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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

People offended by kids not being invited to wedding

493 replies

Timeforachange2018 · 06/04/2018 08:49

Going to a family wedding in June- the couple aren’t inviting kids apart from their own 2 and have made that clear. It’s for financial reasons and they are keeping the wedding small to 50 people.

Found out that some relatives are offended by this because their kids aren’t invited and were off with the groom about it.

Aibu to think WTF is wrong with people. I have been to plenty of weddings where my kids were not invited- I totally get why that would be the case & I am not remotely offended by it. I am just happy to be invited and am looking forward to a childfree day sipping champagne and celebrating with the couple.

Aibu to think WTF is wrong with people?

OP posts:

HadronCollider · 10/04/2018 19:19

True it was more forceful. (ok possibly a likkle bit too much) So perhaps it makes my latter post seem a bit disingenuous. I can see where you're coming from. Well I'm just annoyed by it, for the reasons I stayed be it sensible or not. So there

Helenat29 · 11/04/2018 12:02

When my daughter was married she invited all her friends' children to be bridesmaids, in their party frocks (or in one case a very smart suit!). She was followed down the aisle by 20+ children each clutching a sunflower (except for the little boy who handed his to my husband as the started, so he progressed down the aisle with a sunflower!).
It was a joyous occasion, and mt favourite photo is her coming down a slide in her wedding dress (on a cushion) surrounded by children.
Forget no children, whaterveryone will remember is how having the children made the event totally memorable.
That was her choice, good for her. It's the couple's choice, not their family.

RoadToRivendell · 11/04/2018 12:09

I said the trend of no children invites were reflective of an increasingly me focused, selfish and narcissistic society.

That's just silly. Our wedding was black tie/formal, it didn't occur to us to include children. Also, we got married before we had children (I realise this is now considered quaint), so they weren't really on our radar.

Margot88 · 11/04/2018 12:34

People tend to show their true colours when a wedding is involved.

Our wedding was no children and an aunt went apeshit because I hadn't invited her grandchildren. It completely blew up and caused a family rift that has never been resolved. Among the (many) reasons why she was so aggrieved was because she was looking forward "to showing off her family" - as if that's the only reason why she would want to attend our wedding!

I'm always happy for couples who choose to have children but it's exactly that - THEIR choice. It's my choice how much I allow that to impact on my life. In the exact same way as when we sent out invitations, we accepted that some people would choose not to attend. It didn't mean we got offended though.

dinosaursandtea · 11/04/2018 12:38

I married before the current wave of kids in my family, but if I was to do it now then I would absolutely have my young nephew and nieces along since they’re some of my favourite people. I probably wouldn’t want everyone’s kids there, though - although if it was going to pose a problem with small babies, I’d be flexible. I would never expect to bring mine along, though.

Barbie222 · 11/04/2018 12:50

I wouldn't be offended but wouldn't go. It's a big hassle finding childcare and it's just not worth it.

HadronCollider · 11/04/2018 12:56

it didn't occur to us to include children.

See how does this work exactly, because people have to give special thought not to invite children. ie., children often come tag-a-long with parents -especially family members- so they have to be purposefully excluded (unless none of their friends or family have children, so a non-issue) so from my prospective, people are excluding children primarily because they have a certain look they want to achieve - aesthetics - over children, even if it would put potential guests at a cost disadvantage, or require them making choices like leaving partners behind, leaving potentially young breast fed babies behind, rescheduling work etc (which they have a choice I suppose but some would feel compelled) And I do question whether the industry of weddings, which tries to sell a 'picture perfect wedding' with everything 'just so' and in its place is becoming the priority over the 'family' atmosphere, focusing on others, and fostering an intolerant attitude towards children and the normal uncontrollable stuff they do.

And that's what I mean about a 'me focused' trend. Its spilling over to many things on a much larger level. It is a bit like a ripple in a pond with rings that get wider and wider.

Blackbirdblue30 · 11/04/2018 13:22

Hands up who's never been to a formal ceremony that had a child's wails wrecking it for everyone.
You see, young children have the potential to wreck a wedding. And you can no longer rely on parents to do the right thing and take them away, at which point a disturbance has been created anyway. It's not unreasonable for the people getting married to not want it wrecked and reduce the possibility of that by not inviting children. Then you have to pay for them and so potentially exclude other proper guests to include a family member's or friend's roaring darlings.

What's wrong with wanting a nice wedding day? If you think it's 'me-centric' so be it, but weddings are about the bride and groom, not other people's children. If you don't like it/can't go/can't afford it no-one is going to frogmarch you there.

RoadToRivendell · 11/04/2018 13:30

Oh, I see what you did there! I'm not an Instgram person, contrary to your insinuations (I got married 16 years ago, anyway, long before the Rise of the Bridezilla).

We opted for a black tie, formal affair, we didn't have children, none of our friends did, some more distant relatives did, they left them at home, we danced until 3am. It was a great wedding.

Amaried · 11/04/2018 13:34

Honestly i am always a bit amazed by the amount of people who (babysitting issues aside) are unwilling to leave their kids even for one day to enjoy a day in adult company with adult conversation.

Then i grew up in Ireland where weddings were large and apart from immediate family were normally childfree,

I remember my parents skipping out the door to leave us behind as they didn't normally ask people to babysit unless they had a official event to attend so it was a real treat for them.

Barbie222 · 11/04/2018 13:37

I think for me it's because I'm shy and would much prefer to talk to my immediate family (ie children) than make conversation with people I don't see often. Therefore I can't see how they will miss me not being there!

LaurieMarlow · 11/04/2018 13:44

I think it's somewhat ironic labeling those wanting a child free wedding as narcissistic. Generally parents who want their kids to be invited want them there for their own sake (because they want a lovely day out with them) not the bride and groom's sake.

Blackbirdblue30 · 11/04/2018 13:52

Yes this. I think it's 'me centric' for a guest to expect to bring their children so everything thinks they're cute in their party clothes. Almost no one cares.

RoadToRivendell · 11/04/2018 14:11

Yes. 'You'll really enjoy having my children at your wedding, they'll make the day so much more meaningful for you.'

mintich · 11/04/2018 14:16

I've had the opposite! Planning my wedding and including children, but turns out hardly anyone wants to bring then!

GinUnicorn · 11/04/2018 18:28

I'd be fine about attending without dd. TBH weddings are boring for children. She'd have a much better time being spoilt by one of her grandmothers.

puglife15 · 11/04/2018 18:48

people are excluding children primarily because they have a certain look they want to achieve - aesthetics

Erm that's bollocks. Kids usually look cute at weddings. They just don't always ACT cute.

Anyway I think for most people it probably goes

Capacity of venue
Cost
Don't want a kid screaming over their vows
Want an adult experience
Don't like kids much

... ... ... 872. "Aesthetic"

niccyb · 11/04/2018 19:07

I totally get why people say no to children at weddings, it’s their choice and they are paying for it but if people are unable to attend because of this it should not be held against them.
We were invited to my husbands cousin wedding abroad about 10 years ago. There was a strict rule that no children were allowed. We had young children at the time ages 6 and 4 and no childcare provision from parents due to ill health and therefore we were unable to attend.
We sent a card with a large cash sum (as the couple requested cash) and wished them luck but they were very very put out that we didn’t attend despite circumstances beyond our control and made it quite clear on their return.
Ironically, they now have 2 young children themselves and never go anywhere without them.

Hippymama · 11/04/2018 19:24

I'm not at all offended if my children aren't invited to weddings, as long as the bride and groom are also not offended when we decline the invitation. It is completely their choice to have their wedding exactly how they want it, but they also need to understand that this may mean that some people will unfortunately be unable (or unwilling) to attend. Thankfully we have never had to be in this situation as most people we know are either married already, have no intention of getting married or have a wedding where everyone is invited.

We don't have any family nearby so would struggle hugely with childcare.

HadronCollider · 11/04/2018 19:40

But No.3 is partly related to No.872. And, I'd argue, also very much with No 4.

AlonsosLeftPinky · 11/04/2018 20:11

Not wanting kids screaming through your vows isn't because of aesthetics. Its because you want your vows to be taken without distraction.

I couldn't personally give many shits about how cute kids are or how they look in wedding photos. I didn't want hoardes of kids at my wedding, partly because I was dealing with the pain of infertility and partly because neither I nor my husband had any relationship with them.

RoadToRivendell · 11/04/2018 20:19

I'd have found it irritating to spend hours at a wedding with my own children when they were toddlers. I can't understand why brides should be Disney sylphs, chirping and twirling with hordes of children.

LaurieMarlow · 11/04/2018 21:00

neither I nor my husband had any relationship with them

I think this is key. The bride and groom want to invite people who have special significance to them. And often they don't have strong relationships with their friends' toddlers, even if their friends think they do.

AloaBoa · 11/04/2018 23:29

The offended are always the people with the kids whose behaviour is often the reason for the no kids rule.

Slanetylor · 11/04/2018 23:37

Also the people who would refuse to go to a close friends wedding solo are the same people who don’t have a friend they could ask to babysit.

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