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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated by this?... MIL related.

175 replies

Daffodillia · 06/04/2018 05:44

So we’re staying at mil house. To be fair to her she’s done a lot of the cooking whilst Dh and I chill out. I’ve offered to help but She insists she’s okay.

The thing that irritates me is that when it’s time to serve up she always asks ME to serve the dc’s food up. Which is fine, she doesn’t want to get the portions wrong. BUT she never asks DH!

Now DH is a very capable person, we’re pretty equal when it comes to household stuff, including cooking. But she never asks him!

I was even on the toilet upstairs yesterday and DH was in the kitchen. She walked straight past him and called up to me to come serve the dc’s food!

My dh finds it hilarious, (it’s kind of become an in joke between the 2 of us) and refuses to offer just to wind me up!

I find it sexist, dh finds it old fashioned.

AIBU that it pisses me off?!

OP posts:
redexpat · 06/04/2018 05:48

Yanbu. That would annoy me too. But I think dh going along with it to wind me up would really upset me.

expatmatt78 · 06/04/2018 05:48

If she's hosting you and giving you a break I think there's worse things to get riled up about
In my experience mothers of sons tend to defer to the mother of their GC (ie their DIL)
If she didn't ask you perhaps your post would be about how she'd just given your DC food and portions without asking you first ?
Seriously just chill out

Chottie · 06/04/2018 05:50

Pls give your MIL a break, she is trying to be nice and ensure meal times go smoothly for all.

But, if it bothers you that much, tell your dh how upset you are and ask your him to speak to her.

MyOtherProfile · 06/04/2018 05:51

It is a bit sexist but it's probably a generational thing and I would try to keep light hearted abiut it an continue my little in joke with dh. You're both getting a break from all the cooking so just focus on that. Life's too short really.

Original poster
Daffodillia · 06/04/2018 05:52

Seriously expat mil doing the portions herself really wouldn’t bother me and I’m kind of Hmm that she doesn’t anyway.

I’m also a pretty chilled out person, but find it uneccessary to rush having a wee for something that 4 other adults already downstairs can do for me

OP posts:
Original poster
Daffodillia · 06/04/2018 05:54

It doesn’t upset me, it is light hearted. Hence the in joke with dh.

It does irritate me though, as I hate the whole ‘wifey’ duties thing.

OP posts:
rwalker · 06/04/2018 06:03

please don't say anything your in her house her rules and just cause an atmosphere. It will be a generation thing my dad will be in the kitchen and shout my mum to make a brew but she will shout him to empty kitchen bin, lift hoover upstairs and i think best one was to clean dog shit off pram wheels that she had gone through

Original poster
Daffodillia · 06/04/2018 06:10

Ha rw I’m not going to say anything. I just thought I’d post on here to see if this happens to anyone else.

The best one I’ve heard from mil is asking her dh to mash the potatoes. Even when I’ve been cooking potatoes she’ll say to me that she’ll ask fil to come in and mash for me Confused

OP posts:
Shutupanddance1 · 06/04/2018 06:12

I dunno - as you say she doesn’t get the portions right, maybe she just wants to make sure it’s all ok with you?

In this case I’d shout back to DH to get it. Simples.

Cherrysherbet · 06/04/2018 06:15

You're lucky. My Mum lives with us, and just sits and waits for her meals to arrive in front of her, even when we've been out working all day. If she cooked us a meal, I wouldn't mind at all her asking me to dish up the kids meals, but that's never going to happen! Be grateful that your mil is helping you out by cooking for you and your family.

SingleAgainThen · 06/04/2018 06:16

I agree with you, I hate it when I am deferred to because I am female when my husband is more than capable.

I tend to show over time that I expect my husband to do it. I’d say - oh DH, can you do the honours, I’m just popping to the loo & keep doing it until they both get the hint!

zzzzz · 06/04/2018 06:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Booboobooboo84 · 06/04/2018 06:16

Just reply and say it’s dh turn to sort the dc portions today. Defer the task over to him

BoomBoomsCousin · 06/04/2018 06:19

It is a bit sexist, but I think it's probably as likely a habit of thinking of it this way as it is a value she actually holds. My MiL has a habit of communicating with me about our DC, but I also know (because we've discussed it) she's kind of irritated when people assume she's the one to contact about Grandparenty things.

I know you have an ongoing joke about it with your DH, but I suspect your irritation would be more effectively focused on him than your MIL. If he stepped in when she made these assumptions she wouldn't have her actions validated.

Original poster
Daffodillia · 06/04/2018 06:20

No shutup SHE says she doesn’t get the portions right,
I don’t really care how much she puts on dc’s plates.

Oh I am grateful cherry it fucking irritates me when people are told on here be grateful. Of course I am fucking grateful!

Both of us are zzzzzz

I will today to pass the job over to dh

OP posts:
Original poster
Daffodillia · 06/04/2018 06:24

I know, he just laughs at me boom boom and says go on then, off you go!.... All in jest.

She also does that boom boom, consulting me about dc stuff rather than dh. Such as asking me if they can have pudding, rather than dh who might be sitting right next to her!

It wouldn’t irritate me so much her asking me if we were all in the same room, but it’s the act of totally bypassing dh to look for me to ask me

OP posts:
SharronNeedles · 06/04/2018 06:26

Can't you just say "please ask DH to do it, I'm having a wee" or something similar? If you keep doing/saying that she'll get the message

Original poster
Daffodillia · 06/04/2018 06:27

I’ve tried that in the past sharron but it still defaults to me

OP posts:
BendydickCuminsnatch · 06/04/2018 06:27

Next time she does it just say ‘DH can do it’, no need to say it rudely or anything. If you feel awkward, then dash off to the loo or something as you say it, to make it seems less pointed. No big deal!

BendydickCuminsnatch · 06/04/2018 06:28

X post. Well that is irritating. I’d just keep saying that DH can do it, but then I’m a stubborn caaaaah.

BoomBoomsCousin · 06/04/2018 06:31

You could just point her to DH Daffodillia. She's living her experience of life, you wouldn't be rude to live your experience of life.

Alternatively, would it work to make DH do lots of "man" things - like carrying all the cases, driving (so you can drink), taking the kids to the park for a run around, going to the bar to buy rounds of drinks (I guess this isn't to common a scenario with young kids though!), any other thing you don't want to do that you can dress up as "man" duties.

Original poster
Daffodillia · 06/04/2018 06:31

Well we’re on the last day now, grateful to be going home!

When they visit us next time and I cook I’m tempted to ask her to dish out dh’s Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Daffodillia · 06/04/2018 06:33

Great idea boom boom seeing as dh finds this so hilarious.
I will throw back lots of ‘man’ duties at him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daffodillia · 06/04/2018 06:35

I might even ask eldest dc to dish up his own! He’s 8, and I’ve often had to direct questions from mil to him. Such as mil: ‘would ds like carrots?’ Me: I’m not sure mil. Ds, would you like carrots?’

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 06/04/2018 06:39

Next time you visit, you could pretend that you've given up looking after the DC and every time she asks you about them say - "Oh. I'm not sure. DH does all that now. DH, MIL needs you." Then scratch your crotch and burp.

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