Aibu to ask how stay at home mums find a new partner that respects them?

[woosey35]

How do stay at home mums find a new partner? One who respects them? Possibly a professional man?? How can a stay at home mum have anything that a professional man may desire?

Sorry....confidence rock bottom!!

“I think there is a massive difference between being a SAHM and being a full time carer and you may have had different responses OP if you had said that at the start”

This ^^
I was a full time carer for DD for the first four years of her life. I received the highest level of DLA and carer’s allowance. As soon as her medical issues were resolved I went back to work.

Just to add the professional bit may have been the wrong word. But you want someone with similar interests and hobbies maybe.

As others have said, you could be the CEO of a company and still be a total arse.

OP - what would attract you to a SAHD with a disabled child and what would put you off them?

When I met my now xh he was unemployed and stb homeless. We hit it off , he moved in and we were together 16 years before splitting up

He has had two very successful businesses since then

I get the argument that as a professional person you want to meet similar but that was you OP before your circs changed

Good luck

MrsS I totally agree with you - and those trying to compare your opinion to racism or any other kind of ism are frankly absurd.

onefootinthegrave
Why do people have such a bug up their arse about women who want to stay at home while their kids are growing up?

I don't have a problem with mums who choose to go back to work, so why are people so judgemental of those of us who don't?

I doubt anyone gives a damn whether you SAH or not but they would rather not pay for your non-working lifestyle and children and who could blame them?

OP, if you are looking for someone professional with drive and ambition, I think it's likely they will be looking for the same in return. I've no idea if you could convey that as a SAHM but guess there are always exceptions to the rule.

The op sound ‘Gold-diggery’ to say the least. How about finding someone you like, someone with similar values to you, who makes you laugh, treats you with respect and gets on well with your kids, rather than a “professional “

That’s exactly what the op was meaning when she used the catch all req description that she did. A professional just like her only she’s currently a carer

If I were dating, I would not be attracted to someone who was not working who didn't have his/her independent income and I wouldn't want to take on someone else's kids, either.

I agree with this. I am afraid. And would add that no matter how profesional you were, how educated you are, or how a good consagionalist you are, it is quite unlikely for a professional person with a good income to get interested in taking someone on, who is earning considerably less than them, regardless of the circumstances that landed you in that situation.

The way I met my husband was I got a job, developed interests outside the home and improved my self esteem. By doing all of that I had things to talk about things to be positive about and things to engage others with.

I personally wouldn't want to date someone who was unemployed and had other children as I would question their motives for being with me, question where their drive was and wonder what they would bring to the relationship in terms of positivity and a good outlook.

As I said, I certainly wouldn’t be asking for financial help in any way. It was more an intellectual drive and ambition that attracted me. Something that would gel us on a deeper level. Not at all financial and most certainly not a ‘meal ticket’.
As for my daughters disability..it’s progressive and life threatening.

And as this thread is becoming quite spiteful, I’m stepping away now. Thanks for your views and opinions, it’s given me food for thought.

How about finding someone you like, someone with similar values to you, who makes you laugh, treats you with respect and gets on well with your kids, rather than a “professional

It is never as simple as that, that person may think that your background differences doesn’t suit their either, at least not in the long term. She can go for a non professional, but that diesn’t mean that the low income they share, would make them more compatible, whatever they have done in the past counts a lot.

I think many professional men would be worried you mainly wanted them for financial support.
Showing that you have ambitions and a career plan for when your youngest gets nursery funding/starts school (I'm assuming your youngest is under 3 but haven't RTFT so apologies if I'm wrong) would reassure them.

These days I think most families view being a SAHP as a temporary situation. The cost of living is so high it's difficult to have a nice lifestyle on one salary, unless the working parent is a very high earner.

Other than that: being kind, patient, doing a great job of looking after kids and running a household, organised with finances, good at cooking, physically attractive (well groomed, good dress sense, taking care of yourself, exercising regularly etc).

What a thoroughly depressing read this thread has turned out to be.
A sahm can only attract a decent man if she's a stunner? My husband and I shall have a chuckle over that one later.
As I stated previously I was a single sahm, previously worked part time and also took night classes. My ex walked out on us leaving me unable to work, no family and young kids. I turned my hobby into a small earner but wouldn't call it 'work' . Certainly no stunner and still managed to meet a lovely, decent, hard working respectful man who takes care of my sons like his own.

Depressing that so many people think stay at home parents are undeserving of that.
Don't blame you backing away op.

onefootinthegrave
I don’t have a big up my arse about sahp.
I just wouldn’t date one. Which is rather hypocritical as I have been one myself.

As Notgives points out, how would it work financially?
No cash for childcare so back to theirs? Nope, I couldn’t be with someone who did this.
Go out only during the day if the dc’s are in school? Nope. I’m at work.
Rarely go out every two weeks whilst at other parent? Nope, want to see the person more than twice a month.

So it’s not just how you meet someone. But it’s also how would you date?

aah, so it comes back down to seeing single parent stay at home mums as gold diggers/workshy/scroungers for some on this thread.

So it's OK if your child has a disability and you're their carer, but if you have a healthy child you should back to work at your zero contract hours job how long after giving birth?

Smeaton one of my oldest friends from school was a SAHD to his 2 sons from when they were very small. Him & their mum were both drug addicts, and SS said the boys would be adopted if they couldn't kick the drugs. He managed to, she sadly didn't. The boys ar eboth in their 20's now, one is autistic. He has been engaged now for a number of years, it's been very tough for him but things did get easier. I agree though, because 90% of single parents are mums, when you're a single dad there are a lot more questions.

I am part of an organization that launched a petition some years ago, 'A living wage for mothers and other carers' and I remember once we had a stall on the local high street trying to get signatures. Most people were happy to stop and sign, and some were men who were bringing up their kids alone, at home.

I'd personally rather pay a living wage for a single mum or dad to choose whether they stay at home, or use it to pay for childcare, instead of paying for trident and MP's expenses, but I don't think many on mumsnet seem to agree.

I have seen thay before and its awesome. The only diffeence for me as a SAHD is the explaining i have to do. Every woman ive dated recently has wanted to know why my DD is with me and not her mum

It’s a valid question, which has several female parent versions as well,

Chances are they are trying to work out if you are widowed, if there is likely to be significant on going hostility, How you converse about the mother of your child that sort of thing

onefootinthegrave

I think it's because women fought so hard for gender equality & the pay gap is still a big thing. So if you've got school age kids, many will think why can't the person work, as many women work and still cook / clean / organise.

I know of people who are against women with kids working.

People think if we've worked so hard for equality why wouldn't you make use of it perhaps.

It would be interesting to do a study, you have child care needs met even for disabled children, take the single women out for 5 days out of the week in AM/PM/Evening sessions. Mon & Weds 10-12, Tues & Thurs 12-3, Fri 6-10. Do not to inconvenience the parents too much.

10 that work, 10 SAHM, 10 SAHC, 10 none visible disability, 10 visible disability (the latter 2 working & not working) and see how say a pool of 80 men from all backgrounds from unemployed to none visible disability to visible disability to SAHD / SAHC to ware house worker and up the chain to your high flyer. See how they interact and get on with the women without knowing their career status. The women can say oh I have 'x' children, they can also mention if children are disabled. Then see if say any have bonded how they react to finding out the persons employment status.

Finding out before hand from the men their views on working Mums, SAHM, SAHC.

To challenge it a bit.

The rule is careers / money / house ownership / vehicles are topics you can't talk about so they're literally seen as just people.

This study works both ways for men and women, as say OP who wants her professional man, may find herself with a factory worker.

springtrolls that wasn't aimed at you, I wrote that before seeing your post.

It's the assumption from some that a 'professional' man would see dating a SAHM beneath him that makes me laugh - or would if it wasn't so depressing!

Wow some people have a lot of venom!!!

So, OP, while I do think some men have this fear of being fleeced, a lot of men also look for other qualities in women. Like everyone else, you need to date, and see. You are more than a job, or a paycheck, or a job title

Sorry OP I missed the bit about being a full time carer for a disabled child. Will she be eligible for respite care or a school place in the future, allowing you to work part time? Can you fit any freelance work around caring, working from home?

Being a single parent doesn't mean zero hours contract - now who is making judgements!

The fight for equality is still needed, if people are questioning why a mum with school age isn't working!

You know, Selma James is a lot more eloquent and says what I think:

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/mar/08/iceland-global-womens-strike-protest

Woosey

I think what people have latched into is that you said professional. Which implies to many a person with a decent salary, then if you think further, possibly someone who could give you a certain life style.

If you'd said I'd like someone intellectual, motivated, with various interests that would come across very different. As you can have from your SAHD to unemployed guy to factory worker to professional that would fulfil the remit.

When I read it I saw professional and thought oh OP wants someone who can maintain a standard of living. Where if you'd said ^^ then I'd think oh she wants someone who is on her level.

@kimanda @expatinscotland my friend doesn't have kids and I was diplomatically saying she doesn't like working. She's a very good wife material for those type of men who enjoy being looked after in exchange for a lifestyle though. So they are out there. Obviously.

For a lot of us it does mean zero hour contracts - when you've been out of work for a while and have less experience on the job front, many of us have to take jobs that are zero hour, especially with austerity measures - 80% of austerity cuts have hit women and 87% of women are mothers. That's a fact, not a judgement.

OP I don't blame you for going. The demonisation of single parents is still alive and strong!