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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask how stay at home mums find a new partner that respects them?

162 replies

woosey35 · 01/04/2018 13:30

How do stay at home mums find a new partner? One who respects them? Possibly a professional man?? How can a stay at home mum have anything that a professional man may desire?

Sorry....confidence rock bottom!!

OP posts:
happypoobum · 01/04/2018 15:07

I suspect that you will find it difficult to attract a partner when you are a full time carer to your disabled child. However, it's certainly not impossible.

The one thing that would reduce your chances would be any whiff of you wanting/needing a bloke to support you.

My advice would be to lead as independent and successful a life as you can given your difficult circumstances, if you have any opportunities to develop interests or retrain outside of the home, then grab them with both hands.

Takeaweeseat · 01/04/2018 15:10

And is it disablist, if someone wants to adopt a child, to say that they prefer one that is not disabled?

It is on Mumsnet.

Bluelady · 01/04/2018 15:10

MrsS was being totally honest. Her choice and it would also be mine.

Like other pps, I wouldn't have entertained a man who didn't work. My career was important to me and I'd have had nothing in common with someone who stayed at home.

onefootinthegrave · 01/04/2018 15:11

there won’t be a queue of decent professional men who want a non working single mum

Why do people have such a bug up their arse about women who want to stay at home while their kids are growing up?

I don't have a problem with mums who choose to go back to work, so why are people so judgemental of those of us who don't?

starzig · 01/04/2018 15:15

I think the point is a lot of men do not ideally want to work hard 6 days a week to provide for someone else's children.

SunnyCoco · 01/04/2018 15:16

I don’t define myself by my job / career or lack of it :)

It’s about the person isn’t it, not necessarily how they pay the bills

Best of luck

Smeaton · 01/04/2018 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Helmetbymidnight · 01/04/2018 15:17

A lot of men won't see it as a negative. Some men will.

The important thing is for you to feel positive about your life- that's attractive.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/04/2018 15:17

It’s fairly simple, just don’t need anything practical or financial from them

ClaryFray · 01/04/2018 15:18

It depends on circumstances, I enjoy going out and having days to do things. If a partner couldn't join me in those I'd get bored.

DaisytheDaftDaffodil · 01/04/2018 15:18

You can have drive and ambition and have a low paid job. You could be an artist or another career you do for the love of the job.

For me I've been the other end where my BF who later became husband wasn't happy in his job, so I said what would your ideal job be, would you think about retraining. So I subsidised them.

I like like attracts like, so drive and motivation career wise would attract the same, someone who is driven and motivated.

I'm sure that given your circs they would understand, but the word professional still bothers me. It's like if the guy worked in a warehouse you wouldn't be overly interested. But they could be perfect just training to do something else and doing warehouse work to keep them going whilst training. Another example, if they worked for a charity, wouldn't that show positive attributes? Or if they were disabled and couldn't work, they could have been high flying but something prevents them from doing it.

RebelRogue · 01/04/2018 15:19

@andyandapril the only childcare help is school and one friend that has DD(she had her twice so far this year) and i have hers.
It's not about working vs SAHM.
Let's face it,not many people,male or female would take full financial responsibility for another grownup and their kids deliberately.

Cathmidston · 01/04/2018 15:19

People seem to be being horrible on this thread. OP didn’t say she wanted a meal ticket, just a reasonably intelligent guy with similar outlook to date... well that was my impression.
Honestly OP I had far more interest from men when I was a single SAHM than now when I’m back in my profession... probably because they perceived I would have had more time for them. I was and still am too busy to be bothered with it (men that is) Flowers

RedSkyAtNight · 01/04/2018 15:20

I have no issue with a woman (or man) who chooses to stay at home while their kids are growing up. I would (in common with others on this thread) have an issue with being expected to fund that choice when they were not my own children and the child's own parents were not providing sufficiently for them.

NotASingleFuckToGive · 01/04/2018 15:22

Just as an aside, I did meet my professional DH when I had a disabled DS.
However, I was working p/t and was studying for a degree. DH has said it was my organisation, drive and planning for my future which added more dynamics, and in turn made me attractive when on the face of it, I was a lone parent to disabled DS, which to most men is not, I imagine, an alluring combination.
Had I been a single mother on benefits with a disabled baby then he probably wouldn't have been interested. I accept that, and with no hard feelings, because if he'd been a bloke on New Deal/ Dole then I wouldn't have been interested in him either, as I had ambition myself.

Cathmidston · 01/04/2018 15:23

needsasock summed it up perfectly. You’ll have no problem dating if you don’t expect anything financially/ practical from them .... which it doesn’t sound like you want anyway x

onefootinthegrave · 01/04/2018 15:26

Smeaton

If it didn't have such an impact on how we're seen in society I'd laugh at people's snobbery, because that's what I think it is. I know earlier on you said you were a SAHD, you might have already seen this, it applies to you too!

RebelRogue · 01/04/2018 15:26

@onefootinthegrave because if you say I just want to meet a nice,honest,kind man that's fair enough.
But once you up the stakes to professional,possibly a certain income bracket,drive,ambition etc then not only the pool of men becomes smaller it also comes with certain standards and expectations.

It's highly unlikely I'd have a successful relationship with a high flyer as I'm too loud,too outspoken,too fat,i hate "fancy" food, social functions, competitiveness , smart/fancy dresses, etc.

TheJoyOfSox · 01/04/2018 15:30

The op sound ‘Gold-diggery’ to say the least. How about finding someone you like, someone with similar values to you, who makes you laugh, treats you with respect and gets on well with your kids, rather than a “professional “

It’s what many would call “putting the cart before the horse”

NotASingleFuckToGive · 01/04/2018 15:32

Controversial maybe, but I do wonder how lone parents who can't work due to their DC, get out on dates in new relationships in the first place. Unless they are having their new dates at home where the DC are, that is.
Is it a case of babysitter/childminders are accessible only for fun things in life, but not for the essentials?

This isn't a dig, but I do know a few women who say they cannot afford childcare, but are always able to find it when the activity which necessitates it is enjoyable.

Riversleep · 01/04/2018 15:33

It's quite an ask to meet someone, reveal you are a single parent and that you don't work and will be unable to work for the foreseeable. If that person doesn't really know you, they would be within their rights to decide it was too much for them to take on.

mindboggled88 · 01/04/2018 15:33

I think the answer is find a man who looks deeper than your professional life.

Certcert · 01/04/2018 15:34

Controversial. But the only way a professional, 'good' single man would respect a single stay at home mum, is if she's a stunner.

I'm not sure it would be a respect thing; maybe more of an attraction thing. You can be respected and be non-stunning, ya know?! Grin

DaisytheDaftDaffodil · 01/04/2018 15:34

As someone who is disabled I'm not offended by MrsS. Through out my health getting worse, I've experienced a pattern of behaviour from friends / family etc that show a lot of people can't cope with it.

They'll be friends / gather facts / then comes the we're going to cure you with vinegar and honey stage / when they realise you can't be cured they go distant.

OP hasn't really said what kind of disability it is, I think that would help as disability covers a wide spectrum of issues. Look at the Paralympics.

I guess I'm lucky that as I've been ill most my life my family have made sure to focus on me as a person, over my defined by disability. That is a big thing, people let the disability be all defining if that makes sense.

As a guy if the child was school age I would wonder why OP didn't do something during the day as employment law supports carers, so in a way, you could forgive a guy for thinking OP could possibly do something, even if voluntary.

It does really depend on the disability.

I'm a big believer of if you're meant to be you'll be.

elfycat · 01/04/2018 15:35

To answer the thread question, you have to find a boyfriend first, get through a series of dates and see where it goes.

So the question is where can you find the type of men you want to date. Do you have professional friends who you could socialise with and may have single colleagues? Dating sites for professionals?

Just chatting to DH about it and he thinks in a scenario where I became single I could look at paid for dating apps and dinner meeting things. Not that I'm planning to be single anytime Smile

But I think it's more a confidence thing that is bothering you. Maybe another thread about how to get back mojo with your circumstances. It's not about the man you might meet, it's about being in the right headspace to be able to take opportunities if they arise / make opportunities happen.

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