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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DD that she looked fat in that?

688 replies

ShushTush · 02/04/2018 00:45

DD is 20 and has fluctuated between a size 10-16 since she hit puberty.

At her biggest she was a size 16 a few years back and it really affected her confidence. It was mainly due to bingeing on family packs of sweets and chocolate.

She was going out tonight with a cropped top on and it really wasn't all that flattering (she's a size 12 at the moment) and I immediately told her as I didn't want anyone else to. Obviously she was very pissed off and insisted she looked fine so I said her opinion was all that matters and off she went.

I feel crap now of course. I had advised her a while back that she's looking chunky and she should exercise more. I always advise exercise rather than diets as she's tried really restrictive ones before.

I'm overweight with a lot to lose (since DC) and I've told her that I don't want her to end up like me as it creeps on slowly so she needs to keep on top of it, not to put her down but so she doesn't end up like me.

WIBU. Hate to think of her going out feeling like crap Sad.

OP posts:
CherryChasingDotMuncher · 02/04/2018 19:58

She's back home now and is fine. Forgot what I said before she got to the club

Of course she has. Whatever helps you sleep at night OP

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 02/04/2018 20:00

I also find it very disturbing that you're so concerned about the weight of your DD and future DILs post-baby, not that they're even conceiving yet, and want to help them keep it off. Never mind that they're healthy and happy or anything, no-siree, as long as they don't put in a few pounds whilst making a human 🙄😡

SharronNeedles · 02/04/2018 20:16

There is a time and a place to discuss your daughter's weight. Firstly, only do it if you are asked or genuinely concerned...not if you just don't like her outfit. Tact would also be useful

CaptainBrickbeard · 02/04/2018 20:26

I think it’s really disappointing that you’ve taken nothing on board, OP, and are misrepresenting all the replies.

Putting a bag of Easter eggs at the end of the bed isn’t a tradition I know of - sounds like a weird combination of Christmas stockings with Easter chocolate. Maybe you should think carefully about leaving a whole bag of them for each of your children - the young ones will learn the habits you teach them whether it’s conscious or otherwise. And I still cannot understand your strange belief that Easter eggs eaten during the day are fine but to consume them at night is somehow more damaging. As someone who has struggled with weight yourself, surely you understand that your daughter doesn’t have iron self-discipline and restraint or she wouldn’t have struggled with her weight at all. So if you leave chocolate out for someone with a history of bingeing then I don’t know how on earth you can be surprised or critical when they can’t resist. You set her up for it.

Please think carefully about what you are telling your daughter when you say she can’t wear a crop top or a bikini or whatever else unless she alters her body. That she isn’t good enough to wear them and will be sneered at. Think about how your attitude to your own body might be influencing that and think about how you want her to feel about her own. Fat women can wear bikinis; they can wear what they want. We don’t have to wear flattering clothes whatever our body shape or size. You will not help your daughter if you keep on being critical and judgemental. Please take that on board. She doesn’t have to develop an eating disorder or go NC to be damaged by what you are doing and your relationship will suffer if you carry on, even if she doesn’t walk away completely.

PennyDreadfull · 02/04/2018 20:29

"Let's face it, crop tops only suit those with flat tummies"

That's only your own opinion, and not shared by myself or others I know.

rascallyrascal · 02/04/2018 20:32

OP clearly you haven't got the answers you wanted. You were unkind to your daughter and should feel bad.

user1471426142 · 02/04/2018 20:39

My friends that have had the most issues around weight all had mothers that were obsessed with them becoming fat, making constant references to it etc. Obviously I’ve only got a small sample and while I wouldn’t go as far as saying their families caused their bulimia, they certainly contributed. Some people just do seem to be obsessed with weight in others and it can be tedious or upsetting when you feel scrutinised or judged. Before my wedding I started to become a bit obsessive and I was almost egged on by a particular family member. The lighter I was and/or the more control I had over eating the more praise I got. Conversely, when I’m heavier I feel judged, my eating is scrutinised and she dishes up portion sizes fit for a mouse for women (men are fine to eat what that want). I strongly believe if I’d have grown up in her house I’d have developed some damaging patterns of eating.

To be fair you’re probably right re the crop top but there would be nicer ways of having the conversation like discussing the cut of clothes and how certain styles might suit different sorts of figures more than others. In the same way that some colours work better on different complexions.

Doryismyname · 02/04/2018 20:39

Please tell me you're just trolling and wouldn't do this. You're posting like some dinosaur. Don't like what the younger generation wear eh? Why would they sneer at her if most of the others are dressed in the same sort of thing? The only person sneering is you.

I absolutely would tell my DD in the kindest terms possible if what she wore meant that she didn’t look her best, that her boobs were hanging out of over her top, that her tummy was hanging under crop top and that bum was hanging out of her hot pants. No one looks good dressed like this unless they are in a an airbrushed picture on BooHoo or Asos. If I wore something unflattering and asked my DDs opinion I would hope they would tell me the truth and she does. If telling the truth and saving my DD embarrassment makes me a dinosaur than so be it.

Bluntness100 · 02/04/2018 20:45

I absolutely would tell my DD in the kindest terms possible if what she wore meant that she didn’t look her best, that her boobs were hanging out of over her top, that her tummy was hanging under crop top and that bum was hanging out of her hot pants. No one looks good dressed like this unless they are in a an airbrushed picture on BooHoo or Asos

Oh right, becayse you're the fashion police and if you don't think it looks good that's all that matters, fuck what she thinks. Right?

I guess you always dress in a flattering manner so would welcome her telling you if you slipped. Or is it really more you just don't like women wearing revealing clothing? Want them to cover up themselves? Don't respect their right to chose?

HelenaDove · 02/04/2018 20:48

Oh come on Ava Dont pretend you dont know what i meant It IS hypocritical to pretend its all about the health while wanting a successful slimmer to remain at risk of serious risk of sepsis and other serious infections instead of having her 3 stone of loose skin removed which eliminates the risk. the risk to her health and possibly her life.

Idobelieveinfairies2018 · 02/04/2018 20:49

Yeah, my mother was like you. She was size 18 at 18 years old, lost it all by the time she was 21 (good for fucking her) and spent MY whole life telling me how fat I was, that she was ashamed to be seen in public with me, that i wasn't allowed to wear skirts as I was too fat. This was at 14 years old when I was a 5ft 8 size 12.

I am now 32 with b.e.d because of her 'I don't want u to struggle like I did' comments and at my heaviest 2 years ago was 22 stone and a size 24-26.

I've had to have ALOT of therapy to undo what she did and am on the road to recovery and thankfully in the last 6 months have started losing weight(currently just over 18 stone) and I haven't relapsed in those 6 months either.

You are doing your dd no favours in making these comments and the will hurt her alot more wen her own mother says them than some stranger.

A much better idea would be to find out WHY she feels the need/want to snarffle down a whole easter egg (oh the shame 🙄) or a family pack of chocolates. Especially, as she has gone on restrictive diets in the past...

Restriction is ALWAYS followed by a binge btw!

Shimshiminysheroo · 02/04/2018 20:55

Urgh.

The fact I was skinny due to stress until I left home meant that I was never on the receiving end of my mother's personal weight issues.

Once Ieft home and gained normal body weight, comments such as 'you look like an American footballer in that' abounded.

Get a fucking grip op.

Avasarala · 02/04/2018 20:58

If the NHS offered an option of having the surgery and allowing her to pay the cost back, or at least some of the cost back then go for it. But I will never think that someone should have £30 thousand spent on them because they overate.
I'm sure she could have it done in stages; tummy then thighs, arms whatever. And then pay for it herself or raise the money.

But when they can't provide life saving treatments to kids who are about to die, why should they fund treatment for someone who might get an infection, because of something they did.

Avasarala · 02/04/2018 20:59

If they manage to sort out the health service, then go for it.

Now, please stop stalking me around mumsnet because you don't like my opinion.

Bluntness100 · 02/04/2018 21:00

Helena/ Ava can you take your argument back to the thread you're discussing and take it off this one, it's not ok to use someone's thread as a platform to discuss another thread and have an argument about it.

Fluffybat · 02/04/2018 21:03

Did she ask you to tell her? My mum always tells me when I've put on weight because I fluctuate from a 12-16 and when I lost all my weight and got down to a 10 I asked her to akways tell me. It's not always great to hear and now after my DS I am a size 14/16 and mum knows I know I'm big so doesn't say anything. But she did go shopping with me to find clothes to suit my shape and will tell me I look round in certain things. So I guess it depends on the relationship you have with your dd. I'm 28 now and still ask my mum's opinion.

Avasarala · 02/04/2018 21:04

I left that thread as she just doesn't stop until you agree with her.

She apparently followed me to here.

Pinkvoid · 02/04/2018 21:09

You sound like a bully. I dressed like an absolute twat for a few years in my early teens but my mum never commented, she just let me do my thing. She didn’t ask your opinion so don’t give it. Also a size 12 is far from fat. Lose your own wait first before giving anyone else gip about theirs.

UnRavellingFast · 02/04/2018 22:11

She admitted to getting up at 3am this morning and snaffling one of the Easter eggs I had put at the end of her bed!

So you judge she's struggling with her weight but put several chocolate eggs at the bottom of her bed then tell her she looks chunky.

I can see her in ten years seething and not speaking to you if that's your attitude. If you want to 'help' her then why not healthy eating and food in the house? Commenting like you did is always damaging and never helpful.

Choklitdoknut · 02/04/2018 23:17

Who cares if you had your last baby 6 years ago, that's no reason to be a fat bully.

HelenaDove · 02/04/2018 23:32

Ava i would have posted on this thread anyway.

GardenGeek · 03/04/2018 03:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Octave777 · 03/04/2018 04:42

She's back home now and is fine. Forgot what I said before she got to the club. No plans for an eating disorder or to go NC at the moment but thanks you all for your concern.

Please don't joke about it. You said in your first post she has retrictively dieted and then she has eaten whole packs of chocolate in other post.

You weren't being kind monitoring her eatung habits or weight. You weren't being tactful. If she had bi ge eating disorder or something would she tell you.

Do you have to wait until her self esteem is crumbled to care? If you didn't like her top there are ways of approching it.

MrsGorilla · 03/04/2018 07:09

OP your arrogance in your update post is appalling. There’s a good reason your thread has 23 pages of replies, it’s because people are disgusted by what you said to your daughter and recognise your type of behaviour as what triggered their own eating problems, so they are telling you so for the benefit of your poor daughter.

Of course she’s going to tell you she’s fine and forgot all about it. It’s hard to tell someone they hurt you.

You KNOW you did a bad thing by what you said hence why you started the thread asking what people thought. So don’t come back here all snarky at our replies. And don’t get defensive. Put your daughters needs before your own need to defend yourself and don’t ever comment on her appearance again unless you’re going to be nice.

Addy2 · 03/04/2018 07:17

I know real life bulimics whose parents took your approach, OP. I think the two were linked and strongly suggest you leave her weight alone.