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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know I was unreasonable...but given this don’t I have the right to be?

321 replies

Unreasonablebutjustified · 01/04/2018 12:08

I have been verbally abused and shouted all all morning. It is my own fault but I had my reasons. A bit of background before the incident: My Boyfriends brother is four years younger than him (27) and to put it bluntly - is lazy, hasn’t held down any lengthy or meaningful jobs, unlucky in life etc but is also seen as the angelic golden child by his parents compared to my bf who is naturally ambitious. My bf even gave him one of his old suits for one of his (many) jobs before and he didn’t even give anything towards it even though it was expensive. He’s not a bad person at all but just doesn’t really try hard with anything, no drive and just expects people to give him hand outs and help him all the time.

He recently broke up with yet another girlfriend (surprise surprise...said nobody) and this morning rang my bfs mobile at 8 o clock in the morning. Hungover. Turns out he had been to the pub last night. I could even hear him slurring a few of his words, practically couldn’t make out what he was talking about. He was asking if he could borrow £20. I kept telling my bf no and to hang up and he was trying to interrupt the conversation but the brother was just not listening. In the end I physically took his phone off him and ended the call myself.

I have now found myself being shouted at all morning and have been told that if he chooses to lend his brother money then he will. I said “Lend? You won’t be getting it back.” I am really angry but he is blaming me. Yes, ending the phone call was a little bit rude but I am tired of us always helping him out. If it was a two way street I could understand and be more sympathetic but it’s not. For instance: We always buy him a lovely birthday present on his birthday and a Christmas present at Christmas but he only buys cards for us for our birthdays (sometimes he forgets mine and I don’t even get a card) and for Christmas just a box of chocolates (Cadbury’s - nothing special) I said last Christmas after another predictable box of chocolates that we’re not getting anything for him next year and nothing for his birthday either.

Yes I know I was unreasonable regarding the phone call. I think we can all admit that. But am I BU to be over how I feel about the brother constantly taking advtange of us? I keep trying to explain but he’s having none of it and I just feel like my opinion is not being listened to and I’m made out to be in the wrong.

OP posts:

ScattyCharly · 01/04/2018 16:34

Well I can see your point op. I can’t see who is a male/female in this, but never mind, that doesn’t matter.

You are pissed off that your gf/bf is getting continually fleeced by a lazy layout sibling. OK fine. But you needed to have a calm discussion about this, not snatch phones and the like. If you feel like your bf/gf attitude towards money lending/getting fleeced does not line up with your attitude to money, you can perfectly well end the relationship over it. If there has been shouting all morning about it, probably ending it would be a good move.

But for some perspective, it is fairly natural to want to help/support a younger sibling. Lots of people do it. Lots of people take advantage. As part of the family, the lender is hardly objective. But you are quite within your rights not to wish to have anything to do with it by ending the relationship.

RebelRogue · 01/04/2018 16:34

@Takeaweeseat I did something similar and my friend got a new tattoo a few days later. I was fucking happy for her,because she deserved it,she deserved to make herself happy and cheer herself up and have something good in her life. Because things were really really shit,and my gift came with no strings attached. I wanted to help her out that's all.

Original poster

Unreasonablebutjustified · 01/04/2018 16:39

Update: We were at his cousins house where the brother stopped by and he give him £20. I didn’t say anything but I was beyond livid. I know it’s not the amount but the principle that counts (or doesn’t, in this scenario). Currently sat alone not speaking to anyone.

OP posts:

RebelRogue · 01/04/2018 16:41

The principle doesn't count either!! It's his money,so unless you are either subsidising him or having to listen to him moan every time about money and his brother then you have no say.

Gitfeatures · 01/04/2018 16:43

Beyond livid?
You are beyond ridiculous.
How old are you?

mzcracker · 01/04/2018 16:43

Jesus Christ grow up op. You have no right to be livid. I can guarantee your partner knows how you feel because your making it very clear in front of his family that you disapprove and you're more than likely making him very uncomfortable with your passive aggressive behaviour. It's abusive.

onalongsabbatical · 01/04/2018 16:43

Beyond livid? Because your bf loves and supports his slightly dippy younger brother? Oh dear oh dear oh dear. Are you not open to listening at all? Are we all wasting our time?

myrtleWilson · 01/04/2018 16:44

Man... really stop and consider - properly consider - the thoughts that have been shared with you Unreasonable - This is going to do you no good if you carry on down this path - at best you'll be on edge and "beyond livid" most of the time. At worst (from your perspective) your bf will decide you're really over stepping and not worth the hassle.

Crispbutty · 01/04/2018 16:44

Oh grow up for gods sakes. It is his brother and if he wants to give/lend his family some money that’s his preogative.

You sitting there sulking like a child just makes you look as ridiculous as you sound on here.

His brother has been in his life a long time before you came along and by the sounds of this will be in a long time after everyone has forgotten about you - “that controlling one you used to be with”

aaarrrggghhhh · 01/04/2018 16:46

You sound awful tbh

gingergenius · 01/04/2018 16:46

Op you sound properly hard work. Do you expect you do to toe the line in everything or just on this matter. As others have said, bug just for good measure, YABU. You were being unreasonable before. Now you're just behaving like a spoilt brat. HTH. Enjoy your Easter Sunday sitting on your own feeling aggrieved. Fairly sure you'll be there a while, because everyone else will be busy enjoying themselves.

Or perhaps stop this passive aggressive nonsense and build yourself a bridge?

SusanneLinder · 01/04/2018 16:49

Am really starting to think this is a windup post now .

Surely no one actually behaves like this?

ButchyRestingFace · 01/04/2018 16:51

Currently sat alone not speaking to anyone.

Do you find the people in your life like you better when you do this?

mzcracker · 01/04/2018 16:51

My horrible ex would do shit like this when he didn't like something I said or did. Sit in the corner and sulk making it very clear to everyone he was unhappy. It was humiliating for me...he was a cunt.

Idontdowindows · 01/04/2018 16:52

I know it’s not the amount but the principle that counts

No, it's only your principles that count. I'm sorry, but your boyfriend can do way better than you.

puglife15 · 01/04/2018 16:58

I mean this kindly, but you sound like really fucking hard work. Stroppy, controlling, childish, uptight, sulky, judgemental, bossy, tight.

I'd rather a scrounger.

HashtagTired · 01/04/2018 16:59

You are completely in the wrong here OP.
I wouldn't get between my dh and his brother, nor would I expect him to get between my siblings. Unless we are talking big money, for £20 it really is none of your business. Sure, you can voice an opinion but youre being controlling.
Seriously. Get a grip.

rjay123 · 01/04/2018 17:03

Do you share finances?

C0untDucku1a · 01/04/2018 17:03

Of youre not speaking to anyone, as punishment, that’s bad you know.

Op, it might be worth you going for counselling as you sound like you could be the abusive one.

SnowOnStPatricksDay · 01/04/2018 17:13

I was beyond livid. I know it’s not the amount but the principle that counts (or doesn’t, in this scenario). Currently sat alone not speaking to anyone.

Are there other things you disapprove of your BF spending money on? If he'd spent £20 on tat from the local car boot sale, or £20 on plants for the garden, or £20 on a new vase for his house, would you be equally as livid?

What does it matter how he spends his money?

Cornishclio · 01/04/2018 17:15

I think you need to move past this or you are going to make yourself very unhappy. You are not married and don't have joint finances so your BF choice to help his brother is not really your business. I would keep a tight check on your own money though so if your BF is in financial difficulty you can suggest he gets money back off his brother rather than you.

Setting yourself between him and his family though is a recipe for disaster. His brother may be a user but your BF is choosing to be used. Also grabbing the phone off someone and hanging up is a bit crazy.

MrMeSeeks · 01/04/2018 17:20

We were at his cousins house where the brother stopped by and he give him £20. I didn’t say anything but I was beyond livid. I know it’s not the amount but the principle that counts (or doesn’t, in this scenario). Currently sat alone not speaking to anyone

Do your want to stay with your partner?
Trying to take their phone away/ignoring people , stopping them speaking to a family member is controlling.
If what your partner is doing ( which they have every right to do, and isn’t really doing much wrong) is making you unhappy then may be you need to think if you can stay in this relationship.
This is clearly making you very unhappy.
You cannot tell you partner who he can and cannot speak to, and who he can give money/clothes too.
You can feel annoyed about the situation, but you it’s how you’re going about it that’s wrong.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 01/04/2018 17:21

Oh dear you do sound like a bit of a drama queen! Not speaking to anyone is a bit daft, I mean it's not the cousin's fault and it's their house you're in so that's awkward.

Shelve it and discuss in an adult way when you get home.

justaguy · 01/04/2018 17:22

You were already very unreasonable, but “borrow him some money” tipped it right over the edge. It’s ‘lend’.

Coco134 · 01/04/2018 17:23

Op you seriously need to get a grip.

It’s your partners money, not yours, like others have said if it doesn’t effect joint finances, no kids, not married then what’s it to do with you?

I’d lend my family the money, every time.

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