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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask how stay at home mums find a new partner that respects them?

162 replies

woosey35 · 01/04/2018 13:30

How do stay at home mums find a new partner? One who respects them? Possibly a professional man?? How can a stay at home mum have anything that a professional man may desire?

Sorry....confidence rock bottom!!

OP posts:
abigailsnan · 01/04/2018 13:37

Tell me how you think a "professional man" would have different issues than any other man I know many "professional men" who I wouldn't give house room to at any cost.
My DDs best friend was married to a top surgeon in his field and he mad e her life a misery with his DV so life is not always greener on the other side.

Bluecarrot · 01/04/2018 13:44

What would attract you to a SAHD?

NotASingleFuckToGive · 01/04/2018 13:45

It depends what you mean by professional, really. Dating I don't see why there would be a problem, since you'd have to be a bit shallow to choose someone based on their occupation alone.
But in the long term, if I wasn't working and looking for a professional man, I'd be wondering "where can it possibly go?". As I don't envisage a queue of professional men queuing to donate their professional income to support their non-working partner and her DC.

MCSpammer · 01/04/2018 13:48

Start by respecting yourself for who you are.

Decent people are attracted to kind, thoughtful, loving people whom they find attractive which is subjective.

If he likes you, he likes you regardless of whether you are a SAHM, a lawyer, a cleaner, an admin assistant or have your own business.

expatinscotland · 01/04/2018 13:48

If I were dating, I would not be attracted to someone who was not working who didn't have his/her independent income and I wouldn't want to take on someone else's kids, either.

NotASingleFuckToGive · 01/04/2018 13:50

By that I mean, I presume you aren't wanting "hook up" dates, you want to date with a view to it developing further, which usually is- date, date more, love, meet children, move in and marry.
And I just don't see many single, professional men with disposable income wanting to move in, marry and financially support a woman to be a SAHM to children who are not his.
I'm a semi-professional woman, and if i was single, a SAHD wouldn't be my first choice either I'm afraid.

expatinscotland · 01/04/2018 13:50

'If he likes you, he likes you regardless of whether you are a SAHM, a lawyer, a cleaner, an admin assistant or have your own business.'

It matters a lot if one is compatible in many ways of life - values, sex, money, etc. There's nothing shallow about only wanting to date people who are self-supporting.

Bixx · 01/04/2018 13:51

Do you have plans to re-train or go back to work at some point? Lots of people meet their partners through work.

TheFifthKey · 01/04/2018 13:51

I think many men would be worried that you were looking for someone to find your life, and that’s not a very attractive prospect. You don’t need to be loaded but when dating men do prefer women who seem a bit more independent.

mzcracker · 01/04/2018 13:55

Do you think you need to work outside the home in order for any one to respect you?
I met my husband as a sahm. He regularly tells me how much he respects and admires all I do for our home and children and vice versa.
Sadly I don't think you're alone in how you feel, certain people do look down on sahms.
Not everyone thankfully.

Didiusfalco · 01/04/2018 13:55

Honestly if situation was reversed I would give a wide berth to any single, unemployed Sahd. You’ve got to be realistic - there won’t be a queue of decent professional men who want a non working single mum.

Original poster
woosey35 · 01/04/2018 13:55

I definately wouldn’t be looking for someone just for financial gain. I mean more of someone who had drive and ambition

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 01/04/2018 13:57

Well, do you have drive and ambition? Like is usually attracted to like.

NameyMcChangeRae · 01/04/2018 13:58

Well, people I know with lots of drive and ambition are with other people with lots of drive and ambition.
What are your goals? Are you looking for someone the same as you, or someone who will carry you through life?

TerranceandPhilip · 01/04/2018 13:59

There's some refreshing honesty on this thread Star

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 01/04/2018 14:00

If I wasn't with my dc's father, then I wouldn't remain a sahm. It works for us because it is our family, so we are both equally invested. I wouldn't expect or want a new man to support me and my children - I would expect that to be something their dad and I do!

I guess two people could just meet and click, in which case money/jobs are a secondary factor to the initial connection. But truthfully, for something to last I believe you have to be equals - it's not an equal partnership imo if a man other than your children's father is financially supporting your family.

niceupthedance · 01/04/2018 14:04

I have a friend who is better suited to working in the home than outside of it; she loves cleaning and is houseproud, a great chef, glamorous and caring. Great with kids. She's now dating a man with his own business.

TheFifthKey · 01/04/2018 14:06

I’m a single parent and I’m always baffled by how people think being a SAHM as a lone parent is at all sustainable. Maybe for a year or so but not long term. I upped my hours to full time when I separated - I really felt it was my duty to maximise the available income to my family and ensure I could support them single handedly if necessary - yes I get maintenance but I don’t like to count on that.

NotASingleFuckToGive · 01/04/2018 14:08

Why are you wondering if a professional will want to date you, OP? Is there a reason you've discounted dating a SAHD, or an unemployed man, and jumped straight into your likelihood of dating a single professional man with high societal value.

If you want a professional for yourself, it stands to reason that these men will probably want the same.

If you expect more from a man than you're offering yourself, it's likely that you'll be single for a while!

RedSkyAtNight · 01/04/2018 14:10

If you did meet a new partner would your expect to continue to be a SAHM? If so, this either means you are able to financially support yourself and your children (not with benefits as these tend be affected by a new partner), or you expect your new partner to support you.

I would suggest that you are likely to make yourself more attractive to future partners, if you can demonstrate that you will not be reliant on them financially.

expatinscotland · 01/04/2018 14:11

'I have a friend who is better suited to working in the home than outside of it; she loves cleaning and is houseproud, a great chef, glamorous and caring. Great with kids. She's now dating a man with his own business.'

So she had a business working from home then? Confused

FaFoutis · 01/04/2018 14:13

It your position OP I would be looking for a profession rather than a man. Much better for you all I think.

PeanutButterCheesecake · 01/04/2018 14:16

I am a professional woman.

I would not date an unemployed person. If I was to date, I'd be looking for someone in similar circumstances to me.

ShiftyMcGifty · 01/04/2018 14:17

Is this like Mad Men where Betty lines herself up another high professional man to support her and her 3 kids?

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 01/04/2018 14:18

Is this real? It seems very goady?

In answer to your question typically the only person who finds specifically SAHM as a role attractive is the father of the children who benefits from the role. I am sure you have other attractive qualities though and these are what you trade on when you are looking for a partner.

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