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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the NR parent should have the DC’s the lion’s share of the school holidays?

362 replies

Lactofreechummy · 02/04/2018 18:55

Myself and ex have 2 DC’s aged 8&6. I’m the resident parent. I have both DC’s through the week and then he has them every weekend (Friday night through to Sunday night).

I always felt that during the holidays he should have them for the lions share seeing as though he doesn’t get to see them through the week.

Our DC’s broke up a week gone Friday. He picked them up on Friday night and dropped them back yesterday. I asked if he wanted them back this week and I just got a flat ‘no.’

I’ve got work commitments next week and now I’m stuck for childcare. We never have an arrangement prior per se, we work on the idea that he has them the lions share with me having them for the last weekend and maybe a day or two in between. I asked him why he couldn’t have them and he said that he too has work commitments and that because he was at work last week too he had to ask his girlfriend (with whom he has a 2 YO) to look after them most of the time and that it’s not fair to expect her to do it again next week. Well surely she should’ve thought about that before she got with a man who had children?? I do EVERYTHING for them through the week, washing, cooking, cleaning, bathing, dropping them here there and everywhere etc.

OP posts:
feelinggoodinspring · 03/04/2018 08:24

I know I am being unreasonable but the very idea that his GF is impacting on when our DC’s get to see their DF really gets my back up.

Are you being serious?!
Your children should not be impacting on her work/career and I'm pretty sure it gets HER back up that you think she shouldn't be able to do anything with her life because you think her life should be revolving around you and your children.

Bluelady · 03/04/2018 08:25

The only way she's "impacting" is by reducing the very generous child care she's provided up to now. Some people have no idea when they're well off, OP.

NoSquirrels · 03/04/2018 08:32

I know I am being unreasonable but the very idea that his GF is impacting on when our DC’s get to see their DF really gets my back up

It’s good you know you’re being unreasonable because you are - if she’s doing childcare for your DC then your ex is at work so the kids aren’t “seeing their DF” they’re seeing their step-mother.

And he’s right that he’s already provided childcare for half the holidays.

I honestly think being split up is a red herring in this scenario. When you’re parents and you work FT, you need to sort out how childcare in the holidays falls.

I’m working this week, my DH is in charge of childcare by taking annual leave. Next week I’m working a couple of days by booking in the DC to day camps/childcare as I’m saving most of my annual leave for May half term and summer holidays. My DH will have a week of childcare in the summer holidays while I work and a week we’re all on holiday together. We’ll pay for some childcare too, and possibly ship the kids off to family in the summer for a bit to cover the rest when I’m working.

It’s just planning. Every family has to do it, regardless of whether you live with the other parent or not.

He’s not refusing to see them - he sees them a lot - and he’s not refusing to pay for them- he pays £40 per child per week. Ask to review his payments via the CMS calculator, perhaps, but at the moment you’re supposing he’s earning a lot more when that might not even be the case.

Fijisky · 03/04/2018 08:37

£80 a week when he was only on £22,000 and having them ALOT if you add all the school holiday nights in, all weekends would be more then the csa recommend anyway.

It works out approx if he is having them all school holidays and every weekend fri-Sunday night and there’s 13 weeks worth of school holiday

So 52 Fridays/52 sat & 52 Sunday’s = 156 take away 39 days for the weekends already in the 13 weeks (which I will add ok in a min) = 117 nights PLUS the week days in the school holiday weeks 4 x 13 (mon-thur) = 52

169 days a year he approx has his kids. You are basically at shared care! You have your kids for 27 nights a year more then him! That £80 Maintance shouldn’t even be £80 on £22,0000! It should be more like £34 a week! And if he has them 6 more nights a year it would be £0!

Willyoujustbequiet · 03/04/2018 08:38

Can you swap some weekends for weekdays?

Then he'll have to do some of the donkey work and you'll get some quality time.

Original poster
Lactofreechummy · 03/04/2018 08:44

willyoujust not really, he lives 60 miles away.

OP posts:
cantkeepawayforever · 03/04/2018 09:04

I can see that the remainder of this week will be really tricky, and hope that you get something sorted in terms of local childcare or emergency family leave.

Going forward, planning for shared holidays seems entirely reasonable, and if £ is the issue with that, then working even for a few hours for every weekend will make that financially possible.

LashingsOfHamAndGingerBeer · 03/04/2018 09:04

OP you are being 100% unreasonable and you must know it. You don't think your ex's GF should impact on when they see their DF but you seem perfectly prepared for her to not be able to work so that you can?! If she is looking after your DC, it's not time with their DF anyway. You are off the scale unreasonable. I can't believe that in addition to every weekend, you also think their DF should take the vast majority of school holidays. All you are thinking about is yourself. It isn't his problem if you have left it until the last minute to sort childcare, he should not have to contribute to childcare after having them for the whole of the last week. I can't understand how you can't see that you're being entitled and considering nobody's needs but your own. I'm glad he has stood up for his GF and for himself. He isn't there to sort out your logistical difficulties. Get yourself organised, plan dates with him well in advance and stop expecting him and his GF to run around trying to accommodate you! You will simply have to stump up for the childcare next week or see if you can book last minute holiday from work. If you haven't got the cash to pay for childcare, you will have to use credit and plan carefully to pay it off. His GF is not your childminder.

Ghanagirl · 03/04/2018 09:13

If you don’t speak to ex’s GF do you know how she is with your DC?

BitchQueen90 · 03/04/2018 09:15

But you're happy for her to sacrifice her career to look after your DC in the holidays?

Now you're being ridiculous. Your DC are not her responsibility and she can do what she wants with her own life. My exh has a long term DP and I would NEVER expect her to do any childcare for me. If my exh isn't available to do it then I look into alternatives. I only work part time, sometimes a day at holiday club costs me the whole day's wage. That's what has to be done.

I get £100pw from my ex and he is on a much higher wage than yours so to say he's doing the "bare minimum" is a bit unfair.

Steakandchips3 · 03/04/2018 09:36

That sounds awful, when do you have any quality time with your kids? No weekends or holidays? Just the daily grind of the week. Yabu. Should be 50/50 I think.

Fuller2018 · 03/04/2018 09:38

When do you normally take your annual leave OP? And is it when the kids need childcare or at their dad's?

Dermymc · 03/04/2018 09:47

I'm glad you realise that you are being unreasonable.

His gf is a red herring. Like a PP said, if you were together, you'd either have to take annual leave for half each, or pay childcare. He's covered his week, now it's your turn to cover yours.

Get a weekend job, you're free every weekend!

peacheachpearplum · 03/04/2018 10:17

OP do you work fulltime? Do you have after school care, you might be able to get help with this if you are on a low wage.

Original poster
Lactofreechummy · 03/04/2018 10:30

Yes i work FT. They have afterschool clubs 4 nights a week which always fits in nicely with when I’m able to pick them up. I’m not on a low wage, I have a good salary but it’s still a struggle to make sure everything is paid at the end of every month. I’m not in any debt and I want it to remain that way.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 03/04/2018 10:32

When do you see them though it seems that you are so caught up in affording stuff you dont get to spend quality time with them

peacheachpearplum · 03/04/2018 10:36

Well if you are on a good wage that means you don't qualify for help then you need to pay for holiday care. Sounds like he has been paying more than CMS would ask for and having them loads.

Original poster
Lactofreechummy · 03/04/2018 10:36

Quartz I feel as though I’m stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea. I’ve only got another year or so of mortgage payments and I’m also currently undergoing further training so that I can be promoted and subsequently increase my salary further. The end is in sight.

OP posts:
Fijisky · 03/04/2018 10:39

Goes from bad to worse.

So not only do you not see your kids every weekend when you don’t work, you don’t have them for any of the school holidays and on top of that there in after school clubs all week as well?! Wtf. So basically you never see your kids and your mad your ex wants to do 50/50 in the holidays! You may as well just ask him to have them full time! They see more of him and there step mum then you.

Original poster
Lactofreechummy · 03/04/2018 10:42

Everything I do is to ensure they have a more secure future and for that I have to sacrifice certain things with the hope that I can rectify it in the future.

OP posts:
Fijisky · 03/04/2018 10:44

And in the meantime you hardly see your kids. That’s what they will remember when there older, that your at work constantly and all the fun they had with there step mum and dad as they actually spent time together.

BakedBeans47 · 03/04/2018 10:46

I always felt that during the holidays he should have them for the lions share seeing as though he doesn’t get to see them through the week.

I love the way that this seems to be put that you think he should have the kids for his sake, when in reality it’s to suit you.

I also can’t believe he has them every weekend. Do you not want to do things with your own kids at weekends?

LaurieMarlow · 03/04/2018 10:46

Everything I do is to ensure they have a more secure future and for that I have to sacrifice certain things with the hope that I can rectify it in the future.

While I get this, building a relationship with them is also pretty important.

You don't seem to want to spend any downtime with them. Which is an unusual position.

orangesmartieseggs · 03/04/2018 10:47

Everything I do is to ensure they have a more secure future and for that I have to sacrifice certain things with the hope that I can rectify it in the future.

But you barely see your kids. Unfortunately that's what they'll remember when they get older. That you work all week, and when you have the chance to see them, you send them off to their dad's house.

Do they not wonder why you have weekends free and choose not to spend any of that time with them? I feel really sad for them. My parents worked full-time but they made sure weekends were family time and that we went out and did fun things together. The same went for school holidays.

You must have 5-6 weeks annual leave a year - do you really not spend any of that time with your kids? Sad

Boulshired · 03/04/2018 10:49

Have you considered changing the roles, I would much prefer as a parent to have nearly all weekends with my children than the scraps of the day before and after school especially if they need after school childcare. He may technically be the NR parent but he certainly gets the best quality time.

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