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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help my parents?

263 replies

FloralSpring · 02/04/2018 17:35

My parents have decided to go to Scotland for the week, leaving their two cats at home with no cat sitter organised. They came round for lunch today and asked if I would mind popping into feed the cats at least once this week. Baring in mind they are leaving tomorrow, and have only just sprung this on me today.

Ordinarily this would be absolutely fine but as my daughter is away with her dad for the week, I have organised work every day. They also live at least a 2 and a half hour round trip away from me (and thats excluding any traffic times!)

I explained that I would try my very best to go down there at least once and I would let them know as soon as possible if I could rearrange work. I also explained that it would have been better if they could have let me know sooner as springing it on me the day before doesn't give me enough time to re-arrange and sort things. I am self-employed so my work relies on me being reliable and keeping booked appointments.

It ended up in a massive row and with them leaving my house as my mum couldn't accept this and said I should just 'agree to go' as they do so much for me, and they would remember this next time I asked for a favour etc.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that it's wrong to just ask someone to change work commitments and plans the day before you are due to go somewhere?!

OP posts:
Vangoghsear · 03/04/2018 09:11

YADNBU. Your parents should have organised a cattery, neighbour/local friend, or pet sitting service to care for their cats. If they wanted you to look after them they should have spoken to you in advance and brought them to you if that was feasible, and made other arrangements if not. In your position I would say you cannot do it and they either make other arrangements or cancel the holiday.

Original poster
FloralSpring · 03/04/2018 09:25

I have no idea what is happening as they have been ignoring all of my messages since last night.

They don't organise alternatives or ask in advance as they assume either my brother or myself will do it, and if not then we get awfully guilt-tripped and everything they have ever done for us gets brought up. It's the same every time and usually leads to a falling out between myself and my brother too.

I will speak to him about putting him on the insurance for the car, but he is also very busy with a full-time job and 2 children so not sure how feasible that will be either.

OP posts:
RedSkyAtNight · 03/04/2018 09:38

OP, I have parents who guilt trip me too. So I don't give them anything to guilt trip me for. Unfortunately, whether you realise it or not, you parents are doing a lot for you. Knowing that they will likely throw it back in your face at every available opportunity, the only solution is to not give them ammunition. So reduce the favours to emergency only, visit at reasonable but not too frequent intervals. don't expect anything. Then they don't have any ammunition.

I'm guessing however, it is convenient for you to have (free?) childcare on tap - so you might decide you have to suck up the downside.

bonnyshide · 03/04/2018 09:40

You can tell a lot about people by the way they treat their pets.....

TheJoyOfSox · 03/04/2018 09:45

would call the RSPCA if I knew who your parents were! They shouldn’t have cats! How utterly irresponsible - once a week?! WTF?! Morons IMO.

This.

HonkyWonkWoman · 03/04/2018 09:53

Your daughter is away with her Df for the week so presumably you have some free time unless you're planning to work 16 hours a day.
If my Dp's had asked me for this favour I would have set off after work. Even if you set off at 8pm you would be back for 11pm.
But our family are like that, we would put ourselves out to help each other.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 03/04/2018 09:57

YANBU. I hate it when family spring things on me and just expect me to drop everything. No, I'm not free, I've had such and such planned for months. Easter Angry

KarmaStar · 03/04/2018 09:57

Report to the rspca,what if they get injured or ill?this is really cruel OP and I hope you will be responsible and contact the animal charity.the poor cats will be safe and cared for at least by them until rehomed with decent people who care for their pets.

GabsAlot · 03/04/2018 10:11

hope something is sorted

my father is like this will bring something up from years ago and say hes done so much for me or my dsis when he wants something

i dont let him do me favours anymore it got too much

Lizzie48 · 03/04/2018 10:22

It's very cruel to leave cats outside for a whole week. Despite report to the RSPCA, they shouldn't have cats.

If you do end up driving there and back to look after their cats, you should charge them for the petrol. It's their mess to sort out. I actually wonder if the real issue is that they don't want to pay the costs of a cattery or cat sitter. But if you own a pet, it's your responsibility to make arrangements for its care when you're away.

If you do have the cats at your house, make sure that your parents cover your costs incurred, cat food, cat litter etc.

Poor cats.

Godowneasy · 03/04/2018 11:00

If you do have the cats at your house, make sure that your parents cover your costs incurred, cat food, cat litter etc.

Yes, and op's parents could start charging her for the weekly childcare they do for her every week, and the costs of the washing incurred two nights a week when they stay, and the costs of all the food they eat while there....

FFS! Just go and get the cats and bring them back to your house. Your parents can collect them when they're back.
Issue solved

Lizzie48 · 03/04/2018 11:07

My DM cat sits for me occasionally. I've always paid all the costs, bought the cat food and cat litter. In fact, I've always provided everything needed. They are my cats and she's doing me a massive favour.

SusieFlo · 03/04/2018 11:27

I'm actively worried about those poor cats. I agree with the commenter who suggested going there once and collecting the cats for the week. Or at least trying to contact a neighbour and ask them to do it.

I know it's not your fault OP but someone has to intervene for those poor pets.

TomRavenscroft · 03/04/2018 12:03

Godown, I really don't think you are understanding the OP. Or you're being deliberately obtuse.

She doesn't 'do the journey so regularly when it suits and benefits' her; she does it to a prearranged schedule that both parties are informed about and happy with. Yes, you acknowledged the lateness of the parents' request, but you nonetheless seem unwilling or unable to see that it is unreasonable.

OP, if you can have the cats at yours that would be a good solution. Or, as someone else suggested, get a cat sitter and just don't tell your parents.

barcodescanner · 03/04/2018 12:28

I can't believe there are people who think this is ok. That's beside a cat killer on the loose

Original poster
FloralSpring · 03/04/2018 13:38

They are still ignoring my calls/messages, so not update as yet. I am going to contact my brother to see if he has any update on what is meant to be happening, otherwise I will make the drive down to collect the cats. They only have one cat transporter so I will need to purchase an additional one if they are to come to me.

I think as other users have pointed out, the childcare situation is a prearranged agreement with which we are all happy. They have never complained or begrudged looking after DD, they love seeing her on the weekend and having us to stay with them. I appreciate them massively for doing that for me, as others have pointed out I would have to pay extortionate amounts for childcare otherwise.

The issue for me is the last minute expectation that I would be available to cat sit. If I asked my parents at late notice to look after DD and they said no I would of course accept that, it is their prerogative to do with their time what they want; they are not beholden to me.

OP posts:
TheTapir · 03/04/2018 13:50

could your brother not have the cats to stay at his house?

Original poster
FloralSpring · 03/04/2018 13:53

My brother has a cat of his own, so I am not sure how that would work? He also has 2 children, so the responsibility of that and 3 cats might be a bit much. I will ask.

OP posts:
jarhead123 · 03/04/2018 13:55

2.5 hour round trip is ridiculous! YANBU x

TomRavenscroft · 03/04/2018 13:58

They sound very petulant and childish. You and your DB really need a serious talk about their general behaviour around this 'guilt' issue. Especially when it affects their cats and your relationship with DB.

juliej00ls · 03/04/2018 14:05

I have cats and relatives (long way away) I pay my adopted granny/babysitter a nominal amount to feed them daily. As someone whose mother is a fantastic guilt tripper try and say no and then not feel awful. The cats aren’t the issue. Good luck

SeaCabbage · 03/04/2018 15:28

I really don't see what the fuss is all about - they haven't even asked the neighbour yet. Insist that they do.

Would you really jeopardise your home by going against the contract and having the cats there?

TomRavenscroft · 03/04/2018 15:42

Insist that they do.

They're ignoring her, Sea, which makes insisting a bit hard.

Original poster
FloralSpring · 03/04/2018 16:18

UPDATE: I heard from my parents earlier and they have asked the neighbour who has agreed to come in and feed the cats everyday. So no more worries about the cats being left alone.

It's a shame that the most sensible option of asking a neighbour wasn't done in the first instance, as now there is a lot of tension and upset within the family. Hopefully it will blow over soon.

OP posts:
diddl · 03/04/2018 16:26

Good!

I think it's OK to ask family first-but if you are asking at short notice & for more than an hr drive each way, you have to consider that the answer might be no!