Aibu to ask how stay at home mums find a new partner that respects them?

[woosey35]

How do stay at home mums find a new partner? One who respects them? Possibly a professional man?? How can a stay at home mum have anything that a professional man may desire?

Sorry....confidence rock bottom!!

It doesn't have to. My first job back from 3 years out and as a single parent was a full time permanent contract office job.

But I guess that doesn't fit in with the mumsnet downtrodden single parent dialogue

@kimanda @expatinscotland my friend doesn't have kids and I was diplomatically saying she doesn't like working. She's a very good wife material for those type of men who enjoy being looked after in exchange for a lifestyle though. So they are out there. Obviously.

The men who do this are called sugar daddies or Pay Pigs for good reason

Bold fail, oops!

I've said in previous posts I think it depends on the disability. I know that Primary Schools are a lot more inclusive than they used to be. They have SENCO & SEND professionals who help with a wide spectrum of issues.

In youngest's school they have children with Downs to children her are low functioning Autism to all sorts. My youngest is very empathetic and plays with some mute children, showing them things, they communicate in their own special way.

On DIY SOS there was a woman who was a Lawyer with 2 severely disabled boys. She hopes to return to her career one day I believe. So having a disabled child / being a disabled adult isn't always a barrier to working.

Im glad your first job back to work was a full time, permanent job - it isnt for thousands of us though. And that's not a 'downtrodden, single parent dialogue', it's a reality. If you're not aware of that, you've got your head in the sand!

As I've said before I think it turned the way it did because the word professional was used, over someone who is funny, intelligent, has similar hobbies and interests.

It's a shame OP has gone as a lot of good points have been made.

There are three possibilities for how the OP is currently managing to support herself and her DC:
A) benefits
B) maintenance from her child’s father
C) Savings/inherited income/trust fund

It’s a bit sad that none of the posters on this thread have considered B) as a possibility but have just taken it for granted that he’s done a runner leaving the state to pick up the tab. If the OP is financially secure without reliance on benefits then clearly the men she meets may have a different attitude (which would give her good reason to look for a man who has means of his own to rule out the cocklodgers).

@Smeaton my dream job (due to hours/demands) was at Tesco Express. Nope not good enough,they rejected me.

@Smeaton it ended up being a blessing in the end. I work in a school now,the pay is shit but the hours are perfect. Plus I get to feel smart every now and then.😬

'@MrsSchadenfreude That's disgraceful. What a horrible, horrible attitude you have. I hope you never have your OWN disabled child'

I don't think what she said was disgraceful at all and I have a disabled child. I wouldn't want to date someone who didn't want to deal with that part of my life, fair play to him/her for not wasting my time.

People are allowed to set their own parameters for whom they want to date. That doesn't make them horrible people at all.

The issue with big income disparities and having young kids/small children/disabled children is that there will be inequality in things you can do without one have to pay for the other and/or time constraints that a lot of people would find too difficult to overcome or not want to deal with. There's nothing wrong with that. There have been myriads of threads on here from women dating men who have a lot going on with their ex's/kids and/or big income differences which mean they can't enjoy the same things together without one paying for the other a lot and the overwhelming advice is not to feel bad about walking away from dating such a person.

Op - I don’t think being a SAHM makes you in any way unattractive.

I consider myself primarily a SAHM, but work PT as a WAHM. I can’t say I ever considered it would count against me when meeting a new partner. Which I did (online).

I do wonder if you are being very hard on yourself?

There are men who want a wife rather than a partner, but they probably don’t make particularly good husbands!

No-one is saying the OP is unattractive, and no-one is being judgemental or nasty. People are just being honest. I have not seen ONE person be 'NASTY' on the thread, or say the OP is 'unattractive;' just that a 'professional man' will most likely be seeking someone similar to him, and will be unlikely to want to be supporting a SAHM with kids (and kids who are not his.)

Shame the OP has left the thread because too many people said what she didn't like to hear.

I guess it also matters what you mean by professional . High wages,high flyers, doctors,lawyers,bankers etc? Or accountant,teacher,NHS staff etc? Or a mix of any of those?

I met my DH as a single sahm. I also have a disabled DD and I have disabilities myself. It's never really bothered my DH, and he certainly has a lot of respect for me and we have a fully equal marriage with full access to finances. DH tended to pay for everything when we were dating, so it didn't affect what activities we could do together. He has a professional career and earns a good salary (6 figures), enough for me to be a sahm in London. We met through a sporting hobby. I never went out with the specific purpose of meeting a partner, let alone a professional one - I wanted to improve my fitness and develop sports skills and meet friends in general.

We were attracted to each other because of our looks, personality and sense of humour, and things like my family or financial circumstances didn't really come into it. I am lucky to live close to my family so childcare for evening dates were never a problem, and we were able to go out to do interesting things like going to gigs or theatre and not just sit at home watching Netflix just because I couldn't get a sitter.

I claimed benefits to support me and DD when I was single, and I lost my means-tested benefits, including child benefit, when DH and I got married, and he had no issues with combining finances so everything was family money. I still receive carers allowance, DLA and PIP. DD's dad isn't involved in her life and doesn't pay maintenance, so DH regards us all (with the dc we have together) as one family unit and doesn't treat her differently.

OP the vast majority of single mums do end up meeting new partners in time, the average length of time for a single mum to stay single is only five years. So there is a good chance that you'll meet someone, but I agree that I've been lucky to have childcare available because physically getting out to meet someone is half the battle.

I don't think a man (or woman) would have much issue dating a sahp who was independently wealthy, but I think it is human nature to want to use your resources for your own family. When you meet someone, you don't just fall in love the second you clap eyes on them. Falling in love is often a choice - you choose to go for coffee/dinner and over time you get to know a person and love them.
If their life looks too hard at first meeting, or you perceive that they want your resources more than they want you, I suspect most people would choose not to persue a relationship.

I always think that if you are beautiful inside or and outside there won't be short of men who want to be with and respect you as long as you are out there to meet them in the first place.

In my experience, relationships where there is a big disparity in income at the start are really difficult to make work. Either the lower earning partner has to get into debt to keep up with the lifestyle of the higher earner, the higher earner has to pay for everything, or the lower earner can't go on holiday etc so the higher earner goes with their friends and the lower earner gets resentful. It seems easier when like marries like and there is more equality.

You see this a lot on Mumsnet with people who have a higher earning boyfriend - "my boyfriend is so mean as he went on holiday without me because I couldn't afford to go". Its a big hassle for both people. OP, if you really aren't a gold digger, I don't see why you need a "professional" - lots of men are carers for children or elderly relatives or are disabled themselves, and may be a better match for you financiall.

OP, I don't have any useful advice for finding such a man, but I wish you all the best in finding a partner that loves and respects you for yourself. Best of luck with your daughter's care; it cannot be easy and I'm sure you are doing a great job in a difficult situation. Being a carer for your daughter does not stop you being an intelligent or interesting person in your own right, and you are doing something really valuable.

OP, out of interest would you consider a non professional?

A kind, intelligent, interesting man with who is hot in bed and makes you laugh. Or does none of that matter if he doesn't fit your idea of professional?

Now ask who is being judgemental.

As a disabled, single Mother I personally could be married to a millionaire and couldn't bring my self to spend his money. I would feel better with a professional though, as I used to be one myself, just like OP. I totally get what she means and I think some people on here are acting like trolls when they would all PREFER somebody professional in OP's situation. Give her a break.