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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated by this?... MIL related.

175 replies

Daffodillia · 06/04/2018 05:44

So we’re staying at mil house. To be fair to her she’s done a lot of the cooking whilst Dh and I chill out. I’ve offered to help but She insists she’s okay.

The thing that irritates me is that when it’s time to serve up she always asks ME to serve the dc’s food up. Which is fine, she doesn’t want to get the portions wrong. BUT she never asks DH!

Now DH is a very capable person, we’re pretty equal when it comes to household stuff, including cooking. But she never asks him!

I was even on the toilet upstairs yesterday and DH was in the kitchen. She walked straight past him and called up to me to come serve the dc’s food!

My dh finds it hilarious, (it’s kind of become an in joke between the 2 of us) and refuses to offer just to wind me up!

I find it sexist, dh finds it old fashioned.

AIBU that it pisses me off?!

OP posts:
Sittinonthefloor · 06/04/2018 08:26

She is respecting you as a guest and mother of her dgcs by asking you. I'd be mightily pissed off if my MIL asked my DH all child related stuff, that would make you feel like she thought you were useless and not included as a family member!

CanIBuffalo · 06/04/2018 08:27

Oops
To see her behaviour and your reactions to it.
I hope you don't just take the easy route and play let's all roll our eyes at the silly old lady game.

Notonthestairs · 06/04/2018 08:27

If it bothers you why isn't your DH dishing up?

FreshHorizons · 06/04/2018 08:29

Perhaps she sees you as 'senior' parent. Having seen a thread where a woman gets twitchy if her DH holds their baby for more than 30 mins and won't allow him to go out alone with the pram for 10mins, never mind change a nappy - there is no way she would allow him to decide on what the child will eat at his mother's house! So many people in the thread see this as normal behaviour!! MIL may be 70yrs but plenty on MN have the same attitudes when they are half her age!

Original poster
Daffodillia · 06/04/2018 08:36

Not really can I’m just struggling to understand why people are getting more worked up over it than I am

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/04/2018 08:37

I'd not put up with DH carrying on the "joke" - I'd point out that he's a perfectly capable parent and can do it himself just as well as you can.
I'd not at all be happy with him carrying on the way he is because he finds it hilarious.
Or, maybe, you could turn the tables on him at YOUR parents - get them to ask HIM to do everything for the children, even though you're just sitting there - see how fucking funny he finds it then.

CanIBuffalo · 06/04/2018 08:38

Actually I'd be really pissed off if your DH were my son. I'd hate to think that I was irritating my DIL and I'd see it as his responsibility to have a word with me about it.

Original poster
Daffodillia · 06/04/2018 08:41

sittin it’s not about being equally asked. It’s about her making to effort to walk past dh, who is in the kitchen, and find me to ask me. When I’m nowhere to be seen.
I have no issues being asked generally.

I think I’ve been here too long. I’m being fussed on and it’s stifling. Mil:
Would you like me to put the heating on? Me: no thank you. Mil: I’ll put it on for you. Me: no it’s fine. Mil: Hang on, I’ll just see if I can figure it out. She then calls fil. Mil:‘Daff wants the heating on’ me: no I’m fine, leave it. Fil: getting all cross because mil can’t figure the heating out. They argue, fil grumbles. Me: walks out and hides upstairs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daffodillia · 06/04/2018 08:43

But she knows he can! thumb he’s a sahp

OP posts:
Pleasebeafleabite · 06/04/2018 08:45

Mashing and carving are skills and time consuming

Better not done by the cook who has the rest of the serving up to do

If her DH is an expert through years of practice why not call him to do it

Better than bits in the mash or hunks of chewy meat

You sound sneery OP

Ginslinger · 06/04/2018 08:49

I think that she is probably being very careful to acknowledge that you are their mother and that you make the decisions. I get that it's annoying and that your DH is just as capable but there doesn't seem to be an malice there, just annoyance. At least she's asking you, hang on to that.

Original poster
Daffodillia · 06/04/2018 08:49

Mashing’s not a skill! Or time consuming Confused

OP posts:
Fluffyears · 06/04/2018 08:50

I would just have shouted back ‘i’m In the loo DH will do it!’

Original poster
Daffodillia · 06/04/2018 08:50

Oh yes there’s no malice gin and it does come from a good place. But when I’m having a wee, it’d be nice not to be disturbed

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/04/2018 08:55

I couldn't get het up over this. Someone who has put me up and fed me for however many days could ask me to dish up for my dc all they like.

Pleasebeafleabite · 06/04/2018 08:56

My household clearly has higher mash standards than you OP

I always call a member of the family to mash while I dish up, male or female

If you come across to your mil like you do on this thread I can see why she is being careful around you

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/04/2018 08:58

Oh yes, I'm sure she knows he can, and he can - the point is that she will be doing exactly what your MIL is doing - directing him to it all the time, even though you are there and equally capable!

BouleBaker · 06/04/2018 08:59

It’s such a generational thing but I find it difficult too. My MIL is lovely, but if we are all in the same house and DH starts doing any task that she sees as “woman’s work” then she will literally run through the house to do it for him. She just can’t cope with the idea of men being capable around the house at all!

CisPinkHoodie · 06/04/2018 09:00

You asked if this happens to other people.

Of course it does. It probably happens to millions of people because that has been the division of roles in our society
I understand it's irritating for you, but as others have implied, you DH has the most power to get the message through to your MIL that he takes a share in things his own father did not.

That's irritating to, but it's all part of the same picture.

So I agree with others. If this is to change at all, it won't be because of what you say or do; it will be because of what your DH says or does.

BasilThirty · 06/04/2018 09:02

If you're husband finds it so funny and refuses to stop her doing it despite how much it annoys you (it would me too), he's sexist himself as well as being an immature twat.

mamansnet · 06/04/2018 09:02

OP, i consider you to be one of the lucky ones - I'd be glad if my MIL deferred to me over anything!! Mine is a monumental PITA who completely takes over, refuses to let me do anything, then tells me I'm idle. FIL and DH don't stand up for me, probably because it suits them that "the men don't do the work in this house".

I've been almost NC with her since we had a massive argument a few months ago, during which she accused me of "dumping my baby in order to work". (DS was in the garden with DH and herself, while I was upstairs doing nursery and swimming lesson admin.) I've told DH I'll never forgive her for that one. But she probably thinks childcare is women's work too and I had no right to even ask golden boy DH to mind him.

She and FIL are coming to stay in our house next weekend for the first time ever and I've been stressing about it for weeks. I'm hoping she's going to behave, because they've realised that the more she pisses me off, the less they will see of DS. Because DH can't possibly take him to visit them without me...

Sigh.

CisPinkHoodie · 06/04/2018 09:03

And BTW, don't blame your MIL for that, blame whoever raised her and your DH for having his cake and eating it.

PurpleBun · 06/04/2018 09:03

Haha! The heating thing! My MIL is very similar, although generally with food...

MIL: Would you like a sandwich?
Me: No, I'm fine thank you.
MIL: How about a packet of crisps?
Me: No thanks.
MIL: A slice of cake? Or a couple of biscuits? I've also got some fruit so I can make you a fruit salad.
Me: No, really, I'm okay thanks.
MIL: Well here's a drink and a packet of Maltesers then

I love her dearly, I just want her to relax and not worry!

CisPinkHoodie · 06/04/2018 09:05

And also (sorry, on a roll), give her some credit if you believe she had a hand in raising a son who is prepared to be such an equal partner in your relationship.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 06/04/2018 09:05

I mean, it’s a non issue, are you honestly that bored? It’s Easter holidays, go outside and chill the fuck out.