AIBU to feel uncomfortable being separated from baby

[GrumpyPantz]

I feel uncomfortable about anyone except DH holding my 2 month old baby. Even then 30 mins is about my max until I want her back in my arms. I'm just about at the point where I can stand to have my mother hold her for 10 minutes. When anyone else holds her I feel twitchy and watch them like a hawk, looking for any excuse to grab her back. AIBU?

Imo she's too young to be away from me for any period of time. DH wants to take her out for 3-4 hours by himself and is calling me selfish because I said no. He took her out once before and I felt weepy and stressed, and after a bit I started repeatedly calling his mobile because I wanted my baby back NOW. He keeps saying she's his child as well and I can't make him understand how every fibre of my being screams out when my baby is more than a few feet away from me.

Am I selfish? AIBU to refuse to let DH take her out on his own until she's older?

Shes tiny still! I would think it was odd to see a baby of that age without their mum and wonder if they were struggling to bond.

Some people posting on here will go against OPs just to have something to be confrontational about.
The people sticking up for the MIL, who on earth holds onto a crying newborn who is not even out of hospital yet for 20 minutes.

OP if I didn't trust or feel comfortable about someone they would not be alone with my baby.
And if MIL isn't able to get on with you enough to visit then she doesn't get to have a young breastfed baby taken over to play with she can either come and visit the family or miss out.

FWIW, some people commenting probably formula fed so will be used to babies being happy to go with anyone and able to go hours between feeds.
All 3 DC needed to get to 4-5 months mimimum before DP was able to settle them without needing to call me into the room to feed them. While they're young they cant understand needing to wait, if they need a feed then they need you there.

She says later on the even her DH holding her causes her anxiety.

She doesn't. She says that she doesn't want him to take the baby for a few hours because of her MIL.

OP, I hope you're okay.

Oh my fucking god @BubblesAndSquarks. So much wrong with your post.

1. I'd suggest you don't judge every baby you see without their mother as 'struggling to bond.' That's ridiculous.

2. what the hell are you insinuating with this comment: used to babies being happy to go with anyone?

FF babies aren't like fucking fish, who can be palmed off to anyone without noticing. They actually bond with their parents too! Shock, horror!

FWIW, I EBF but the amount of misinformation regarding FF babies on this thread is astounding!

@JudIII

FGS, she does, in her very next sentence where she says;

I feel uncomfortable about anyone except DH holding my 2 month old baby. Even then 30 mins is about my max until I want her back in my arms.

8 weeks is very young and you are probably exhausted and overwhelmed. I totally felt like this with my MIL (who I now have a fantastic relationship with-but it took a long time to work through) You have spent the last 8 weeks forming a huge bond with this tiny human who is completely reliant on you and your hormones are crazy. It will all settle, but allow yourself time. Lots of lovely points have already been raised and no of course the dad not taking an 8 week old out for a few hours will not have a detrimental effect on their relationship. Everyone is different and whilst some people are happy with this, you at this time, are not. That is absolutely fine.
I'd also agree that anything over 1.5 hours is risky with a breastfed baby (in the case of my children anything over 30 minutes was risky!!) and I hated pumping so don't feel forced into that -if you don't want to.
Personally I think this is control of your baby and emotions. You are worried he will take her to his mums, and perhaps his mum is hassling him. I'd try to put some control over that situation to reduce that fear. If he walks round the park with her for 40 mins, you can build your confidence up, but maybe you need to explain to your husband that you want your MIL's contact to be at your house. I appreciate you may not want this but you have to decide what is the lesser evil, the thought he will run off and take the baby to her or overseeing the contact for now, whilst you build up confidence. You can explain to him that whilst it might seem a bit irrational at the moment, all these feelings are normal and will pass and you need to feel respected and supported. Or you insist that you both visit her together. With our first we did this anyway.
We all parent differently and you should not be made to feel wrong for navigating this intense and overwhelming time in your own way.
Thinking about it, I've actually never left my 2 yr old for longer than 3 hours. It's not an issue, it's life. Her relationship with her dad and grandparents is fine. In fact she's a daddy's girl. X

AIBU to refuse to let DH take her out on his own until she's older?

Sorry, and I mean this in the nicest possible way but WTF?

You can't 'let' him do anything, he's her father and he doesn't need your permission.

Your anxiety is way out of control. I would mention it to your HV or GP when you see them to try and find some ways to rein it in and control it rather than letting it control you.

Thanks for clarifying where you got that impression from but I don't think that alone is enough for you make the inferances you have been making and then call everyone else that disagrees with you 'mummy morons'.

If the OP is struggling with abnormal levels of anxiety, we should try being supportive instead of bashing her down and telling her she's ruining the baby's relationship with it's father. That's not help someone if they already on a path to severe anxiety or PND.

I'm trying not to turn this thread into bunfight, because the OP might not have anyone they can talk to in rl. Sharing her fears here may help her relax more and release the tension bit by bit.

Other posters have made useful suggestions on how that can be achieved.

I agree Rachie1973 - 'let him' shouldn't be a word used when you are parents. Men are too easy going sometimes- they don't like to upset the woman but really they need to refuse to be sidelined from day 1. It is a credit to them that they put up with possessive behaviour - perhaps they hope it will change with time. I hope that it does in OP's case. I should mention it to the GP.

You do sound anxious, but your dh getting cross and calling you selfish won't be helping. Just tell him 3/4 hours is too long at the moment due to her feeding patterns and come up with other ways he can get involved. Tell him that ebf babies generally feed on demand while they're so little and that she'll absolutely need a feed within that time. Also mention that you'll be full of milk and really uncomfortable. It's not selfish to want your ebf baby near you while she's so little. I think I would worry they'd be planning to give her a bottle. Nothing wrong with that in itself of course, except if your plan is to continue to ebf, in which case it's not on.

You need to talk to him more about it, and find out why he specifically wants you excluded in his plans. There are ways he can bond (baths/ short walks/ sling) without needing you away from the baby for hours at a time and you need to talk about this with him.

Please ignore the comments saying you have issues. It's very early days. By all means speak to gp or hv if you feel it will help, they will reassure you you are completely normal and adjusting. You are coping with this new life brilliantly. With a breastfed baby the father should not expect to just take a baby out for long periods, either he supports you breastfeeding or he doesn't. it's a completely full time job and so tiring. Some comments on here are just ridiculous. If your baby was 12 months it would be a bit more concerning but 8 weeks is not

@JudIII

You're right, we should be helping the OP.
My comment about morons was in direct response to the insinuation that I myself was one.

I don't want to scare off the OP or make her feel worse than she does already. I was just trying to point out that it's not normal anxiety and can have consequences for others too if it carries on.

I've had PND myself with my first son, 2 years ago. I had high anxiety because of it too and in fact my psychiatrist said it's as much about anxiety as depression, despite the name.

Sorry but YABU. I am not coming on here to add to the op bashers it's not fair. But just consider all of the posts on here about my DH won't take DC to park/spend alone time/ "help" with childcare. In 2 years time OP this could be you. Kids should be allowed to bond with both parents I stop short of saying they need both because there are plenty of great single parents but if there are 2 willing parents they both deserve quality 1-1 time with DC from day one. My DH took our DS out for an hour when he was 6 days old I remember that sleep to this day. I also remember being at the hairdresser much longer than anticipated at 6 weeks (3.5 hours) and my DH had to learn to cope with a screaming hungry DS eventually deciding to use the expressed milk it really helped him to understand DS and helped them bond. He had him a day in his own from about 5 months every week until he was 4.5 and started school. They have a fantastic relationship. Don't stop your DH from having this option.
Hope you feel better about it soon

Normally I cringe at these stories of mad MILs and feckless fathers and PFBs but not this one. OP your instinct is to keep your baby close at all times. It's natural in all mammals for this to happen but some mothers have a stronger maternal instinct than others. I only have to look at my lambs and ewes in the field to see that. Some ewes stick with their lambs all the time and some wander off for quite long periods. Some ewes will try to pinch others' lambs. Your DH is being ridiculous taking your baby away for 3-4 hours. Why can't you go with him to visit MIL? Just grit your teeth. You should be acting as a team not playing silly games.

Yabu

YANBU

This is natural. I wouldn't have let my husband take my babies away from me for 3-4 hours while they were tiny and EBF. That's too long.

But I was able to relax a bit if I knew they were just going for a walk and he could bring them back to me quickly etc. You do need a break sometimes. I also was fine with him holding them instead of me - nice to have my arms free!! That will come to you in time though. Try and enjoy watching your husband and child bond, it's very important.

Shes tiny still! I would think it was odd to see a baby of that age without their mum and wonder if they were struggling to bond

Fuck right off with that bollocks. My baby is same age as op's. DP has taken her out alone many times. No bonding issues. Even my MIL has taken her for a couple of hours. Shock horror! She slept the whole bloody time.

Your feelings towards baby are natural but you are a little ott. Unless there's a huge backstory with MIL, I doubt she is the ogre she is being made out to be.

YADNBU.

There is absolutely no need for your DH to take your young baby away from the house for so long. He can spend time 1-on-1 with the baby in the house and bond perfectly well.

I think it's easy to underestimate the biological pull that new mothers have with their baby. EBF makes this so much stronger (on a chemical level) and means it's certainly doesn't benefit the baby to be apart from mum in those early months.

As for you MIL, the way she behaved at the hospital was appalling and your DH needs to seriously question himself about why he didn't stop his mother behaving that way. Both he and her have damaged your trust and that will take time to come back.

Keep doing what you're doing OP

I feel for you - I remember my sister wanting to push the pram of my first child and I refused - I remember saying "she's my baby" and I felt panicked that I wouldn't be pushing. My mum and her clearly thought I was being unreasonable & obsessive - now I look back I know I would have thought the same ! But at the time I didn't see it. It might be worth you chatting with the health visitor about how you're feeling - it could just be new mum nerves and will pass - I know mine did.

If the issue is around feeding then I don't think you're being that unreasonable. How does your DH expect to take her out for 3-4 hours at a time without being fed?

I was like that with mine and I didn't breastfeed. I think like others it stemmed from my MIL and SIL always taking the baby out of the room I was in when the held him. They purposely did this and I hated them for it. I couldn't wait to bath and change them so they didn't smell of their perfume.

DH thought I was irrational and nasty but it was a completely overwhelming biological need to be close to my babies when they were tiny.

YANBU I feel exactly like this and baby is 5m, my DH has had DS in the house in his own for a couple of hours but I would not be comfortable with hours off on his own with out me.

Do things on your terms, you've put in the hard work to grow this little Miracle - don't make yourself anxious unnecessarily, being a parent is hard enough.

YANBU. My baby is 10 months and anyone holding him should be prepared to give him back the second I decide he's had enough. Luckily he can make his feelings clear himself now

Not all mums are the same. Some like to be physically closer to their DC and that's fine. Nobody knows what your baby needs like you do.

I can't believe there are people on this thread saying that the baby is too young to be alone with her own FATHER? You know, the other parent???

No doubt these will be the same people tearing strips off of him in a few years time if he's a shit and distant dad.

For bloody hell’s sake, this is a thread where a new mother who is obviously feeling vulnerable is asking for advice and support - people using this as an opportunity to argue with each other with sarcastic retorts is quite frankly pathetic. Get over yourselves. It’s not about you. If you want to squabble then start your own thread. Stop trying to take over this one.

@ KoshaMangsho

YNBU to feel hormonal and protective.
YABU if you twitch if someone holds your baby for 10 mins.
YABU about your DH taking the baby out. If the baby needs bringing back DH will do so.

And as someone who EBF two babies don’t do that thing where you shove a boob into her mouth at every whimper. Think of it as the baby trying to say something. Think of what it might be, and try to meet that need. The boob is great but feed when she’s hungry. I too had plenty of milk and a sharp letdown so I know all about this. Cuddle at every whimper if you want but don’t do that thing of feeding constantly. Then in another month you’ll feel the baby feeds all the time and can’t sleep without a nipple. Let the baby express its opinion without getting distressed, let her have a stretch, a moan, let her figure out her surroundings.

Agree with every word. And if your baby is being held by someone in the same room then I think your anxiety is a bit extreme.

I do agree that your DH shouldn’t be taking her out for longer than an hour if straight after a feed. And you need to be in agreement with him about his mother. It’s a joint decision.

Oh and the baby is 2 months not brand new now so I do think you reactions need to be looked at. Any signs of PND?