AIBU to feel uncomfortable being separated from baby

[GrumpyPantz]

I feel uncomfortable about anyone except DH holding my 2 month old baby. Even then 30 mins is about my max until I want her back in my arms. I'm just about at the point where I can stand to have my mother hold her for 10 minutes. When anyone else holds her I feel twitchy and watch them like a hawk, looking for any excuse to grab her back. AIBU?

Imo she's too young to be away from me for any period of time. DH wants to take her out for 3-4 hours by himself and is calling me selfish because I said no. He took her out once before and I felt weepy and stressed, and after a bit I started repeatedly calling his mobile because I wanted my baby back NOW. He keeps saying she's his child as well and I can't make him understand how every fibre of my being screams out when my baby is more than a few feet away from me.

Am I selfish? AIBU to refuse to let DH take her out on his own until she's older?

Op you sound vvv anxious. yabu especially re dh. Its his baby too. Even if new born yabu but baby is two months. However its a normal respond. Baby has to develop relationships with everyone in the family. Can you talk to dh or dm or hv about your feelings and maybe slowly build time up they hold your baby. Hugs as those first few months are hard work but amazing x

It has nothing to do with bf. Yes it's a lovely bond and a very special time, but plenty of women ebf and still manage to let others hold their baby without too much anxiety, just as plenty of women who bottle feed will struggle to hand them over for longer than 10 mins.

Yes, yes of course, I forgot we're in the era of post-facts and tired of experts.

Are you also an anti-vaxxer?

You haven't cited any facts or experts yet. You've pointed to a vague wealth of information that I assume you found online but aren't willing to share.

No I'm not an anti-vaxxer and I have no idea where you got that from 🤔

Yanbu.
I was like this with both of mine and they now have a lovely bond with all family members and are very sociable.
Babies are supposed to be with mum.

Personally I don't think your reaction is normal and I don't think it will be healthy for you or the child going forwards. She's not your favourite toy that you don't want to share. She's a little human who needs to have relationships/interactions with other people/relatives. Only being able to let your mum hold her for 10 minutes isn't normal.

Also nothing worse than than mummy-moron brigade cheering on anxiety under the guise of mama bear maternal instincts.

Of course is it normal to want to be close to your young baby. Feeling anxious when the child's father holds her for 10 minutes is not. However you try to spin it.

Delta I’m not denying that oxytocin promotes a fathers bonding but this shouldn’t be at the expense of the mothers feelings. As a mother who is ebf she is the primary caregiver. To be quite frank many mothers will not have bonded with their babies by 8 weeks, I was still working on it with lots of b/f and close contanct, and had my dh taken her off for hours at a time that would have been very interfering. Plenty of cuddles in the home with mother close by fine, taking baby away if mum isn’t comfortable not fine. I also had high anxiety, family history of severe mental illness (I’m quite glad I wasn’t on MN at that time) yet I didn’t have or go on to have pnd so please let’s stop that being the default reaction to anything a new mum happens to be feeling. Yes awareness is good but jumping to conclusions over an Internet forum is not necessary.

LovingLola Fri 06-Apr-18 08:29:34. Why is the MIL getting all the blame here?. She was not mentioned once in the OP's post

Try reading her second post.

reshHorizons Fri 06-Apr-18 08:32:3. Good grief AnnieAnoniMouser I am glad that you are not my mother!

Why? Do you regularly hold onto crying newborn babies for 20 minutes when the Mum wants them back?

Father’s can be helpful and involved to bond at home. They can cuddle, bath, talk & bond with the baby in their home. They don’t need to take an 8 week, EBF baby away from it’s Mum for hours. It has nothing to do with trust.

Also nothing worse than than mummy-moron brigade cheering on anxiety under the guise of mama bear maternal instincts.

Almost everyone has acknowledged her anxiety is too much.

' mummy moron brigade ' - nice.

Only one moron I see on his thread tbh.

I think this is two separate issues.

1. You are not being unreasonable to say DP can't take an ebf baby away for 3 or 4 hours. MIL sounds awful and DP needs to deal with her.

1. I think you are being slightly anxious about other people holding baby for 10 mins while you are in the room. Definitely worth speaking to HV about how you feel I think. I agree with a PP, let DP take baby out for half an hour walk straight after a feed so you know baby isn't hungry. You can have a shower or just a hot cup of tea and relax. Build up gradually as baby gets older.

OP, I felt the same with my PFB! I also breastfed... you feelings are totally normal. I'd worry, based on your comment about interfering MIL, that she might take it upon herself to give your EBF baby a bottle of formula while your DH was visiting for 3-4 hours... How else would a 2-month-old infant cope without being fed for that LONG? And then there's the risk of mastitis for you! I think your DH needs educating about the fourth trimester... and it sounds like he doesn't have good boundaries with his own mother. You may have a DH problem. Trust your instincts. You're doing brilliantly!

You assume I found online?

I didn't, as I said earlier, my doctoral research was on the oxytocin receptor. Now, I don't claim to be an expert on the behavioural role of the hormone as I was primarily concerned with the atomic structure of it's receptor. However, as part of my background research, I read many articles on it's role in pair-bonding and the role in bonding between males and children.

I'm not going to dig out my thesis to find the references, or spend hours trying to search and link to the online articles (to which you'll likely only have access to the abstract anyway unless you work in research).

'I'd worry, based on your comment about interfering MIL, that she might take it upon herself to give your EBF baby a bottle of formula while your DH was visiting for 3-4 hours... '

Bloody hell

@paniconthestreetsofdreams

I think you'll find it was you who commenced with internet moron insults. I was merely responding in kind.

And to clarify, I agree that not wanting DH to take a young, BF baby out alone for hours is not on. On this the OP is NBU.

Where I think she is being unreasonable is by getting anxious about the child's own father holding her for more than a few minutes. Not MIL, or others, but the child's own father! That is not normal.

I very likely would have access, thanks! Feel free to send if you find it.

So the 'wealth of information' you were referring to was actually your own thesis, which you acknowledge has nothing to do with the issue except in a very abstract way, and instead has been mentioned to show that you, in fact, are not a moron. Fair enough.

Unfortunately you are still wrong. Not allowing the husband to take the baby away from its mother for three hours at 8 weeks old will not cause an insecure attachment between father and child. Suggesting that it would will not help the poster's anxiety. I would cite my own doctoral research to back up this point but it has about as much relevance to attachment theory as yours does.

@Pengggwn what part of the 'intense physical process' creates the bond, do you think? Interested to hear your views.

First time my MIL held my PFB I thought I was going to throw up!

Obviously to do with how I felt about her at the tie.

Irrational I know, but you can't help how you feel-but the key is to recognise it as not right & not give in.

Can your husband be trusted to bring her back in time for a feed?

He doesn't sound very supportive.

Delta G- Where I think she is being unreasonable is by getting anxious about the child's own father holding her for more than a few minutes. Not MIL, or others, but the child's own father! That is not normal.

Op's post: I feel uncomfortable about anyone except DH holding my 2 month old baby.

You may have a PHD but your reading comprehension is not very good. Leave the poor woman alone and stop judging her based on your own sense of self-aggrandisement.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that any feelings post birth are post-natal depression. But feeling anxious anytime anyone else holds your baby, including their own father, is not normal or just attributable to the 'baby blues'. I had horrendous PND - I was anxious and terrified all the time, nothing stopped it, I couldn't eat or sleep, it was horrendous. The OP's level of anxiety over her partner holding their own child sounds similar. OP, talk to your HV and doctor, as PPs have said, and explain how you are feeling. They'll be able to offer you as much help and support as you need and want.

OP you do sound a bit overly anxious if you can just about stand to have your own mother hold your baby for 10 mins.

My DD is 3 months and BF and DH hasn’t taken DD out by herself. However, he does look after her whilst I am in the bath. Maybe this is something your DH could do? DH looked after DD for the first time by himself at the weekend as I went out and had breakfast with a friend. I was gone for 90 minutes max and DD slept on daddy for the whole time.

Your DH needs to speak to his mum and that refusing to give the baby back was unacceptable.

@paniconthestreetsofdreams

That isn't what I'm claiming.

I am not saying that the father needs to take the child out for hours alone, otherwise the result will be an insecurely-attached baby.

I am saying that if the OP cannot let the father even hold the child for more than about 10 minutes (and by extension that obviously includes bathing, soothing, playing), then it does risk disrupting the pair-bond formation between father and child.

Note I said 'pair-bond'. It's a two way thing and not just about the child's bond with it's father, but also the father's bond with the child. Currently the OP is denying this due to her anxiety.

Both my DC were EBF but that included expressed breast milk from a bottle. LIke the OP imhad lots of milk and there was always a row of little expressed bags lined up in the freezer. That was really important to us as it meant that their dad and grandparents got the pleasure and bonding of the occasional cuddle and feed.

Someone else has said something similar upthread but if you push your DH aside now and insist that you do things with the baby your way and only your way, you risk alienating him permanently. His parental rights matter as much as yours, he needs to take responsibility just as much as you do. You can't treat him as a detached onlooker and then expect him to step up as a dad.

And your MIL sounds like a cow, but the grandparent relationship is important in children's lives. You don't have a good relationship with her but that doesn't mean your daughter can't have a better one.

You sound very loving and protective OP, but your child doesn't need protecting from her dad. Express some milk and let your him take your daughter to see his mum.

I feel for the baby’s father; it must be tough to feel like the second class parent

@JudIII

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, eh?

She says later on the even her DH holding her causes her anxiety.