To tell them to mind their own business (maybe triggering? Eating stuff)

[TheParisofPeople]

Hi,

I’ve been a lurker for a while but finally took the plunge I need some advice because I don’t know which way is up anymore after Easter.

Some friends of mine are convinced i have an eating disorder, I tend to restrict my food so I don’t pig out and I do a reasonable amount of exercise. Not manically though, I’m not a gym fanatic or anything I just walk a lot. I’m a size ten so not anorexic by any means, obviously. My mum is a big fan of diets and weight loss but in a healthy way and is supportive when I want to lose. I recently broke up with someone and it knocked me a bit and I piled on some weight. Like I went up to a 12/14 really quickly and she helped me with a new diet.

So I did the blood sugar diet for a month and it was amazing I melted back to a 10, but I was cold all the time and kept feeling like I was going to pass out. Decided to eat ‘normally’ for a bit but I fast regularly too. This helps me maintain.

Haven’t shifted any more weight but because I refused to binge on chocolate at Easter and I lost quite a bit quite quickly my friends are saying they’re worried I have an ED. All because I don’t want to pig on thousands of sugary calories for no reason and I fast sometimes. Fasting is more traditional at Easter than letting yourself turn into a gross chocolate monster anyway btw. It’s a religious event ffs.

I’m getting fed up of being told to ‘just eat a burger’ by them, or watched when I eat. But I know that when people get sick or obsessed they sometimes can’t see there’s something wrong. Do I sound ok?

Thanks everyone.

I hate, HATE the word 'greed' when applied to normal amounts of food etc.
Greed is about wanting too much of something (whether that's too much in calorie terms or in politeness terms - all of the cakes so nobody else can have them for instance).

The body increases in mass and stores fat when it gets more food than it needs. So technically if you're gaining weight, then that does suggests greed. You're eating more than you need, what other word is there for it?

Sorry but with mental health services stretched to breaking point, why on earth are people telling the op to see her GP? For what exactly? To be placed on a 6 month waiting list for treatment she has no intention of engaging with? She doesn't believe she has an eating disorder and that's fine. Eating small healthy meals and doing loads of exercise to maintain a size 10 is an ok lifestyle choice.

It certainly sounds like you are controlling your body/food intake and outage/exercise because you feel the rest of your life is in chaos and out of control...this is not only a food issue it sounds like a mental health issue as you have already highlighted. Please seek help...you are unwell.

OP, you sound so unhappy.

If you want to have sex and there's no reason NOT to have sex then it's not 'wrong', it's just - sex. (I mean if you and the other person are consenting adults who aren't being unfaithful to anyone else, etc). I've been there and realising that the world isn't going to collapse because I ended up in bed with someone was a liberating moment.

There's nothing wrong with trying to be 'better' but you know those standards are only imposed by yourself. I would like to be better, in that I'd like to be less grumpy, be fitter, clean my house more - but in the scheme of things I know that I don't have a 'problem' with any of those things and nobody will judge me if I don't do them, nor would I judge anyone else, so it's really a self imposed criticism.

I think you could be a bit kinder to yourself.

It’s better for me to not have sex because of my situation. I know I maybe overwork at uni stuff but it’s a good distraction and good discipline, it has a positive outcome (better grades) - maybe I’ve just over focused on food recently.

NotASingleFuckToGive But I'm not talking about people who are overweight when I say greed is applied to all sorts of situations. You don't automatically gain weight when you eat a Big Mac, for instance, yet there are people who say that it is 'greedy' to eat fast food. It isn't. It is 'greedy' to overeat fast food, or to eat it just so someone else can't (eating the last slices of pizza when you're full so someone else can't eat it for instance!).

Eating something processed or high in calorie as part of a varied diet is not, in itself, greedy, even if you are overweight.

OP, your problem stems from the fact that somewhere in your family is a wilfully ignorant, bullying, woman-hating cunt. Probably one of your parents, but possibly someone else.

You have been taught that women must be 'good', must be thin, must be pretty, must put themselves last all the time, and a woman who actively seeks out enjoyment is wicked and should be punished. You are not the only one, but you need help and support. For your own sake, though please stay WELL AWAY from any kind of 'anonymous/12-step' programmes. They are harmful bullshit anyway, but they are exceptionally toxic for eating disorders as they focus so much on humiliation and shame and viewing yourself as a wicked person. One of the big things about disordered eating which starts as a coping strategy for a person under intolerable pressure is that, unlike drug or alcohol abuse, the person with food issues can still function, on the whole. They can drive/work/look after others, even when they've overeaten hugely - or, up to a point, even when they are starving themselves. This is another reason why eating disorders affect women more than men...

From what you've posted, it seems to me that you struggle with balance in a number of areas of your life. And are unable to be tolerant of others who do have a balanced attitude.
Your lifestyle sounds regimented, and you come across as being happy, but I wonder whether you could be happier if you weren't so strict in your attitudes?

Yeah I think that’s probably really well observed OP. It sounds like you push yourself hard and in the right context that can be really positive.

Are you quite all or nothing? I can imagine a healthy relationship with food is difficult if you struggle to moderate your thoughts. It’s great that you recognise your might be misdirecting your efforts to control outcomes - your studies are a way in which you really can effect change by working harder. What other area of your life could really benefit from that? A creative hobby?

So much to do with perception of self and relationships is actually too hard to control. There are too many unknown variables and a different approach is warranted here.

Singing -not all mental health services are broken. Round her OP would get support with about 8 weeks.

OP forget the food issue - I'm pretty sure you have an anxiety disorder? Trying so hard to be perfect will
Break you. Honestly - ask for therapy?

Sorry - round *here

Ah OP I used to be like you. I’m out the other side now. But there was some shitty stuff to deal with in the meantime. Rock bottom isn’t what you think it is.

I've been in your shoes so trust me when I say you have a problem and you need help. However, from being in your shoes I know that you are already well aware of this, and it wouldn't surprise me if you're enjoying being told you have a problem because that means you're doing a good job of starving yourself.

Please get help.

So I’m a therapist. EDs are not my specialty and of course I’m not saying I can or would diagnose you over the internet, but OP, the posters who have pointed out how the anxiety has transferred over to your eating habits are right. While you’re correct that you likely wouldn’t qualify as anorexic (assuming your BMI is in the average range for your height), you tick nearly every box for orthorexia. You might qualify for an over-exercising disorder as well, though it’s hard to say for sure since you haven’t given a lot of detail here.

With either condition, it doesn’t mean that your eating habits are necessarily unhealthy or that anyone is trying to force you to eat a bunch of sugar, gain weight, or stop exercising, so there’s no need to get defensive. It’s less about changing your habits and more about your attitude towards food and exercise, how rigidly you follow those self-prescribed rules, and how you respond to seeing other people breaking your food rules (i. e. with anxiety or judgement). I strongly suggest you go back to whoever diagnosed you with a panic disorder and ask for a therapy referral to treat orthorexia. Cognitive behavioral therapy can be quite effective in changing your rigid, black and white beliefs about food (for example, all food is either good or bad, clean or dirty, when in reality that’s not the case) and medication can help regulate the level of anxiety you have about eating, exercising, and changing up those routines. I know you said your previous medication for panic disorder made you gain weight, but there are many alternatives that won’t cause issues. Often a very low dose of an SSRI like Lexapro or Paxil is all it takes.

www.mirasol.net/eating-disorders/orthorexia.php

Forensics, maybe you missed the bit about being a size 10? I’m a healthy weight for my height, I don’t need to be told I’m starving myself, I’m maintaining a healthy weight after losing a couple dress sizes. That’s my good job.

No one in my family is a woman hating bully SGB

Spot on post, Hanuta

Um yes? And why not? You think people stuffing their faces with empty sugar is a better set of rules?

Everything in moderation, including moderation. That means it’s perfectly OK to have the odd ‘oh my this cake is amazing yes totally another slice!’ Or chocolate at Easter, or a big Christmas dinner. You just balance it out by eating well and being active the majority of the time.

We once went to the chippy and ate a full portion, then went back for seconds. We were straight off a nine day hike carrying all our kit and fuck me, I’d have eaten until I dropped I was so hungry. Yup, piggish but meh. I was fitter than I’ve ever been.

Healthy attitudes to food can include the odd treat and even the odd blowout. Your language of ‘gross chocolate monster’ etc is indicative of issues around food.

Rigid thinking around food isn’t healthy. If you eat well 95% of the time then the odd time you stuff your face/really gontontown with festival type food is totally, totally fine.

Well if you're OK and doing everything right and your friends and most of the people posting on this thread are all wrong, what's the point of your post?

I haven’t read the full thread but I will say that IMO it’s not this idea of “gorging on junk” that has led to an obesity crisis, it’s the yo-yo dieting going up/down/up/down from one fad diet to the next and never actually changing your lifestyle but eating loads when it suits and then starving yourself by whatever means when you realise you’ve piled on a few lb more than you had intended.

There’s a reason why 97% of those who diet never actually lose the weight, because they never explore what’s behind their need to overeat in the first place, they play the game of lose some gain some for all their lives until they actually succeed in altering their metabolism to the point where they will struggle to lose weight.

It has always been the case that people have over indulged at easter, Christmas and other such times. But for the rest of the year if you eat things in healthy moderation then you will not be affected by a bit of excess chocolate at other times.

I don’t eat chocolate because I went off it some eighteen months ago because of a medical condition. But that doesn’t impact on my opinions of other people that eat chocolate. They’re free to do what they want. The point at which you feel your friends expect you to eat is the point where you need to question why. People these days have all manner of differing diets. Sometimes because of health reasons but more often than not it will be because of dieting or a new lifestyle choice such as vegetarianism, and because we all eat such varied diets it’s practically unheard of for people to question and to nag people to eat certain kinds of foods. Therefore, if people are encouraging you to eat more you have to question why that is, and what it is about you that makes them sit up and take notice.

So what I’m getting from this thread is

• my thinking around food is black/white skewed
• there’s other shit going on but I’m making it about food
• should maybe see a doc about going back on my anxiety meds

And like logically that makes sense but I don’t feel logical about it and don’t know how to stop feeling that way.

@LemonysSnicket
You know, I get a slightly similar feeling. Bracelets are red, & dragonflies blue...

OP, as you've been told several times on this thread, if you're concerned about your relationship with food, it's advisable to look into what beat have to say; & to have an honest conversation with your GP given your thoughts & behaviours (as expressed in this thread) are amongst the things that are considered to be cause for concern. Eating Disorders are fatal when people are at a healthy weight - oh & as well as the large number of people of a healthy weight & lifestyle who eat it, there are plenty of anorexics who eat chocolate, including some so severely underweight they need IP treatment. So you can cool it on the "ZOMG! Only fat people ever eat chocolate!" - I've just enjoyed 250kcal of delicious vegan pseudo-Mars Bar & my BMI is 16.4 (hadn't realised it was quite that low, does explain why hard chairs are so uncomfortable at the moment... oh, for a functioning GI tract) - or is that Still Fat to you? At some point it will be. Because however much weight someone with an eating disorder loses, it is never enough. The "perfect weight" just gets lower & lower as it turns out life doesn't magically improve as the goals are reached.

Nobody is perfect. Nobody CAN be perfect. Pushing oneself to do well is laudable. Piling on so much pressure you almost die trying in pursuit of the unobtainable Is. Not. Worth. It.

It does, genuinely, concern me that you may be seeking validation here because you think size 10 is Too Fat to have an eating disorder &/or you're not getting the reception you want elsewhere. Which I realise sounds harsh - there's literally no way for it not to. It is a genuine concern though - both that you'll be tempted to listen to the very few people who'll tell you that you're just fine & you should carry on; & also that you'll put off seeking any kind of help & may in fact see having an eating disorder as a positive thing. If the latter is true, people here telling you that they think you are unwell is in no way helpful to you. Eating disorders are massively complicated & they can mess with people in terrible ways - people who can't lie to save their lies will go to insane lengths to disguise their [lack of] eating habits; & the gentlest-quietest of souls will become banshee-level shriekers over eating a tiny snack. I'd not think anything of you as a person if this is about actively wanting to hear you've an ED - as I said, they mess with people's heads. Maybe have a think about exactly what you truly want from this post - why ask MN rather than looking up any of the plethora of "could I/does my friend have an eating disorder?" sites & going from there? Or indeed use the bit of the board about EDs? (Yes, I know, it's MN & everyone is free to post about anything etc. But there are reasons for making those choices all the same.) You don't sound as if you're in a good or healthy place right now; & I am worried that making this post is a part of that in one way or another - it's just difficult to discern exactly which.

OP, it is pretty clear you have some issues, and i guess your friends are genuinely just a bit concerned about you.

If you disagree then carry on as you are - if you are healthy and a size 10 then good for you.

But don't ask for peoples opinions, provide breathtakingly obvious example of someone with issues round food, then get cross / defensive / insulting.

It's good to be disciplined and have goals in life. I fully understand the need to be in control - I'm like that too.

But I also recognise that life is also supposed to be fun. You're supposed to enjoy things. You're supposed to be happy. And you don't sound any of that.

You don't have to feel logical about it. Just go to the doctor.