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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the NR parent should have the DC’s the lion’s share of the school holidays?

362 replies

Lactofreechummy · 02/04/2018 18:55

Myself and ex have 2 DC’s aged 8&6. I’m the resident parent. I have both DC’s through the week and then he has them every weekend (Friday night through to Sunday night).

I always felt that during the holidays he should have them for the lions share seeing as though he doesn’t get to see them through the week.

Our DC’s broke up a week gone Friday. He picked them up on Friday night and dropped them back yesterday. I asked if he wanted them back this week and I just got a flat ‘no.’

I’ve got work commitments next week and now I’m stuck for childcare. We never have an arrangement prior per se, we work on the idea that he has them the lions share with me having them for the last weekend and maybe a day or two in between. I asked him why he couldn’t have them and he said that he too has work commitments and that because he was at work last week too he had to ask his girlfriend (with whom he has a 2 YO) to look after them most of the time and that it’s not fair to expect her to do it again next week. Well surely she should’ve thought about that before she got with a man who had children?? I do EVERYTHING for them through the week, washing, cooking, cleaning, bathing, dropping them here there and everywhere etc.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 03/04/2018 10:50

Ok so you really don’t want to have any debt that you are putting that ahead of your children

I think you are doing it for the right reasons but you really don’t see them enough

StellaWouldYouTakeMeHome · 03/04/2018 10:50

I disagree. Why should he get the joy of your children if he doesn’t put in the work? You should get to enjoy them too

Buglife · 03/04/2018 10:51

Look you’ve had free childcare from your ex and his girlfriend for ages. He already see them far more than you do as he has them when they are off. Do you ever have them on a weekend? His girlfriend has a right to get a job and not be your babysitter anymore. Everyone else whether they are single parents or living together has to juggle school holidays and probably pay for some childcare. It’s baffling you seem to think you are the only person who now has this problem. If you have got a good full time wage you should be able to budget for childcare in the holidays.

And every weekend childfree Shock that’s so so rare! You have had a really, REALLY easy time of it up until now. Yes it is a slog doing the school run and all the boring bits in the week but what you don’t seem to grasp is that most people are doing that AND spending weekends devising things to do, paying for meals out or days out or clubs and activities. And then childcare in the holidays. Yet you seem to think you have it hard... crazy!

Fijisky · 03/04/2018 10:51

You also have every weekend off work and yet you still don’t keep your kids for any of those weekends to spend time with them.

That’s not doing everything you can to ensure their future. That’s just never spending time with your kids when you can. How you can’t see that I don’t know!

Buglife · 03/04/2018 10:52

Of course the other question is do you want your children some weekends or are you happy with the every weekend situation you have now?

Bluelady · 03/04/2018 10:59

You might want to prioritise childcare over paying your mortgage off early. You know, like normal people do.

Allthebestnamesareused · 03/04/2018 11:03

If you only have a year left on your mortgage why not extend the term of your mortgage to make your payments lower so that you can afford childcare.

I can't believe that you think you have the right to prevent the gf going back to work so she can look after your kids and in the next breath basically say she shouldn't have got with your ex!!!

Also complaining that it should be 50/50 when they did last week but it is you who doesn't want to do your share

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 03/04/2018 11:03

My DSC are teenagers now and DH has had them every weekend since he split with thier mum.

She doesn't work weekends and the DSC are quite vocal about how they feel that she doesn't want to spend time with them. They spend 1-2 nights a week with grandparents too.

I know you think you are doing the right thing by prepping for thier future, but the reality is my DSC are closer to my DH, and possibly even me due to the fact we see them more than thier mum does.

BakedBeans47 · 03/04/2018 11:04

Do you not have holidays to take OP? If you split the holidays 50/50 you should be able to have the majority of them covered between you and their father.

BakedBeans47 · 03/04/2018 11:09

So

You don’t have them any weekends
He has them half the holidays
You expect his partner should be able to provide childcare for them so you can work
You get £320 a month towards their keep despite also working yourself and about to pay off your mortgage so suggesting that you are hardly on the bones of your arse
And yet you still feel hard done by? Really I think you need to give your head a wobble.

theduchessstill · 03/04/2018 11:11

You only have a year left on your mortgage and yet you are complaining that you gave the impression that it was a struggle for you to pay for swimming lessons and you say you can't afford childcare for your young children.

Seems your priorities are wrong on several fronts - not spending any downtime with your children and paying off your mortgage while expecting your ex to cover all holiday childcare costs. Seems very unfair to me.

Morningdash · 03/04/2018 11:17

I know I am being unreasonable but the very idea that his GF is impacting on when our DC’s get to see their DF really gets my back up.

But she isn't is she? In fact if it wasn't for her looking after them last week then neither of you would have had childcare. It sounds more like she facilitates contact by looking after them and you just sound really really bitter about them, their relationship and worst of all their 2 yo.

I assume he does not have 13 weeks hols a year? So who has been looking after them during the other school holidays whilst they are at his? Have you thought about switching it so he is the RP? IF he had them and had maintenance at same rate and CB maybe hs partner would be willing to work part time whilst yours are at school and hers are at nursery and then you could take them EW until your mortgage is paid off and they are older?

Buglife · 03/04/2018 11:37

It doesn’t sound like you are making sacrifices to pay off your mortgage, your ex and his partner have made the sacrifices for you so you can pay off your mortgage. Most people can’t pay off their mortgage because they have to pay childcare. You’ve had so much help to do this from your ex and yet you can’t see it at all.

Youcouldbemysilversprings · 03/04/2018 11:42

OP you've had a bit of a pasting here and you probably deserve it but sometimes it's hard to see things objectively when emotions are running high.
The long and short is that your children's happiest memories won't be of school runs and after school activities, they will be of quality time spent with their family, and you are handing that on a plate to your ex and his new partner.
I think you need to look at your kids as less of a chore (and believe me I know this parenthood malarkey is a chore sometimes) and invest more in you relationship and time with them because when they are older they will see it exactly like it is.

CurlyRover · 03/04/2018 11:55

Do you actually want to see your DC OP? You don't work at the weekends but you never see them.

YABVU and you can't even see it.

I'm currently out of work but there's no way I'd stop looking for another job so that I could look after DSD so his ex could pay off her mortgage payments early. No wonder his DP put her foot down. Tbh you're very lucky she's not put her foot down about having them every single weekend.

Onlyoldontheoutside · 03/04/2018 11:58

I think people are being a bit mean.
If a father wants 50:50 contact with his children and lives 60miles away then school nights are out so he has weekends.On MN this means the mum s a lazy CF.But if she has every other weekend she is depriving her children and father contact.
As for the pounds ,shillings and pence but,well most RPs are juggling their money not knowing quite how to manage unexpected costs.
As to using after school clubs this is a necessary evil if you work full time.
I agree that now things have changed you need to formalise holiday care and split it 50:50 too.
Sounds as if thinks will get a little easier next year so good luck OP.

feelinggoodinspring · 03/04/2018 12:17

I’m also currently undergoing further training so that I can be promoted and subsequently increase my salary further.

That's great but you want your ex's gf to facilitate that by not working herself. Her child is getting past the baby stage now and she wants to go back to work herself. How selfish of her.

Nicknacky · 03/04/2018 12:21

I asked before and you never answered, what was said before they went to their dads? I find it hard to believe there was nothing at all said about when they would return, I just don't think it suited you whatever was said and you tried to play dumb so dad was left with no choice but to keep them.

Takeaweeseat · 03/04/2018 12:39

Not necessarily, maintenance often only just covers the bare minimum of a child's day to day living costs (childcare, extra food for them, towards bills that will most likely be higher due to the fact the resident parent wouldn't be require as big a home with just themselves, or wouldn't use as much heating and electric and water etc)*

Maintenance isn't supposed to cover all a child's living costs. The other parent should be matching it.

peacheachpearplum · 03/04/2018 12:46

resident parent wouldn't require as big a home with just themselves If the father has them almost 50/50 he needs a bigger house as well and he needs to feed them, provide heating, water and entertain them. This man sounds like he is doing his bit.

OP reckons her mortgage will be paid off in a year, how many people with young kids are in that position? I can't see any reason why stepmum needs to provide 13 weeks a year childcare so the OP doesn't see her own kids in school holiday.

Original poster
Lactofreechummy · 03/04/2018 13:14

I don’t expect her to facilitate contact between our DC and their DF, however I feel as though he’s using her as an excuse. I’ve made her feel shit for putting her foot down. Shes told exDP that she feels as though it’s her fault that our DC can see their DF for the rest of this week. I didn’t intend to make her feel shit. To be honest, until exDP mentioned it, I never thought twice about her going back to work. There were rumours circulating that she was pregnant again, still not sure if they’re true. Didn’t think she’d be looking for work if they were. However, thats irrelevant. I sometimes work from home at weekends and find it much easier to do if I agent got the DC’s constantly fighting in the background.

I take half of my annual leave off in the summer holidays so that I can have a week or two with the DC’s and half off over Christmas/new year. We do alternate Christmas’ and ex tends to have them every NYE.

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil · 03/04/2018 13:22

Do you not like your children?? I'd be devastated if mine went to their dad's every weekend and all the holidays too. He has them EOW and half the holidays. And I hate that I mad out in that time with them but that is what's fair. My 11 year old frequently says she feels like she doesn't get much time with me even though I see them every school day, walk them to school as walk them home again. Do you not want to take them on holiday at some point? It's your responsibility to arrange childcare when you are due to have them, not his. Totally unreasonable.

pinkhorse · 03/04/2018 13:26

I just can't get my head around the fact that any parent would be happy not to see their children any weekend. Weekends are where the fun, laughing and activities are. Of course it's different if parents have to work weekends but you don't and you don't see your children weekends either.
This would be heartbreaking for me.

Original poster
Lactofreechummy · 03/04/2018 13:27

Can’t afford holidays! Plus, over he last couple of months it hasn’t exactly been EW because of sickness bugs either at this end or their end, the weather plus exDP’s car was off the road for a week so he couldn’t come and collect.

For the last time of course I like my kids. I love them dearly. I’m trying to make the sacrifices now so I don’t have to in the future.

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 03/04/2018 13:31

I sometimes work from home at weekends and find it much easier to do if I agent got the DC’s constantly fighting in the background.

Well of course you do. Anyone would. But they deserve your time and attention too.

You seem to prioritize your job above ...
Spending quality time with your children
Your husband and his partner's right to their own lives/time to themselves/ability to work.

It's not on. I don't know a single person with kids as young as yours that's nearly mortgage free. You're incredibly privileged and don't seem to realise it.

Your suggestion that he does 'the bare minimum' is terrible. You're practically at shared care PLUS he pays decent maintenance and you're complaining that he won't cover most of the holidays. He's happily doing 50/50.

You need to take a look at your priorities.