Aibu to ask how stay at home mums find a new partner that respects them?

[woosey35]

How do stay at home mums find a new partner? One who respects them? Possibly a professional man?? How can a stay at home mum have anything that a professional man may desire?

Sorry....confidence rock bottom!!

Another sham bash. Thanks mumsnet

Thanks sickofthomasthetank - that’s absolutely the case. It’s more the determination/drive/ambition/energy......not the ‘profession’ itself. It’s just that in my experience, a man with these qualities are usually professional. Hence why I used that terminology. Sadly a lot of folk on here see me as a gold digger. That’s absolutely not the case AT ALL. I wouldn’t want any of the money..it’s more of an equality based on personalities and interests. I’d be fully self sufficient and incredibly proud. I think maybe a lot of posters are using this as a sounding board for some underlying anger. Apologies for using the ‘wrong’ definition in the title.

I think potential partners would be more likely to respect you for who you are OP if you extend them the same courtesy.

Why only a professional? Presumably due to the salary or you would have said highly educated instead.

I wouldn't want to date a non working partner, I'd rather have an equal that shares it all.

I understand what you are saying by professional and I think you've been given a bit of a hard time. im also looking to meet someone and basically I want to meet someone who has drive and ambitions, can look after themself! I do currently work ft but I don't earn a lot at the moment, but I have ambition and know I couldn't be happy with someone who was lazy or lacked a bit of get up and go.

Downside is I have 5 kids ( no maintenance from exh) so I'm realistic that no man in his right mind would want to take me on, as even though I can financially support us, they would be rightfully terrified I'd end up a massive financial burden. Sometimes it makes me quite sad.

Dangerous, no one is bashing sahms. Its totally different for a man to take on a benefit-dependent woman who has a child by someone else though than it is for him to support his wife to support his own child.

If you really do want to meet a professional man, you should seriously look into getting some sort of work. I know its not easy (my sister has a disabled child and it took her a long time to find a special needs nanny), but even if you work part-time from home or work weekends it would still show that you are willing to work and trying to be independent. If you have the time to date and the means to pay someone to look after your child while you date, perhaps you could use that time and money to find childcare while you work and put working above dating until you establish yourself again. A professional man would be more likely to respect that approach.

OP, if you’re still reading... I apologise for my initial flippant response. Your first post did trad a bit goady but upon further explanation, my two cents are...

When people date, they’re bit like grazing deer and get easily spooked. First sign of neediness sends them running off. Be that too many texts in a day, the word “future” at any point on a date... who knows.

Most people have their own baggage and issues they’re working through as they date.

It really depends on your support network and set up. If you have friends and family that rally round you and enable you to have free time, then dating and relationships won’t be an issue. If you have money and can hire sitters and don’t have financial worries, then dating won’t be a problem.

You can chose to slowly introduce aspects of your life to a person you’re dating, should you wish to become exclusive, etc.

If you’re the main carer and a free night is rare, money is tight and you feel frazzled and worried... well, your date will pick up on it.

woosey35 - your question is a bit odd, tbh. What do you think professional men desire and why do you think SAHMs lack it? One thing that might well put anyone off dating you is the fact that you appear to look down on yourself. So what if you used to be a professional woman? Are you not the same woman, now, just in different circumstances? Or did your career define you, not your actual personality? If you think you are a lesser person now than you used to be, that doesn't come across to me as a very appealing prospect.

My experience of Internet dating was this:

Both friend and I set up accounts on Guardian Soulmates - ie. a certain kind of 'professional' :) We're attractive enough, witty, well-educated, nice, mid-30s...

My friend shot to the top of the 'most popular' woman board. I did not get a snifter/nudge/wink whatever it was.

I feel - although I can't verify this obvs - that the difference was that she was child-free, and I was PT with a young child.

Maybe if the guys met me 'naturally', it would have been ok, but in the world of OD, men felt they could do better.

Fair enough.

The good news is, I went on Match.com - slightly less professional/po-faced and I was inundated with fellas! And ended up with a very nice one too. :)

Keep your mind open, OP, and value yourself.

A lot of people are being arseholes on here OP, and a lot of people have chips on their shoulders. You are a full-time carer for a seriously disabled child - that's a very respectable and difficult thing to do. It's a job on its own. You don't need financial support from anyone and you just want someone who worked in the same sort of field as you. I think this is ALL very reasonable and your courage is to be admired. I'm sorry that so many people haven't RTFT but I agree with PP who said you should try dating online on the newspaper sites and a few other online places. Good luck! Head up and remember how vital your role is to your DC. I appreciate not everyone would want to take on a child with disabilities, but absolutely some people will.

FWIW On the flip side I briefly dated a single dad (I'm a single mom) who did work and he turned out be the biggest ass hole. He spent his money on himself and not his children. Beyond meeting their basic needs his life was about him. Being in work does not define a person IMHO but.... I would set alarm bells ringing for me if a single parent was not doing something other than parenting. I volunteered when mine were really tiny, even just a few hours per week and I studied via the Open uni. Just doing something other than being a parent adds so much value to your life and will add value to your CV and future prospects. Its attractive to me that someone wants to better their life and add value to it. Can you do some voluntary work or do some online courses?? Maybe your low self esteem could be boosted by you taking some time for yourself and engaging in something you are passionate about.

I agree with Shifty. I too thought you were being a little goady at the start but also understood more as I read along. My advice still stands, trade on your attributes which I am sure are plenty as are many SAHMs personality, looks, values, education etc etc etc. I still don’t imagine being a SAHM is what will attract you to anyone who is not the father of your child.