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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I was unreasonable...but given this don’t I have the right to be?

321 replies

Unreasonablebutjustified · 01/04/2018 12:08

I have been verbally abused and shouted all all morning. It is my own fault but I had my reasons. A bit of background before the incident: My Boyfriends brother is four years younger than him (27) and to put it bluntly - is lazy, hasn’t held down any lengthy or meaningful jobs, unlucky in life etc but is also seen as the angelic golden child by his parents compared to my bf who is naturally ambitious. My bf even gave him one of his old suits for one of his (many) jobs before and he didn’t even give anything towards it even though it was expensive. He’s not a bad person at all but just doesn’t really try hard with anything, no drive and just expects people to give him hand outs and help him all the time.

He recently broke up with yet another girlfriend (surprise surprise...said nobody) and this morning rang my bfs mobile at 8 o clock in the morning. Hungover. Turns out he had been to the pub last night. I could even hear him slurring a few of his words, practically couldn’t make out what he was talking about. He was asking if he could borrow £20. I kept telling my bf no and to hang up and he was trying to interrupt the conversation but the brother was just not listening. In the end I physically took his phone off him and ended the call myself.

I have now found myself being shouted at all morning and have been told that if he chooses to lend his brother money then he will. I said “Lend? You won’t be getting it back.” I am really angry but he is blaming me. Yes, ending the phone call was a little bit rude but I am tired of us always helping him out. If it was a two way street I could understand and be more sympathetic but it’s not. For instance: We always buy him a lovely birthday present on his birthday and a Christmas present at Christmas but he only buys cards for us for our birthdays (sometimes he forgets mine and I don’t even get a card) and for Christmas just a box of chocolates (Cadbury’s - nothing special) I said last Christmas after another predictable box of chocolates that we’re not getting anything for him next year and nothing for his birthday either.

Yes I know I was unreasonable regarding the phone call. I think we can all admit that. But am I BU to be over how I feel about the brother constantly taking advtange of us? I keep trying to explain but he’s having none of it and I just feel like my opinion is not being listened to and I’m made out to be in the wrong.

OP posts:
Sashkin · 02/04/2018 00:13

You’re hitting so many of these points on the Wheel of Abuse OP:

www.womenhelpingwomenmaui.com/resources/power-wheel-of-abuse/

Why not slap him about a bit and see if he does what you tell him to then? It’s about the only thing you haven’t tried yet.

Sashkin · 02/04/2018 00:15

And no I don’t see the apology as s good thing. I see it as yet another round of “I’m only abusive because you make me like that/it’s for your own good”.

I hope your poor BF gets rid of you.

gingergenius · 02/04/2018 00:21

@eridanus it's a public forum. People read the op, they form an opinion. In this case the op came back several times trying to justify his actions.

Even now, his apology came across as 'yeah ok, I'm sorry I grabbed your phone but...."

Apologies have to come from the heart. If you are genuinely sorry for something YOU have done, there can't be conditions attached. Which means you can only be sorry for something YOU have done. And if you say sorry, you need to do so wholeheartedly. The reason the op is still possibly getting a hard time is because he hasn't truly acknowledged his behaviour was inappropriate.

chooselove · 02/04/2018 00:43

I just wish people could share more love & compassion on here.

I find some people are extremely judgemental & self righteous on here. I didn't agree with the way he took his b/f phone but feel he didn't deserve such a reaction.

Please be kind, op took responsibility, he overreacted but so did many posters on here!

It's hard to see the person you love being taking advantage off. It wasn't his business to get involved but I can understand why he did.

Can we just a little bit more kinder ...💕

RachelTeeth · 02/04/2018 00:51

What’s the point of all this? Doesn’t sound like anyone’s life isn’t being enhanced by you and your boyfriend do choice to be together, all sounds tedious and theatric.

Also, the full expression is ‘the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb’, meaning the exact opposite of what people seem to think to think it means, we choose our own bo da which are thicker than those forced on us by our parents contraceptive choices.

RachelTeeth · 02/04/2018 00:51

*bonds

RachelTeeth · 02/04/2018 00:52

Thanks autocorrect, I give up.

gingergenius · 02/04/2018 00:53

@RachelTeeth Grin

FruityBojangles · 02/04/2018 01:09

I can understand completely why you did this, and in theory, what you did was rude, but it was also justified. There's nothing wrong with trying to protect someone you love from being walked all over. It seems that you might have to step back in this case and let you BF make his own mistakes, and hope that he comes round to your way of thinking. I honestly would have done the same. The trouble, although you have reached the end of your tether with your feckless brother in law, you're at risk of jeopardising your own relationship. You'll just have to avoid getting involved in anything to do with him. Tell your boyfriend to arrange the Christmas and birthday presents and not to talk to you about him, ever.

eridanus · 02/04/2018 01:53

@gingergenius
I don’t disagree with you at all. There is still a but within the apology, but I do think, it’s a lot to ask a person to do a complete 180 degree turn in a few hours to a situation that’s being going on a long time. He obviously came on here and assumed maybe some percentage of support and it has been extremely harsh. My mentality would be to nurture the bud of the apology and just calm down from all the slagging, the use of the control word, rude etc. Just give the person a chance to breathe after coming some way, instead of heaping on the negativity.

eridanus · 02/04/2018 01:58

and @RachelTeeth WTF are you on about?

gingergenius · 02/04/2018 02:13

Agreed @eridanus I just hope the op takes that on board

NSEA · 02/04/2018 02:29

Have you got any siblings OP? Would you not do anything for them? I would-£20 is nothing. I give more away to strangers as charity - the thought of not helping my brother or sisters because they choose bad gifts and because I gave them old clothes wouldn’t even cross my mind.

You don’t seem to be able to accept that your partner can be charitable to his brother. You clearly dislike his brother, but it isn’t actually your decision at the end of the day. If you told your partner he shouldn’t lend money and he chooses to anyway, then you need to respect his decision and not sulk like a kid who doesn’t get his own way.

If you disagree with his decision this much then really you need to be considering how much you want to be in the relationship.

Linning · 02/04/2018 03:13

I would go ballistic if you were my partner OP! Snatching someone phone and ending a conversation is bang out of order and unless your boyfriend is borrowing money from you to give to your brother what he does with his money is NONE of your business!

I am very close to my youngest siblings and I would actually gift them money if they needed it (shock horror, I know!) and I would probably gift them double if you were sat there pouting and refusing to talk because you disapprove of what I spend my own money on. Grow up. Even if I was technically lending it to them, I probably wouldn't fully expect to see the money back and if I wanted it back I would expect to be the one doing the chasing. If I heard my partner had gone behind my back and pressured my brothers to hand me the money back I would hit the roof.

Why do you care so much what your boyfriend spends his money on as long as he is happy doing so? You seem incredibly controlling and I would have dumped your ass quicker than you would have time getting upset over money issues if you were to behave like this with me.

I get you want to protect your boyfriend but unless you are going to dripfeed about his mental health or a potential disability, he is old enough to chose what to do with his money and his family.

My oldest sibling is lazy and a waste of space, yet my mum funds his lifestyle and keeps on lending him money he never pays back. Do I think she is being an idiot for keeping on funding his lifestyle and making him more lazy than he already is? Yes, but I also acknowledge she is an adult and can do whatever she fancies with her money despite not approving of it. She will learn eventually and even if she doesn't it is not my battle to fight. It's between them both and nothing to do with me. Same for you and the agreements between your bf and his sibling. Stay out of it.

soluna · 02/04/2018 03:29

You sound controlling and emotionally abusive.

Isolating someone from their family is classic controlling behavior.

DeathStare · 02/04/2018 06:23

I still feel I am right in the fact I was protecting my bf

Many abusive partners claim to be protecting their OH. Often they do this "protecting" by creating trouble between the OH and their family/friends.

You aren't protecting your bf. Your bf is an adult who is capable of making his own decisions - including decisions that are different to the ones you would make. If you cared about him, you would respect his right to do that. You are trying to control him.

Jobjobjob · 02/04/2018 06:50

Sorry but I don’t think people know the full story. He is always scrounging from us, always asking my bf to borrow him some money. I always ensure he pays it back but if I didn’t then he probably wouldn’t. I’m not a controlling girlfriend, we are in a gay relationship, doesn’t make a difference really, the brother is clearly a CF. I am the only one seeing this though? I probably haven’t explained it well enough.

It's lend and not borrow! The brother pays it back, so it's a non issue. According to you he would t if you didn't make him but then your BF may have decided to stop lending home money if it's not returned.

Your controlling could be the reason why it's still happening .

Keep out of it, it's none of your business.

You sound jealous of the relationship.

RadioGaGoo · 02/04/2018 07:27

This thread is really hitting my Mumsnet bingo card:

Controlling (tick)
Red Flag (tick)
Poor DH/DP/BF (tick)
You sound jealous/hard work (double whammy!) (tick)
Abusive (tick)
Complete nighmare (tick)
Get a grip (tick)
Grow up (tick)
None of your business (tick)
Bitch (tick)
Unhinged (tick)
Grabby (tick)

Entitled (tick)
Give Your Head a Wobble (tick)
Are you 10/11/12/13 (tick)

Bonus points go to those posts derising the OP for saying 'beyond livid' when others have said they would:

Be furious!
Go ballistic!
Loose my Nuts!

And of course...

Fucking livid!

tootsweet30 · 02/04/2018 07:32

I think the amount does matter though. If someone was asking my boyfriend for the odd £20 or so I might inwardly think the person was a bit cheeky but really £20 isn't going to determine whether or not we go on holiday and if my boyfriend wanted to spend £20 on books or some other non essential it wouldn't really register on my radar. If the same person was regularly requesting hundreds I'd be worried because it wouldn't be something he could afford easily which would start to indirectly affect us as a couple and I'd try and talk to him about it. But even then I would talk to him when he's off the phone not try and control who he speaks too.

So unless you two are really struggling to make ends meet I think it's really non of your business whether he wastes £20 giving it to his brother or beers down the pub.

BlueSapp · 02/04/2018 07:51

I think your problem is your a snob, you think the brother is a waste of time because he doesn’t fit your profile of a successful person, because he has no job and no partner he’s unworthy in your eyes so he’s a problem you need to get rid of, whereas to your bf he is a loving brother they grew up together and as the older of the two he wants to protect his little brother so you need to leave well enough alone or I suspect that’s how you’ll end up, bitter and alone.

Heartworries · 02/04/2018 08:35

Classic....op: aibu?
Mnetters: yes yabu because of x,y and z. Op: no i am not you are all wrong. Anyway you don't know the full story! Hmm

Anyways. Op. If you were in the right then i should club my dh round the head and be done with it as we have helped out many family members in various ways and i didnt 'get it back' for him. You help family, friends etc if possible.

If you had joint finances you could discuss it and come to an agreement. Or if you had kids then again you could discuss it. But for the sake of petty cash then yabu. Yabu for snatching the phone, for being rude, for not listening to your bf who WANTS to help his bf. What you are doing is controlling.

Telling us we are wrong is also showing you like to be in control and right.

Leave him be. Or soon he will probably leave you as he will just snap as you are being 'fucking rediculous'. Thats not abusive. You are being abusive!

If either me or dh did these things to each other there would be a lot of apologosing to do.

Heartworries · 02/04/2018 08:37

I meant help his brother. Not bf.

LML83 · 02/04/2018 08:50

glad you have apologised and understand it is wrong to hang up his phone.

I understand your frustration if the brother is taking advantage of your bf kindness. But you should take a step back from it. Talk to your bf if you want but don't tell him how to behave. It is his money to give/loose and instead of seeing it him being a mug see it as him being a kind brother.

Apart from anything else you chasing up these debts must put a strain on your relationship with the family too which must be awkward for you and bf. If your bf wants the loan back he has to learn to sort it himself. (but accept that maybe he isn't bothered).

QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/04/2018 12:00

You sound awful op can’t you see how abusive you are being? You also avoid a lot of questions. I’m assuming you do not have joint finances which means you have zero say in what he spends his own money on. You sound grabby and spoilt and are acting like a child. Grow the fuck up and leave your boyfriend to find someone better. I really hope he dumps you, sometimes I hate that there is no way to warn the other person in the relationship of how awful their partner is being. You are controlling and abusive. You stop getting involved right now and do not chase up money left, that is not your role.

HighwayDragon1 · 02/04/2018 12:10

I can kind of see OPS point, sort of. If the brother is always asking for money, if it's been £20 a week for god knows how long, if they are living hand to mouth as it is, if the brother only contacts for money. It's possible that his boyfriend feels that he needs to support his brother (golden child) for his parents to like him.

OP am I way off the mark?