I know I was unreasonable...but given this don’t I have the right to be?

[Unreasonablebutjustified]

I have been verbally abused and shouted all all morning. It is my own fault but I had my reasons. A bit of background before the incident: My Boyfriends brother is four years younger than him (27) and to put it bluntly - is lazy, hasn’t held down any lengthy or meaningful jobs, unlucky in life etc but is also seen as the angelic golden child by his parents compared to my bf who is naturally ambitious. My bf even gave him one of his old suits for one of his (many) jobs before and he didn’t even give anything towards it even though it was expensive. He’s not a bad person at all but just doesn’t really try hard with anything, no drive and just expects people to give him hand outs and help him all the time.

He recently broke up with yet another girlfriend (surprise surprise...said nobody) and this morning rang my bfs mobile at 8 o clock in the morning. Hungover. Turns out he had been to the pub last night. I could even hear him slurring a few of his words, practically couldn’t make out what he was talking about. He was asking if he could borrow £20. I kept telling my bf no and to hang up and he was trying to interrupt the conversation but the brother was just not listening. In the end I physically took his phone off him and ended the call myself.

I have now found myself being shouted at all morning and have been told that if he chooses to lend his brother money then he will. I said “Lend? You won’t be getting it back.” I am really angry but he is blaming me. Yes, ending the phone call was a little bit rude but I am tired of us always helping him out. If it was a two way street I could understand and be more sympathetic but it’s not. For instance: We always buy him a lovely birthday present on his birthday and a Christmas present at Christmas but he only buys cards for us for our birthdays (sometimes he forgets mine and I don’t even get a card) and for Christmas just a box of chocolates (Cadbury’s - nothing special) I said last Christmas after another predictable box of chocolates that we’re not getting anything for him next year and nothing for his birthday either.

Yes I know I was unreasonable regarding the phone call. I think we can all admit that. But am I BU to be over how I feel about the brother constantly taking advtange of us? I keep trying to explain but he’s having none of it and I just feel like my opinion is not being listened to and I’m made out to be in the wrong.

I think the only CF here is the op!

I'd be advising your partner to find someone who isn't like you at all.

What business is it of yours what he does with HIS FAMILY.

if he can't hold down a lengthy job and your dp has to give him a suit then presumably he's not exactly rolling in money so you can't complain he only gets you chocolates, that's entitled and you sound spoilt.

Was it your £20 he was going to give his brother or was it his money? You can't tell him what to do with his money, it's nothing to do with you and you sound really controlling and like you're overreacting massively.

"Yes, ending the phone call was a little bit rude but I am tired of us always helping him out."

Is it your boyfriend's own money, or money from your joint account? Personally I'd leave him to do what he wanted with his own money. You sound controlling tbh.

Unless you have shared finances then it's not your business.

also everyone has read your side of things and does understand them, we can all read. but your partners brother asking for money all the time doesn't give you reason for snatching a phone and ending someone else's phone call. It's nothing to do with you. Your partner is an adult and capable of seeing what is happening and can make his own decisions to give his brother money or not. Stop being so controlling and mad

I think you should follow the advice of literally every person on this thread and accept that you are most definitely in the wrong about the entire thing!

No op your just an arse and can't see the woods for the trees. Nearly 200 comments and everyone more or less agrees you were wrong! Grow up!!

I'm from a big family with lots of different personalities. I don't know if DH is the eldest as I can relate to the driven thing.

You will have know for a while that this brother isn't going to be getting you a White Company bath set, or anything meaningful, yet you still went to town and got him nice stuff. You've changed that now, but I can imagine if your in laws are all opening nice presents and BIL gets a tin of celebrations, that is going to cause an argument.

He obviously needed to get home after a night out, thus the £20, couldn't one of you picked him up or is he really far away? When it comes to siblings I have to say YABU to decide if DH helps him or not.

I've got a younger sibling who decided for several years even with debts they weren't going to work, which meant from board to food to debts we all helped out where we could. I would say sibling has always been the favourite, they have their issues, you could say it's annoying they only text at birthdays, at Christmas we were told we'd be getting nothing as they can't afford to. Then saw the massive stack of presents for each SC who all wear designer gear. If they want help they'll time it so they know you can help, I've given them the last of my money in the past. When it's the other way around you get Crazy demands like I'll help you out, take you to Dr's but it'll be £20. You're left quite gobsmacked as I taught them how to drive in my car, before they could drive and even after we'd give them lifts, one was literally 10 to midnight NYE. I said well can we see in NY together, no I need to get going now, kind of thing.

DH will be well aware of their sibling, at the same time DH might feel guilty as they've always worked hard and done well, something that doesn't come naturally to BIL. So he helps to compensate this. I'm guessing even if by text DH will have arranged to help possibly.

You've got to decide do you want BIL to impact your relationship, do you want frequent words about BIL asking for help? Or do you want to just leave it to DH as long as DH isn't making you short as a family.

I've been in the same situation most of my adult life, whoever I'm with saying I'm crazy to help any of my siblings. But I've worked hard and am successful or was successful, so even with friends, I've given money as I don't see the point in lending as often you'll never see it back. I remember splitting up from a guy who had roughly calculated how much a friend owed as I gave them a loan too, but didn't overly expect to see it back. The guy decided half of what she owed me was due to him, even though he lived a cushy lifestyle off my back.

So after all that waffling unfortunately YABU as it's an IL. Also you really need to think about picking your fights. Do you really want to have a day of DH & yourself not talking over £20 or over your BIL?

YANBU to be annoyed, but to take the phone and end the conversation I can see why DH was annoyed. To me it's just not worth the hassle.

I see nobody sees my point. Predictable. But not surprising.

OP, you sound like a teenager taking a tantrum! Grow up or you won't have a BF at all.
People aren't agreeing with you because YABVVU.

I see nobody sees my point. Predictable. But not surprising.

So why did you go to all the trouble of joining Mumsnet and asking the question OP?

OP you said yourself I make sure the CF pays back the money they've borrowed. When things are tight do you get how it works. You borrow from Peter to pay Paul, you've still got a debt.

Are you an only child or are you your parents pride and joy? As you don't seem to comprehend people can be down on their luck?

One example, I'm in a nice house, I had heating, electric and food. A friend tells me the meter is about to go off, something I've never had to deal with myself. I would insist on looking at my bank then GIVING hard up friend money so they could put stuff on their meter and get some food in.

Ok I found out hard up friend got pretty much the same as me not working, as I get working my tits off. But you can lead a horse to water, you can't make it drink. Said friend wouldn't think twice about buying organic cotton baby clothes, where my DC had Sains/Asda/Tesco's clothes, as when they're young I don't see the point in buying super nice stuff.

You were controlling, I know you don't like the sound of that, but it's your DP's sibling to do with what they want.

I get a feeling you don't have siblings, or don't really help them at all.

What you sew you reap. For example I had a friend and was mortified by their house, so I spent money getting a few bits. I was shocked at what I'd spent, but I won pretty much the same back on a lotto ticket so wasn't out of pocket afterall.

Do you get the concept of karma? I know not everyone believes in it, but I do believe for every positive action you send out there, you get something positive back.

Sorry just to add, if you're insisting the brother pays back the £20, it's almost guaranteed if they're on a low income they'll need to borrow it back again.

Have your parents or relatives never helped you out?

It must be unbelievably hard to hear from 200 random people on the internet that YABU, but IF you could just breathe a bit and begin to take on board what people are saying, you'll have proved yourself to be a bigger person than you look at the moment, OP. How's it going?

I see nobody sees my point. Predictable. But not surprising.

Right there is your problem - in life, you think that everyone else is wrong and you are always right. Take a step back and realise that if the majority people think the opposite, maybe it's you....

If my gf/bf made me put the phone down on my brother or sister I'd probably leave them

I always ensure he pays it back but if I didn’t then he probably wouldn’t
I understand your point, i don't agree.
I think if you’re not careful you’re not going to have a partner much longer.
If your dp wants to lend their db money that’s up to them, its not down to you to make sure they pay it back.
Its certainly not your right to take your dp phone away, my dp would be out the door if he tried that.
It may not be nice to here that these things are controlling, but you need to take a step back.
You care about your dp, ofcourse you do, but this is their db, don’t make it a battle between the two of you.

YABU.
And I like Cadbury's chocolates!

Even if the brother is a CF it's up to your boyfriend to put an end to it,not you. And if it's his own money and clothes he's spending and you're not financially supporting him,then you have no right to decide what he does with his money.

And if your boyfriend moans about his brother and money and things tell him you don't want to hear it. He. Can't have it both ways.

@ OP. You my friend are an overbearing, abusive bitch. HTH.

I agree with @Toffee

You were rude, and quite frankly deserved the ear bashing. You don't take someone's phone off them and hang up because you don't like the way it's going.

If this is genuine:
I know it's hard if you feel your bf is being taken advantage of - but you need to butt out. End of.

OP I have been married 22 years been w DH for 24. I have never liked BIL.

he is entitled feels the world owes him.. Was the golden boy with FIL and MIL (and shamelessly took advantage of it we are talking 100's of thousands )

However I have NEVER told Dh he could not lend BIL £20 I have never told dh to get off the phone to BIL I have NEVER taken the phone of DH to get him to end a call with BIL.

I have accepted BIL never bought my children presents I still bought his sons presents until they were 18.. Not the boys fault their dad is a jerk.

Over the years DH has himself come to the conclusion BIL is a jerk and done the distancing himself feeling supported by me in doing so.

This is more or less the opposite of what your telling us here, that is why people are saying you are unreasonable. you are stepping into an area you need to stay clear of. I wonder what your concerns really are.. BIL may be a waste of space but your boyfriend has to work that out for himself.. All you can do is support him.

Some people are complete control freaks

One example, I'm in a nice house, I had heating, electric and food. A friend tells me the meter is about to go off, something I've never had to deal with myself. I would insist on looking at my bank then GIVING hard up friend money so they could put stuff on their meter and get some food in

Even if they spent the money they had on alcohol instead? That would be enabling irresponsible behaviour though would it not?

Isn't the younger brother 27 and the OP's boyfriend 31? Does no-one else read it like that?

FWIW I suggest you apologise for snatching the phone away and try and calmly explain why you were het up.