To tell them to mind their own business (maybe triggering? Eating stuff)

[TheParisofPeople]

Hi,

I’ve been a lurker for a while but finally took the plunge I need some advice because I don’t know which way is up anymore after Easter.

Some friends of mine are convinced i have an eating disorder, I tend to restrict my food so I don’t pig out and I do a reasonable amount of exercise. Not manically though, I’m not a gym fanatic or anything I just walk a lot. I’m a size ten so not anorexic by any means, obviously. My mum is a big fan of diets and weight loss but in a healthy way and is supportive when I want to lose. I recently broke up with someone and it knocked me a bit and I piled on some weight. Like I went up to a 12/14 really quickly and she helped me with a new diet.

So I did the blood sugar diet for a month and it was amazing I melted back to a 10, but I was cold all the time and kept feeling like I was going to pass out. Decided to eat ‘normally’ for a bit but I fast regularly too. This helps me maintain.

Haven’t shifted any more weight but because I refused to binge on chocolate at Easter and I lost quite a bit quite quickly my friends are saying they’re worried I have an ED. All because I don’t want to pig on thousands of sugary calories for no reason and I fast sometimes. Fasting is more traditional at Easter than letting yourself turn into a gross chocolate monster anyway btw. It’s a religious event ffs.

I’m getting fed up of being told to ‘just eat a burger’ by them, or watched when I eat. But I know that when people get sick or obsessed they sometimes can’t see there’s something wrong. Do I sound ok?

Thanks everyone.

I don’t believe total control is anything to strive for in any aspect of life. Life is often pretty random and sometimes chaotic. No one is or ever can be perfect or in control. It’s an exhausting thing to aim for. Of course you are imperfect. But you are in good company because no one in the world is. You are being very hard on yourself and that is what Ed’s do. They make you constantly judge yourself and find yourself not good enough

The more I read the more I'm inclined to agree that you have an unhealthy obsession with your weight and an in healthy relationship with food. Please see your gp

You deserve support because it’s not a fun way to live life in my experience.

Hi OP. I don’t think you need to see a doctor right now, but I think there are some risks here that other people have mentioned. I will mention some that I don’t think have been mentioned

• there’s a risk with restrictive eating of triggering some physiological processes that will make you prone to obsessing about food (either getting scared of it, as you have mentioned, or ‘pinging back’ when you break a rule eg gaining weight quickly when you had a break up). Extremely low calorie diets like the blood sugar one, while I know it is recommended for some people, may have a long term effect on metabolism and actually make you more prone to gain weight on fewer calories (google ‘metabolism and The Biggest Loser’). Trust me, I watched my Mum diet her way up to twice her previously lovely size. Maintaining within a healthy range is a good goal. My advice would be
• try to eat regularly, eat enough, don’t have banned food groups (but by all means avoid highly processed foods if you prefer, just make sure you can enjoy a social treat now and again), try to eat with others sometimes. If 16:8 suits you, fine, but if its making you obsess, its not the way forward.
• if you go on a crash diet again, please get your blood pressure checked regularly by your doctor, it sounds like you might have been at risk last time.

I hate, HATE the word 'greed' when applied to normal amounts of food etc.

Greed is about wanting too much of something (whether that's too much in calorie terms or in politeness terms - all of the cakes so nobody else can have them for instance).

As part of a healthy day's food it is entirely possible to eat a Big Mac. Eating the occasional takeaway is not 'greed'. Having some chocolate at Easter is not 'greedy'. In fact, eating more than your 'daily recommended amount of calories' occasionally is also not greedy, if it all evens out in the end!!

It's such a judgemental word and I mainly see it used by people to try and shame others, usually people who like food and like eating.

I do think there's something in that- people who hate eating and have a lot of anxiety around it cannot stand these other people gaily enjoying food and putting it in their mouths and not feeling bad about it so they have to try and shame them. Food is not just about fuel. Food is about sociability and family and community, sharing resources and time. There are many cultures where if you don't accept food/drink it's seen as a slight because the offerer is welcoming you into their family/household with it.

Food can also be a crutch, a panacea for sadness or lonelieness, or a whole load of other things but people are not disgusting for using food as another coping mechanism to get through the day. It's just more socially acceptable to slag off the overweight.

Maybe Orthorexia is a possibility ? Caused by your panic disorder ?

Not all EDs and anorexics starvi to death. It can just be an unhealthy mindset.

You do sound like you have a problem.

Wanting to watch what you eat and live a healthy lifestyle is normal. Feeling panicky if you can't exercise, grossed out seeing people eat and referring to foods as "poison" is not normal.

No Paris - absolute control isnt better. Its mostly impossible and what fuels mental health problems

Great post Hanuta

I think it can be possible though? And what do people do when they’re not in control?

I think your time would be better spent accepting that you’re imperfect because people are and life is. You’re going to be very unhappy constantly striving for perfection, whatever that is.

Actually the more you post... the more you sound like you want to be told you have an ED.... either you’re parroting phrases you’ve heard because the idea that you have an ED makes you feel like you’re a success and thin or you have a serious problem.

‘Not perfect yet’ ... honey none of us will ever be perfect. Ever. It does not exist.

I don’t have to ‘parrot’ anything lemonys, this is how I was raised and how I think. Maybe perfection doesn’t exist but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t aim for better.

Depends on your definition of better tbh doesn't it.

What is better?

So much of what you've said and the language used, to me, indicate that you either have or are in danger of developing an eating disorder.
Can you say, hand on heart that you've never visited web sites to do with extreme weight loss.You know the ones I mean.

OP, the only time I've ever been overweight, was when I was a baby, and my mum was told to take me off the gold top milk.

I've never restricted what food, or how much food, I eat, but I don't snack a lot, and I don't/can't eat large portions, as I feel full very quickly.
I love a bit of cake, I quite like having a couple of biscuits with a cuppa (2 sugars please), I adore clotted cream and jam on a scone, I like fast food.
I eat everything in moderation and don't class anything I eat as "good" or "bad".

Many people do eat too much, my husband being one of them. I can't believe the amount he eats in one sitting sometimes, and I worry about his health.

So, all that is to show you where I'm coming from. I think you should go and see your GP, and contact that eating disorder charity that PPs have linked to, because the way you view food, and the extreme language you use when talking about food, as well as saying that you get anxious when watching other people eat, is NOT normal.

Don't latch on to the couple of posters who are agreeing with you and dismiss what the majority are saying, because it's not helpful to have your disordered views on food validated.

Please get some help, you need it.

My life is better in so many ways since I relinquished control. It was actually anxiety, masquerading.

I am happy and people around me are happy because I’m nocritcising their behaviour. I don’t indulge any kind of critical self-doubt if it’s baseless. It’s not easy, but my way of striving to be better is to cast off self-doubt and relax control. Have you tried that?

I do think there's something in that- people who hate eating and have a lot of anxiety around it cannot stand these other people gaily enjoying food and putting it in their mouths and not feeling bad about it so they have to try and shame them

Great point I always find it weird how some are extremely judgemental over other people’s weight. Like seeing someone else “letting go” & enjoying a burger is a manifestation of all their personal fears.

my friends are saying they’re worried I have an ED. All because I don’t want to pig on thousands of sugary calories for no reason and I fast sometimes.

Honestly, OP, I think I’d be worried too if I were your friend. Not because you don’t want to eat chocolate, though. But because some of the language you’ve used here is really worrying: referring to certain foods as ‘dirty’ and ‘poison’, and saying that you feel panicky and want to go for a run if you see someone else eating. I mean this as kindly as possible, but that is not a normal relationship with food. Just a few posts here and I’ve already got serious alarm bells ringing, so I can well imagine why your friends might be worried.

I may also be way off the mark here, but the way you talked about your mum being supportive etc. in your first post had me thinking you were much younger than you actually are. Is your mum perhaps a little too involved in your diet?

I’m not judging or attacking you so please don’t get defensive with me, I’m just responding because you asked ‘do I sound OK?’ and in my opinion (albeit as a stranger who only knows you from a few posts online) the answer is that no, you do not.

Just...better? Better diet, better body, better grades (I’m doing my degree late because I had to drop out of mainstream school), cleaner house, not giving into sex. Like I just need to get better at everything?

Not eating around people and feeling ill about what others eat isn’t normal behaviour, op. What happens if you go out for a friend’s birthday meal? Or you stay over somewhere and someone makes you dinner? Or go to a wedding etc?

Food is a big thing socially, we cook for each other to show our love and we share food to bond and relax. If that makes you feel panicky and anxious I think you might want to look into that further.

But it’s not a foodstuff, it’s literally just sugar. No nutritional value, fucks up your insulin so you pile on even more weight. It’s poison for the body, how can people enjoy putting dirty food in themselves?!

Good quality dark chocolate is a good source of iron, copper, magnesium and manganese. A couple of squares a day will do you good.

The way you talk about food worries me too.

Sod the house. Have sex if you want it (giving in? Are you trying to be chaste or is someone pressuring you?) Work hard - it’s easier if you love what you’re studying. All of this will happen naturally - if you apply pressure (where is this internal monologue coming from? Mum?) it will get harder.

We can’t control everything and that’s ok, we are only here a short time - life is to be enjoyed, it isn’t a punishment for not meeting expectations