To have told DD that she looked fat in that?

[ShushTush]

DD is 20 and has fluctuated between a size 10-16 since she hit puberty.

At her biggest she was a size 16 a few years back and it really affected her confidence. It was mainly due to bingeing on family packs of sweets and chocolate.

She was going out tonight with a cropped top on and it really wasn't all that flattering (she's a size 12 at the moment) and I immediately told her as I didn't want anyone else to. Obviously she was very pissed off and insisted she looked fine so I said her opinion was all that matters and off she went.

I feel crap now of course. I had advised her a while back that she's looking chunky and she should exercise more. I always advise exercise rather than diets as she's tried really restrictive ones before.

I'm overweight with a lot to lose (since DC) and I've told her that I don't want her to end up like me as it creeps on slowly so she needs to keep on top of it, not to put her down but so she doesn't end up like me.

WIBU. Hate to think of her going out feeling like crap .

I think you did the right thing. It’s honest. Being fat is unhealthy and a size 12 is not healthy. I’m overweight at a 12 as are most people. Also you were trying to save her from nasty people laughing at her. Crop tops only look nice on a size 6-8. I can’t even wear one as a size 10.

Well, they make crop tops in every size so I’m guessing plenty of people above a 6-8 buy them! Maybe it’s not actually a universal, immutable law then..? I suppose you can only hope that all those deluded women of size 10 and above who have the brazen gall to go out in their crop tops without having toned their abs to the required standard have friends and relatives like the OP who so kindly point out their deficiencies before they go out in public. Because if a woman went out in public NOT looking as decorative as possible then that would be terrible, wouldn’t it? I expect people would actually start puking and fainting in the streets if they had to look at an exposed midriff that IHateMeat hadn’t previously approved as being acceptably thin.

Fat women should just be ashamed of themselves, oh and dress sizes are both utterly meaningless and also define you as fat if you go over a 10 in which case you must cover up entirely every time you leave the house - which had better be to go to the gym btw and do be prepared to meet gales of laughter and taunting in the street BUT ONLU BECAUSE WE ARE CONCERNED FOR YOU HEALTH BECAUSE OF THE NHS.

I think that covers everything, yes?

I remember when I was about nine years old I was leaving the school gates one day and had fashioned my t shirt into a crop top, like the other girls. I wasn't sure about it as I didn't have great body image even then, so I asked my mum for reassurance. In front of one of the other mums she said "I'm not sure you should wear it like that" and made a face.

Hello eating disorder that will persist into my twenties! Bye bye tooth enamel!

My mum loves me very much and I've never mentioned this story to her again as she'd be horrified, but I still remember exactly where I was standing, what I was wearing, who was there etc. It was humiliating.

You sound like you're too focused on weight, probably because of your own issues. Best not to mention it at all - a comment from you is not going to be the factor that finally decides whether your daughter's habits change, especially if said comment makes her feel crap (which will probably send her straight to the family sized chocolates)

Honestly, I don’t even like crop tops but this thread is making me want to buy one and dance through the streets.

When I lost weight, People didn't tell me I looked slimmer or compliment me, yet when I was overweight they would very vocally share their thoughts and it hurt. I cant help wonder why people are quick to say something negative but not do the same with a positive, in fact the only comments I got was from some of my mums friends who asked if I had cancer a I was now so thin! I am now a happy size 14 with curves and the odd bit of fat, I will take comments, either negative or positive in my stride, but i am 53 if I was your daughters age I would be gutted if my mum called me fat.

Jena, people asked if you had cancer? You need to find some new friends that's appalling.

My experience is the opposite. When I put on weight no one mentions it. When I lose it,I get lots of compliments.

I can’t stand people commenting on my weight whether positively or negatively, fat or thin. I hate diet talk. I abhor the way women’s bodies are treated as public property and that everyone thinks they have the right to comment whether it’s on someone looking ‘too skinny’ or ‘she hasn’t got the legs/boobs/figure for that outfit’ etc.

And most of all, I loathe the way the judgemental feel themselves justified under the thin pretence of ‘health concerns’. Come off it! Let’s imagine if it was suddenly discovered that all the research was wrong and actually the optimum BMI was 30 and obesity was healthy (I know it’s not btw! I’m imagining that it was flipped for the sake of a hypothetical scenario!) Would everyone on here who are so quick to jump in with their condemnation of size 12 and above ONLY BECAUSE OF THEIR HEALTH, HONEST do a u-turn and start pontificating about everyone’s duty to eat more doughnuts and set a good example? No, they wouldn’t. Their disgust for fat women comes from their absorption of accepted beauty standards, it’s about aesthetics and nothing more. They just love a chance to judge others and bask in a sense of moral superiority and fat-bashing gives them the perfect opportunity to do so. And fat women are just as capable of it as thin women, as evidenced by the OP. We have all absorbed this toxic message about what women’s bodies should look like and what their purpose in society is. Anyone proclaiming on high that crop tops are barred from certain bodies is playing their part in perpetuating the poison.

YABU. My mum did this to me from the age of 13, I used to wear crop tops and she would scream at me to go and put a cardigan on as "I was making her feel cold".

I also have large breasts and at the age of 16, I would be told not to bend down as everyone would see my boobs. She did it at a family christening once and my gran told me that I looked beautiful and that my mum was just jealous.

Oh and I also had the you're too fat to wear a bikini at size 12. On a college trip abroad, I wore my bikini and no one raised an eyebrow. I now realise that she was jealous of my then figure and would make nasty comments to make herself feel better. Looking at photos of me back then, I wasn't fat, I had an hourglass shape and looked beautiful. I just wish I had appreciated it more at the time.

She still makes comments about my food, every time I eat something that doesn't have "low fat" and "diet" in front of it. I'm trying to lose weight and rebuilding my confidence.

Please don't tear your dd's confidence apart, the way mine was.

I also bought a boob tube with my pocket money at 15. I wore it once and then it disappeared. I later found out that after it had been washed, my mum had hidden it in her drawer because she didn't like me wearing it.

@Bluntness I never said I was the fashion police but DD often asks for my opinion about something she is wearing and her friends are always asking each other. So are you saying that the default response should always be ‘you look fabulous’ when asked even if this is not the truth? I am not advocating the OPs approach and comments about weight. In my experience this is never a discussion about weight or dress size, more about do you prefer x or y, what looks best with what and what might go better. I do not advocate the OPs Some clothes they buy online are just cheap, badly made and have very very odd sizing and look nothing like the picture on the website.

Dory, your focus was solely on revealing clothes on young women and your issues with it. It was not a general "if it doesn't look good and I'm asked" it was all about have you seen what some of "them" wear then going on about boobs and bums on display.

I would never classify a crop top, which shows an inch of two of tummy in the same bracket as having your breasts or bum hanging out as you immediately did, then to cap it off, you moved to how people would sneer at her.

Unpleasant to say the least. I had a young woman in our house at the weekend, 18 years old, she was wearing a cream crop top, she was probably a size twelve, it was round neck and long sleeved. It showed an inch of tummy above her waist band max. There was absolutely nothing indecent about it wearing a crop top is not the same as having your boobs hanging out or your arse hanging out in short shorts as you so eloquently put it and I've no idea why you went there. This thread is not about young women in overly revealing clothes.

My mum made comments like this my whole teenage years. She genuinely meant well. It totally fucked me up and I so wish I could go back to how ‘fat’ I was then because now I am much fatter and have zero confidence.

Also, the DD didn't ask the OP whether she looked good. The OP volunteered this opinion when she hadn't been asked for it. That's what my DM does constantly. It's not okay.

My mum (who is overweight) would make comments to me as a teenager about 1. my food intake and 2. my stomach/upper arms in certain items of clothing. As a result I have suffered with binge eating disorder my whole life, I'm paranoid about my arms to this day and I binge in secret, even lying to my husband about what I eat.

It doesn't take much effort to just keep your mouth shut.

Uabu. This will hurt her. Apologise. Don’t say a word about her figure again. Praise her for other things. Tell her she’s beautiful. Don’t comment on her weight. You have so much influence on her self esteem at any age.

OP you are appalling!

@CaptainBrickbeard

It's not a male vs female problem. It's an entire planet problem.

Obesity has increased. Weight related health issues have increased. The cost by 2025 will be 1.2 trillion a year - just on healthcare, never mind the cost to the economy.

People are ill. It's fuck all to do with aesthetics. I'm a healthy weight and healthy body fat percentage according to my doctor, but I'm straight up and down - I don't have a figure. I don't look good in a lot of styles because I've got no chest and no bum to fill them out. But I don't care, because I have less chance of getting heart disease which everyone in my family has died from.

I don't give a crap what someone looks like. But I care very much about my children growing up in a world where it is normal to be fat, and unacceptable to question anyone in that situation. Men are just has bad as women; their waistlines compared to the 60s and even 80s have gotten pretty disgustingly out of control.

And saying "don't tall about diet or weight" means our children will grow up obese. It is not ok. Ever.

Education. Over and over - education. Not fat shaming, not figure shaming. Education on diet, appropriate calorie intake activity.

Or should we all just sit back and let the world become a big obese blob because you don't want to upset anyone.

@seethesunaftersnow gosh calling me a cunt! What a nice person you are. I am clinically overweight at a size 12 as are most people. Being overweight is not good for your health.

The average number of people who can fit in safely in a lift has had to be decreased as people are getting bigger.

Plus sized ambulances are having to be produced because people are getting bigger.

Hospital floors need reinforcing to hold the truly morbidly obese, or the floor would give way under them.

The standard size of a door is increasing because people are getting bigger.

Wear and tear ok public transport is happening quicker due to the extra weight people are carrying and putting extra strain on everything.

Then there's the health issues - even simple things that you might no notice as it's not deadly but joint pain, back ache, getting out of breath faster than you should. Then all the life threatening health issues.

But no, your right, our concerns are just because someone looks bad in a top. Take a look at the bigger picture. It's nothing to do with what people look like.

But Ava, an obesogenic culture is perpetuated by toxic attitudes like the OP - buying piles of chocolate, associating it with shame and dictating what fat people can and can’t wear. We won’t solve the problem - and I don’t deny there is one - by behaving like that. Fat women exist. They can wear what the fuck they want. Yes to education and support and help - but nothing will be achieved by sneering and judging which the OP and many others on this thread are doing.

Obviously there's a problem with obesity, no one is disputing it. I make sure my DDs have a healthy diet and they're both a very healthy weight, and they love sport, especially gymnastics. I'm encouraging them to be healthy, ie a healthy weight for their height.

That's not the point here. We have an OP who is giving mixed messages, fat shaming her DD whilst putting Easter eggs at the end of her bed.

That won't help her DD lose weight, quite the opposite.

The biggest insult the kids in my class use is "fat". It's used by both boys and girls. They're 7 and 8 yo old. The most depressing thing is that they use indiscriminately, it doesn't matter what size or weight the kids it's aimed at are. They just know it's bad and mean and an insult.

Hospital floors need reinforcing to hold the truly morbidly obese, or the floor would give way under them.

How do they cope with the weight of all the furniture and equipment?