To not want to be saddled with SIL debts

[Tinkobell]

My SIL is 46. She is DH only sibling. SIL Is single, possibly gay, has high functioning ASD, private school and university educated, no assets, a history of failed careers and had returned home in middle age giving her parents a list of unpaid debts and bailiff letters to sort out. SIL is back in her old bedroom and trying to get any kind of locally paid work. DH and I feel she's a ticking time bomb. In laws are getting older, running out of money and energy to deal with her. Does anyone have any advice on dealing with family members like this? We've suggested citizens advice etc. We've our own kids and life worries to get through.

@redcollargirl - yes I think trusts in their will could be an idea....course they don't know if they'll have anything left themselves but it could be looked at. Re CAB @staplescorner, SIL has told us that she's been there ....but we've got doubts and can't frogmarch her....we are about 150 miles away too.
@zzzzzz course we wouldn't see her on the streets if it came to that.....but that constitute any kind of plan does it? We might move in few years, have our own kids still living with us....who knows. ASD and debts to one side, she's a bleeding nightmare lady, grown up tantrums. I'm not sure any of us could manage more than a week!

Fair enough, if there is not one locally then that's that.

I don't have anything useful to add, but just want to say that she's very lucky to have you all and I hope things work out

@CHERRYBLOSSOM - have done a PM

Seems to me you're only worried about the possibility your in laws will 'fritter' away their money, meaning you won't cop so much in their wills.

This is harsh. With my sister I worry about the toll all this is taking on my parents who frankly should be enjoying their retirement. I worry about her health, what will happen after my parents are too frail to look after her. She refuses to learn to drive so they are driving her everywhere for example - they cannot do that forever. I assume any money my parents leave will go to care fees (we are not a wealthy family anyway.)

I just worry about people’s health, sanity and happiness. Money isn’t a big deal because there isn’t any.

OP with 50k debts and her health, bankruptcy is looking like an option. You mention drinking - how bad is it?

Let’s assume she does have ASD, or even just doesn’t have the facility to care for herself, either you care for her, or she becomes homeless. Are you basically saying that you’d see your disabled SIL on the street rather than house her?

We're not just talking about housing though are we? If it was simply a case of OP's SIL needing somewhere to lay her head that would be one thing but we're also talking about agreeing to feed, clothe, basically provide for someone's every expense for the rest of their life. Not to mention provide practical and emotional support for the rest of their life. This is a huge undertaking that would impact not only on OP and her DH but would also significantly affect the lives of their children so I don't think she should be made to feel guilty if ultimately she decides she's not prepared for her life and her family's lives to revolve around SIL.

Nobody under 60 has a right to remain in a property being sold to pay for care. And usually if one partner remains in the property the LA waits until they die before selling it. I still think the best thing SiL can do is declare bankruptcy and start again with a clean slate and no access to credit - bankrupts are automatically turned down.

I'm assuming bankruptcy alleviates her of any past debts (not told about) that she does not have any means of now paying? The disadvantage is she can't get any credit for x years ....that's not a bad scenario actually. I could provide a pillow for a while but not much more....she's incredibly hard going on an emotional level. My own DS has GAD, DH had cancer 2 years back and needs to reduce his hours in next 5 years....plus I've got my own folks and a DS abroad. The opinions on this thread are broadly split between 'wash your hands' or 'open your front door'. I think where I'm realistically coming from is help at arms length ....I just don't see us having capacity for more on every level.

.....we could ask her if she'd want to give DH a lasting POA, but I can't imagine her agreeing to that. Also with that option, if she agreed, I'd also be concerned that she'd regard DH as her new financial guarantor post death of PIL, so it is a tough one. She has all her life had a cushion of parents behind her. But obviously that can't last forever.

zzzz I wouldn’t have my adult sister (who sounds very similar - grown up tantrums oh god yes!!) live with me. though yes she’s vulnerable yes, but also controlling and when things don’t go her way, abusive - real Jekyll and Hyde. These things are complicated and it’s not easy.

I agree with op that supporting from a distance is the best way. Also agree that a diagnosis would help SIL - my sister would sadly never entertain one.

As someone who also has undiagnosed aspergers this thread makes me feel very sad and even more hopeless. . I feel like I've been nothing but a hinderance and a nuisance to everyone but if nothing else, please realise that we don't mean to be like this, we really don't.

But Degustibusnonestdisputandem1 you’re likely not abusive, nor have you run up 50k+ of debt which you expect your elderly mum and dad to pay.

There is nothing wrong with having ASD in of itself, it doesn’t make you any less loveable or worthy. I love my sister and don’t regard her as a nuisance, I just wouldn't want her to live with me.

It is sad when ASD is diagnosed in a child, there is help not lots but understanding from teachers,parents, other children but when they grow up can't manage, A HF ASD adult gets treated as a nuisance adult.

I do not think like this personally. My DD has ASD I have many traits too along with some MH issues I also see in DD too, life's tough.

@Degustibusnonestdisputandem1 .....dont feel so. The very fact that as a concerned relative I've sought info from others ought to be reassuring and show that people are trying to help. These are not matters that are easy chatted about down the pub or even with close friends. Debt, mental health, future planning are really hard issues that actually have ripples across a whole family. That's just how it is. I've recounted the views and suggestions this eve to my DH and just to say we do greatly value the views, experiences and expertise on MN. We're going to look into a few things. The PILs are thinking of downsizing so there is an option of buying 2 flats with one in DH's name, so at least we know she has a roof - thanks for that @zzzzzz.

@Juicylucy09 - agree with your observation on undiagnosed being seen as a nuisance adult. But it's the debt and the concealment that's really caused the heartache here....whether or not that's to be pinned on ASD, I just don't know. There's a massive lack of empathy (ASD) the bailiffs letter was given to PIL's the same morning they departed on holiday. It's an entirely individual thing. But you'll appreciate whilst I feel for the hard card that life's given her, she not endeared herself either.

@Thinkofthemice. Re: drinking, MIL commented that she drinks a lot. When they said they were doing 'dry Jan' got really nasty at prospect of no booze. We've often noticed boozey breathe but not been sure....I think it's one to watch. MIL is monitoring it, I hope!

Thanks. The fact is though that I'm in debt too - I've only known about the aspergers for,less than a year and I now realise that m vulnerable and cannot trust my own judgement, which is pretty awful in itself...x

@Degustibusnonestdisputandem1
Hi there - just seen your late post. Please don't feel hopeless. You have the opportunity to do for yourself ALL of the things that we as a family have been struggling to get my SIL to do over months.....years actually. Start by collecting together all of your debt papers and get down to Citizens Advice. I believe that they will contact the creditors on your behalf and work out a debt size and realistic repayment plan.....
Your diagnosis will help you so much. My SIL lives in a rural area but there are so many ASD support groups appropriate for people of varying spectrum - look at autism UK. You are reaching out for help and can find a network that can help you. Have hope and faith.
My SIL is just light years away from any of this. Hang in there!! xxx

....and ASD aside she's pig headed and stubborn (family trait) - you don't sound so! Xxx

Aww thanks!

Do be aware OP that if the PILs choose to downsize and buy two flats, and then need care, those properties are potentially up for grabs to fund it.