People offended by kids not being invited to wedding

[Timeforachange2018]

Going to a family wedding in June- the couple aren’t inviting kids apart from their own 2 and have made that clear. It’s for financial reasons and they are keeping the wedding small to 50 people.

Found out that some relatives are offended by this because their kids aren’t invited and were off with the groom about it.

Aibu to think WTF is wrong with people. I have been to plenty of weddings where my kids were not invited- I totally get why that would be the case & I am not remotely offended by it. I am just happy to be invited and am looking forward to a childfree day sipping champagne and celebrating with the couple.

Aibu to think WTF is wrong with people?

‘In my group of friends it seems to be an entertaining cycle - “no children” at a couples wedding, and then they have children and realise actually it’s a bit of a cunt thing to do, especially with young babies’

Seriously frilly? It’s a bit of a cunt thing to do? The bride and groom having a day how they want it and inviting the people they want to come and celebrate them get married?

It’s up to the bride and groom and if they don’t want kids there then no one should get offended or take it personally. Either go and enjoy yourselves or don’t go and send a nice message. Personally I had a child-free wedding and would love to go to one now although not many people I know are still to get married. Maybe the people who wanted a child-free wedding who then go on to like child-attended weddings find that they have a lifestyle change and whereas pre-kids it might have been all about the party things change once you have kids. It doesnt however make the bride and groom who want a party and adult-fun-filled child-free wedding ‘cunts’.

Joanna57 weddings also used to be about a man and a woman getting married. These days 2 men and 2 women can get married. I think it's brilliant how things change.

Don't you?

Weddings make people weird. I worked with someone once who was furious with her cousin/friend (can't remeber which) because she had declined an invite to her wedding in Cyprus, she couldn't afford to travel etc. Apparently she should have rearranged her family holiday for the date and location of her wedding so she could afford it. My colleague was very personally offended by the invite being declined.

*I used to love going to a proper traditional wedding - bridesmaids were sisters/cousins, rather than mates that they eventually lose touch with. The best man would be a brother/cousin, rather than a mate who would eventually disappear too. Most of the guests, at the wedding and wedding breakfast, would be FAMILY, not mates,

Mates only came to the evening do.*

That was my experience, too. Clearly times change, and some of the "modern" attitudes expressed by some posters on here leave me feeling quite saddened.

Joanna I'm screwed if I ever get married then! No sisters, one cousin who is a man. Lots of friends though and my best friend has been so since 1992 so I don’t think she’s disappearing!

I’ve never actually been to a child free wedding but I wouldn’t have been able to go if I’d been invited to one. I wouldn’t have been offended though.

I have friends who are more family to me than my family has ever been (with some exceptions.

I hate the saying that blood is thicker than water and am absolutely delighted attitudes have changed.

@Annieanonimouse

I grew up in the ‘70’s where (with our friends & families at least) weddings were a service at the church & a knees up in the village hall, generally self catered with all the family pitching in. I remember them with true fondness. The build up, the baking, making the table decorations, decorating the hall...the excitement for everyone...so to me, having children at weddings is lovely.

All of this ^

A wedding SHOULD be a family event, and I have the same lovely memories of weddings as you do. Yet, I have known of many couples this past decade or so, who had 20 work colleagues (and their partners,) and some mates from the gym or golf club at their wedding, but no nieces and nephews or children of their cousins. And not even any cousins, as they had excluded their cousins children, so the cousins couldn't come/didn't want to come. (And on occasions, even the bride and grooms SIBLINGS don't come, as their kids can't come.)

Very sad. It turns into some fancy over-priced gala event, executed purely to impress their peers, that has half the family missing (and even some old, and formerly close friends missing too...)

And as I said earlier, it's the couples who spend crazy amounts of their wedding who are the most precious, and who refuse to have kids there. People who spend very little, and get their close family to whip up a buffet, and have the reception/after-party in the local village hall, are the ones who are happy to have kids at their wedding.

The latter is the kind of wedding I prefer.

Conjours up images of the Griswoldes or similar in the pea green family station wagon....

This made me smile.

They are invariably great bores who no one wants around anyway, so a great result.

I wouldnt be offended by a childfree invite but I do find the invites (ok I've only seen them on mumsnet) that say something like 'I want the parents to enjoy a lovely childfree day' really annoying. Im a grown up, with access to good (paid) childcare so if I want a 'lovely childfree day' I can decide whether I can afford one. With 2 3 year olds, my idea of a lovely childfree day categorically does not include sitting down for dinner with all my family, following someone elses timetable and being 'on' all day. I can do all that with my kids. The joy of a childfree day is not having to do anything, staying in bed if we want to, wandering aimlessly. Not answering any questions. So have a childfree wedding if you want but please dont pretend I should be delighted to spend an extra £200 to come. And dont be upset if I decline.

That applies to family weddings, where my husband would be expected to come too. Very close friends would be different.

It makes complete sense not wanting children at a wedding! They will most likely get bored for starters, and it's not the best environment for children as it's alcohol-fuelled. The parents will almost certainly have a better time without the children there, and I can see why a bride might not want her "moment" outshone by a screaming toddler or run the risk of some little child smearing cake on her dress 😂 People who are offended by this are entitled parents who think little johnny ought to be appreciated everywhere he goes as mummy thinks he is special! 🙈 Agree that childcare is hard to organise though and that when breastfeeding etc you'll just have to miss out which is a shame but reasonable.

We are all different and have different views. Wouldn’t it be a boring world if we were all the same? I personally love a wedding with children runnng around playing and dancing and having fun. But also wouldn’t be offended if I was invited to a child free wedding. As others have said .... YOU have the choice as to whether you attend or not.

I used to love going to a proper traditional wedding - bridesmaids were sisters/cousins, rather than mates that they eventually lose touch with. The best man would be a brother/cousin, rather than a mate who would eventually disappear too. Most of the guests, at the wedding and wedding breakfast, would be FAMILY, not mates. Mates came to the evening do only.

Yep, I have the same memories and experiences too.

Our wedding was childfree apart from DH’s godson and his sister. I don’t know why some parents don’t understand that there are big practical and financial implications if everyone brought their children!

I agree. It's the couples choice not to invite children. I certainly wouldn't question it but obviously the coupe shouldn't get annoyed if people cannot attend because of that. We invited all children to our wedding as a lot of our friends had them and no one wanted to bring them though! Not one!!

I can see the appeal of childfree weddings, and if I'm going to a friend's wedding, I love leaving DD with her grandparents so I can enjoy it. Family weddings are trickier though because her grandparents are also invited. We've been invited to a wedding in June and I'm already starting to worry about childcare. DD has autism so not everyone is able (or willing) to cope with her for a day.

Planning my own wedding at the moment as well and the politics of who to invite/who to leave out/who'll be offended if I do this or that is stressing me out and we haven't even set a date yet.

A "bit of a cunt thing to do" is to expect a couple to double their costs because you want your child to be there.

@Serendippity

Our wedding was childfree apart from DH’s godson and his sister. I don’t know why some parents don’t understand that there are big practical and financial implications if everyone brought their children!

Bollocks.

The people who exclude all children have dozens of mates and work colleagues, so that bullshit doesn't wash.

These people just dislike children. Their prerogative, but at least be bloody honest about it.

I still have fond memories of the child free close family wedding. Which meant all our childcare options were at the wedding.....and the grief from not leaving a small baby with complete strangers.

Same to @boneyback too. Stop using COST as an excuse ... It's bullshit.

People who are offended by this are entitled parents who think little johnny ought to be appreciated everywhere he goes as mummy thinks he is special!

Or is it possible that they would like to bring their child because he is a person too, a member of the family?

Weddings really do bring out the worst in people. Modern weddings are crashingly boring and ridiculously extravagant. Perhaps the parents are glad to have an excuse not to have to spend hundreds of pounds on a day where they're afraid to speak or move in case of saying or doing the wrong thing and incurring the wrath of the newlyweds.

When my children were younger I always declined child free wedding invitations. The reason being that dh & myself both worked long, unsociable hours (dh lodging away for two nights in the week) & so our family time with the children was very precious, plus we used all our childcare favours for work.

I was never offended - but was a bit when I was expected to invite all my cousins children to my wedding, yet those same cousins (2nd marriages in two cases) didn’t invite mine.

Not inviting children is another cost that is then pushed onto the invitee.

If we were to go to one we would have to pay a fortune to have DD looked after.

I asked DH, he is from a massive family (who live miles away - hence no childcare). There were lots of weddings when he was a kid. Obviously all the kids went as everyone went and no one used childcare/paid babysitters.
He said all the kids were usually shoved in a room with older cousins and told not to leave or else - so the parents could have their child free night.

I think I’d be offended if it was a close family member. Not anyone else. But this is because I’d wonder why they didn’t want their whole family there to celebrate their day. We went to a wedding with loads of kids that was a nightmare during speeches etc, so for ours we had a couple of childminders and a drumming workshop and party games during the speeches in another room. This helped a lot.

Why should a wedding be a family event? Not everyone has family. A wedding should be whatever the couple wants within reason as long as they are gracious about the declines.

I did actually have the ultimate child friendly wedding...at the zoo! But only 9 out of our 60 guests were from my side (4 of which were my relatives) as I know hardly anyone. Comments such as it's all about faaaaamily are mildly upsetting.