To tell them to mind their own business (maybe triggering? Eating stuff)

[TheParisofPeople]

Hi,

I’ve been a lurker for a while but finally took the plunge I need some advice because I don’t know which way is up anymore after Easter.

Some friends of mine are convinced i have an eating disorder, I tend to restrict my food so I don’t pig out and I do a reasonable amount of exercise. Not manically though, I’m not a gym fanatic or anything I just walk a lot. I’m a size ten so not anorexic by any means, obviously. My mum is a big fan of diets and weight loss but in a healthy way and is supportive when I want to lose. I recently broke up with someone and it knocked me a bit and I piled on some weight. Like I went up to a 12/14 really quickly and she helped me with a new diet.

So I did the blood sugar diet for a month and it was amazing I melted back to a 10, but I was cold all the time and kept feeling like I was going to pass out. Decided to eat ‘normally’ for a bit but I fast regularly too. This helps me maintain.

Haven’t shifted any more weight but because I refused to binge on chocolate at Easter and I lost quite a bit quite quickly my friends are saying they’re worried I have an ED. All because I don’t want to pig on thousands of sugary calories for no reason and I fast sometimes. Fasting is more traditional at Easter than letting yourself turn into a gross chocolate monster anyway btw. It’s a religious event ffs.

I’m getting fed up of being told to ‘just eat a burger’ by them, or watched when I eat. But I know that when people get sick or obsessed they sometimes can’t see there’s something wrong. Do I sound ok?

Thanks everyone.

Sorry doggity I didn’t make that clear, I’m not being pressured into celibacy by someone else.

Just...better? Better diet, better body, better grades (I’m doing my degree late because I had to drop out of mainstream school), cleaner house, not giving into sex. Like I just need to get better at everything?

Oh you poor thing, no wonder you have anxiety if you constantly believe that you aren't good enough in literally every aspect of your life? The thread is about food, which makes sense given that is something you can control, but you really need to start to manage your general thinking/anxiety around control. If you don't you are going to end up living a very unhappy life because it just isn't possible for you to succeed if you believe this. Please go back to the doctor, there are other medications they can try

*And like logically that makes sense but I don’t feel logical about it and I don’t know how to stop feeling that way.
*
That’s kind of the point, OP. I don’t think you are currently in a position to change your thought processes on your own. You need professional help. Yes, that very well may require medication, but just as important if not more important is the therapy component. You would be an excellent candidate for CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) which can help you begin to examine your beliefs about food and eating and test the rationality of those beliefs.

Oh OP living like that sounds exhausting!

What would happen if you just let go? If you relaxed and stopped striving to be "better" all the time?

What are you afraid would happen if you did?

*my thinking around food is black/white skewed

• there’s other shit going on but I’m making it about food
• should maybe see a doc about going back on my anxiety meds*

Yup. See it as an act of self care? Anxiety is exhausting.

The only place you're going wrong OP is your constant reference to 'we'. We should be doing this and we should be doing that.

No. You do it if you want to. Get some control of yourself that you stop dragging other people in to whatever is going through your mind. Your body, your right to do what you want to it. Your rights begin and end with your own body though.

If your friends are having a problem with you it's because you're doing a faux puritanical/hysterical thing. Stop it. Your hang-ups are your own, nobody else's. Own them and get help for them - or don't.

This thread doesn't sound on the level to me; people in control don't post like this in my opinion.

Get help OP, for whatever it is that is the root problem here.

When aiming to control everything, you enjoy nothing.

Do you not wish to enjoy things, OP?

I don’t really feel comfortable talking about the other problems here.

That’s fair enough but it does sound like generalised anxiety. The feeling you like is the control - so you won’t be able to stop if you do get too slim. It’s process driven, not product. There’s no end points so if you could get some professional help, that would be a good idea.

I do like that feeling yes, it makes me feel accomplished. If I’m honest I can see how my mum is a little overinvested, she’s like 3/4 French and plays up to it a lot when it comes to diets and eating and stuff, but she also says that having overweight children reflects badly on parents and shows they don’t care about their children’s health, so she’s just looking out for all of us when she watches our weight or makes comments, etc. I can kind of see that? I still don’t think it comes from a nasty place, not deliberately. It’s her way of caring?

She’s wrong though. Children aren’t an extension of ourselves. You should feel comfortable to be yourself in front of those who love you most. Our inner voice is often shaped by our parents and she sounds a little narcissistic.

OP. I regularly ensure that my kids don't eat too much of the wrong stuff. I haven't in any way made out that it's in relation to their weight.

If your mum made it clear that you gaining weight was a problem for her, that's not caring. That's controlling. She projecting her own insecurities about weight gain on you and it sounds like she's done a good job!

Don’t know if I’d call her a narcissist, she is concerned with appearances but then lots of people are without it making them narcs. Some things she comes out with make me feel guilty though, like she jokes about putting a padlock on the fridge between meals and says things like ‘my god, potatoes? Your grandmother would turn in her grave!’

My brother has escaped this btw but then he’s the golden boy who can’t do anything wrong and I’m the disappointment who got sent to catholic youth summer camp.

I’m the disappointment who got sent to catholic youth summer camp.

That's so sad you see yourself like this @TheParisofPeople. I can see now why your are striving for "perfection" and using control. It's also hard to change when this is what you've been conditioned over the years to feel. Life doesn't have to be this way though. Do you want more years of feeling like this or do you want to feel happier and more at ease in life? Please go back to your GP, ok?

I think you might have got to the crux of the problem OP.

Has anyone mentioned orthorexia @TheParisofPeople? Your posts make me think of this and it is now recognised as an eating disorder because of the control issues and stress/unhappiness it can cause.

I don't know if you have an eating disorder or not and I don't think anyone could or should diagnose you online but it sounds as though you realise your life may be unusually disciplined

Your mother is a big part of the problem, OP. She is a misogynist in that she thinks women are sinful, should strive to be 'good' by never allowing themselves any pleasure, while men are to be indulged. That's a big part of why you are the way you are: anxious, driven, and terrified to enjoy anything because you have been taught that it is wrong to do so.

You can be a size 10 and still be starving yourself. The two things are not the same.

Op I hope you can see that your mother's projected issues have directed your own view of food, as well as your relationship with your body. Now is your opportunity to forge your own path.

Your mum is at the root of all this and you certainly do seem to have some issues.

Being ‘good’ is the way to get her approval and I think we’ve established on this thread that I am not ‘good’. I can’t blame it on her though, I think that would be a bit of a cop out. We definitely get on much better when I’m losing weight/dieting/studying all day, not going out/etc. But I think most mothers get on better with their children when they’re behaving themselves.

Yes oerhotexia does sound v familiar? Bc of the clean foods = good and all other foods = poison. That is definitely how I think :/

*orthorexia, sorry

We definitely get on much better when I’m losing weight/dieting/studying all day, not going out/etc. But I think most mothers get on better with their children when they’re behaving themselves.

No. They don't.

I guess we haven’t really got on since I was a teenager, it got worse when I was diagnosed with the panic disorder and some other stuff that happened. I just try and be normal in front of her mostly. But normal for both of us is calorie counting and how many steps have you taken today etc etc.