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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated by this?... MIL related.

175 replies

Daffodillia · 06/04/2018 05:44

So we’re staying at mil house. To be fair to her she’s done a lot of the cooking whilst Dh and I chill out. I’ve offered to help but She insists she’s okay.

The thing that irritates me is that when it’s time to serve up she always asks ME to serve the dc’s food up. Which is fine, she doesn’t want to get the portions wrong. BUT she never asks DH!

Now DH is a very capable person, we’re pretty equal when it comes to household stuff, including cooking. But she never asks him!

I was even on the toilet upstairs yesterday and DH was in the kitchen. She walked straight past him and called up to me to come serve the dc’s food!

My dh finds it hilarious, (it’s kind of become an in joke between the 2 of us) and refuses to offer just to wind me up!

I find it sexist, dh finds it old fashioned.

AIBU that it pisses me off?!

OP posts:
Frustratedboarder · 06/04/2018 13:39

I don't know what the dynamics are in your Pils house but speaking for my pil, mil Definitely considers herself the Matriarch and - bless her - thinks she knows best and should make All decisions.. especially parenting ones! For eg if someone asked fil something about a 'family' or pil matter and mil overheard she'd most certainly want the major say! Maybe she's just projecting out of kind respect, rather than because she doesn't think dh should be 'bothered by wifey matters'? 🤔 If she's got the wrong end of the stick maybe just gently point out that any such decisions or tasks can be handled by DH and you won't be offended?!

bananasandwicheseveryday · 06/04/2018 13:40

Maybe your MIL has read some of the outraged posts from DILs on MN - you know, the ones who complain if the MIL so much as breathes in the direction of GCs without first asking DIL's permission.

As for the mash thing, I am a lot younger than tour MIL, but have arthritis in my wrist joints and during a flare up, can hardly hold a Biro, let alone mash potatoes, so would ask Dh to do it for me. I also have to ask him to lift pans out of the oven, drain pasta etc. Nothing to do with being sexist or anything other than the limits my condition imposes upon me.

Original poster
Daffodillia · 06/04/2018 14:12

Oh yes allthewaves fil is like that too at Xmas, and then gets all pissed off for no reasons.

It is a dh problem, I understand that. But he doesn’t see it as an issue as we don’t live nearby. If it was happening every week then I’d be more pissed off with dh and mil than I am about it.
I think he would generally help out and take the lead more but t as it isn’t all the time I think he finds it more funny than irritating. But then it’s not him being asked al the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daffodillia · 06/04/2018 14:15

Oh banana my mil is lovely generally. I don’t have parents, and haven’t done since being a child. I think I just find ‘family’ life and being the daughter a bit stifling.

I understand that if you have a debilitating condition then fair enough. But mil makes a point of lifting my 8yr old up to prove that she still can!

OP posts:
bananasandwicheseveryday · 06/04/2018 17:13

Daffodillia, I'm glad your MIL is otherwise lovely - I wasn't having a pop at you, it's just that I've seen so many DILs post about what seem quite innocent situations and then everyone else piles in calling the MIL all sorts of names, telling them to go no etc. My own MIL has, unfortunately, not been ideal in many, many ways and I must admit, I am sometimes so desperate not to treat my dcs partners the way I have been, that I could see myself almost over compensating iyswim?

I'm sorry about your own family situation - it must be very hard for you at times. Flowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/04/2018 06:52

I think it's proper sexist too.
how in the name of holy does "playing with the dog" rank above "dishing out food for children" and "packing to go home"?! She's infantilising him!

I'm glad you made him do the packing at least, but I'd have just shouted down the stairs "DH! Your mum seems to think you're unable to dish up for the DC, could you just get on and do that so I can finish the packing please?"

Because, by giving in and going and doing it yourself, you've set the scene in stone now. She will go out of her way to avoid asking your DH to do anything like that, it's YOUR job and she's going to make sure you know it.

I'm glad she is lovely - but unless you want this to persist in every visit from now on, you do need to take a stand. Too late for this visit, sadly!

And apologies for assuming you had a mother you could try turning the tables on your DH with. Thanks

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/04/2018 07:47

The H is being sexist if we're flinging that old chestnut around. He's the one who thinks it's little wifey's job to serve his children's dinner.

And the OP lets him get away with it.

thornyhousewife · 07/04/2018 07:54

She's not being mean, she's being sweet.

How on earth can you take offense at this? She's cooked a meal for your children and is including you in serving it.

thornyhousewife · 07/04/2018 07:55

We is no one finding it sexist at all that your MIL is cooking every meal? That's fine is it? Just asking you to serve up for the kids is sexist and must be resisted?

What nonsense.

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2018 07:58

It would be lovely if Mumsnetters were as quick to call sexism on people other than MILs. We'd have the pay gap sorted in no time!

thornyhousewife · 07/04/2018 08:07

Yes, quite @bertandrussell

But not once in this thread has anyone acknowledged how sexist it is of everyone to let MIL cook for them every day.

People can't wait to feel offence, especially if perpetuated by their MIL.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/04/2018 08:25

Thorny MIL would probably be accused of being domineering and controlling in wanting to cook dinner all by herself Wink
Instead of letting her DIL and DS put their feet up while she takes care of themselves

Original poster
Daffodillia · 07/04/2018 10:11

thumb I would have loved to do that! But I didn’t want to rock the boat. As people have said on here. I need to be grateful. (Which I am btw)

She does it all the time! Always has done but for some reason (I think it’s the shit weather and being stuck in someone else’s house) it’s got to me more!

OP posts:
Original poster
Daffodillia · 07/04/2018 10:12

He doesn’t though great As I’ve said before, we parent equally. It’s his mil who can’t see this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daffodillia · 07/04/2018 10:14

I didn’t say she was being mean thorny

I’ve also tried to offer to cook thorny as has dh, but she’s having none of it! Fil never ever offers.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/04/2018 10:14

You're not parenting equally if he won't dish up!

Original poster
Daffodillia · 07/04/2018 14:43

Do you tally everything up over the year great to ensure it’s all equal?.... Just because he didn’t dish up at his dm’s house doesn’t mean he doesn’t do his fair share generally to ensure equal parenting.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/04/2018 14:48

But he knows this annoys you. You're getting cross with the wrong person imo.

Before you go to MILs you could say to him that you'd like him to dish up and not have his mum annoying you.

pigsDOfly · 07/04/2018 14:54

Poor bloody MIL.

She's having you to stay, cooking all the meals, giving you and DH a restful break and still she can't do right because she asked you to put your dcs' food on the plate because she's probably not sure how much to give them. She's clearly massively sexist and an utter bitch!

Or perhaps this is how things were for her generation and maybe she is try to be polite and respectful by deferring to you rather than just asking her son.

Doesn't take much to irritate you, does it?

TeknoGran · 07/04/2018 19:26

Give her some slack! You are their mother and she is giving you control over what your kids eat! If she piled their plates up and insisted they ate it all you would be complaining. If she asked your do to do it you would complain that she doesn’t ask you.

caringcarer · 07/04/2018 21:06

I would smile at MiL and say just let dh dish dc food up he is so good at it as he does it a lot at home. He is so good at washing up too.

Picoloangel · 07/04/2018 21:22

I get why it’s irritating but I would love it if this is all my MIL did to irritate me. Mine makes Livia Soprano look like a model MIL 😬

Redinthefacegirl · 07/04/2018 21:23

I think you all sound kinda lovely. I don't think you sound bitchy, it would get to me by the end of a stay if it interrupted things.

I reckon DH and I would be the opposite. I'd play along jokingly and DH would get wound up at being considered the less capable parent. We split work and childcare 50/50 and he hates if people always defer to me.

RadioGaGoo · 07/04/2018 21:38

I see the MIL sympathisers all got the call to arms around the same time.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/04/2018 21:46

Or maybe they just didn't agree with the OP Radiogagoo?

Do you just agree with a poster no matter what the issue is regarding her MIL then?

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