AIBU to feel uncomfortable being separated from baby

[GrumpyPantz]

I feel uncomfortable about anyone except DH holding my 2 month old baby. Even then 30 mins is about my max until I want her back in my arms. I'm just about at the point where I can stand to have my mother hold her for 10 minutes. When anyone else holds her I feel twitchy and watch them like a hawk, looking for any excuse to grab her back. AIBU?

Imo she's too young to be away from me for any period of time. DH wants to take her out for 3-4 hours by himself and is calling me selfish because I said no. He took her out once before and I felt weepy and stressed, and after a bit I started repeatedly calling his mobile because I wanted my baby back NOW. He keeps saying she's his child as well and I can't make him understand how every fibre of my being screams out when my baby is more than a few feet away from me.

Am I selfish? AIBU to refuse to let DH take her out on his own until she's older?

Angryburd, I think people are more saying hours away from the op is too much.

It’s nice your DH wants to spend time with her but why on his own? I think it’s too early for that

Words finally fail me reading this. Too early for a Dad to spend time alone with his own child?? WTF!

Some people just feel more intensely about their babies. I'm exactly the same and I have four...I was no less attached to the fourth one as I was to the first! I can relate to the MIL thing too: it's incredibly threatening and you're in primal mode protecting your tiny baby. What those relatives of yours can mean by saying you're feeding her too much so they can't hold her I have no idea! At the end of the day she is YOUR baby not theirs. They have no implicit right to separate your from her. Also the immediate connection between wanting to keep hold of your baby and having PND is a bit pre emptive so don't feel bad about that. You may not feel quite yourself but as someone else mentioned, you're still massively hormonal. I personally didn't put any of mine down before they were three months old and hated them being out of my sight. These feelings will calm down so don't feel rushed and talk to your DH about it....explain that you're behaving in ways that are beyond your control, responding to a primal need to protect your child. Also explain that it may not be quite necessary but this is your parenting MO while she is so small. And I can promise that once she's chattering away all day long and walking she'll be creating total mayhem in your life and you'll be glad of the odd hour of alone time here and there. Have faith in yourself OP :) xxx

3-4 hours is far too long at that age if ebf. Especially if going a distance and you’d have a distressed crying baby all the way home.

Refusing to hand a crying newborn (presumably only days old or younger if in hospital) back to its mother and father is just cruel.

OP, my second is 8 weeks and goes where I go. Ebf so will be like that until he’s a good few months older. My first is 2 now and not having 1-1 time with dad from day 1 hasn’t come between them the tiniest bit. She also loves her gp, despite us not seeing them much as living 4+ hrs away.

I don’t really get the need for 1-1 time with a baby. Mine have both always been happier to be held by others longest when I’ve been close by. So happy with GP for a good while when I’m easily accessible, but wouldn’t be if I went out of the room for ages.

OP, I have a lot of milk, exactly as you describe. If I haven’t fed for a couple hours it’s uncomfortable and agitating. I feel your pain.

I think we expect a lot from new mothers when we send them home hours after a physically exhausting and sometimes traumatic experience to a life of sleep deprivation with leaflets full of scary things and expect them to just breeze through it.

Shes tiny still! I would think it was odd to see a baby of that age without their mum and wonder if they were struggling to bond

^ GF post of the day! DS was only BF or had a bottle of expressed milk - for the latter DH used to take him out for Saturday breakfast from about 5 weeks old so I could sleep in. Nobody batted an eyelid and I assure you that we bonded extremely well (and DH has a lovely bond with DS too).

OP I know it must be hard but it really isn't normal not to want your DH to have 1-2-1 time with your DD - she's his daughter too. Maybe make a GP appt about your anxiety? I agree with you re your MIL though, refusing to give a crying newborn back is bonkers and cruel.

I don't like MIL. She's been awful to me in the past so I never see her. DH disagrees that his mum has been awful to me, he won't hear a word said against her even though her behaviour was disgusting. I don't like DH taking DD out because I know he's taking her to visit MIL and I don't trust her. She's very selfish. When she refused to let go of DD in the hospital because she wanted to hold her even though DD wanted to be fed, DH wouldn't take the baby away from his mother and when I got up to take the baby he shook his head at me like "don't!" Because it would cause a scene if MIL didn't get her own way. I'm worried DH won't put DD first because he dare not go against his mother, she will do whatever she wants with my baby and DH won't stop her and I won't be there.

Ive offered to swallow my hatred of MIL and let her visit DD at our house but that isn't good enough for DH. He think the atmosphere would be uncomfortable for his mother because we don't get on. And I'm not welcome at MILs house. He insists he has to take DD to MILs house without me so she can see her without having to put up with my presence. Personally I wouldn't care if DD never saw MIL but DH is determined to force a relationship with his awful mother.

I had an ex MIL and ex like that. Finally snapped when she took my kids off and had their hair cut without my permission. All their baby curls.

I felt like you do for a long time, OP. If I saw someone else holding them I wanted to growl and them and snatch my baby back. I hated people coming over or even touching them.

Sounds like a few issues going on with you and DH tbh

It's all massively magnified when you are knackered

Has she actually said you aren't welcome?

That sounds like a great routine, @hedgehog. I tried so hard to get my first to take a bottle of expressed milk and she had none of it. I wish I hadn’t tried for so long and may not bother with my son. DP never felt like he was missing out, though, probably because I found bf excruciating for weeks and was often uncomfortable with too much milk so he thought he was getting off easy with only having nappy changes to worry about.

I think if mil won’t come to you, or let you go there then she has to accept that there’s no way of seeing the baby. Your DH shouldn’t be indulging her at the expense of a baby who will be hungry and distressed.

While I agree OP seems a bit over anxious re people/DH holding her baby when she is there I think people are making a bit of a leap saying that because she/other mums doesn’t want an 8 week old ebf baby going away for 3/4h at a time her DH/other DHs will never bond/never become an equal parent in the future.

Thousands and thousands of ebf babies (including mine) only get left for an hour or two before weaning, then maybe 3/4 hours once they are eating food and then by age 1 they get left with daddy/gran/nursery all day perfectly happily.

And not everyone wants to/can ‘just express’...if she doesn’t want to then that’s as bad as telling someone they should ff or bf against their wishes. It’s telling women what to do with their bodies.

Wow, OP what a horrible situation to be in! But do not let DH take your baby to your MIL's for 2/3 hours without you. You must put your foot down now and make the offer again of MIL coming to your house. She's going to have to get over feeling uncomfortable because you're the new mother now and your DD needs to be with you and because she's a grown woman ffs. Babies that small aren't interested in anyone but their mothers particularly breastfed ones so DD isn't going to care about who she does or doesn't see. All that will come later...so anyone who's pushing to get a hold of her is doing so for their needs not hers. You just have to TELL THEM how it is now....it seems like they've just been walking all over you until now and your DH needs to grow the hell up now he's a parent too!

DH wants me to express so he can take DD out for longer. I explained the negative effect on our bf relationship and he said he doesn't care if I bf, I'm the one who insists on doing it. He also said (on more than one occasion) that my feelings are irrelevant because I didn't even want DD ( I suffered PND in the early days and confided in DH that I was overwhelmed and feeling like I didn't want the baby because I couldn't cope, and he keeps throwing it back in my face when we argue).

Between 10pm bedtime and when DH gets home at 7pm the following night I look after DD. While DH works all day and sleeps all night (says he can't look after DD at night because he needs unbroken sleep for work). Even in those 3hrs he texts and watches tv etc while I bf. If DD cries during dinner he just keeps eating and I have to put my plate down. Then suddenly he wants her for an entire afternoon. He doesn't want to take her out for himself. He wants to take her out for his mother. And I'm not allowed to go.

This thread has made me realise that it's not so much about DH taking DD out as it is about taking her to MIL and letting her do whatever she wants because she has to be pandered to otherwise she goes off on one.

Expressing works brilliantly for some. My friend did a bottle a day so her DH could do a bottle late evening, meaning she got a decent chunk of sleep.

I tried for months and it was a load of trouble for nothing. I never got her to take a bottle and already made loads of milk so could have done without creating extra demand by pumping. If you’d rather just bf then that’s fine. No one should be pressuring you to bf, not bf, or express.

Ah. So the problem is your h. He's not on your side, is he?

Is he a mummy's boy?

That's only going to get worse.

His ludicrous argument about bf-ing is bonkers, you know that, don't you?

Ask him why he's not interested in dd all the other times but only when his dear mama is involved?

The lack of respect here for your choices as a new mother is quite astounding. You must feel pretty powerless.

And your feelings most certainly are not irrelevant!

You sound selfish. It's his baby to and what about his feelings

Hmmm bit of a drip feed of info here OP.

But, to your comment about PND: Have you received any treatment? It doesn't go away on its own; it needs actively managing. I would urge you to talk to your doctor.

You need to put your foot down with MIL. You don't like each other and that's fair enough, people don't always get along. But she shouldn't be going against your/your DH's wishes with your child.

My MIL, who is a lovely woman, got a bit too interfering with DS1. Giving him herbal tea and bread at 3 months old, taking him off without telling us or saying where she was going, etc. When it was raised with her, she said we were over-reacting. I said that if she ever wanted to look after DS again, she wouldn't ignore our wishes. Not had a problem since.

YANBU, it's normal IMO for an ebf baby, they won't want to be away from their mum for long at 2 months. They still think they are part of you at that age (4th trimester).

Not going to read the whole thread but agree with pps that it's natural and instinctual and that your baby needs to be with you to feed.
I was not an anxious mum but I would get very twitchy after about 5 minutes of anyone holding my newborn DS (for a few months) and get him back.

I don't think this level of anxiety is normal, at all, (although your later posts about EBF and being away 3-4 hours, is indeed to long) and am shocked that so many posters have said it's ok. I do not think it is and would advise you to speak to your GP about your anxiety.

Panic:
"Almost everyone has acknowledged her anxiety is too much. "

No. I disagree. Many many posters have said it's ok/natural/they felt the same.

I, like Delta find it very shocking that so many posters are condoning/encouraging this/presenting it as any way normal.

The op isn't selfish. Her dh shows zero interest in the baby unless it's to take her round to his mummy.

It's normal when you don't trust the people holding your baby, they are insupportive and won't listen to you (for example when you ask for baby back). Also, the baby is only 8 weeks, it's not a 9 months old.

Yanbu. And your last post confirms to me that yanbu. He sounds horrendous, have you got any support?

(I had huge anxiety issues when DS was tiny, I have an anxiety disorder. I couldn't leave him at all until he was six months old. But your DH is not putting your DD or you first, so what he, and by extension, your MIL wants, is completely fucking irrelevant.)

Unsupportive*