rare.
We were all very young and for most it was our first weddings, I don’t think it would have occurred to them that was an issue. Bride knew she was pregnant/had baby and didn’t say anything.

Bride would equally have been angry if they hadn’t come I am sure (what she’s like).

TheSunnySide · 06/04/2018 09:22

An invite Can be declined and should be declined without comment imo. If someone invited me without my child it might mean I couldn’t go and so be it.

Heatherjayne1972 · 06/04/2018 09:24

This exact same thing caused a huge family feud where years on people still aren’t speaking - in a family I know
Kids weren’t invited except no one said what age that went up to

Then the bride and groom brought their own kids. Que much much anger about unfair rules
And the guests refused to look after said kids on the wedding day
Quite bizarre

sinceyouask · 06/04/2018 09:24

I don't get offended, but I don't go to the wedding either.

ShowOfHands · 06/04/2018 09:25

99 times out of 100, I think it's the couple's choice. The exception is my brother and more accurately, his wife who didn't invite my dd to their "child free" wedding. That's an entirely different story though.

Shinycat · 06/04/2018 09:26

@MinnieMousse

I don't think guests should be offended if this DC are not invited but the bride and groom should equally not be offended if some guests can't make it because of childcare etc. Not everyone has somebody they can leave their children with overnight.

THIS ^

And whilst I know some people are offended by their children not being invited to a wedding, I have seen more cases of the people who are getting married being offended, when the people say they won't come to their wedding because of the kids being left off the guest list.

Don't have kids at your wedding by all means, but don't sulk and pout when people don't come.

I have no idea exactly where, when, and WHY this 'no kids at weddings' thing came in, because every last wedding I went to as a young child, (and as a teenager,) always invited every child, no matter what age.

It's quite often the ones who spend stupid amounts of money on their wedding who refuse to have kids there. The ones who spend more basic amounts aren't so precious.

Have to admit, I refused 4 or 5 weddings when my kids were small and weren't invited. It's their prerogative to refuse to allow my kids at their wedding, but it's also MY prerogative to decline the invitation.

RafikiIsTheBest · 06/04/2018 09:27

We're planning a wedding and I'm worried about this. DP and MIL don't want a 'kids party' and apparently that will be what it turns into if kids are there. I think weddings are family events, like some PP and that is what I had in mind. Plus we've already agreed that siblings children will be there so already got a lot of kids (7 siblings in total, each with 1 or 2 kids). Think MIL thought all little kids would be leaving before night do but not on my side there not. No one to have them, so either they stay or siblings have to leave and I'm not telling them that. And I want all of them there all night.
Told DP that when his cousins etc get there and see 15 or so little kids/preteens/teens running around they might have a moan but because I don't know them well doubt they will moan to me.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 06/04/2018 09:27

I grew up in the ‘70’s where (with our friends & families at least) weddings were a service at the church & a knees up in the village hall, generally self catered with all the family pitching in. I remember them with true fondness. The build up, the baking, making the table decorations, decorating the hall...the excitement for everyone...so to me, having children at weddings is lovely.

However, things have changed. People are getting married & hiring venues that cost a lot of money even for a child’s place/meal. I can understand them wanting to invite 10 more friends rather than 10 kids.

Other people just aren’t keen on other people’s kids, or the noise etc. It’s their day. As long as they understand some people’s wont be able or will choose not to attend. You can’t have it both ways.

In this case I think it’s a shame for their kids not to have other kids there, but there may be reasons other than money for that decision.

Anyway, whatever the reason, people are being utterly ridiculous to be ‘offended’ by it when it’s a blanket ‘no kids’ and not ‘everyone else’s kids except yours’. They are being incredibly rude to make their (idiotic) opinions known. If they’re going to be twats, they might as well be uninvited 🤣

redcaryellowcar · 06/04/2018 09:28

I am of the opinion that you can organise whatever type of wedding you want, and invite whoever you want with or without children as you prefer, but you have to take the risk that if the majority of your friends have children or you have decided to get married a long way away that people might decide not to come. I personally turned down an invitation to a wedding at the other end of the country, which wasn't super welcoming to the children, during the summer holidays and was going to cost us the same in travel and accommodation as our yearly holiday (also in the uk) so we politely declined.

Chrys2017 · 06/04/2018 09:29

My friends who have young children are always thrilled to be invited to a child-free event. It gives them an excuse to rope in friends/parents to babysit, and they get an evening or weekend to themselves!

RafikiIsTheBest · 06/04/2018 09:30

My point is, that they can do as they like. People should either accept or decline the invitation as it is, not moan about it but they should be well aware that often people do as so many feel entitled to do so or just simply share their feelings in a way that can seem 'off' or can have a full on shouting match at the event because they deem it not fair etc.

Unfortunately no way to avoid not upsetting someone, bride and grooms need thick skins, I know I'm developing one.

SweetMoon · 06/04/2018 09:30

Oh and I especially hate the phrase on the invitations “we hope you enjoy the opportunity to leave the kids behind and let your hair down”

This, I hate this. I actually like my children and they are very well behaved when out, so this type of line implies I want to spend time away from them but usually can't.

No, If I want to go somewhere without my kids, I will do so whenever I want thanks. I don't need an excuse of your wedding to do it.

I wouldn't be offended if my children were not invited, but I wouldn't go. I grew up in a country where family is family and that includes everyone in it whether they are old, young, fat, thin, weird, normal you get the idea. I do find it all a bit weird in the UK where people are obsessed with excluding children from anything remotely formal.

BlueSapp · 06/04/2018 09:31

If they can't attend because of childcare, it's fine, no one cares if they are not there.

Why would you invite people to a small wedding if you don't care if they come or not?

I think its like others have said, by inviting people to a child free wedding who you know would not be able to come without their children you are kind of saying we don't really want you to come. I would say that's why they are annoyed its because they feel they can't ever go anywhere without their kids but the fact that they're presance is unwanted really.

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 06/04/2018 09:31

I don't think anyone should be offended. Depending on individual circumstances, child care could well be an issue though.

yikesanotherbooboo · 06/04/2018 09:31

Of course it is acceptable for B&G to invite adults only. Cost is crucial .it isn't personal so I don't understand why anyone would be upset.
One exception I would always make is for a nursing baby. If a breast feeding mother of an infant is invited to a wedding surely there is an assumption that the baby comes too.
Personally I prefer weddings with all the generations there, but I totally understand that this is not always a financial possibility.

Zaphodsotherhead · 06/04/2018 09:32

Wrt the two week old baby -

suppose you accept a wedding invite because you'll still only be 8 months pg on the date, you're looking forward to a last hoorah before the baby arrives, seeing all your friends, nice hotel, etc...

and then the baby is six weeks early. Is it ruder to bring a tiny tiny baby who will sleep and feed for the whole thing than to send your regrets when your accommodation, meal and place are paid for - leaving bride and groom with an empty seat? Or two, if your partner stays away too?

divadee · 06/04/2018 09:32

I just politely decline child free weddings. I have no childcare. I have had the wedding party kick off twice that we have declined which I find rude.

Thelampshadelady · 06/04/2018 09:34

We had a small wedding for which our family members with children could not attend. We used this to set the presidence for friends children. (Only 2 of my friends invited to our wedding had children at this point)
We gave them 10 months notice so plenty of time to arrange childcare and if this was something they didn’t want to do that was fine also. They just didn’t come.
I would happily arrange childcare for a childfree wedding. I don’t see the problem. Either you attend or you don’t.

Joanna57 · 06/04/2018 09:34

It is rather modern to say a wedding is all about '2 people getting married ONLY' and that that is all that matters.

Weddings USED to be about 2 families uniting, making a vow to God, if getting married in a church, as well.

Not nowadays though.

They are all about showing off how much money can be spent.

Rather than uniting families, weddings these days are more likely to divide families.

I used to love going to a proper traditional wedding - bridesmaids were sisters/cousins, rather than mates that they eventually lose touch with. The best man would be a brother/cousin, rather than a mate who would eventually disappear too. Most of the guests, at the wedding and wedding breakfast, would be FAMILY, not mates,

Mates only came to the evening do.

Oh how I long for those sorts of weddings.

pilates · 06/04/2018 09:35

I’m not bothered either way. I think in years gone by weddings weren’t so elaborate and so children were included as it didn’t make a lot of difference to the price. Nowadays they are more elaborate and so I can see why people want to keep the price down.

MaryShelley1818 · 06/04/2018 09:36

I had a chil free wedding and it was lovely, we didn’t spend loads of money, it wasn’t remotely showy but I didn’t want to have to exclude inviting my friends so I could have 20 kids there! We didn’t have a bottomless budget!
No one was offended and everyone came, and yes all of our friends enjoyed the opportunity for an adult evening.
I now have a 4mth old baby and feel no different. I spend every single second of every day looking after him and I adore him, but I’d still welcome a lovely adult day out with DP.

Merryoldgoat · 06/04/2018 09:38

I wouldn’t be offended but I equally don’t expect grief from the bride and groom if I decline owing to childcare issues.

I know so many people who have stipulated ‘no children’ but got really annoyed with the ‘decline’. What they seemed to forget is that many of the guests with children were family, and the members of family who would usually provide childcare were also guests.