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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that the NR parent should have the DC’s the lion’s share of the school holidays?

362 replies

Lactofreechummy · 02/04/2018 18:55

Myself and ex have 2 DC’s aged 8&6. I’m the resident parent. I have both DC’s through the week and then he has them every weekend (Friday night through to Sunday night).

I always felt that during the holidays he should have them for the lions share seeing as though he doesn’t get to see them through the week.

Our DC’s broke up a week gone Friday. He picked them up on Friday night and dropped them back yesterday. I asked if he wanted them back this week and I just got a flat ‘no.’

I’ve got work commitments next week and now I’m stuck for childcare. We never have an arrangement prior per se, we work on the idea that he has them the lions share with me having them for the last weekend and maybe a day or two in between. I asked him why he couldn’t have them and he said that he too has work commitments and that because he was at work last week too he had to ask his girlfriend (with whom he has a 2 YO) to look after them most of the time and that it’s not fair to expect her to do it again next week. Well surely she should’ve thought about that before she got with a man who had children?? I do EVERYTHING for them through the week, washing, cooking, cleaning, bathing, dropping them here there and everywhere etc.

OP posts:
cantkeepawayforever · 02/04/2018 21:02

I love my children always, and like them much of the time ... but not always! If someone said 'you don't like your child much', I might answer 'not just this very minute, no' ... but it doesn't stop me loving them deeply....

MrsMaxwell · 02/04/2018 21:03

DuckAndPancakes

Grin

I resented doing everything with no support from the children’s father BUT I now have an absolutely fantastic relationship with all three of my kids who all turned out well and are people I am very proud of and I know they now saw what I went through (sometimes going without a meal here and there, saving Tesco vouchers for days out/holidays and driving them abroad when I was shitting myself about it) and I know they love and respect me for trying to be a decent parent and making sure they didn’t go without because their dad had left.

ScienceNut · 02/04/2018 21:12

OP - I appreciate that you appear to have left your post as you don’t like what you hear.

However with the amount of contact he has he could earn upto 60k before csa states he needs to pay any more. Does he earn more?

I presume the swimming lessons you pay for are in the week, does dad pay for activities at the weekend.

I think its very sad that it is your children you are discussing like this.

Ginger1982 · 02/04/2018 21:42

OP you are a complete CF complaining he does the bare minimum when you have every weekend to yourself and he has all the kids plus his own? You're deluded.

Jessikita · 02/04/2018 21:52

Funny how people see things differently.

I see it the other way around, yes it’s a hard slog during the week in school time to get them sorted after work etc but then you get every single weekend to yourself!

I don’t think you realise how lucky you are! I’d love just one child-free weekend a year that would be bliss!

When exactly do you get decent time with your kids if you ship them off every weekend?

And you’re definitely out of order expecting his new partner to look after them.

Fijisky · 02/04/2018 22:10

Your poor kids.. do you ever spend any quality time with them? Certainly doesn’t sound like it.
Your ex does more then his fair share, you are clearly a CF to think he doesn’t and his new partner should be your unpaid babysitter

Dermymc · 02/04/2018 22:36

Is this a reverse?

Otherwise OP you have your cake and are eating it.

Takeaweeseat · 02/04/2018 22:49

I think you should say nothing more to your ex or you'll be at risk of losing the deal you have. It sounds to me like the g/f is maybe getting pissed off (rightly so) and maybe she'd like the odd weekend 'off' too.

OP I know you think you've got a raw deal with your ex but you really haven't, I'd consider myself fortunate if I had 1 weekend a month to myself, never mind most weekends.

My ex doesn't want to see DC and pays nothing. When he was seeing them - 3 hours, once a week after school was all he could be bothered with, his weekends were for his social life and friends, girlfriend - now that's what you call bare minimum.

Greggers2017 · 02/04/2018 22:52

I enjoy my school holidays with my kids. I use annual leave and we go away. They've been away twice this year and the memories we've made will last a lifetime.

I don't however see it as palming my kids off when their dad has them every weekend

Lucyccfc · 02/04/2018 22:59

At mediation, it was pointed out to my ex-H that there are 13 weeks school holidays and 2 parents, so care is split 50/50.

Ex-H decided he would use 2 weeks of his annum leave and he paid childcare costs for the other 3.5 weeks.

I was lucky that he took what the mediator said and stepped up.

We used to agree in January what holidays we would both do, so we could organise childcare and not leave it to the last minute. To be fair, it was me that instigated the conversation, but it still amazes me how he would happily leave planning to the day before a school holiday.

Tempjob · 02/04/2018 23:01

sending Flowers to you

Do you have friends that you could ask favours from, so they can help with childcare? Many parents do childcare exchanges with school friends once their children are school age.

To be honest, I would not be able to rest until I had concrete childcare plans in place. Paid work is just too precious to risk losing.

Greggers2017 · 02/04/2018 23:16

I don't know if you're able to do it OP but my workplace lets you buy addtional annual leave or take time off unpaid!

Original poster
Lactofreechummy · 03/04/2018 07:45

Maybe I need to re-evaluate - I don’t like being asked if I even like my kids, they’re the reason I work so damn hard.

I spoke to ex again last night. He said that his GF is wanting to go back to work again PT now that their DC is in nursery. He said that she can’t do that if they have our DC’s all holidays. I know I am being unreasonable but the very idea that his GF is impacting on when our DC’s get to see their DF really gets my back up. I’ve never had much to do with her and have never really had cross words etc. I’ve got some very conflicting feelings going round in my head.

I’m not sure how much ex gets paid, he’s self employed, when we were together he earned around £22,000 but has now inhereited the business so presumably earns double that amount now, even after tax. He said he would be able to have the DC’s more if we lived closer. I asked if he wants to split the holidays from now on, he said yes. He thinks the DC’s are away from me for too long. The thing is it’s all about pound, shilling and pence with me because it’s how we survive. I asked if he would be willing to contribute towards childcare and he’s refused saying that hes provided the childcare for over half the holidays this time.

I have no family near me, it’s going to cost me an arm and a leg to put them into childcare. I can afford it and I can’t take any leave at such short notice.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 03/04/2018 07:49

He said that she can’t do that if they have our DC’s all holidays. I know I am being unreasonable but the very idea that his GF is impacting on when our DC’s get to see their DF really gets my back up

But she isn't 'impacting on' when your DCs get to see their DF. Shock

This isn't her responsibility. If you've been leaning on this woman for childcare and she wants to stop doing it, that is your problem and your ex's problem. Why should she delay her return to PT work to be an unpaid childminder so that you and your ex can work?!

Fijisky · 03/04/2018 07:50

His GF isn’t impacting on the time he spends with his kids though is she! She’s just the one looking after them full stop while he’s at work so it’s only impacting on the time she has with your kids! And why should she have them when you get all weekends off ? She’s entitled to get a job too.

The DC are away from you too long, you hardly see them.

Maybe change your job ? You have every weekend free so start working weekends instead

Bumblefuddle · 03/04/2018 07:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fijisky · 03/04/2018 07:52

It’s not his job to pay your childcare when he clearly has them ALOT anyway, you didn’t pay his childcare last week of any of the other school holidays when he basically had them the whole time!

Bumblefuddle · 03/04/2018 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fijisky · 03/04/2018 07:57

I have no family near me, it’s going to cost me an arm and a leg to put them into childcare. I can afford it and I can’t take any leave at such short notice

This just sounds like your trying the poor me act until the gf agrees to have them next week. Your have to take unpaid leave then. He’s done his week of the school holidays.

Bumblefuddle · 03/04/2018 07:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Summerisdone · 03/04/2018 08:10

I think that it's unfair PP's are comparing this dad to much worse dads as if to say "well he could be much worse", that doesn't make him a good dad just because he's better than one who doesn't see or pay at all.

OP I do think that perhaps you should have already made arrangements with your ex for the holidays. I know you said it's usually worked out that he has them most of the holidays so you presumed the same this time, but surely without actual plans you wouldn't have known which days to book off work or arrange childcare anyway, so I don't really understand why it had not been discussed previously?
I do get you being pissed though if he's now changed the goalpost in terms of how much of the break he looks after the children, as you wouldn't have budgeted for a full week off or paid childcare.

You also mentioned further up how you have the shit throughout the week; making the kids get up early for school, and then making them do homework in evenings and have early nights ready for next day; I completely agree with you that it then means you get the crap parts, but does it not then piss you off that your ex gets all the weekends to be more chilled or have fun days with the kids? Please do not think I'm judging, you are entitled to want a bit of you time, but I just think if perhaps you had some more weekends with them then you could have more fun with them and not just the shit weekday slog. That's one rule I insist with my ex, he has every other weekend as I won't give up my weekends because I get all the shit weekdays.

Quartz2208 · 03/04/2018 08:11

She isn’t impacting though, if she were not there he would not be able to do the childcare either

50/50 holidays are fair

LaurieMarlow · 03/04/2018 08:13

i know I am being unreasonable but the very idea that his GF is impacting on when our DC’s get to see their DF really gets my back up.

That's rubbish. He has them lots and sounds really involved.

You just want to use her for the free childcare.

CheeseyToast · 03/04/2018 08:15

That's the thing about shared parenting, it's never "fair". Might as well face the reality of it. No one cares.

Summerisdone · 03/04/2018 08:22

‘Ex only pays £80 per week for them both. I never get help with shoes, uniforms, after school clubs etc’

Erm....isn’t this what maintenance is for? 

Not necessarily, maintenance often only just covers the bare minimum of a child's day to day living costs (childcare, extra food for them, towards bills that will most likely be higher due to the fact the resident parent wouldn't be require as big a home with just themselves, or wouldn't use as much heating and electric and water etc).

I know quite a few separated parents that actually pay monthly maintenance and then still take it upon themselves to give extra towards things such as extra curricular activities, school uniform, school trips, pocket money and other things.

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