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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be saddled with SIL debts

160 replies

Tinkobell · 03/04/2018 09:42

My SIL is 46. She is DH only sibling. SIL Is single, possibly gay, has high functioning ASD, private school and university educated, no assets, a history of failed careers and had returned home in middle age giving her parents a list of unpaid debts and bailiff letters to sort out. SIL is back in her old bedroom and trying to get any kind of locally paid work. DH and I feel she's a ticking time bomb. In laws are getting older, running out of money and energy to deal with her. Does anyone have any advice on dealing with family members like this? We've suggested citizens advice etc. We've our own kids and life worries to get through.

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 03/04/2018 09:44

It’s a tricky one but have your ILs asked for help? What has your DH said?

inamechangedforthispost · 03/04/2018 09:45

What sort of advice?

Your PIL weren't obligated to sort out her debts but obviously chose to do so. You are not obligated to sort out any future mess.

If people make it easy for her then she has no incentive to change.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/04/2018 09:46

Why do think it's going to be you that's saddled with her debts?

Bananalanacake · 03/04/2018 09:46

Let her sort it out herself. If you do it for her she will always come to you.

19lottie82 · 03/04/2018 09:47

I’d refer her to step change who can advise her on her debts. If she can’t afford to pay them they will help her set up a DMP (debt management plan).

And maybe suggest she gets registered with all the local employment agencies. In my town they can usually find you some kind of work pretty quickly.

Apart from that, She’s not your problem to deal with.

All you and your DH can do is keep reiterating to his DPs that they CANNOT keep giving her money to repay debts (if that’s what she’s been doing). And remind them that her debt will have no impact on them, even if she is living in their house.

Lacucuracha · 03/04/2018 09:48

If she has no assets, SIL should declare herself bankrupt.

It's better to do that than PIL spending their savings paying her debts.

PeerieBreeks · 03/04/2018 09:49

She has no assets and debts. She should probably go bankrupt, clear her slaye and start again.

Tbh though, you sound very judgemental towards her. I think you should keep out of it and leave it to her nearest and dearest.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 03/04/2018 09:52

But her debts are not legally her parents or you and your husband's to pay and none of you should be paying them...if she is unable to cope in life (running up debts and not understanding the seriousness of leaving her family to sort it out) then could one of you speak to her/your GP and explain what she has done, she may need a carer or something legal put in place where someone else handles her finances for her since she isn't capable of doing that herself.

Also speak to citizens advice bureau and see if there is anything they can do to help

KalindaBlack · 03/04/2018 09:53

She sounds like she needs help with the basics of financial planning. Might sound obvious, but has probably been over looked because she's obviously clever but can't do the basics. Can you get, or get PIL to get someone from social work in to assess her needs and see what kind of future planning she needs to help her live more independently?

DelphiniumBlue · 03/04/2018 09:54

She's clearly struggling. You don't have to take on her debts but it may be that she will always need help/ support in managing.
Your DH May feel that it's down to him to provide that.
If you don't want long term involvement it might be sensible to encourage him to find out what support services are available for her.
I guess she must be feeling very low at the moment, having to move back into her parents home after living independently for so long must be awful for her, although it might be a relief to have someone else deal with her problems.

DeathStare · 03/04/2018 09:55

Unless you volunteer to pay her debts off then this has nothing to do with you and will have no impact on you. So don't offer to pay her debts off and that's your worries sorted.

Have your ILs asked for your or your DH's help sorting this out? Have they told you they are worried or don't want to deal with this? If they have then I think all you can do is give them emotional support and emphasise that you can't help financially. If they haven't approached you for advice/support then it's probably best to assume they are dealing with it, and stay out of it.

All you can do with your SIL is to make suggestions - CAB or Stepchange would be where I'd suggest she goes for advice.

But ultimately stay out of it - it's only your problem if you choose to make it so. So don't!

KnittingOnEmpty · 03/04/2018 09:55

Tbh though, you sound very judgemental towards her. I think you should keep out of it and leave it to her nearest and dearest.

No she doesn't, the op sounds pragmatic and concerned for her PIL and justifiably states she has her own family which takes priority.
Don't have any real advice, just that I think you are right to take a firm stance.

bluebeck · 03/04/2018 09:57

YANBU to not want to be saddled with SILS debts, but you aren't being saddled with them are you? So why ask the question?

I would steer well clear of it all to be honest.

Quietlife1979 · 03/04/2018 09:57

She should look in to doing an IVA. A large portion of her debts would be written off if she stuck to small regular payments. The debts would be frozen until it was sorted with

PeerieBreeks · 03/04/2018 10:00

Yes she does sound judgemental.

SIL Is single, possibly gay, has high functioning ASD, private school and university educated, no assets, a history of failed careers and had returned home in middle age giving her parents a list of unpaid debts and bailiff letters to sort out

What has her sexualily, her education and her career history got to do with it?

Her current situation is all that's needed and not this 'she's had every opportunity but she's a failure' story we are being told.

Original poster
Tinkobell · 03/04/2018 10:01

We had a proper talk with PIL. Her credit cards have been cut up but old debts keep surfacing - unpaid utilities that sort of thing. FIL does keep bailing her out. She's spending their old age / care savings, a worry. Gets aggressive when confronted but then always asking. Hasn't done Ctizens Advice visit - can't frog March an adult. Don't want bailiffs turning up at PILs house. Drinks a lot. When given money spends it on crazy stuff - gym membership and hotels!

OP posts:
RoryHatesCoffee · 03/04/2018 10:01

What has her possibly being gay got to do with anything Hmm

NightRaven52 · 03/04/2018 10:02

You've not clarified how any of this will affect you or your DH? Why do you think you'll end up with her debts.

"SIL is single, possibly gay, has high functioning ASD, private school and university educated"

I'm not sure how anyone could say that you don't come across has horribly judgemental, seeing as none of the above has any relevance to her situation.

Inertia · 03/04/2018 10:02

Why would you take on her debts? You have to provide for your children.

Sounds like SIL needs professional advice on how to cope, rather than having PIL always sort problems for her.

Original poster
Tinkobell · 03/04/2018 10:03

Not judgmental, they are the facts of her life.

OP posts:
PeerieBreeks · 03/04/2018 10:05

They are your interpretation of the facts of her life. Which are, to a large extent irrelevant to the advice needed. And you have said them in a way that comes across as judgemental.

StaplesCorner · 03/04/2018 10:05

If she's go to the local CAB they will sort all this out and get all the necessary letters done - maybe one thing you could do is go with her? They'll say things like ok you need to write to X Y and Z here's the letter, and if you don't do it then A B and C will happen - so if you are there with her then you keep an eye on it and make sure she DOES follow up their recommendations. In some areas they offer longer appointments with a debt adviser.

This method is a lot easier than her looking for IVAs etc on her own, and means a lot of the work is done and a clear path laid out. Step Change are good but they are not particularly good at reading situations whereas a face to face at the CAB with all the paperwork to hand would be better for someone with ASD.

There is an outside chance that bailiffs etc will start looking at the PiL's home if she says she is resident there, again that's something the CAB will be invaluable in dealing with. Good luck - I think you are doing the right thing to pre-empt these issues.

Original poster
Tinkobell · 03/04/2018 10:06

Thanks @Deathstare will look at those organisations for her.

OP posts:
StaplesCorner · 03/04/2018 10:06

"If she goes"- doh

Original poster
Tinkobell · 03/04/2018 10:09

@Peeriebreaks. I am sorry if so. The context is a bit relevant in that the PILS are very very of the '50's......open discussions around anything like mental health, sexuality, money are very hard. Which is partly why she's in the pickle that she's in. She is sadly a lonely gal. I don't want her debts but equally trying to think of right track approaches.

OP posts:
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