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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help my parents?

263 replies

FloralSpring · 02/04/2018 17:35

My parents have decided to go to Scotland for the week, leaving their two cats at home with no cat sitter organised. They came round for lunch today and asked if I would mind popping into feed the cats at least once this week. Baring in mind they are leaving tomorrow, and have only just sprung this on me today.

Ordinarily this would be absolutely fine but as my daughter is away with her dad for the week, I have organised work every day. They also live at least a 2 and a half hour round trip away from me (and thats excluding any traffic times!)

I explained that I would try my very best to go down there at least once and I would let them know as soon as possible if I could rearrange work. I also explained that it would have been better if they could have let me know sooner as springing it on me the day before doesn't give me enough time to re-arrange and sort things. I am self-employed so my work relies on me being reliable and keeping booked appointments.

It ended up in a massive row and with them leaving my house as my mum couldn't accept this and said I should just 'agree to go' as they do so much for me, and they would remember this next time I asked for a favour etc.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that it's wrong to just ask someone to change work commitments and plans the day before you are due to go somewhere?!

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 02/04/2018 18:31

I don't think YABU at all but, given what you have said, I would anticipate help with future childcare being withdrawn, possibly at short notice.

Psychobabble123 · 02/04/2018 18:32

Talk about leaving it to the last minute! Yanbu at all OP

As an aside tbough, 3 hours to do 60 miles?! Is it all 30 roads or something?! I do a similar drive to work and it takes 2 tops.

Ellendegeneres · 02/04/2018 18:38

Holy shit that’s so incredibly awful to those cats- specially the elderly one! It could die of stress for fucks sake! Locking the poor things out, they’ll think they’ve been abandoned!

And here was me feeling guilty for staying out overnight this weekend (having left plenty of fresh food and water for ellenkitty) and back by 9am for her breakfast! 😮

category12 · 02/04/2018 18:39

I think I'd go over and bring the cats home with me.

SirVixofVixHall · 02/04/2018 18:40

I am also horrified that anyone with a cat would think this was ok. Even worse with an oldie who wants to be inside. The weather is horrible too. Poor cats. They need to be in a cattery or have someone popping in twice a day, is there no local teenager who would do this for pocket money? I did it for neighbours when I was about twelve. My Mum even cooked the cat’s special meaty suppers and I stayed to fuss him.

SirVixofVixHall · 02/04/2018 18:40

Yes, can’t you have the cats at yours while they are away, and keep them inside? It is cold out anyway.

Original poster
FloralSpring · 02/04/2018 18:42

Just to clarify r.e. the childcare. Every Saturday I work so I drive to them on Friday evening we stay over, they look after DD on Saturday whilst I am working, then I drive back on Sunday.

They do a lot for me with regards to the weekend and enabling me to work. I wish they had just given me more notice so I could have arranged work better. I'm tempted just to get them to bring the cats here for the week and forego the landlord's rules.

OP posts:
Nomorechickens · 02/04/2018 18:46

Could they get a cat sitter from a local pet care agency to come in every day and feed them?

Crispbutty · 02/04/2018 18:47

How does their part of the childcare they do for you work? Do they drive to you regularly to do this? If so I can maybe see why they would ask for that favour to be returned. But the way they are treating the cats with such neglect is beyond belief.

I was away from fri to sun and our cat is a house cat. She was booked to go in the cattery but as we discovered her vaccinations were not up to date on the day we were due to go this couldn’t happen. Luckily I got a friend to come in both days to feed her and give her fresh water. If I couldn’t find anyone I would have cancelled my holiday. If you have pets you bloody care for them! This makes me so angry that they don’t seem to give a shit about those poor cats.

CoffeeOrSleep · 02/04/2018 18:48

They have your DD from friday evening to Sunday morning every single week so that you can work (and as you are self employed, assume this is something you chose to do ), but you are surprised they expect you to do 1 visit to their house in a week you have no DC with you to feed their cats?

Actually YABU - massively so. So what if it's a 3 hour trip, you can do that one evening you have no DC with you, it'll be a long day and shit, but the alternative is to give up working Saturdays and lose your child free Friday and Saturday nights.

they should have given you more notice. You should be prepared to suck up the faff if the alternative is massively expensive out of hours childcare bills.

category12 · 02/04/2018 18:49

Bringing the cats to your house seems the kindest option. Make sure it's understood that you need more advance warning for the future.

Ellendegeneres · 02/04/2018 18:49

TBH op I’d probably do that- how much damage are they likely to do in one week? At least that way you’ll know they’re being properly cared for and you can tell your parents that you’re doing it, but next time you fully expect more notice and if they don’t you’ll be less willing to bend over backwards as you’ll have done this time.

Ilovelblue · 02/04/2018 18:50

I don't think you are being unreasonable in the slightest .... but your parents are!! How can you abandon your cats for a week and just expect somebody to go to feed them once in all that time? I am lucky to have my neighbour who feeds my two cats when I go away (we have a reciprocal arrangement) but occasionally we have a weekend away together and when that happens, I pay a professional cat sitter to come in twice a day to feed and pet them. £7 per visit (for two cats, so £14 a day). It's as cheap as them going into a cattery and the added bonus of somebody checking on the house each day too.

Ellendegeneres · 02/04/2018 18:50

I mean ffs if you’d known they could have taken the cats for the visit today to save you a journey. It’s not just neglect to the cats, it’s pure inconsideration to you and your time

Original poster
FloralSpring · 02/04/2018 18:50

No, they don't have my DD Fri-Sun every week. They have my DD during Saturday daytime. I look after her the rest of the time. The reason we stay from Friday-Sunday is because it is a long drive to make on Saturday morning when I start early, and then to drive the same distance back on Saturday evening.

OP posts:
Sashkin · 02/04/2018 18:54

And OP has said she would have happily done it if they had given her enough notice to rearrange her work @Coffeeorsleep. It’s the lack of notice that she needs to spend a half day driving over to their house that makes it difficult.

Original poster
FloralSpring · 02/04/2018 18:55

It's too late now to book into a cattery at such short notice. They wouldn't let someone from a cat agency/sitter come in as they don't trust strangers in their house. They have one neighbour that they feel happy to ask, but if they are unavailable then the only option is either me or my brother.

We get guilt tripped a lot, and if I can't do something for them because of work commitments or prior arrangements then they always make me feel guilty by saying 'we do so much for you, we won't do it anymore, you are being selfish' etc. Sad

OP posts:
RedSkyAtNight · 02/04/2018 18:56

But they have you (both) to stay every single weekend? (which presumably involves a certain amount of cleaning, bedmaking, washing, cooking etc - unless you do all that for them?) And they look after her for what sounds like a long day on Saturday (starting early, too late to drive back ...)

That is a huge ask! I can see why they are miffed that you won't go down and feed the cats a few times (can't you drive down late and stay overnight?) - although I do agree they should have given you more notice. Did you know about the holiday longer in advance? If so, and you always look after the cats when they are away, perhaps it was a natural assumption that you would do so this time.

PlumsGalore · 02/04/2018 18:58

Please bring the cats to you OP if you can, litter trays, regular food and warmth, they will be much happier. We have had a tonne of snow here today and it's down pouring down, even my 11 years old outdoor cat that can feed herself off the land ran out for a wee and ran in again, roast lamb for tea and is now asleep in front of th fire.

Original poster
FloralSpring · 02/04/2018 18:59

No, I knew they were going away but I didn't know the exact dates until they came over today and told me they were leaving tomorrow!

I can't stay overnight as I've got work organised for where I live. I work from home and have people turning up from 8am. They live in a very urban and busy area, and the motorways I would have to travel at that time in the morning during rush hour are horrendous. I'd be lucky to make it home for 8am leaving theirs at 6.

OP posts:
Godowneasy · 02/04/2018 19:03

So, you're quite happy to do the drive and stay over at their house for two nights a week while they look after your daughter, and you go to work from their house?

They are just asking you to do exactly the same really, but for you to look after the cats, rather than you have your daughter looked after.

I can see why they thought you'd easily be able to do this for them. Yes, they left it very late to discuss it with you, but from their point of view perhaps they just didn't think it would be an issue for you at all, given you do the journey so regularly when it suits and benefits you.

Favours, and helping out, is a two way street! I think you should do it without any more complaint and fuss.

trickydickie · 02/04/2018 19:08

If I had someone who watched my child for a full day every week then I would do the 3 hour trip to feed their cat. It isn't ideal as you will be tired after working and then such a long trip , not ideal that you got such short notice but it's what you do for someone who helps you.

Next time they ever mention going on holiday I would
just ask if you are needed for the cats. Then ask when. Hopefully that approach will get you notice in future.

Original poster
FloralSpring · 02/04/2018 19:09

So, you're quite happy to do the drive and stay over at their house for two nights a week while they look after your daughter, and you go to work from their house?

Yes, and I am very grateful, but this is an arrangement made well in advance. On the occasions when I have asked them to have DD at short notice I have never begrudged them saying no.

The issue is I have now organised work for the entire week from my home, starting very early and ending late into the evening. For perspective, if I was to drive to their house after work I would not be getting back to my home until 11pm at the earliest. And that's relying on it literally being an in-and-out visit and their being zero traffic.

OP posts:
sunshinesupermum · 02/04/2018 19:09

I know you said your landlord wouldn't accept pets but if it's just for a week he might just do so providing you paid for any damage.

Can't bear the thought of those two cats being left as your parents are doing and quite understand how you feel being given such short notice. It's impractical for you to do this round trip even once and in any case the cats need looking after more than just the once.

TomRavenscroft · 02/04/2018 19:10

Favours, and helping out, is a two way street! I think you should do it without any more complaint and fuss.

Godown, are you failing to comprehend the OP's posts?

For the childcare arrangements, the OP arranges her travel and weekend so she and her DD can do the journey and she can work. This is an arrangement that happens predictably and at the same time every week.

That's not at all the same as being asked to do a long journey at the last minute, with no opportunity to rearrange work etc.

YANBU OP, but I do feel sorry for the cats. Have they asked this neighbour? It sounds like you need a longer conversation about their guilt-tripping you in general too, TBH.

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